Thighs Wide Shut

Men In Black 3
Third Is The Word
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

No one usually asks for thirds, but that never stopped Hollywood from serving triple helpings of anything that will automatically bring in the bucks.  You can’t fault the cash grab of a third Men In Black, with all the principal players in place, but is this something people really need?  Turns out we do.  Apparently there’s more to the relationship of Agent J and K than any of us could have ever imagined, which makes Men In Black 3 not only watchable, but totally watchable!!!  IT’S TRUE!!!

MiB3 starts off with the usual inane silliness of J & K hunting down gross aliens and then returning to their stark white offices to do office stuff, but then things get more interesting.  Main bad guy alien Jemaine Clement jumps into the past with aims of maiming the man (Tommy Lee Jones) who done him wrong, so Will Smith has no choice but to follow him back in time so things don’t go bad in the future!!!  Fish out of waterness ensues, Mad Men clothes are sported, and Michael Stuhlbarg acts weirderer than his screen brother Richard Kind did in A Serious Man  

This means Tommy Lee Jones is younger, and Josh Brolin brilliantly plays/imitates him as young version of Tommy Lee Jones.  Genius!  Will Smith imitates himself and it’s all basically juss a MiB movie that takes place in the 60s.  So far, so passable.  BUT then things get really really interesting!  They do!  Not gonna say how or why, but it comes at the end, and makes the whole thing well worth sitting thru.  Even if we have to endure the brief presence of toothy Alice Eve and her toothy teeth, pretending to be a younger Emma Thompson.  What is it about Alice Eve?  Why is she becoming a go to actress? Does she have dirty pictures of every studio head in Hollywood?  Or do these studio heads have a teeth fetish?

moral of the story – we didn’t need it, no one really asked for it, but as third movies go, Barry Sonnenfeld semi-sorta has us asking for more!  how is this possible? these movies are really nuttin but stupid fun.  But #3 is more than stupid fun.  WHY?  we’ll tell you why – this movie ends up having more heart than Mola Ram’s hands done does in a year!!  AND THAT’S A LOT OF HEARTSES!!!

Warhol of Fame: it was the 60s, so of course Andy Warhol makes an appearance in the flick, with the help of Bill Hader.  Below is our movie Warhol of Famers who have admirably donned the leather jacket, sunglasses and white wig, including new member Hader

watch Guy Pearce + Jared Harris + David Bowie + Crispin Glover pop art

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

MiB3 is outta this world, in our world, this Friday, at  a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Dictator
Autocratic For The People
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 83 min

We’re Sacha Baron Cohen fan #1, or somewhere close to it.  (Along with Ricky Gervais,) we believe Sacha to be one of the funniest people alive.  If you’ve delved into Da Ali G Show, cackled endlessly via Borat, or squirmed thru Brüno, you have to agree.  If you don’t, you don’t know what funny is.  Truly, you don’t.  Those films and da-t TV show were masterpieces of the highest kind because they were mainly unscripted moments that oozed hilarity with almost too much ease

So what happens when SBC goes all scripted (with help from three Curb & Seinfeld writers + Larry Charles back on board as SBC’s director)?  Not nearly as genius (how could it be!!), but anything not nearly as genius as the most genius of genius is pretty f#%king good, no?  Yep, The Dictator is pretty f#%king good.  It’s scripted Borat by way of Gaddafi’s Wikipedia page

Do you want to know the story?  You don’t need to, but it’s like You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, but actually funny, cause this isn’t an Adam Sandler movie, it’s a Sacha Baron Cohen movie.  This is what the world needs more of, but can SBC keep it up?  We’d love to see him try, cause his tries make everyone else’s comedic tries look like stick on a crap.  It’s true, cause most comedies are awful and have something to do with Judd Apatow

The supporting trio of Anna Faris, Ben Kingsley and Jason Mantzoukas do some very solid work, playing mostly straight (wo)men to the Supreme Leader, but the supporting doesn’t end with them.  This flick’s overloaded with comic talent, so much so, that some of dem folks don’t even get anything funny to do.  Normal boring roles here aren’t played by normal boring actors, but by the likes of Chris Parnell, Chris Elliott, Fred Melamed, JB Smoove, and Nasim Pedrad, to name a few.  But at the end of the day, it’s all about SBC, as it should be

moral of the story – do you like Sacha Baron Cohen?  good, go see The Dictator.  it’s not like Scott Rudin produces comedies every day!!!

She’s No Leo: spank gawd for that!!

Dominique DiCaprio!!!

Verdictgo: very high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Dictator dictates laughter at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Joss Whedon Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon Joss Whedon

and now that that’s outta the way…

The Avengers
Mostly Justice League
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

Lord Whedon’s Avengers is 2/3rds snoozefest and 1/3rd awakefest.  Luckily the end is the awakefest, but unfortunately it takes 9999ever to get there.  The snoozefest snoozes and loses cause they finally put all these Marvel money making heroes into one place at one time, but then they stay in that one place (some stoopid floating aircraft carrier) for what seems like an eternity… of nothingness.   Literally, nothing happens, unless you count more bad acting by Samuel L Jackson in a blockbuster movie (he seems to do better with real drama than fanboy drama.  see Mace Windex for another bad example)

Then the bad guy (Thor’s gay adopted brother), who’s more lame than bad goes to NY and the Avengers unite even more and like battle like mad like everywhere in like New York.  There’s no drama or anything really at stake, but we do get to see the super hero equivalent of Rampage, and if you’ve played Rampage, you know there’s nothing to it but smashing things, and so while that’s kinda cool to watch, it doesn’t eggzactly make for a super memorable super hero movie.  But someone else is and makes a smash – Hulk!  Finally!  At least in a CGI sense, cause the Ang Lee Hulk was awesome, and if you don’t agree then go watch HBO’s Girls.  But seriouslies, Mark Ruffalo makes an eggsalad Bruce Banner, and his Hulk is f$%king awesome.  Looking more forward to a Ruffaloed Hulk flick than wees is to a 2nd Avengers

You sorta did it Whedon.  not really

Verdictgo: low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Cabin In The Woods
Pull The Strings
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

To talk plot points is to give away the fun, and sorta like The Avengers, the real real fun of the Lord Whedon written Cabin In The Woods only exists in the last third, which makes Whedon a wizard at third acts, but he needs to get his act together for the other two acts.  Even though The Avengers and Cabin have about as much in common as we and a vegetarian restaurant do, wees gotta say we enjoyeded Cabin more than we did The Avengers. The Avengers had to deliver the goods, and it kinda sorta doesn’t, and Cabin doesn’t need to deliver anything,  but it delivers nightmares that won’t give you nightmares, unless you fear unicorns.   What are we even talking about?  Dunno, but Kristen Connolly is wicked adorables!!!!

Verdictgo: high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Avengers and Cabin are growing Whedons at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

God Bless America
Falling Down Uncomforter
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Hating modern America is easy.  Putting that hate into scripted words that are read aloud in a movie, not so much.  It worked to dramatic perfection when Michael Douglas stood up while Falling Down, but what if it’s played for laughs, from the mind and hands of Bobcat Goldthwait?  Not a question many are asking, but the answer lies in his 5thish directorial feature, God Bless America

The good news?  America reunites Bobcat with his buddy (and brother of Bill) Joel Murray.  The two shared screen/scream memories in One Crazy Summer, Scrooged, Shakes The Clown (Bob’s first job behind the camera) and some TV movie called Encino Woman, which sounds like something we need to see NOW (not really)!!!  Other good news?  Joel Murray is employed and it’s Bobcat Goldthwait making it happen!  Wait, that’s the same news!  Yeah, but it’s still news!

The bad news?  No matter how cutting or on point Bobcat’s commentary on general American nasty me-ness is (by way of hating on reality TV, news talking heads, and pretty much anything you could think of, including Diablo Cody.  wait, did we write this script??!??!?!), it doesn’t cut very deep on screen, and it doesn’t help that the production values are valued at $5

But wait, there is good news, and it’s not related to Joel Murray being employed.  Joel Murray’s partner in crime-spree (think we forget to mention that Joel gets angry about stuff, and thinks his time on earth is limited, so he decides to go and kill people who he thinks don’t deserve to live, like every asshole on TV) is a teenage girl, and the girl who plays this girl is the most refreshing girl we’ve seen in a movie in a long time that isn’t a Fanning, and her name is Tara Lynne Barr.  She reeks of Anna Faris, but is young enuff to not have crazy strange lips like Anna Faris, which kinda makes her the new Anna Faris until Anna Faris gets her old lips back.  No, but seriously, Lynne Barr is gonna be a star.  We sure hope so.  She has the chops and she shows them in spades and clubs and diamonds and hearts in America, even if this movie doesn’t exactly get our full Blessing.  Sure, it certainly has its moments, but it doesn’t quite add up to anything momentumental.  Still, Lynne Barr is barr-none barrwesome!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

God Bless you (sorta) in limited release tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Dench & Denturesability
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 124 min

Do you love old British people AND India?  Well boy old boy, do we gotzz the movie for you!!!  It’s about old British people IN India!!!!!  The only thing more awesome than that is old Indian people IN Indiana!!!  Not really, and not really either for the movie about old British people IN India.  The old British people IN India movie is called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, and the only thing exotic in John Madden‘s screen take on some book not of the same name is… nothing

The old British people is be Judi Dench (being all Denchy), Bill Nighy (being mildly Nighyyy), Maggie Smith (she looks like walking death, even though she’s wheelchair bound in the flick), Tom Wilkinson (is he old?), Penelope Wilton (wait, that wasn’t Lynn Redgrave?  wait, Lynn Redgrave is dead????), Celia Imrie (she kinda skeeves us out) and some dude named Ronald Pickup (who seems kinda awesome!!!).  These old British people are wooed to the hotel in the title that’s run by Dev Patel, because he needs to co-star in some movie, right?  And guess what, the hotel is not as advertised!!  OH MY!, but wait…

AND GUESS WHAT, THESE GREAT BRITAINERSERS AINT IN GREAT BRITAIN NO MOOOO!!!!  THEY IN INDIA, SO IMAGINE THE FISH OUT OF WATERNESSNESS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN OLD BRITISH PEOPLE ARE IN INDIA!!!???  Don’t imagine too hard, cause the movie doesn’t imagine too hard neither.  It’s juss a 2 houred slow ride of old British people IN India, being British, IN India.  That about slums it up.   Zzzzzz???  Kinda, but in a sorta watchable way.  maybe?  DENCHY!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Marigold is kind of a medal below bronze, in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…