Tag Archives: Tom Holland

Red, White & Black & Blue & 100 Shades of Gray

Captain America: Civil War
Marvel-ous
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 147 min

OMG, these guys…

civil war 1

and these guys…

civil war 2

are all on the same team – but because Captain America has a hard-on for Sebastian Stan, there gonna be a war son, CIVIL style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

This is what Avengers 2: Age of Voltron should have been!!!  Sorta kinda whatever!!!

Actually, this sequel (which is miles above #1) is basically Avengers 3, but works so much better cause there’s less clutter, and less dumb Thor and bulky Hulk.  Those two dudes caused way too much destruction.  HULK SMASH!! The less destruction the better!! Like slash the Hulk smash!

And this one has Daniel Brühl, and in case you didn’t know – Brühl rühlzzzz!!!!!!  But he’s not a superhero or a superhero villain, but he is a bad guy, but he kinda has a reason to break bad – like our superheroes do in this movie.  Man, so much noir going on here.  Who’s bad?  Who’s good?????  No black and white – juss lots o’gray – 100 SHADES OF IT!!!

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT – the movie is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too long.  Like 9 hours too long.  I enjoyed it all, but man, it’s a haul, a long one – like a long haul!!!! (I ran out to pee 2 times – but that’s cause I drank like a gallon o’soda – and all I missed was the superheroes talking about stuff)

Also, Jeremy Renner‘s Hawkeye is beyond lame.  Cut him and his character out of this Marvel universe

And I don’t care how cool he is, but Paul Bettany‘s Vision creeps me out too much and made me wish I didn’t have vision in my eyes

vision civil

but it’s OK cause we get to see Ant Man become Gi-Ant Man, and there’s a new Spidey – who’s a no name actor – and actually looks like a teenager – which already seems more right than Tobey or Andrew Garfield minushimself could ever muster as Peter Parkz!!!

But the real bestestest thing???  There are three black dudes in the movie, and they blow away the white dudes and dudettes outta the water.  I’d rather see a movie with juss Rhodey (Don Cheadle), Falcon (Anthony Mackie), and my new mos favorite superhero ever – Blank Panther (the treasure that is Chadwick Boseman) – kicking major a$$ AND gla$$!!!!!!!!!  They should take Hawkeye out back and beat the lame fcuk outta him!!!

black panther

blank panther

Heck, there needs to be a movie (superhero or not) with Boseman, Mackie, Cheadle, Denzel, Will Smith, Michael B Jordan, and Billy Dee Williams called Smooth Operators – where they’re a gang of telephone operators who are SMOOTH AS FCUK!!!!

VerdictgoJeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers (if it was somehow shorter, it woulda been BREAST IN SHOW)

Captain soldiers on at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Tsunami On Why?

The Impossible
Wave of Mutilation
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Remember that horrrrrrrrrible tsunami of 2004?  Unless you live in that part of the world and/or were directly affected by it, probably not.  You moved on with yer life, worrying about how Lost would end or if the world was going to end if Mitt Romney became the president.  Well, Lost‘s ending sucked, and even if Mitty had won, the world wouldn’t have ended.  But for those who endured that tsunami, the world might as well have ended, as their world would never be the same, regardless of how awful Lost ended.  Sometimes we need tragic events turned into viewing ‘entertainment’, lest we forget them, and so maybe we can better understand them, even if there’s nothing to understand, cause sometimes bad sh!t happens to good people (and also to bad people)

For one such family, the Belons, tragedy struck, but they got lucky.  How lucky? Well, you’ll juss have to see their Impossible tale to find out.  But in order to make the movie more sell-able, the real life Spanish clan was transformed into an English one (but at least the director & writer remained Spanish – The Orphanage dudes – Juan Antonio Bayona + Sergio G Sánchez!).  Get over the white-washing, cause it doesn’t matter what the nationality of the family is, cause natural disasters are nationality-blind.  Also, you can’t really do wrong by making Naomi Watts & Ewan McGregor yer matri & patriarch.  Their boys are Tom HollandOaklee Pendergast & Samuel Joslin.  All 5 screen family members’ performances are incredible (especially eldest son Holland’s.  I say Oscar nomination worthy!), and what happens to them cinematically is even more incredible.  Remember that crazed tsunami scene that opened Clint Eastwood’s tepid Hereafter?  Udder 0s & 1s GARBAGE, hispecially when compared with the impossible possibly seen in The Impossible!!!!

Some people will find The Impossible to be nuttin but torture porn.  If that’s the case, why don’t you ask the Belons how porny their torturous experience was.  Be thankful this didn’t happen to you when you went on some vacation, JERK!!!

Also, how could you not want to see a movie where you see Naomi Watts’ breasts AND it’s not hot AT all?!??!?!?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Impossible is umpossible today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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