Thighs Wide Shut

Wonder Woman
Some Kind of Not So Wonderful
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

I was all for Wonder Woman, the character and the actress playing her, but not so much for the Patty Jenkins movie.  lemme explain, in imagery…

there was a land of nothing but ladies and I was all for that.  ZZ Top would be too

but for some reason, all the women had accents like Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky, and it was strange to hear Robin Wright do a Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky imitation 

–

but it’s all good, cause they descended from Zeus and they tell us their HERstory thru like some pretty cool moving paintings or something

and we follow the growings up of the youngest of this all lady crew – Diana, who’s that super hot Israeli chick from 9 Fast 19 Furious – Gal Gadot, and then we’re like ‘Oh, I’ll follow her, wherever she goes!!  Hopefully to like a shower scene!!‘

but then dreamy Captain Kirk shows up

and when men, and war are introduced, the movie turns into a 1/2 rate version of the first Captain America movie

where our villains are more cookie-cutter than villains made from a cookie cutter

including one that’s like a female version of that 1/2 face dude from Boardwalk Empire (who is the nephew to the other baddie in the movie, Danny Huston)

and these bad peoples are beyond obsessed with gas, but not the funny kind

but before our heroine and her blue-eyed boy friend (he’s a boy, who’s a friend) can fight evil and their gas, she must first hide her sexy costume in the demur WWI-era clothings, so why not a give your fanboy & fangirl audience exactly what they want – a trying on clothing montage!

and then waste more time talking to mustachioed generals (one being David Thewlis, who certainly has rebounded from being in The Island of Dr Moreau), who look like they’re on the cover of Stratego

and then we’re introduced to a set of pointless sidekicks (apologies to actors I truly love, Ewen Bremner & Saïd Taghmaoui, but your characters were cardboard lameness, a breath of hot air, and a waste of everyone’s time – even Wonder Woman’s – she doesn’t need your help!!), including a Native American for no reason (apologies to you Eugene Brave Rock, who I’m sure is a lovely man)

and then it’s like a WWI trench movie, but like the least interesting one you’ve seen

and then there’s more boring stuff that takes like 19292929ever, and then it eventually turns into one giant Zack Snyder bunk-a$$ DC movie, where there’s all this dark darkness stuff, and nothing but destruction, and it sucks a$$$$, and for some reason, our final round bad guy is Sauron from LOTR

and then after all that, the movie is basically over, and I was like, WTF????, was this a movie about Wonder Woman, or like a WWI movie about a bunch of dudes and proto-Nazis, and all of it wasn’t really that interesting, and was actually kinda corny, and didn’t include any shower scenes with Wonder Woman in it???!!!!

Again, I’m all for Wonder Woman, and the actress, but not for this movie.  I know there will be another movie (not including the Justice League one,which looks so retched, I won’t even bother to see it), but can they at least make the next one less manly, less dark, and more showery??? C’mon guys,
this isn’t rocket scientology – it’s a hot chick in a hot outfit, kicking a$$.  Keep it simple, and showery

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Woman is not quite Wonderful at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

War Horse
More Like Bore Horse
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 146 min

Apparently there’s this beloved book turned into a hit play about a boy and his horse a horse and his boy, who loved one another like no horse and no boy could have ever loved one another, BUT THEY DID IT (not actually did it, but you know what we mean).  Apparently there love was so great that Steven Spielberg needed to make a movie out of it.  If you see one Spielberg movie this winter, do not make it War Horse, unless you love horses more than people, and if you do, please never come to this dot org ever again

OK, so it was kinda cool to see how horses’ role in warfare came to an abrupt end in WWI, due to trenches and tanks, but it wasn’t all that cool to watch a horse change hands from a poor English family (newbie boy Jeremy Irvine + parents Emily Watson and Peter Mullan), to a super fruity English army officer who knows how to draw (Tom Hiddleston), then to the kid from The Reader (David Kross), then to the old dude from The Prophet (Niels Arestrup), and then into no man’s land, before the eventual (no real sirprize here, but a spoiler lessthenone) reunion with the boy.  Yep, that’s the story, and yep, our main character is a horse.  Yep, the horse hands in the best horse performance of the year, but wouldn’t you rather watch Tintin run around the world in search of treasure instead of a boy searching for a horse?

The movie is well made, but it’s juss not all that compelling, and never registers on an emotional level that it is desperately trying to reach for (the script is ultra-fromage-y).  The most we got out of it was being happy for peeps like David Thewlis, Benedict Cumberbatch, Toby Kebbell, Eddie Marsan and Liam Cunningham who finally got to be in a Spielberg movie.  Is that some sort of an accomplishment?  Not really, but all of their performances (+ Celine Buckens &  Robert Emms) are commendable in a not so commendable flick

moral of the story – said it before – bore Horse.  nuff said again

No More Horsing Around: horses were still hactually used in WWII, mainly on the Eastern Front, even by the Poles, who couldn’t get their screen door submarines into action quick enuff to halt the Nazis

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

War Horse trots into a theater near jews on Xmas day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Anonymous
Unfamous A’mous
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Roland Emmerich makes the shittiest of shit movies - Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, 2012, Godzilla, and a zillion other disasters that deal with natural and man-made disasters, including, but not limited to disasters in the crafts of writing and acting.  Not for a second did we ever think Emmerich was capable of making anything remotely enjoyable, let alone watchable.  Crazier things have happened, and there’s plenty of crazy things happening in Emmerich’s Anonymous, EASILY the best movie he’s ever made (although we still need to see Stargate), and in general, a f$%king fun popcorn flick that blends revisionist history with high adventure, in a yarn that actually doesn’t have much adventure to make high

Credit times 9 zillion to Emmerich and writer John Orloff, for taking a pretty dry subject (did Shakespeare write all those plays OR WAS IT SOMEONE ELSE???!???!) and making it wet like a hurricane.  Every scene feels like it’s super important, even if it’s not, and this is how Emmerich’s background with disaster flicks directly benefits his attempt at making a real movie, and unbelievably somehow makes it all work!!!  And the end result be one the moist entertaining Tudor era movies we’ve seen in quite awhile!!  IT’S TRUE!!!!!

The idea that Willy Shakes is a fraud is not a new one, but we’re sure most average moviegoers don’t know much about those conspiracy theories.  Those who don’t should relish this hot dog, and those scholarly folks who do, should juss shut their brains down and enjoy it for what it is.  And what it is aint juss an authorship question movie, but also who that asks ‘who’s yer daddy?’, filled with plenty of saucy sexual secrets + plenty of awesome facial hair and ruff-neck bidness!!!  Plus+++ the cast is udderly fantastic, top to bottom, from Vanessa Redgrave‘s Queen Elizabeth (+ her daughter Joely Richardson playing the younger version of her!) to Rhys Ifans as the bard behind the bard (+ pretty boy Jamie Campbell Bower as a dashing young version of him), to David Thewlis and Edward Hogg as the mos regal royal assholes since Count Rugen, to Sebastian Armesto, who’s like a cheaper James McAvoy, and Rafe Spall, who’s like a cheaper Ryan Reynolds, as Shakey, who wethinks invented crowd surfing

Learning fake (OR MAYBE TRUE!!!) history has never been this fun!!!!

Roland With The Homeboys: Emmerich’s London home is blammazin!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOOOOOOOOOOOOOS Worth A Peepers

Anonymous will be known today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…