This Is The End
Smarmageddon
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 107 min

OMG, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson plays themselves, in a movie!!!!  And in this movie, the world is being destroyed, but these guys survive, and they act as… themselves!!  And they’re stuck at James Franco’s house, which means we’re stuck with them.  And they think they’re so funny, so we’re forced to listen to their think they’re so funny jokes, that aren’t really that funny.  OK, so any time Danny McBride opens his mouth, or even lifts his eyebrows, we smile and laugh, but all that gets overshadowed by how much we could care less about Jay Baruchel, or minus-one note Seth Rogen, who co-wrote/directed this thing, by expanding his and Jay’s 2007 short film/trailer into something so over-long and over-done you truly wish the movie theater you were sitting in would get destroyed too.  Ugh.  Snooze.  But if you think Seth Rogen’s the funniest man since the last funny man who wasn’t that funny was the funniest man, then by all means, go see this movie that makes ‘funny’ rape jokes about Emma Watson, or drinking your own pee!  OK, so Michael Cera playing a crazy version of Michael Cera was pretty funny, but he leaves the film too soon and yer juss left with Jay Baruchel being Jay Baruchel and no one wants to see that, cept for apparently Seth Rogen, and probably Jay Baruchel’s parents

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

This Is The End has no beginning or end in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Bling Ring
Time Theft
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 90 min

Sofia Coppola‘s ‘movie’ about The Bling Ring ringers goes a little something like this…

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repeat repeat repeat

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don’t even bother with this movie and juss read Nancy Jo Sales Vanity Fair article ‘The Suspects Wore Louboutins’, which the movie was based off of

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Bling Ring rings false in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Man of Steel
Bigville
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 143 min

Dude, Zack Snyder was 2/3rds on his way to making the bestest Zack Snyder movie ever, but then he turned his Superman movie into Rampage, and then mine eyes and brain were like, NOOOOO!!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  BUTTT still, 2/3rds amazing Zack Snyder movie is > most Zack Snyder movies!!!!  IT’S TRUE!!! Cause 300 was red sauce on würst pasta, no one saw that Owl movie, Sucker Punch sucked balls, and Watchmen, while technically and visually brilliant, has since left us with an empty impression.  But Snyder’s Superman (called Man of Steel) felt kinda fresh and exciting, even though we already know everything about Superman, and we’re still attached to the the idea of Christopher Reeve as the one AND only Superman

But…

Henry Cavill IS Superman.  He’s sexy, and he can furrow his brow, and we wanted to have sex with him on The Tudors, and we want to have sex with him now AND 9EVER!!  HE WIN ME!!!

Amy Adams is fine as Lois Lane, and certainly an upgrade over Kate Snoozeworth, but a deaf mute snail would have been an upgrade over Snoozyworth, so nothing shatteringearthy here.  Btw, Superman Returns was totally a good movie

Michael Shannon sure puts his own stamp of terence on General Zod, but how many times can Michael Shannon make a crazy face in a movie?  We worry about him!!  And he so scary that we never want to meet him in real life!

OMG OMG OMG Russell Crowe as El Guapo-El Papa Frita-Jor-El was the knees bees!!!!  Can he be our dad?  Can there be a prequel spinoff movie where he has a beard and does stuff on Krypton like bang his hot Israeli wife Ayelet Zurer til the Krypton cows come home??  The only thing he don’t got on Brando’s Jor is awesome white hair and the ability to mispronounce his planet as ‘Kryptin’

Kevin Costner & Diane Lane as Ma & Pa Kent were good enuff.  Nothing crazy, but mainly cause Smallville is the torch bearer for all young Clarkness stufffffs.  And WTF was up with Pa Kent saving that dog?  Look, I know people love dogs, but no dog is worth giving up yer own life for.  Spoiler alert – I just spoiled a refarted movie death for you, sorry

Laurence Fishburne is Perry White, EIC of the Daily Planet.  He has about as much to do in this movie as a stalk of Kent corn does

7-11, IHOP and Sears – they paid to be in this movie and they all get destroyed.  KINDA AWESOME!!!

The CGI – looked great, especially the shiz on Krypton, like that giant sun

But…

that last hour was juss TOOOOOOO much.  They could cut out about half of the destroying earth stuff, and the fighting in space things, and the Daily Planet intern being stuck in rubble whatevers.  Look, it’s cool to destroy a city and stuff, but the Rampageing didn’t do anything for me neither when it happened in The Avengers, and they only had a fraction of the destruction.  And seriouslyly, where does a sequel go from here?  How do you ‘top’ the toppling of Metropolis?  I’m sure Lex Luthor will pop up in Man of Steel II, but what he gonna do?  Threaten to destroy the city?  Been there, DONE WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT!

But…

There’s more to Snyder’s Superman than there is/was to Nolan (Man of Steel‘s writer/producer)’s Batman series.  It’s dark, but not TOO dark, but Snyder’s Supes is be more emotional and inspiring than watching Nolan’s Bruce Wayne wax and wane.  There’s no humor in either Superman or Batman, but who needs humor?  Those stupid Marvel movies have TOO MUCH HUMOR, and they is juss stoopid.  Enuff with winking at the camera, and just save the world, K?  Snyder and Nolan somehow get it, and for the most part, it’s really f#$king super, man!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Man of Steel soars currently at a theater near jews

oh, and major kudos to AMC who installed POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS in a local theater that I always thought was a dumphole.  hope they do this to all their theaters, cause it’s a game changer!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Frances Ha
Goody Allen
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 86 min

Bah Frances Ha!!  Stupid title, stupid poster.  What’s with that stupid name?  Or that image from the stupid poster?  Wrong questions

Right questions – How is this film so light and fun, footloose and fancy-free?  Why aren’t all movies in black & white?  Why are most Geta Gerwig performances in Geta Gerwigish flix so so so so awful (even if she’s nekkid in 98% of those films), but this Greta Gerwig performance in this Geta Gerwigish-ish flix is be absolute Greta Gerwigian perfection?  And how can I make that soundtrack the soundtrack of my life?

Oh Noah Baumbach.  Did you juss make yer bestest movie yet?  Perhaps, but it’s hard to say ‘ya’ that Frances Ha is better than yer Squid & The Whale (2nd best film of 2005!!), cause that’s crazy talk, but there’s certainly something about yer Ha les Frances.  Is it cause we know yer in love with Gerwig in real life and it shows in the movie, and in turn, we sorta love her now?  Or that you cast a girl (Sting’s daughter Mickey Sumner) who sorta looks like a female version of you to play her BFF, and making us wish we had a BFF like that?  Or how bout taking Adam Driver, cleaning him up a bit and basically making a B&W and better & way better mo mature version of Girls?  It’s all good stuff, from top to bottom (the snappy editing was snappy!!!) + good usage of a Streep daughter Grace Gummer (no, not Mamie) and that guy Michael Zegen, and this girl that makes us…

Loopy 4 Lupe:

Justine Lupe!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF MOS DEF MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Frances goes Ha currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

6 Fast 6 Furious
Resurrection Intersection Erection
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 130 min

Dude, name me a movie franchise (BESIDES THE JAMES BONDies) that’s still going pedal to the medal in its 6th round.  NAME ONE????  (OK, maybe Star Trek, but Star Trek had so many duds, and they changed the cast multiple times over).  You can’t name one (OK, maybe the original set of Planet of The Apes movies, which are ALL SO GOOD, even the bad ones), and that’s why The Fast & The Furious series may (end up) be(ing) America’s greatest (dumb fun) movie franchise ever (besides the Jackass and Step Up franchisesezes).  You may laugh at that notion, but not even Star Wars could make fun happen 6 times.  Now I’m not saying that all (or any) of the Fast & Furious movies is are masterpieces (two of em are basically worthless – #3 & #4), but for what they are – they are amazing.  They are pieces of (metal) crap, but the F&F movies know this and feed on it, pushing the ridiculousnessness to new extremes each & every time, while actually trying to keep a straight face when doing so.  The result?   Endless laughter and excitement and awesomeness.  You can keep your Whedon Avengers, cause I’ll stick with Justin Lin‘s 6 Fast 6 Furious.  I’ll take a tank exploding out of a truck(!!!) AND a car exploding out of a giant plane (!!!!!) over Superheros ho-hum/humdrummingly destroying CGI buildings (for the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn^th time).  + I’ll take all the crummy dialog that goes along with it

So what’s Fast 6 Furious 6 about?  Do you even care?  It’s like 5, but MORE and BETTER, and even more DUMB and FUN.  But this one’s got Michelle Rodriguez BACK FROM THE DEAD!  HOWWW????  WHO CARES, SHE’S BACK AND SO FAST, AND SO FURIOUS!!!  And they got a good baddie (Luke Evans), and another lady who can kick, and has an ass (Gina Carano), and a super huge Danish dude (Kim Kold) who needs to play The Rock‘s friend or nemesis in every movie he’s in going forward.  But 6ast 6urious isn’t perfect.  They coulda trimmed off about 30 minutes from this thing (like what was with that scene where The Rock and Ludacris make some guy give them the clothes off of his back and his watch and stuff??), and The Rock has a little-lot bit TOO much testosterone for a movie that isn’t short of terone des testos, and that Asian guy is so boring and lame, and undeserving of touching or even looking at Gal Gadot, who doesn’t have nearly enuff nekkid shower scenes (total count – zero), but this is all minor quibble squabbles, which aint nothings to squabble quibbles about when THERE ARE VEHICLES EXPLODING OUT OF OTHER VEHICLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In its 6th iteration, the Fast/Furious franchise seems to be hitting its stride.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!??!?  And after the giant TEASE [spoiler, don’t click] they be showing no signs of SLOWING down for #7.  CANNOT WAIT!!!!  In all honesty, I hope they continue to make these movies for the next 100 years.  If I make it to 90 years of age, I’ll force my grandchildren to take me to see 22 Fast 22 Furious, but only if they drive slowly

Also, Tyrese Gibson is the secret weapon of this whole franchise.  Without Tyrese Gibson, you have nothing.  Tyrese Gibson is life.  Tyrese Gibson needs his own vehicle vehicle movie franchise –  Tyrese Tyfurious.  If there is a god, he will make that happen

oh, and THIS!

Verdictgo: this is a 92728 star movie, but we don’t do stars so it’s BEYOND BREAST IN SHOW!!!

6 Fast 6 Furious rules the streets and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…