2013 was a pretty weak year for movies, but life outside of the theater trumped life inside of it (I met the love of my life! and it’s a woman!  so I’m not gay!).  anywho, some movies were still better than garbage, and they is…

 

The Thirsteen Thirteen

 

1) Room 237

Shining on some crazy diamonds who put more thought into thinking about the Shining than anyone ever needed.  But once you hear these batshit crazy theories, you cannot unhear these batshit crazy theories, and you may juss go batshit crazy yoself

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2) The Wolf of Wall Street

It’s like Goodfellas and Casino‘s younger, hipper brother

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3) Her

Spike Jonze’ love story digitally penetrates!!

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3) Captain Phillips

Taking hostages on screen AND off!!

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4) All Is Lost

A better silent movie than The Artist

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5) The Great Gatsby

A little party never killed nobody

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6) The Hunt

Mads for Mads Mikkelsen

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7) The Stories We Tell

Do Tell

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8) Salinger

Trashy tabloid junk… that I couldn’t get enough of.  But what about the ‘pee in a jar’ rumors???

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9) My Father and The Man In Black

Cash-ed & carry-on, for the wayward son

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10) Spring Breakers

more of a feeling than a movie, and a dirty one at that, but it inspired us to actually do something with video on the internets!! 

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11) Short Term 12

All Brie, no cheese 

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12) Cutie and The Boxer

Starving for attention artists in residence

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13) Our Nixon

Nixon bindess with pleasure! 

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and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

42
The Armstrong Lie
Bettie Page Reveals All
Blue Caprice
Blue Jasmine
Dallas Buyers Club
Enough Said
Fill The Void
Frances Ha
Mandela Long Walk To Freedom
Nebraska
The Past
(first 1/3 of) Place Beyond The Pines
The Reluctant Fundamentalist
Rush
Saving Mr Banks
The Source Family
The Spectacular Now

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wanna second opinion?  future Mrs Thigh Master weighs in!  

(poor girl saw more movies in a theater this past year than probably ever!!!)

Best Movies 

5. Short Term 12

4. The Wolf of Wall Street

3. Dallas Buyers Club

2. Captain Phillips

1. Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Runner up –

‘Best’ [meaning WURST] Movies  

5. Inside Llewyn Davis

4. The Book Thief

3. Don Jon

2. Upstream Color

1. I’m So Excited (Los amantes pasajeros)

Runner up –

The Sapphires

our annual anal movie awards – The Thighsmans – drops the week of the Oscars 

until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

2012
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

we present to you, a TWS original…

Oz Breakers – Oz The Great and Powerful / Spring Breakers Trailer Mashup

Spring Breakers 
Bikini Overkill
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Harmony Korine‘s Spring Breakers is exactly what you’d think/expect/want it to be.  Maybe more, maybe less, but dude, in the end, it’s fcuking Spring Breakers!!! It’s Korine’s most mainstream movie to date (a good thing), but not necessarily his best (it’s RIGHT up there, but kinda hard to top the depth and beauty of Mister Lonely), but for those who don’t know the difference between Gummo and Chico & The Man, juss go and see it and have your eyes melt  

Spring Breakers is like one long episode of UK’s Skins, but neonier, pastelier, gangstier, and way dirtier, but it doesn’t go ALL THE WAY disgustingly dirty (this isn’t Enter The Void, but it is the same cinematographer!), cause if it did, we’d despise this movie, instead of being energized by it.  Actually, it’s more like this Skins promo, which was raunchier than anything on the actual show, although the show itself was pretty raunchy.  So lets juss say the Spring Breakers‘ is Skins‘ very American cousin, k?  (wait, you’ve seen Skins, right????)

Much has been made about former Disney starlets Vanessa Hudgens (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY WIFE????) & Selena Gomez being turned into Korine harlots, and much should be made about it, cause you get to see sides of these girls that you’ve never seen before –  their acting talents the sides of their boobs, and butts!!  Dude, Spring Breakers!!  But don’t get too excited.  The one Spring Breaker who drops trou more than the others is Korine’s real life wife, Rachel Korine, the least looker of the bunch.  Drats.  But put away your calls of nepotism, cause Rachel kinda sorta feels like a well-needed mother-figure to these tween-sweetheart tarts of raging pleasure, even if she’s raging more than all of them combined.  Oh, and the fourth breaker is Pretty Little Liar‘s Ashley Benson, and she’s hotter than mercury on the surface of Mercury!!!!   Oh man, bless this foursome, especially since their entire wardrobe consists of bikinis.  All they wanted was spring break.  So what if they had to rob a BBQ joint with ski-masks, water guns and sledgehammers to make it happen???

After a bunch of endless days and nights of typical collegiate beach partying, the girls break bad when they get tangled up with wankster drug & arms mini-kingpin James Franco (this is when the movie starts to REALLLLLLY click its heels/grillz).  He crosses every line, especially the line of looking like a human being.  Muss be why he goes by the name of Alien.  He’s like the slimiest white dude to ever sport cornrows, and pretty much every white dude that sports cornrows is the slimiest white dude ever (his helpers - The ATL Twins – don’t have cornrows, but they’s slimy in their own special way)  

But the girls take to him, and he giveth back to them.  Ya see, the girls live for spring break.  They don’t want it to ever end.  James Franco’s Alien is the embodiment of spring break never ending.  They want to be him (cept for Gomez).  He wants them to be with him, and in him.  They sing Britney Spears songs together with guns in hand at sunset.  It doesn’t get much better than this, but then it does.  PLEASE DON’T LET SPRING BREAK EVER END!!!! 

But things go wrong, but not too wrong, cause the girls get what they want in the end - a spring break for the ages.  This is ultimately a ‘happy’ story.  A scary happy story, a nightmare that never felt better.  Every minute flirts with disaster, but the next minute keeps molesting you with laughter  

This film is a grower.  As the hours, now days pass, the more and more we fcuking hate that spring break in Spring Breakers ended.  Sure, it’s over, but it aint never over.  I keep hearing James Franco calmly chanting, ‘spreeeng braaaake, spreeeng braaaaaaaaake‘ in my ear.  You’ll hear it too.  And you also won’t be able to get this image out of yer head anytime soon neither, and why would you want it to leave your head???

Spring break forever.  Spring Breakers forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Verdictgo: it ages like fine wine.  thought it was purty darn good yesterday and now methinking it’s Breast In Show.  give me a week and I’ll proclaim it better than Zodiac

Spring Breakers breaks loose this Friday in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen 

oh, and animated gif posters should become the new posters

oh, and this Vanessa Hudgens poster will hang in every room of my house, and every inch of my brain.  Vanessa Hudgens (looking eggzactly like this) 9evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…