War For The Planet of The Apes
The Great APEscape
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

If War For The Planet of The Apes is the final film of this current, modern Planet of The Apes saga cycle, then director Matt Reeves and co-writer Mark Bomback ended things on a fitting, and very high note.  Sure, War wasn’t nearly as grand or as great as Dawn was, but a lovely finish nonetheless to a refreshing set of movies that started with Rise, and hopefully leaves the door open for more simian sensations in the years to come

I don’t have much of a problem with anything that rages on in War, but it seemed like less of a War and more of an escape from prison flick, wrapped in Apocalypse Now, wrapped in a giant pile of snow.  Come to think of it – Dawn was more of a War Apes movie, and War is more like an Escape Apes movie, which should not be confused with my personal favorite Apes movie of balls thyme – 1971’s Escape From The Planet of The Apes

OK, so I’m gonna complain a lil bit… but when our beloved Caesar (motion-capture maestro Andy Serkis) [spoiler alert] gets captured in this new movie by the latest human menace nemesis Woody Harrelson (who I thought would be terrible in this movie, but he actually made it work), I don’t understand why he doesn’t take out the king of the apes right then and there.  He lets him live, and in turn, give his fellow apes in bondage hope.  Look, I get it.  If he kills Caesar in the middle of the movie, then it wouldn’t make for a good rest of the movie, but I dunno, maybe spice things up a bit?

Well, they did spice things up a bit.  They give us an adorable mute human girl (Amiah Miller) taken in by the apes, who’s like Aliens‘ Newt for a whole new generation!  And that plate faced orange ape Maurice steals the fcuking show and rocks the fcuking house being all smart and sensible and sensitive and juss all around awesome!!!  Oh, and we get a NEW talking ape (Steve Zahn), who’s like the perfect comic relief for a movie that doesn’t have much to laugh at or relief from endless violence!

This new saga covered the Genesis and Exodus of the apes, but where do we go from here?  Planet of The Apes: Leviticus!!!

Verdictgo: high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Go ape for Apes today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Baby Driver
iPod Racing
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 113 min

Lets face it - Edgar Wright isn’t THAT great of a director, but man, does that guy certainly try to direct the fcuk out of his movies, and man, does he sure like to have fun, and hopes that you will too.  I’ve sorta had fun seeing all of his films (he’s definitely good at ideas and decent at humor), but I have only truly loved one of them – Hot Fuzz. I didn’t LOVE love his latest – Baby Driver – but it was certainly fun (and more fun but not nearly as good as the seriously driven Drive was), and it was certainly better than all of his other (non-Fuzzy) films that juss weren’t quite there

Had Baby Driver been directed by someone else, say Guy Ritchie or Matthew Vaughn, or even the the Wachowskis, this could have been something momentous.  Ritchie or Vaughn could have made it more polished, and taken the tongue with the cheek, instead of juss being mostly a wagging tongue.  The Wachowskis failed with Speed Racer, but I think they would have soared with the keys to Baby Driver.  Directed by Edgar, the film felt not quite Wright (the car driving scenes in particular didn’t seem overly fast nor furious enuff), but as a whole, it was better than OK, and that’s… OK, cause I really liked the main character – A LOT!  Juss wish the presentation was more presentable, + all the side attractions needed more traction to them

Speaking of the man and the man who played him - Baby Driver IS Ansel Elgort‘s young Han Solo movie.  A finalist for the role he didn’t get, Elgort does super fine as a slick and cool maverick pilot (of a car) flying/driving into the heart of danger, and coming out of it each and every time barely alive, but even slicker and cooler than he was before!  He even wears a jacket that’s very Han-y Solo-ish

Dude – Baby Driver IS Ansel Elgort As Young Han Solo The Movie!!!

But what about everything else?

The movie is all about the soundtrack, and while there are some choice cuts (‘Harlem Shuffle’, Blur’s ‘Intermission’, the Beach Boys’ ‘Let’s Go Away For Awhile’), a lot of the other choices were either too obvious, kinda forgettable, or didn’t match the speed of the car/action.  If I ever made a movie, and had a car chase in it, I would certainly use Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Run’.  But I’m probably not going to make a movie, so I’ll juss be critical of people who do make em!

loved the Michael Meyers mask joke, juss wish it wasn’t ruined for me in the trailer

Lily James is a peach as baby’s babe, but maybe a bit too syrupy sweet

Kevin Spacey somehow doesn’t chew enough of the scenery as you think he would

Jon Hamm is likable, and then becomes detestable – and who wants to endure an unlikable Jon Hamm?

Jamie Foxx – I dunno what he was, but I could barely understand any of his lines of dialog, so he didn’t really register with me

Speaking of a foxx…

HUBBA BUBBA YUBBA HUMMANANA HUMMMMMANA AY DIOS MIO 

Eiza González!!!!!

Verdictgo: juss enuff to make it a Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Baby goes into overDriver currently at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Maudie
Micro, Soft Paint
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

Maud Lewis was a simple woman, who lived a simple existence in a simple Nova Scotian coastal town.  Apparently everything else about her was not so simple.  She suffered from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, and in turn, suffered from unsupportive and resentful relatives.  No one believed in her, or her ability to do anything because of her condition.  That trend continued when a no-nonsense loner fish peddler named Everett Lewis begrudgingly took her on as a live-in housekeeper, in his simple tiny home, cause simply there was no one else willing to take the job.  But after she moved in, she started to slowly move into his heart, and as she began to open hers, her talent as a folksy, SIMPLE painter emerged, and Everett succumbed to both painter and her paint.  Soon, others from around the continent (even Richard Nixon!) would line-up behind Everett to do the same.  YOU GO MAUDE!!

This is the subject of the simple, yet simply beautiful new film Maudie by Aisling Walsh, starring the mos eggsalad Sally Hawkins as the real-life subject, and a Sling-Bladey Ethan Hawke as the curmudgeon husband to be.  The movie is unassuming, unshowy, unpolished – and the exact kind of movie diversion we need during the summer of usual cinematic garbage.  Its simplicity is a stroke of genius – so dig in, and watch the paint  (Canada) dry, and perhaps watch as your eyes don’t remain dry!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Maudie is on display currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Wonder Woman
Some Kind of Not So Wonderful
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

I was all for Wonder Woman, the character and the actress playing her, but not so much for the Patty Jenkins movie.  lemme explain, in imagery…

there was a land of nothing but ladies and I was all for that.  ZZ Top would be too

but for some reason, all the women had accents like Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky, and it was strange to hear Robin Wright do a Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky imitation 

–

but it’s all good, cause they descended from Zeus and they tell us their HERstory thru like some pretty cool moving paintings or something

and we follow the growings up of the youngest of this all lady crew – Diana, who’s that super hot Israeli chick from 9 Fast 19 Furious – Gal Gadot, and then we’re like ‘Oh, I’ll follow her, wherever she goes!!  Hopefully to like a shower scene!!‘

but then dreamy Captain Kirk shows up

and when men, and war are introduced, the movie turns into a 1/2 rate version of the first Captain America movie

where our villains are more cookie-cutter than villains made from a cookie cutter

including one that’s like a female version of that 1/2 face dude from Boardwalk Empire (who is the nephew to the other baddie in the movie, Danny Huston)

and these bad peoples are beyond obsessed with gas, but not the funny kind

but before our heroine and her blue-eyed boy friend (he’s a boy, who’s a friend) can fight evil and their gas, she must first hide her sexy costume in the demur WWI-era clothings, so why not a give your fanboy & fangirl audience exactly what they want – a trying on clothing montage!

and then waste more time talking to mustachioed generals (one being David Thewlis, who certainly has rebounded from being in The Island of Dr Moreau), who look like they’re on the cover of Stratego

and then we’re introduced to a set of pointless sidekicks (apologies to actors I truly love, Ewen Bremner & Saïd Taghmaoui, but your characters were cardboard lameness, a breath of hot air, and a waste of everyone’s time – even Wonder Woman’s – she doesn’t need your help!!), including a Native American for no reason (apologies to you Eugene Brave Rock, who I’m sure is a lovely man)

and then it’s like a WWI trench movie, but like the least interesting one you’ve seen

and then there’s more boring stuff that takes like 19292929ever, and then it eventually turns into one giant Zack Snyder bunk-a$$ DC movie, where there’s all this dark darkness stuff, and nothing but destruction, and it sucks a$$$$, and for some reason, our final round bad guy is Sauron from LOTR

and then after all that, the movie is basically over, and I was like, WTF????, was this a movie about Wonder Woman, or like a WWI movie about a bunch of dudes and proto-Nazis, and all of it wasn’t really that interesting, and was actually kinda corny, and didn’t include any shower scenes with Wonder Woman in it???!!!!

Again, I’m all for Wonder Woman, and the actress, but not for this movie.  I know there will be another movie (not including the Justice League one,which looks so retched, I won’t even bother to see it), but can they at least make the next one less manly, less dark, and more showery??? C’mon guys,
this isn’t rocket scientology – it’s a hot chick in a hot outfit, kicking a$$.  Keep it simple, and showery

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Woman is not quite Wonderful at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Alien: Covenant
Fassbender²
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 122 min

I returned from 2 weeks away in Italy, and after a night of attempting to reset my biological clock (it didn’t work), the next morning, the only thing I wanted to do (besides laundry) was see the new Alien movie - Alien: Covenant.  But I think I forgot to brush up on Prometheus before seeing it.  Oooops.  Kinda woulda helped!!!

Speaking of Prometheus, why did everyone hate that movie so much?  Cause the humans were dumb and did dumb things?  Well, what would you have done on a planet you’ve never been too????  Also, who wants to see a movie where smart astronauts avoid getting killed?  Aren’t the Alien movies all about watching humans getting killed by aliens in the most horrific ways possible??? And did everyone forget about how scary and captivating the movie was, and how there was an alien in our hero’s body and she c-sectioned the thing the fcuk out of her and it literally was like the most insane thing ever??????????????

Anywho, Covenant is the next prequelish chapter in Ridley Scott‘s continued attempt to properly resurrect the franchise, while raising new big questions, and introducing us to new dumb humans (welcome Billy Crudup!)  Luckily, the smartest ‘man’ in the room remains Michael Fassbender, and… Michael Fassbender.  No spoilers here, but lets just say, double the Fassbender, double the twisted fun!  And while the new crew includes a nice mix of actors from Demián Bichir to Danny McBride (not as comicy reliefy as you’d think), you know this one’s gonna be all about some short-haired lady, who’s probably going to have a high survivability rate – hello Katherine Waterston!!! 

Yes, hello!  Waterston seems to be in everything these days, but I would say any movie where she is wearing clothes, is a failure, cause she can totally be in a movie without clothes [NSFW]

But there’s something about her in Covenant that doesn’t exactly click, and we don’t feel for her, like they way we did for Prometheus‘ Noomi Rapace.  Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?????  And what’s up with the white engineer dudes?  And the black goo?  And this and that?  

Covenant has more to say than Prometheus, but I don’t necessarily think it’s AS good – but remember, I really liked Prometheus (and you probably didn’t).  The day after seeing the new one, I revisited the Prometheus and I like it more now than I ever have!!!  I mean, again, c’mon, the good doctor gives herself a cesarean section and the thing that comes out of it sucks on one of those white engineer dudes and becomes a fcuking insane alien!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT???  There are aliens in this Alien movie, and we sorta now know how they came to be, and how we came to be, and it’s both beautiful and unnerving, and these are prequels making us think – not making itself STINK

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Covenant agrees with you at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…