Tag Archives: Sienna Miller

Hasbro Before Hos

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
The Pryce Is Right, Everything Else Mostly Wrong
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 110 min

pryce joe'

OMG OMG OMG, do you remember how much fun and awesome and dumb perfection and hotty hot hottness the first GI Joe movie was????  I DO!  I DO!!! It made The Transformer movies look more like a has-been trash-bin than the Hasbro heroes we grews up on. Well, they decided to make a sequel, and obviously they had nowhere to go but up, but apparently they decided to go down.  There were rumors that Wild Bill and Shipwreck & Tomax and Xamot(!!!!!!!) would get added to the respective good guy and bad guy crews, but they weren’t, and actually many of the cool characters from #1 were dumped.  They went ahead and filmed the movie, then delayed it by a year.  Apparently they wanted to convert it to 3-D (like anyone was really clamoring for that), and there were rumors that they wanted to un-kill off Channing Tatum’s Duke character.  Well, they still killed him, early in the film.  Yawn

So what’s the problem with the sequel, Retaliation??  I mean, Bruce Willis’ is in it!  Wait, he was in it?  I think he showed up for 10 seconds, smirked, took his check, and then checked out.   The dumb fun from #1 lost the ‘fun’ part of the equation on its way to becoming a #2.  There juss wasn’t much fun to be had, and moistly importantly, and sadly, hottness.  For some reason they dumped Sienna Miller‘s Baroness and Rachel Nichols‘s Scarlett.  That’s like making a sequel to Spring Breakers and replacing the four slutty hotties with four Joan Cusacks (nothing personal Joan).  UNACCEPTABLE!!!  How are Cobra gonna destroy the world and the Joes save it with less hottness???  I mean Adrianne Palicki as Lady Jaye is fine and all, but they didn’t even put her in pleather, or have her take a shower.  UNACCEPTABLE.  But there were ninjas, and briefcases, which kept things watchable, but when your most convincing and masterful performance is two Jonathan Pryces for the pryce of one, you know your GI Joe sequel isn’t as killer as you instinct. It kinda in-stinks.  But them briefcases!  And those ninjas!!!  Yes, those ninjas – Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow – need their own spin-off movie, and if they go that route, please have them ninja star the RZA to death within the first 2 minutes of the movie, and then have Scarlett and the Baroness shower together for the next 7 hours

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

GI Joe is a yo-no at a theater near jews 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

nichols sienna

nichols sienna2

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Silence of The Lambs To The Slaughter

Hitchcock
Nobody Toby Does It Better
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 98 min

Ever wonder how Psycho got made?  Read wikipedia.  But if you don’t know how to read, we guess you can settle on Sacha Gervasi‘s sorta making of tale, that has more to do with Hitchcock eating & drinking & cigar smoking & spurning his behind the scenes wife & collaborator Alma Reville (Helen Mirren) than it does about mastering suspense.  This movie has zero suspense and about zero mastery of anything, and Anthony Hopkins seems to be imitating Batman’s Penguin more than he’s trying to emulate Sir Alfred.  But it’s watchable.  You can watch Scarlett Johansson have Janet Leigh’s hair or Jessica Biel‘s teef stick out like Bugs Bunny as she tries to be Vera Miles.  The only truly interesting thing (besides the employment of Ralph Macchio!) was the devil on Hitch’s shoulder being none other than the film/book’s true psycho inspiration – Ed Gein (played by the one and only Michael Wincott!), leading we to believe that an Ed Gein biopic (a real one, not this BS) woulda been a better movie to make than a snoozy look at Ant Hopkins in 3893939 lbs of flabby make-up

BUT you can do better – you can watch HBO/BBC’s The Girl, which is more about Hitchcock tormenting Tippi Hedren than it is about Hitchcock & the making of The Birds, but it’s actually a movie movie, instead of a nothing nothing trying to be something + Toby Jones FCUKING KILLS IT as Sir Alfred, and it’s dirty and sexy + Sienna Miller gets dirty and sexy and she’s the breast.  Good for Toby!  He was the better Capote in the better Capote movie, but his Capote came wayyy after Capote 1 came out, so he got a raw deal, like not getting the Oscar that went to Phil Sey Hoffs (he was good, just not AS good as Tobes).  Well, this time, Toby’s Hitchcock joint got out the gate first, but since it’s an HBO movie and not a movie in a theater, he once again won’t get his due for doing right.  In all honestly, Hopkins’ Hitch flick belongs on TV and Toby’s belongs at a theater near jews.  GO TEAM TOBY!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hitchcock hitchshlocks inin limited release Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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