Thighs Wide Shut

Black Mass
KICKS MAJOR MASS!!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

American Hustle basically sucked.  Black Mass is the opposite of American Hustle, although the two share a decade, large pompadour hairdos, and strong machismo overacting

Above all – Johnny Depp is terrifying as real-life baddie Whitey Bulger.  And above that – Depp is udderly incredible in the film.  Obviously Depp is an incredible actor, but this may be his best (non-Tim Burton) performance since 1998’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  I credit two things with this great achievement – the hair and the make-up.  So far, I’m rooting for no horses in the Oscar race, but Depp’s Mass face deserves a gold man, so I guess I’m rooting for that

Depp’s bad hair, bad skin, and cold blue killer eyes will haunt me 9ever

his look is like a combo of this-es…

Johnny S. Thompson Loathing with Fear

meets all the Biff Tannens of BTTFII

meets Flattop of Dick Tracy

meets William Forsythe in general

meets Coppola’s Dracula

meets Electro of Spider-unwatchble-reboot-2

meets Gollum

meets the creepy-eyed lizard aliens of V

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Black Mass preaches the bad words currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Steve Jobs
It’s No Pirates of Silicon Valley
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

Do you like 3 act plays, endless Aaron Sorkin scripted banter, and not knowing much about Steve Jobs and what he did?  Well then, you will LOVE Danny Boyle‘s Steve Jobs.  The movie does a good jobs… at being a movie, but not necessary at being a Steve Jobs movie.  YES – it’s entertaining, and enthralling, and it makes you nervous and uncomfortable at times.  YES – the acting is excellent (even Seth Rogen wasn’t horrible!!!), the direction is lovely, the design is nice, but this is not the Steve Jobs movie I was expecting, or the one the world should have received

The movie is broken down into three periods of Steve Jobs life – thru three product launches – the Macintosh, the NeXT, and the iMac.  And the movie shows Jobs prepping for these launches in green rooms, with various people from his life popping in and bothering him with things keeping him down or standing is his way – the daughter he disowned, his founding partner he dismisses, his assistant who he dishes endless commands to, and other people who he treats like garbage sauce.  But Jobs, and these people, are kinda turned into one-dimensional characters – the shouter and the people being shouted at

Don’t get me wrong – the shouting and the being shouted at make for a great film, and this is a great-ish film, but for people who don’t really know who Steve Jobs is or what Apple was and what they became because of Jobs – this movie fails to deliver that, and the people need this, for today and the future

Plus, most of what happens in the movie isn’t true or ever happened

Plus, Michael Fassbender looks nothing like Steve Jobs.  He looks like Michael Fassbender

Plus, there was a movie that did what I am asking for it to do – tell the story, the whole story, and included shouting (and no, I’m, not talking about the Ashton Kutcher one, although that one wasn’t awful, in fact, it was pretty good!).  And the guy who plays Steve Jobs looks like Steve Jobs (go Noah Wyle!!!!!!!!!!)  And it was made-for-TV, and made pre-iPod.  And it’s amazing, even with its limited budget, and it includes Bill Gates’ story and awesome 80s glasses, and I love it, LOTS

WATCH PIRATES OF SILICON VALLEY!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Steve Jobs boots up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bridge of Spies
Spies Like Them
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

Steven Spielberg knows history!  And how to turn histories into movies!!  And he knows how to direct Tom Hanks!!!  These things all come together (again) in the serviceably good enough Bridge of Spies, the duo’s fourth pairing, and probably the lesser of the four (Saving Private Ryan / Catch Me If You Can and yes, even less so than The Terminal, which is amazingly awesomely horribly cheesy awesome!!)

What do you know of Cold War spies?  Me, I knew the name  Francis Gary Powers (not to be confused with Gary US Bonds) and that he was in a U-2 spyplane, and there was an incident – it got shot down over the USSR, and boy he didn’t know how unlucky he was… to be back in the US, back in the US, back in the USSR!!!  Oh, and that the band U2 got their name from this plane!  Oh, and czech this – Bono’s daughter – Eve Hewson – is in the movie!!!!  It’s like U2 jr meets U-2 senior!!!

What I didn’t know is that we wanted to swap a Soviet spy caught in America (Rudolf Abel by way of chameleon Mark Rylance, who is also the best part of the movie) for FG Powers and that the trade couldn’t be administered directly by the US government, and so someone had to do it.  TOM HANKS!!!!  as James B Donovan!!!  HE DID IT!!!  Spoiler alert.  Ooops, history spoils everything, and to the victors go the spoils!!!  We won the Cold War!!  The trade of spies was like a tie, but Tom Hanks won our hearts!!!

Will you miss out if you skip out on this movie?  Probably not.  A nice 30 minute show on the incident should suffice.  + this is no Munich, which is the kinda history movies Señor Spielbergo should be making, instead of a warm and fuzzy cold war pic, or something wooden and predictable like Lincoln, which I forgot all about until I had write a review of Steven’s latest

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spies Bridges the Cold War knowledge gap at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Intern
It’s Not Complicated
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 121 min

I am not a fan of romantic comedies, but I’m a sucker for sappy movies.  Luckily Nancy Meyers‘ The Intern has little romance, and tons of sap, like a tree filled with tons of sap!!!  YEP, MAD SAP, YO!!!!  And the whole thing is filled to the brim with endless charm, and smiles, and Robert De Niro being subtle, but sensational, and Anne Hathaway being her energetic self, and with her usual awesome sweater puppies

What I really loved most about this movie, and love most about Nancy Meyers movies in general, is that there is little to no drama, and a lot to a lot lot lot lot lot goody–goody-goodness.  The Intern wasn’t really a movie, as it was more like a feeling – a good one you juss didn’t want to end.  I was on the verge of tears a few times, and I had zero idea why.  None of it was that emotional.  Maybe I just REALLLLLLLLY wanted De Niro and Hathaway to succeed together.  The likelihood of that not happening was minus 2389123939239239, but still, I was REALLLY rooting for them to make it work, at work!  

I also realllllllllly liked the schulubby chubby combo of Adam DeVine and Zack Pearlman.  They like brothers from another smothers.  I want to smother them with my hugs

Verdictgo: can’t wait to watch this on cable TV for eons to come - Breast In Show

The Intern is ready to report at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mistress America
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-Wigging Out (Not In A Good way)
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 84 min

and

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
The Mod Squandered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

Noah Baumbach and Guy Ritchie have nothing in common, cept they both direct films, and both were born in September (one yearish a part).  Other than that, I happen to see both of their latest cinematic adventures within a week of each other.  But their movies DO have something in common – both were nice tries, but kinda more of the same, but basically near misses, that were kinda enjoyable.  Knowwhatttamean?

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is based off of a TV show that you’ve never seen (and neither of I), but it’s essentially a Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movie, set in the mod 60s.  It looks cool, zooms right along, but wasn’t much of anything.  But it did have an American playing a Russian, a Brit playing an American and a Swede playing a German!  What doesn’t make sense is how Ritchie used to make dumb fun movies, but with wit and bite.  U.N.C.L.E. had a look, but no wit or bite.  It didn’t have me crying U.N.C.L.E., but letz juss say I’m not camping out for a #2

Btw, I think I’d go gay for Henry Cavill.  I’ve been all in since I saw him on The Tudors, but now, more than EVER!!

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Noah Baumbach had previously done the impossible – he made the unwatchable Greta Gerwig watchable!!!  See Frances Ha… for more than juss laughs (HA!)!  A second helping of GG and Baumbach has gotta work the same mojo magic again, right?  You’d think, and while watching their Mistress America it kinda feels like it’s working, but in the end, it felt more like a misstepped Mistress!  Nothing felt natural – especially the acting – and none of the characters were all that likable, although I did like meeting Lola Kirke, who seems to be 1202102301320 times more talented than her sister, as seen on Girls.  I really tried and tried to like this movie.  I DID. I want Baumbach to be our new Woody Allen, spewing out New York stories that I want to dive into, but not so fast there buddy.  We’re edging back to reality – where Greta Gerwig is unwatchable.  Still, I’d camp out for what the two do next… as long as she’s watchable

Verdictgo: juss cause I kinda liked both movies, doesn’t mean they’re great movies, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Mistress From U.N.C.L.E. are both playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…