Les Misérables
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 157 min 9ever long

[the following contains spoilers, like THIS MOVIE IS UNBEARABLY BORINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  sorry, had to spoil it for you]

Snooze Valsnooze (Hugh Jackman) stole some bread or something so he’s stuck in hard labor jail that’s basically a place where men pull ropes and get rained on.  His main adversary is Javsnooze (Russell Crowe), who hates him cause he’s a better Australian singer than he’ll ever be.  One day, Snooze Valsnooze escapes and then finds asylum in a church, but then he steals stuff from the church, is caught, but the priest lies for Valsnooze, which makes no sense, unless the priest wanted to sleep with him, but he doesn’t, cause he’s not a small boy [PRIEST JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Then years pass and Snooze Valsnooze now has a new identity and owns some sort of sewing company that employees a comely but really poor Snoozetine (Anne Hathaway), who can’t stop crying cause she has a daughter that she needs to feed, but needs a job to feed her, but she can’t really do her job cause she can’t stop crying, so basically she’s the world’s worst employee.  Snoozetine gets fired (SHOCKER), so she sells her hair and her teeth and her body, and sings a song about dreaming and basically dies, then dies.  Is this a dream or a nightmare???  Snooze Valsnooze feels bad that she died cause he’s a thief with a heart of gold, and a voice of platinum!!!, so he takes Snoozetine’s daughter Snoozesette (younger version played by Isabelle Allen & older version by Amanda Seyfried), but then Snooze Valsnooze has to run away cause Javsnooze smells his faux sewing ruse, so Snoozesette lands in the hands of Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett (Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter, the only BRIGHT spot in 9 hours of dark and dreary bllllaaaaaahhhhhhhness), who are like slimy innkeepers who also sing cause the musical play theater play musical said they had to

Anywho, Snooze Valsnooze returns to take his faux kid back from the comic relievers, and he does, and then Valsnooze and Snoozesette get new identities like ‘Boring Valborings’ & ‘Boringsette’, and then hide in some little Hobbit house in a graveyard or something.  Then a fake French Revolution happens and that annoying redhead who faux bedded Marylin Monroe (Eddie Redmayne) sees Boringsette walking around Francetown and instantly falls in love with her, but he’s being secretly loved by Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett’s real daughter (Samantha Barks), but her story doesn’t matter, even though she’s hot, and how is it that that annoying redheaded guy has two women who want to bang him??  He’s so lame that even his left hand refuses to beat him off

Anywho, the half-assed revolution begins by the dirty French people throwing furniture into the streets, and then the army shoots all of them, cause the furniture pile is a giant mess.  Most of the revolutionaries die (SPANK DAWG, cause it means the movie’s closer to ending), but Boring Valborings saves that annoying redhead cause he knows that he would be a good person to bang his faux daughter Boringsette for eternity.  Then he feels ashamed for some reason and disappears, and then Javsnooze reappears and is ashamed or something (mainly cause of his singing voice) so he kills himself, and then Boring Valborings dies, but right before he does, he gets to see Boringsette’s face one last time (see below)

Think that was what the movie was.  Wait, WHAT THE FCUK WAS THAT?  That story is not even a story, and it’s stretches longer than turning the 310 paged Hobbit book into 3 Hobbit movies.  Les Snooze feels like 19 Hobbits.  It tastes like boring.  It’s so fcuking snoozy.  Sure, it’s well made and stuff, but so are guns, and guns kill people.  Les Misérables will kill any joy you have in your body.  Who wants to see a movie like that, with singing?  Only Gaspar Noé’s allowed to do that, without singing.  Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!

[disclaim-her – I have never seen the musical on Broadway, and now, never want to, ever. long die Snooze Valsnooze!]

Why didn’t they just turn this gif into a 157 minute movie?

or shoot it in 48fps so it looked even faster than our eyes and brain can handle!!!!

Amanda Seyfried’s eyes > everything > tiramisu

Verdictgo: Next To Zero Dark Merit But All Snoozy Badges

Les Misérables is doling out comas at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

West of Memphis
North of Incredible
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 147 min

The West Memphis Three (Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin, and Jessie Misskelley) – falsely accused of horrific murder, rushed to judgment, and left to rot in jail/hell, but after much uproar (from Eddie Vedder, Johnny Depp AND MORE!), the three are finally sorta freed, but remained guilty.  Got all that?  Doc makers Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky shed light on the Three’s injustice plight of un-fancy over 15 years in their muss see Paradise Lost doc trilogy.  It’s a lot to take in, so Amy Berg & Billy McMillin decided to simplify everything in their Peter Jackson & wife produced doc West of Memphis, catch us up on the Three, while trying to pin-point the finger on the real culprit…  although one reviewer brought up a good point – that the filmmakers are rushing to judgment on their new suspect juss as quickly as the original prosecutors did with the Three.  Regardless, the truth may not be fully out there, but whatever truths are know muss be told, even if they’re already known, cause the real murderer still walks free. Don’t know how many times you can sit thru the pain, suffering and agony, but it’s a little easier to sit thru all of these docs than being a horrifically murdered child or being falsely accused of horrifically murdering children and going to jail for no reason.  Sh!t is fcuked up, that much is 100% known

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

West of Memphis opens in NY/LA today & elsewhere elsewhen and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Impossible
Wave of Mutilation
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Remember that horrrrrrrrrible tsunami of 2004?  Unless you live in that part of the world and/or were directly affected by it, probably not.  You moved on with yer life, worrying about how Lost would end or if the world was going to end if Mitt Romney became the president.  Well, Lost‘s ending sucked, and even if Mitty had won, the world wouldn’t have ended.  But for those who endured that tsunami, the world might as well have ended, as their world would never be the same, regardless of how awful Lost ended.  Sometimes we need tragic events turned into viewing ‘entertainment’, lest we forget them, and so maybe we can better understand them, even if there’s nothing to understand, cause sometimes bad sh!t happens to good people (and also to bad people)

For one such family, the Belons, tragedy struck, but they got lucky.  How lucky? Well, you’ll juss have to see their Impossible tale to find out.  But in order to make the movie more sell-able, the real life Spanish clan was transformed into an English one (but at least the director & writer remained Spanish – The Orphanage dudes - Juan Antonio Bayona + Sergio G Sánchez!).  Get over the white-washing, cause it doesn’t matter what the nationality of the family is, cause natural disasters are nationality-blind.  Also, you can’t really do wrong by making Naomi Watts & Ewan McGregor yer matri & patriarch.  Their boys are Tom Holland, Oaklee Pendergast & Samuel Joslin.  All 5 screen family members’ performances are incredible (especially eldest son Holland’s.  I say Oscar nomination worthy!), and what happens to them cinematically is even more incredible.  Remember that crazed tsunami scene that opened Clint Eastwood’s tepid Hereafter?  Udder 0s & 1s GARBAGE, hispecially when compared with the impossible possibly seen in The Impossible!!!!

Some people will find The Impossible to be nuttin but torture porn.  If that’s the case, why don’t you ask the Belons how porny their torturous experience was.  Be thankful this didn’t happen to you when you went on some vacation, JERK!!!

Also, how could you not want to see a movie where you see Naomi Watts’ breasts AND it’s not hot AT all?!??!?!?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Impossible is umpossible today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Jack Reacher
Preacher Comforts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

December is a month of endless Oscar-baiting fare, where the movies are bloated, depressing and hard to watch.   Christopher McQuarrie‘s Jack Reacher is the antidote to all that stuff, and Jack Reacher is nothing without one of the last movie stars standing, standing tall (even though he’s not so tall) - Tom Cruise.  Tom is Jack, a loner, Dottie, a rebel.  Whether you can believe that Tom Cruise could pass as a drifter matters very little, cause basically Jack Reacher is a looser Mission: Impossible, which means it’s more fun, and sirprizingly, and most welcomelyer, funnier!   What more do you need to know?  You don’t, but we’ll go on for a little bit more anywayz

Our movie starts off with a sniper randomly picking off people, but MAYBE THE VICTIMS AREN’T RANDOM?!??!?!  The sniper is caught, but MAYBE THE CAUGHT SNIPER ISN’T THE ACTUAL SNIPER?!?!??!?  The DA’s office (Richard Jenkins and David Oyelowo, who’s like 2nd second coming of Chiwetel Ejiofor) thinks it’s an open and shut case.  The alleged sniper’s lawyer (bouncy Rosamund Pike) thinks so too, but is juss looking for the best possible verdict that isn’t punishable by death.  Enter Jack Reacher, the only man who can possibly save the alleged sniper, and maybe save the day too.  Guess what, he might juss do all of these things, AND go toe to toe with baddie Werner Herzog (I laughed out loud EVERY time he spoke on screen, partly cause it’s ridiculous, but mostly cause casting Werner Herzog as a bad guy is a stroke of genius and awesomeness and amazingnessness and I couldn’t get over that fact!!!).  Robert Duvall pops in towards the end, and his no country for old man old man-ness only adds to the nutty bar fun, cause Robert Duvall characters wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!

But does Tom Cruise run in this movie?  A little, but he drives, cause he’s so driven, and the driving is FCUKING OFF THE BAKER’S RACK!!!!!!  And there’s punching!  And there’s more punching!  And gunfights!  AND LAUGHTER!  And a killer scene where two thugs have a great chance of taking out Cruise, but they keep on taking out each other.  OH REACHER!!!! YOU MAKE US WANT TO GIVE YOU A REACH-A-ROUND!!!!!!! Please people, go see this movie, so it does well and they greenlight 12 more of these, cause that’s what the world needs!!!  REACHER!!!  He should fight Arthur Treacher’s in the sequel, cause they suck!!!  TREACHER!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

3 Furious : please, never slow down

Alexia Fast

Jack Reacher reaches out and touches everyone at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Zero Dark Thirty
OBL STK MIA DOA A-OK GO USA!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 157 min

Dude, do you remember how intense and thrilling and awesome Kathryn Bigelow & Mark Boal‘s Hurt Locker is was????  Well guess what, Biges and Boals did one better on collab numero 2, basically telling Homeland and Argo to argofuckthemselves.  Zero Dark Thirty is like watching one of those Bourne movies, cept what’s going on REALLY HAPPENED and what we’re being shown seems really really fcuking real.  FO REALS!!! not faux reels!!!

So what is Zero Dark Thirty?  It’s 2 minus 2, the opposite of day + 30.  BAM!  C’mon, you know what this is about – it’s a summarization of failing for ages to find Osama bin Laden, and then maybe finding him, and then deciding whether that maybe is close enuff to a certainty as humanly possible, before pulling the final trigger… on pulling the trigger on OBL.  It’s frustrating, and more frustrating, and even more frustrating, but then it gets exciting and even more exciting, and even more more exciting, and then we’re back in the Bigelow-Boal thrill ride where yer heart’s a pounding and yer palms are a sweating, even though you know that OBL aint living past the end credits.  SPOILER ALERT – OBL dies.  But how did we get to that point?  THAT’S WHAT THIS MOVIE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And it’s incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when Bigs was making this movie, she was probably like, I want to have someone awesome like Jodie Foster to play my Clarice Starling darling character, so she got herself Jessica Chastain.  PERFECT!  Then she was like, we need a bunch of random actors that are good, but not huge names, to help Chasty out, and she was like welcome aboard Kyle Chandler, Jennifer Ehle, Harold Perrineau, Jeremy Strong, Mark Strong, Mark Duplass & [my boy] Édgar Ramírez.  Then she was like, I need a beardy guy that’s super good at yelling and torture and then they got Jason Clarke and he did that.  Then she was like, I need two beardos to play beardo Navy Seals, so she got that guy from Parks & Rec who’s character isn’t as funny as everyone thinks it is and fake Owen Lars from the BS Star Wars poo-quels.  But guess what, the casting didn’t end there.  She was like, oh, I need some fat guy that could pass for Leon Panetta, and so BAM, put on some 80s Japanese bidness-man eyeglasses James Gandolfini!  And she threw in Stephen Dillane for good measure.  That’s eggzatcly how the casting was done, as told to me by a magic elf fairy from Rivendale

What more do you need to know?  GO AMERICA!  NEVER QUIT!  Always keep your eye on the ball.  Kick a guy in the balls, but only IF it will lead to info that will get us to Osama bin Laden.  And if we get that info, lets lose it for like 7 years, but since we don’t give up, we find it again and follow up and finally hang our ‘mission accomplished’ banners.  Way to go us/US.  Red, White & BEST!!!!

Spank dog Morgan Spurlock never found OBL, cause otherwise this movie wouldn’t eggsist

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Zero Hot Tens: Jessica Collins is in the movie for all of 8 seconds, but she hypnothighsed me with her eyes

and then I remembered where she had done it before – the sorta-brilliant but cancelled Rubicon

Zero Dark Thirty sees the light in NY & LA on Wednesday and elsewhere on January 11

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…