Thighs Wide Shut

another year passes
another year of gas passing
college still stays the same
but we get olders
but not wisers

man, are we really old

but man, them young chix these days be wearing like nothing more than a bra and nothing

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Indiana, home to the whitest people you don’t know

theys peoples is
the salt of the pepper

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and home to the lamest bestest football players ever – EVER!!!

(2 dem being Redskins)

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and this guy

I signed him to a 9 picture deal to play Howard Taft and the Monopoly Guy and every awesome fatty guy with a mustache

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and now we enter
the farty food section

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ZA and WINGS!!!!!!!!

together at last/gas

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PESTO CHEESE STIXXXXXXXX!!!

at Mother Bear’s!

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+ onion rings as big as Greeny

and they didn’t even taste good, but they was SO BIGGGG

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THESE

MIGHT juss be the world’s bestest wings. MIGHT.  no, seriously.
no, 5reals.  no, 9reals

–

YOU’VE BEEN RANCHED

DEAL WITH IT

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hot sh!ts, only $3!!

personally, I don’t like
to spend more than $2

–

but THIS is where I really
want to go one day

and that negative review is actually the glowingest glowing review ever cause fat people know where to get damn good food that keeps them fat

–

oh college

never change

–

NEVER

and we’ll keep coming back

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and maybe, juss maybe

we’ll retire in you!
not even jokings
17reals

 

oh, want to relive old ranch fart memories?  CLICK ME!

yer lucky the internet can’t emit smells, cause these Stinky Stickers from the 80s f#$king stunk!

there’s Chicago pizza

and then there’s everything else that calls itself pizza which is basically Lender’s bagels

don’t ask where’s the beef, cause you know that shiz was in our stomachs within 8 seconds

and then 10 seconds later, the solids turns into a gaseous state

if you don’t put ketchup on a hot dog, yer juss plain stoopid

we’ll leave it up to you as to how many pickles should go on a dog

this picture is not related to the food above

but is related to how amazing the Wrigley Field bathrooms are!

Wrigley, you know, the place where Balki & Cousin Larry get jiggy with it!

and the place where the Natsies owned the Cubsies

THIS IS WHAT THE SKY LOOKS LIKE IN WRIGLEY!!!

JESUS AND MOSES AND GOD BUILT THIS PLACE!!!

Curly Ws and Rounded Cs in perfect harmony

why can’t we all just get a shlong?

was so blessed to be with and to bring together this trio of fine peepholes

Señor Gombiergas, Joe E Tata & Peabsly P Peabody

this guy was not a part of our party

but he sure knows how to party (in his own mind)

even took time out of our busy eating & Curly W schedule to see things

like potential Quiet On The Sets posts like the Home Alone house!

f$&k The Hunger Lames cause this abandoned women’s hospital is more future bad cool than anything in that stoopid movie

dog bless you Bertrand Goldberg

and this is where Dillinger got plugged

plug in, or tune out, yo!

even got a lil Bahá’í on life

then listened to the Bahá’men

who let the dogs/drugs out?

we were here

and we wish you were too

–

this list is life

and farts!

–

this picture should hang at the MoMA

this ranch sauce should
be served everywhere

–

leftovers?  not bloody likely

indigestion?  bloody likely

–

hollandaise holiday sauce

black gold, Bloomington tea

–

this is our brains on college

any questions?

–

biz sinking at Nick’s
is always mandatory

woman in the background was shocked that we were able to
capture the pour in mid-flight

–

blue drinks for all!

good tasting drinks for none!

–

rough nite for somebody

but sometimes a necessary evil

–

and now for the ‘cultural’
part of our tour

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Zells yeah!!!

fighting Illini? more like losing Illini!!!

–

if you can read these
you don’t need glasses

and probably also have a tiny penis

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IU Cinema is a bestestestest

and so was seeing the Cary Grant / Katherine Hepburn comedy Holiday

–

we’d follow the RHCP cover band
Funky Monks practically anywhere…

…there’s 8 cent beer
and 18 year old women

–

????

does not compute

–

America, where everything’s bigger, not necessarily better

you lighters up our lives

–

boob grab!!!

but the question is, real boobs???

–

LOL!!!!

LOL!!!! continued

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looking for ranch farts from years past?  YOU GOT IT!!!

Drive
Motive Auto
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Everything about Drive is so f%cking cool – the 80s snyth pop, the toothpicks, Albert Brooks‘ nice-guy-asshole asshole nice-guyedness, that satin scorpion jacket, the lighting in the elevator on Carey Mulligan‘s adorable face, the use of the Risky Business font, Ryan Gosling‘s clenched leathered fists, Christina Hendricks 8 seconds of screen time, balancing the audio between the police scanner and the basketball game, that creepy rubber face mask, Bryan Cranston‘s limp, Nino’s delicious menu, Oscar Isaac‘s sudden fall, strippers watching hammer time, Ron Perlman‘s annoyingness properly used, handshakes, hand holding, and pretty much every single choice director Nicolas Winding Refn made to make Drive drive

What about the script?  It was aiiiiight, but this baby’s all style (AND DETAILS!!!), and has enough substance that you should substance abuse this

This is what all 5 Fast & Furiouseses should have been

Get out of your dreams and into a car to see Drive!

Drive-ing Map: thanks to Movieline, when now know where all of Gosling’s pit stops are, including where Nino/Vincenzo’s Pizzerias is/are!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show 

Drive wees crazy at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…