Don Jon 
Off Beat Beat Off 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

And the most annoying, poorly made debut film by someone we respect, and now don’t fully respect, cause we hated his film so much, film of 2013 is Joseph Gordon-Levitt‘s Don Jon

If you love a movie that revolves around endless internet masturbation (by a character who doesn’t even know how to clear their own browsing history – ZERO REALISM HERE PEOPLES), gratingly AWFUL hammy Joooursey accents (wish I didn’t have ears), endless annoying annoyingness (wish I also didn’t have eyes), that throws away whatever it ‘built’ up in its first 2/3rds for a final third that feels so out place and nothing to do-ish with them first two-thirds that you’ll juss wish this movie were released on any rock from the sun that isn’t the third one

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love me some Joseph Jason Jordan Gordon-Gerry-Graydon-Levitt-Stein-Berg.  Always felt like he (and James Franco) was to fill the vacuum that Heath Ledger left with his passing.  For the most part, he has come thru, and we relish anything he does, even if it is doo-doo, but Don Juan?  Beyond thunderdome doo-doo.  I wouldn’t wish this film on my würst enemies, and my würst enemies are sports teams from New York and the south, and George Clooney

JG-L plays the title character – a guy who loves the gym, his boyzzz, and picking up sluts, and going to church, and taaaaawwwwwk-ing with horrible Joouuurrrrssssssey accents with his over-acting parents Tony Danza and Glenne Headly.  He also loves his screen sister Brie Larson, but she doesn’t say a word, just plays on her phone and that’s suppose to be funny.  It’s not.  This movie thinks it’s really funny and clever, but it puts the UN in fUNny, and is more like clNEVER

Things get interesting for Jon (but not for us) when Scarlett Johansson shows up and rocks his world (and destroys our ears with her Joooooororuururusseey accent – that’s worseserererer than everyone else’s).  And then she finds out that he masturbates endlessly, and then awkward funny is suppose to happen, but all that happens is how awkard I felt watching this movie about a guy who beats off.  I beat off.  All men do.  But I don’t want to see a movie about it, especially if it has nothing deep to say about it.  JOing isn’t suppose to be something we think deep about.  It’s actually something we all enjoy doing, but then when the climax happens, it’s best to forget about what juss happened – but sometimes remorse seeks in.  Well, Don Juan is the same, but there’s no climax, and it’s all remorse.  WHY DID WE WATCH THIS???

Later in the movie, Julianne Moore shows up resembling an actual character that we could actually care about, but by the time the focus shifts to her, and away from the other crap that came before it, all wees want is Julianne LESS of anything having to do with this movie

JG-L’s production company is called hitRECord.  He should have hit delete on this whole project

Verdictgo:  Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donna JOn: if I had to say one nice thing about the movie – I would say that it least it had a lot of hot women in it, like…

Antoinette Kalaj

Don Jon sucks tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Peace The Forks Out

to

The Second Greatest Michael C Hall TV Show Ever

+

Ken Norton Senior

Nintendo messiah

he surrounded sound

David/Frost

Tommy ‘Machine’ Gunn

soapy sales

vanisheder

car man Cal

dude who made those lame mints…

The Gooch

Hitler’s guard of body – JERKFACE!!

a Broadway broad 

Alt(wo)man

rainwaterer

the 17th Beatle

PATSY SWAYZE…

(best parental name since Sal Pacino)

that German actor guy

some Irish actor guy

Music Man Murray

dancer with wolves

Burke’s babe

&

THE GUY THAT GAVE US THIS OPENING SHOT!!!

Travis
Webster Hall
September 23rd

Travis is the best.  Me don’t be needing to tell you how one of their concerts would goesz, considering I saw two of the dudes without the other two dudes and it ended up being third greatestest concert I had ever seen.  They have a new album out. It’s Travis-y lite.  Less rocking, but still solid stuff

here’s the…

Setlist – Mother / Sing / Selfish Jean / Pipe Dreams / Moving / Love Will Come Through / Driftwood / Warning Sign / Re-Offender / Where You Stand / My Eyes / Reminder / Side / Writing To Reach You / Closer / Slide Show / Blue Flashing Light / Turn 

Encore - Good Feeling  / Flowers in the Window (Acoustic) / All I Want To Do Is Rock / Why Does It Always Rain On Me? / Mother (played again for a music video recording) 

anywho, there be two things I really want to make note of…

1) bassist Dougie Payne is married to Kelly Macdonald, who is on Boardwalk Empire.  guess who was at the show supporting Mr Macdonald?  None other than castmates Steve Buscemi and Jack Huston (who makes rubber face man still look pretty).  I’d do all of these people.  so would you

and

2) speaking of Dougie Payne, apparently he’s gone with a more mature hairdo these days, going up with his locks instead of down, and now he looks exactly like a younger, happier version of one of my MOIST flavorite non-speaking 1 second characters to ever appear on The Office – the Michael Scott mnemonically nicknamed ‘Lazy Eye’ fella in the ‘Lecture Circuit‘ episode (couldn’t find the name of the actual actor, so if you are this actor and you are reading this, hello, I love you, now won’t you tell me your name)

 

 

 

Japanese poster for A Night On The Town aka Adventures in Babysitting 

interesting how they changed the hook-handed character from a white dude to a black one, for no reason

the original US poster features no hooked person

some foreign posters show Shue’s love interest

my guess is they used the image of the bad guy trying to grab lil Sara on the roof of that skyscrapper and added a hook to him cause Japanese people are scared of black dudes with hooks???

Rush 
Winning Formula One 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 123 min

I have negative one interest in Formula One racing, and after seeing the Ron Howard directed/Peter Morgan written Rush, I still have negative 1 interest in the ‘sport’, but I have 1293891991321293 positive things to say about their beyond interesting/captivating/thrilling/fun film (same thing happened after I saw the INCREDIBLE doc Senna).  Ya see, skinny car racing is what the film’s rival characters do.  Sure, we root for them to win, but we care more about them as people then we do about thems taking the checkered flagz.  This is what the great sports movies do.  Actual winning is secondary to winning personalities  

The winning dudes are real life F1 racers – icy technical Niki Lauda and playboy pretty boy James Hunt, and they pushed each other to the limit in the mid-seventies, by putting the pedal to the metal, and trash-talking to the mental.  Lauda is embodied by the GREAT GREAT GREAT and vastly underatted and unknown (to Americans) Daniel Brühl, and Hunt by the greatly beautiful Chris Hemsworth, probably handing in his best work to date

Rush is a terrible name for a movie, but that’s eggzactly what the movie felt like and how it was paced – quickly zooming and vrrrrrrrrroooommmmmming us thru the two’s racing origin stories (they started in Formula Three.  hmmm, didn’t even know there were other types of Formula # racingsz), to their extracurricular activities (Hunt’s many c#nts, and Lauda’s main lady – played by the gorgeous Alexandra Maria Lara), to duking it out on the Formula One circuit (focusing mainly on the 1976 season), where it all basically culminates on that one fateful day that would intertwine the two’s lives together forever  

It’s all a GAS GAS GAS, that’s both FAST and FURIOUS, and has more brains AND brawn (and beauty – much WOWsers in the cinematography AND colorist departments!) in one movie than the Fast & Furious series’ has haves over six movies!!!!!!  AND WE LOVE THOSE MOVIES, BUT THEY HAVE MEATHEADS, AND RUSH AS AWESOMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND THE FORMULA IS SIMPLE… AWESOMEHEADS will ALWAYS be > MEATHEADS!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DEF Worth A Peepers

Race Time Face Time:  Sports Figures Portrayed in Movies

Rush, do not walk to a theater showing this.  it opens today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…