Thighs Wide Shut

Home Again
You CAN Go Home Again, Especially When Your Parents Give You The Blueprints
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 97 min

The shiny apple doesn’t fall from the rom-com tree as writer/director Hallie Meyers-Shyer follows in her parents’ footsteps and delivers Home Again – a saccharine sweet debut that will surprise no one, and delight everyone at the same time.  Would you expect anything less from the kin of Nancy Meyers (What Women Want, It’s Complicated, The Intern) and Charles Shyer (Baby Boom, Father of the Bride I and II)???  No, we didn’t, and neither should you.  The torch hasn’t been fully passed yet, but it’s good to know that mushily digestible romantic comedies may be safe for another generation with Hallie and her DNA

Look, Home Again is about as groundbreaking as the discovery that lint exists in your bellybutton, but juss cause everything about this movie is obvious and oblivious to the way the things work in the real world, doesn’t mean that you won’t sit there the entire time with a smile plastered on your face, and all the women you know will be happily watching it for years to come on cable TV airings

Look, I care zero for Reese Witherspoon, and her plight in this movie about just turning 40, being recently separated from (the always charming even when smarmy) Michael Sheen, raising two (too adorable) daughters AND trying to get an interior design career off the ground, but throw in a GILF (Candice Bergen) and three homeless, hunky, aspiring filmmakers (Nat Wolff, Jon Rudnitsky, Pico Alexander) looking for a home (guess where they find a temporary home?????), and you have the recipe for a winning chick flick where they will probably end up singinging doo-wop or Van Morrison songs into the handle of a broom whilst sweeping the floor.  OK, so I was surprised a little, cause THEY DIDN’T SING INTO THE HANDLE OF A BOOM!!!  OR EVEN A MOP!!!  True women’s lib!  LIBERATING (MOVIE) WOMEN FROM SINGING INTO THE HANDLES OF THINGS!!

If you don’t think this is a step forward, THEN STEP OFF!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Home Again aint at your home, but at a theater near jews and white nationalists tomorrow!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Trip To Spain
Spanish, Fly
Official Site | Trailer
Not Rated | 111 min

I never really thought about it, but Michael Winterbottom and Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon‘s Trip series of films is a bona fide franchise – and in fact the best one going.  The first Trip landed at #17 on our best of 2011 list (woah, what a GREAT year of film that was).  The second Trip, which took the boys To Italy, netted #2.5 on our best of 2014 list!  Where will there latest adventure land in 2017?  Too early to make such lists, but The Trip To Spain will reign in my heart and mind and soul not only this year, but for every year that I breathe  

I LOVE these guys.  I LOVE these movies.  They may not be breaking new ground on each trek (although this one had quite an ending), but they certainly can dish it out, and I will continuously scarf down whatever they’re serving!  

I really don’t have much more to say other then PLEASE keep making more(Roger Moore) Trip movies, forever and fivealways.  I’d love to see the boys set loose in North America, and if so, can we make it a table for 3???

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

embark on The Trip To Spain, currently in limited release 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Dunkirk
Three Directions, Singular Styles
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

I am all for Christopher Nolan, and yet sometimes I am not.  Sometimes he hits it right, like his prestigious and tricky Prestige (still my personal fav of his). Other times he gets a lil too deceptive and heady, like with Inception.  Sometimes there’s good Battiness, and sometimes bad.  The guy always tries to make stellar work, as seen mos recently with Interstellar, and yet, for some reason, I don’t always look forward to what’s coming up next from him

I love movies.  I love film.  I love 35mm film being projected.  I want 35mm film to survive, and yet when I hear about Nolan pushing to keep it alive, I am somehow turned off by it and him.  Maybe it’s cause he seems so cocky and self-important.  Or thinks he’s the second coming of Stanley Kubrick.  Or maybe it’s cause he has such great hair.  Damn, I wish I had such hair!

Well, after watching his latest, very unpretentious, and mos excellent Dunkirk, I’m ready to let bygones be gone!

YOU DID IT CHRISTOPHER!!!!  You left all the overthinking and overdoing in the present and made very good by going back into the past!!!

Cause in the past, you can’t have buildings fold, or people walking on the ceiling, or Tom Hardy talking like he has 12838383 muzzles on his mouth.  Oh wait, you can!!

Anywho – what a fcuking show!!!  You learn NOTHING about this WWII battle, where English soldiers are practicality marooned on a French beach, while Germans have their way with them, but that’s OK.  I’m sure the actual soldiers on the beach (look how Captainy Kenneth Branagh looks!), and in the sky (oh, that Jack Lowden is a looker!) and in the sea (Mark Rylance, better at acting AND sailing than wearing hats) also had no clue as to what was going on either!!  And how can you better sympathize with your on-screen heroes when you know about as much as they do!  WE KNOW NOTHING!!!!  CEPT HOW RAD THIS MOVIE WAS!!!  AND WHAT INCREDIBLE SOUNDS WE DONE HEARD!!!  (if the movie only wins ONE Oscar, let it be for the sound one that awards achievement in HEXplosions and plane noises)

Juss so darn lucky to not have to fight in a war like these people did

Juss wish we were as lucky as Harry Styles is!  He’s so handsome!!!!  So fcuking fine looking that the ocean starts to ejaculate all over the beach anytime he’s near.  LOOK AT ALL THAT SEA FOAM!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Dunkirk is far from DUMBkirk at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Luc’s Skywalking, And Everyone Else Is Sleepwalking
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 134 min

After seeing Luc Besson‘s super fun Lucy, I declared that I wanted him to ‘direct all my blockbuster blusters‘.  My wish was beyond granted in his Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, where imagination knows no bounds, and awe and awesome is around every corner!!!  

Sadly, others don’t seem to agree with my sediments, and the audiences have spurned it as well.  This wholly creative cinematic force will die a quick death in theaters, and with that, any hope of a sequel, or the chance of big studios taking other chances on chancy material that isn’t a known commodity.  Well that sucks!  Damn you people!!!  Didn’t you see The 5th Element?  Do you not want more of THAT same, but with a fcuking dope 21st century digital landscape that makes George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels look like Pong???

Do you not want to see a movie that has Rihanna doing this (AND MORE)???

Are these slick-a$$ robots not slick-a$$ enuff for ye???

Do you not want to take your favorite memories of Avatar, A.I., Mad Max, Mos Eisley, The Neverending Story, Moulin Rouge and Contact and have them rolled up into one stellar movie roller coaster that’s beyond well worth the ride?

OK, so they maybe could have found a better Valerian than Dane DeHaan, but he was fine.  And I’m not usually a fan of smelling-a-bad-fart-faced Cara Delevingne, but here, as Val’s girl Friday – Laureline, she’s a woman with more depth and rockitude than anything Wonder Woman womanized!  

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?  YOU DON’T WANT THIS, AND INSTEAD YOU WANT CRAP???  WELL, YOU WILL KEEP GETTING CRAP!!!!  Hollywood will continue to make the garbage that you so rightfully deserve

I believe, and sincerely hope that time will be kind to Besson’s Valerian.  Today’s box office ‘bomb’ will one day turn into a cult classic that we’ll be talking about well beyond the 28th century.  Beam me up, and boo on you haters!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Valerian  soars at a theater near jews and white nationalists (but hurry – shiz is gonna leave theaters ASAP!!)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Spider-Man: Homecoming
The Kid Stays In The Picture, And Then The Picture Strays From The Kid
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Somehow it took five Spider-Man movies to get us to this point – a sixth movie that FINALLY gets Peter Parker right.  Tobey Mags and Andrew Garf were fine and all, but they didn’t seem like a teen doing teeny things.  They were already too old to be properly naive and out of their depths.  Tom Holland makes for such a perfect PP that he will now forever be Peter Parker in my mind’s thigh.  YOU GO LIL TOM HOLLAND!!

They may not have gotten Aunt May right, but they definitely have gottzen Aunt May HOT!!!!  UM HELLO Marisa Tomei.  why aren’t you and your tight clothings in every movie???????

and while the high school stuff was super great (the very non-actory Jacob Batalon as Peter’s BFF felt refreshing), and Michael Keaton as Birdman/Condorman/Johnny A$$holely was a pretty good bad adversary (with a nice lil twist with him in da plot), there were some stuff that I didn’t care for whatsoever…

like the forcing of Zendaya and Donald Glover into this movie.  She serves no purpose in this movie (BUT MAYBE IN FUTURE ONES!!????), and Donald Glover was only in it cause he and the internet wanted him to be Spider-Man years back, and so you have to give him and the internet what they want, right???

And the real reason there’s more Spider-Man, even though we really don’t need more, is not only cause it’s easy $$$ to make, but really to drag poor Spidey into the web of the rest of the existing Marvel cinematic universe, and therefore render the kid into another cog of the already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too bloated Avengers posse

This Spider-Man movie excels when it focuses on Peter and Spidey, but gets muddled and repetitive once Robert Downey Jr‘s ironic Tony Stark and lame lackey Jon Favreau rear their ugly heads here there and everywhere in this picture  

By the time the smoke clears at the end of the movie, after yet another gigantic battle with too many explosions and public property destruction, you no longer feel like you’re watching a Spidey movie - just another brick in the Marvel wall.  Tear down that wall!!  These superhero movies are losing their super-ness.  Spidey Homecoming felt like a step in the right direction, only to arrive at a destination we’re sick of visiting

Cool end credits though!

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey senses tingle a bit at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…