Thighs Wide Shut

Fading Gigolo
Fade To Blah
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Apparently actor John Turturro fancies himself a writer and a director.  More like fantasies, as in, YOU WISH PAL, cause if his Fading Gigolo is any proof of his writing and directing skills, his proof in his pudding has zero taste

I like the idea of Woody Allen playing a hapless rookie pimp, but that idea is basically wasted in the movie’s actuality, as he guides Turturro’s blah blank character in-between the legs of Sharon Stone and Sofía Vergara.  Sure, there’s some interesting stuff going on between Woody and Turt and a lonely Hasidic widow, played by Vanessa Paradis, but it’s about touch, and not at all touching

This movie is basically a failed attempt at being a movie, and this review is a failed attempt at reviewing a movie that doesn’t really even need to be reviewed, or seen.  It’s only for Woody Allen acting completists.  For everyone else, it’s a complete waste of time

Verdictgo: Very Very Very Very Very Little Merit and No Stinkin Badges

Gigolo is low hanging unsweet fruit, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Double
Double Unstandard
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

How do you like your Jesse Eisenberg – nebbish, dweeby and overly nervous (The Squid and The Whale), or cocky, bullish, and totally in charge (The Social Network)?  Why choose when you can have BOTH in Richard Ayoade‘s crazed second feature - The Double, based on Fyodor Dostoevsky‘s second novel of the same name, with a script co written by Harmony Korine’s brother Avi

We first meet the lesser Eisenberg - Simon James – a 1984ish worker drone, stuck in a rut.  Barely noticed or appreciated, he goes through life hoping for more – to climb the corporate ladder, and to climb into the heart of fellow co-worker and neighbor Mia Wasikowska.  Everything changes when a look-a-like, James Simon – also Eisenberg, starts work at his company, and fulfills his dreams… for himself.  The new brash Eisenberg does what the shy old Eisenberg can’t – he becomes the apple of the boss (Wallace Shawn)’s eye, and the orange of Wasikowska’s heart.  So much for dreams, as this is a total nightmare!!

A nightmare indeed, but Ayoade keeps the dark material as light as he can, and makes it as fun as he can too.  The same was true of his mostly brilliant debut Submarine, and with these two films in the bag, Ayoade has made himself a director to be watched, and to be greatly admired.  Submarine was very Rushmore-y, and I was curious if his follow-up would be more of the same, the way that every Wes Anderson movie is more of the same (but not in a good way).  The Double is not more of the same, it’s a leap from Submarine, in both style and substance, but equally mostly brilliant, and we can’t wait to see where his next leap takes us

Obviously Ayoade has fans on the inside too, as such killer actors as Sally Hawkins, Noah Taylor, James Fox, Paddy Considine, Cathy Moriarty, Craig Roberts, Rade Serbedzija and Yasmin Paige signed up for Double duty in the teeniest tiniest of roles.  Oh yeah, I forgot to include Chris O’Dowd on that list, but he’s not a killer actor.  He’s annoying and unfunny.  He’s like an Irish Seth Rogen

Anywho, Ayoade ALL THE DAYS!!!!!!

Verdictgo: basically Breast In Show

The Double is up, not down today in limited release AND on-demand!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Under The Skin
Alien Ant Smarm
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 108 min

And the biggest piece of cinema sh!t of 2014 is Jonathan Glazer‘s Under The Skin.  MORE LIKE BLUNDER THE SKIN!!!   MORE LIKE UNWATCHABLE GARBAGE PACKAGED AS A MOVIE OF NOTHING!!!

OK, so there are some things, like seeing Scarlett Johansson‘s glorious curves, MULTIPLE TIMES [NSFW], but that’s about 8 minutes of glory, and 100 minutes of bore-y.  If it was 108 minutes of Scarlett’s boobs, then it’s a masterpiece, but it’s not, and everything else we’re shown is a crapsterpiece of sh!t

So why is this movie such a bucket of turds, showered in urine?  Oh, cause I said so.  Take my word for it, and don’t see this.  Unless you want to see nothing, with annoying music, and about 70 minutes of watching ScarHo driving a van and picking up random dudes and then taking them to some like abandoned house or something, and then get nekkid, and then the men get nekkid too and as they walk toward her, they like drown in a black pool of nothingness (THIS MOVIE IS A BLACK POOL OF NOTHINGNESS) or something, and then she goes out and gets in that van and does the same stuff all over again with some other unlucky blokes about town.  IS YOUR MIND BLOWN YET?  More like THIS BLOWS!!!!!  Eventually the cycle of man-trapping/drowning stops, and then JohanLett like runs in the forest, and then a lumberjack tries to have his way with her, but she can no longer deal and then she like throws her human skin away, and reveals that’s she’s a blackpool of nothingness of a being.  And STUFF!!!!  Oh, and there’s a guy on a motorcycle who like helps her or something, and I don’t give a flying fcuk

Intrigued?  Don’t be.  The trailer was fcuking awesome.  Pretend the movie is the trailer, and then move on with your life

OK, ok, so I will admit that Scarlett is awesome in this movie.  Probably her best work of this century that didn’t involve Woody Allen or juss her voice as Her.  But juss cause she’s awesome, and shows her boobs, which is REALLY awesome, does not eggcuse the rest of the movie that’s literally about as enjoyable as getting an MRI

OK, ok, so there’s one more aspect to the film that I liked.  In the movie, one of her mantrap-ees is a dude with Neurofibromatosis. Their interaction is equally as tender, as it is frightening.  And after not so much research, very real.  The dude with the messed-up face is 111111%real, and his name is Adam Pearson.  Kudos for being real.  Boo-dos to all the rest, which makes Upstream Color seem about as straightforward as an Air Bud movie

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Skin is un-deep in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The LEGO® Movie
Slick Brick
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 100 min

I am no fan of cartoon movies aimed at kids these days.  Sure, I can sit thru some Pixar flicks here and there, but for the most part, I aint having these computer animated films.  Oh, your panda knows kung-fu??  Great, I don’t give a fcuk.  Oh, your dragon can be trained?  Wake me up after I’m done sleeping thru Game of Thrones too. These flixs are for your kids, not the kid in me

I’m a stickler for a bygone area – the hand-drawn toons that Disney built an empire on.  So if yer gonna get me to see one of yer new movies (not that they care), you’re gonna have to tap into that old fashioned style… or other things from my beloveded childhood. Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph is a perfect example of how to whet my current animation whistle.  Go all nostalgic, and break out the fun!  And here comes The LEGO Movie, which not only whets my whistle, it practically drowns it.  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

Dude, this LEGO movie is so so so fcuking awesome.  Even more awesome than the awesome song within it.  And it’s not juss awesome cause it’s a kids movie that works, it’s awesome, because it’s a real fcuking movie, and really really well done.  Heck, it’s the funniest Will Ferrell flick in half a decade!!  It appeals to anyone who has ever touched a LEGO, young or old, and I’d say to anyone who probably doesn’t know these bricks from brac  

LEGOs have certainly changed over the years. They used to be all smiles, and not much else, but today, they have teeth, and grit, and can be anything, like Batman or Lord of The Rings or any movie tie-in you can think of. Well, the people who wrote and directed this film, thought of everything and anything, and threw it all together in a non-stop rollercoaster of fun fun fun fun fun fun fun that I never wanted to stop.  WHY DID IT STOPPEDEDED!!!!!!!!!!  They assured that all them LEGO bases would be covered in movie one, if it ended up being juss a one and done flick, but the future is beyond bright for this franchise.  Maybe for the sequels, instead of incorporating all LEGO worlds, they could focus on one subject – like the space guys, or the forest-men.  Whatever, I don’t really care what they do, cause I’m gonna go see it.  I juss want them to never stop building!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

LEGO is still connecting in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Pretty Vacant 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

I read somewhere recently that ‘at this point in time you either love Wes Anderson movies or you don’t’.  I don’t believe it’s that black & white.  Personally, I love Wes Anderson, but I don’t really love Wes Anderson movies anymore.  After his career apexed with The Royal Tenenbaums, ever since, it’s been nothing but the same sh!t, with slight differences in the ‘plot’ – oh no, it’s love issues, but now it’s with daddy on a boat!  then brothers on a train!  and then there were them two misunderstood kids on an island!  and now it’s longing for the lost love of a hotel’s glory years!  

Wes’ Grand Budapest Hotel feels like his most ambitious film/diorama to date, but the only thing that’s grand is the design.  Grand sets!  Grand costumes!  Grand mustaches!  Grand use of the font Futura!  Don’t get we wrong, Budapest is fun, and mildly funny, and Ralph Fiennes‘ concierge M. Gustave H character may be Anderson’s most fun character since Royal Tenenbaum himself, but as a movie???  It’s not much of a movie.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the movie, cept there’s like 11% more F Murray Abraham!!  Come to think of it, I kinda like the F Murray Abraham bits the most, where he, as our other main character, is collecting dust in the current run-down state of the hotel, and reflecting back on the way it used to be  

I, like Wes, long for the past.  I kinda wanted to go visit that Kutsher’s place, to see what had become of the Borscht-belted Catskill ‘grand’ resort, but I think I missed my chance, as it’s scheduled for demolition.  For Wes, he did get to go back, and invented his own grand hotel with his pink and purple paintbrushes, but to what end?  Longing for something not worth longing for.  It’s a hotel that feels pretty vacant.  Who cares if it looks amazing?

Wes, it’s time to hit the reset button.  Try adapting someone else’s work (again, like you brilliantly did with Fantastic Mr Fox).  You could be an even better Baz Luhrmann than Baz Luhrmann, instead of a Wes Anderson imitator

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Budapest is pesty in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…