2013 was a pretty weak year for movies, but life outside of the theater trumped life inside of it (I met the love of my life! and it’s a woman!  so I’m not gay!).  anywho, some movies were still better than garbage, and they is…

 

The Thirsteen Thirteen

 

1) Room 237

Shining on some crazy diamonds who put more thought into thinking about the Shining than anyone ever needed.  But once you hear these batshit crazy theories, you cannot unhear these batshit crazy theories, and you may juss go batshit crazy yoself

–

2) The Wolf of Wall Street

It’s like Goodfellas and Casino‘s younger, hipper brother

–

3) Her

Spike Jonze’ love story digitally penetrates!!

–

3) Captain Phillips

Taking hostages on screen AND off!!

–

4) All Is Lost

A better silent movie than The Artist

–

5) The Great Gatsby

A little party never killed nobody

–

6) The Hunt

Mads for Mads Mikkelsen

–

7) The Stories We Tell

Do Tell

–

8) Salinger

Trashy tabloid junk… that I couldn’t get enough of.  But what about the ‘pee in a jar’ rumors???

- 

9) My Father and The Man In Black

Cash-ed & carry-on, for the wayward son

–

10) Spring Breakers

more of a feeling than a movie, and a dirty one at that, but it inspired us to actually do something with video on the internets!! 

- 

11) Short Term 12

All Brie, no cheese 

–

12) Cutie and The Boxer

Starving for attention artists in residence

–

13) Our Nixon

Nixon bindess with pleasure! 

–

and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

42
The Armstrong Lie
Bettie Page Reveals All
Blue Caprice
Blue Jasmine
Dallas Buyers Club
Enough Said
Fill The Void
Frances Ha
Mandela Long Walk To Freedom
Nebraska
The Past
(first 1/3 of) Place Beyond The Pines
The Reluctant Fundamentalist
Rush
Saving Mr Banks
The Source Family
The Spectacular Now

–

wanna second opinion?  future Mrs Thigh Master weighs in!  

(poor girl saw more movies in a theater this past year than probably ever!!!)

Best Movies 

5. Short Term 12

4. The Wolf of Wall Street

3. Dallas Buyers Club

2. Captain Phillips

1. Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Runner up –

‘Best’ [meaning WURST] Movies  

5. Inside Llewyn Davis

4. The Book Thief

3. Don Jon

2. Upstream Color

1. I’m So Excited (Los amantes pasajeros)

Runner up –

The Sapphires

our annual anal movie awards – The Thighsmans – drops the week of the Oscars 

until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

2012
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

Captain Phillips 
A Must SEA
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 134 min

Captain Phillips is a real person.  Some really really real sh!t happened to him.  Fo’real.  Five’reals.  999999’reals.  None of us would ever want to walk/sail a mile in his poop-deck shoes, even if the stuff that happened to him didn’t happen to him.  That’s probably why none of us are captains of cargo ships that pass thru ye dreaded pirate alleys of today.  Who be the pirates of today?   No, they aint from Pittsburg, they from Somalia. It’s a poor country, and sometimes people go to such extremes that they have to hijack ships and demand money and stuff.  This is what happened to Captain Richard Phillips and the crew of the Maersk Alabama.  But Captain Phillips wouldn’t let any harm come to his crew or cargo or ship, so he saved them all by putting himself in more danger.  What happens next is either something you already know or (hopefully) not, but either way, Paul Greengrass‘ rivitinglisciously-rousing panic-stomach-knot-inducing 134 minute thrill ride movie is BEYOND required viewing, especially if you consider one of THE best films of the year to be something you should probably see

Cap’n P is embodied by our generation’s Jimmy Stewart – Mr Tom Hanks, but I don’t think even Jimmy Stewart could pull off what Hanks does done in Greengrass’ grassy knoll (whatever that means).  You know Hanks can play any type of character (usually nice dudes), and will make whatever character he plays instantly likable and believable, but Hanks has been taking on such blah roles for most of the past decade.  Don’t think he’s won our heart this much since he got lost as Viktor Navorski in the horribly amazing The Terminal.  But what Hanks does in Phillips isn’t just his best work in a decade, it’s one of his best pieces of work period.  Yep, right up there with Gump, Woody, Josh Baskin, Jimmy Dugan, and whomever he played in Philadelphia.  Wow, just wow.  Still being wowed just typing the word ‘wow’ when describing Hanks in Phillips

But Hanks isn’t even really the star of the movie.  He literally takes a backseat to the four dudes who play the pirates.  Every single one of them should be given awards, parades, a street named in their honor, and probably some food, so they aint so dangs skinny.  Oodles of kudos galore go out to Barkhad Abdi, Barkhad Abdirahman, Faysal Ahmed and Mahat M Ali (with the bestestest forehead-afro combo on planet earth).  They scare the Captain & crew onscreen, and us off screen.  I’m sure they scare themselves juss looking into a mirror.  Look at this gif below and tell me you aint scared of that man and his barely fingers!!?!??!?!  Can he even pick up a fork????  Doesn’t matter, cause he picks up our eyes and keeps them glued to his

Verdictgo: beyond Breast In Show

Captain Phillips sets ails and sails into a theater near jews today

Ship Mates:  filming happened on the Alabama’s sister ship, the Alexander Maersk 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…