Thighs Wide Shut

The Woman In Black
Children of The Yawn
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 95 min

Daniel Radcliffe is a lawyer or something, and definitely not Harry Potter, cause he has a 3 o’clock shadow beard.  His wife is dead or something, and his son draws pictures of him with a frowny face cause he’s always going away to do work, but he has to work cause he has bills, and bills need to get paid.  His latest work brings him to some scared stiff English countryside spot that has only like one car and one phone and like lots of unhelpful British people.  That one car and one phone are owned by the greatest living actor, in our humboldt opinion, and the very reason why we had to see this movie.  That person is Ciarán Hinds, who’s like the Duncan Hinds of acting, but even more delicious.  Anywho, Hinds is the only person helpful to Harry Potter and he helps him get to some creepy house on an island or something, but there’s a marshy road that goes to the island, but sometimes the tide makes the marshy road disappear or something.  Anywho, at the house, Harry Potter has to go through papers to figure out something, or else he’ll be fired from his job, but he can’t get fired cause he has to support his son and pay bills and things.  Anyways, turns out the island house with the papers is haunted by a woman in black (guess they couldn’t call the movie A Black Woman), and if you see her, yer children somehow die or something.  So we learn children have died in the past and we see kids dying in the present, and we assume more children will die in the future.  And the thing of this movie thing is that Harry Potter’s kid is coming to visit in a few days, so stuff better get like fixed or something before the kid gets there or else he will probably die or something.  GRYFFINDOR!!!

moral of the story – there are a few good BOO moments, but the rest is juss boo, which seems kinda wrong considering we don’t have to hear Harry Potter talk all that much, and Ciarán Hinds is in it, and so is Janet McTeer, for whatever that’s worth, but it’s no worse than that Katie Holmes-Guillermo del Bore-o flick

Tim McMullan:’s face is awesome

Verdictgo: Not So Meritiis AND No Stinkin Badges

Black is currently lacking in color at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Iron Lady
Fear & Loathing at 10 Downey Streep
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 105 min

What the f$%k is this Phyllida Lloyd (she directed Crappa Mia!) and Abi Morgan (wait, she wrote Shame???) Margaret Thatcher ‘biopic’ all about???  You learn next to zero about the woman and her accomplishments (well, besides that she was a woman who did the impossible by becoming a female Prime Minister and then became a rather bossy lady and then people grew tired of her bossy lady finger waving ways, and then…), and what we do learn is that the retired PM apparently spends her todays in lost delusional thoughts and talks to her deceased husband, who might be crazier than this movie.  If we were Margaret Thatcher and saw this Oliver Stone boneheaded treatment of our past and present, we’d say FALK(land islands) YOU!!!  Seriously, what’s the f$%k did we juss watch?  This is a big ole BM about the first lady PM

Crying fracking shame, cause Meryl Streep hands in another one of them beyond magnificent performances that muss be seen to be beloved (and is miles away butterer than anything these ladies done tried), and it’s udderly wasted (along with the supporting work of Jim Broadbent, Olivia Colman, and Alexandra Roach, who’s equally as brilliant as Streep is, playing the younger Margaret) amongst a mess of ideas and conjecture and canted angles.  Sure, give America’s iron(weed) lady an Oscar, and another to the hair and makeup department (AMMMMAZING!!!!), and throw the rest in the rubbish bin, or the looney bin, where the filmmakers apparently believe Mrs Thatcher belongs, but it’s where them filmmakers belong.  We don’t know how to make movies, but had we made this one, we woulda taken a much more straight-forward approach, like those solid Michael Sheen as Tony Blair thingies, cause learning about someone is usually more interesting than making up crap and displaying it in a ‘creative’ way

moral of the story – The movie feels like Nixon + Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas + Harvey MINUS everything good about any of those movies.  there you go, or don’t. NO NO NO!  They should have never made that Julia Childs movie and this one, and instead juss made a movie where Streep does imitations for 9 hours

Spitting Image Headache: oh yeah, The Iron Lady also feels like watching that eyesore Genesis video for ‘Land of Confusion’ with those f$%king scary-a$$ Spitting Image puppets

Verdictgo: Streep saves from total eye slitting, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

this Lady is Iron clud in NY/LA only, and elsewhere elsesoon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

We Bought A Zoo
THEY DID IT!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 124 min

The above gif says a thousand speechless words of what We Bought A Zoo was all about. Interpret it however you like

Verdictgo: a super fromagey Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Zoo is currently Bought and sold at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

War Horse
More Like Bore Horse
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 146 min

Apparently there’s this beloved book turned into a hit play about a boy and his horse a horse and his boy, who loved one another like no horse and no boy could have ever loved one another, BUT THEY DID IT (not actually did it, but you know what we mean).  Apparently there love was so great that Steven Spielberg needed to make a movie out of it.  If you see one Spielberg movie this winter, do not make it War Horse, unless you love horses more than people, and if you do, please never come to this dot org ever again

OK, so it was kinda cool to see how horses’ role in warfare came to an abrupt end in WWI, due to trenches and tanks, but it wasn’t all that cool to watch a horse change hands from a poor English family (newbie boy Jeremy Irvine + parents Emily Watson and Peter Mullan), to a super fruity English army officer who knows how to draw (Tom Hiddleston), then to the kid from The Reader (David Kross), then to the old dude from The Prophet (Niels Arestrup), and then into no man’s land, before the eventual (no real sirprize here, but a spoiler lessthenone) reunion with the boy.  Yep, that’s the story, and yep, our main character is a horse.  Yep, the horse hands in the best horse performance of the year, but wouldn’t you rather watch Tintin run around the world in search of treasure instead of a boy searching for a horse?

The movie is well made, but it’s juss not all that compelling, and never registers on an emotional level that it is desperately trying to reach for (the script is ultra-fromage-y).  The most we got out of it was being happy for peeps like David Thewlis, Benedict Cumberbatch, Toby Kebbell, Eddie Marsan and Liam Cunningham who finally got to be in a Spielberg movie.  Is that some sort of an accomplishment?  Not really, but all of their performances (+ Celine Buckens &  Robert Emms) are commendable in a not so commendable flick

moral of the story – said it before – bore Horse.  nuff said again

No More Horsing Around: horses were still hactually used in WWII, mainly on the Eastern Front, even by the Poles, who couldn’t get their screen door submarines into action quick enuff to halt the Nazis

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

War Horse trots into a theater near jews on Xmas day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Frigid War ‘Thriller’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 127 min

If you were a casting director and said to we, hey, you, if you could pick yer British acting (male) dream team, who’d be on it?  Well, we’d be like, hey, we’ll take Gary Oldman, Ciarán Hinds, Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Stephen Graham, Simon McBurney and throw in Colin Firth, Toby Jones and John Hurt for really good measure (sorry Mark Strong, but yer kinda in too many movies and are kinda annoying in a majority of them).  And then if an art director was like, hey, you, what modern movies that take place in the 70s should we copy for look and style?  Well, we’d be like, hey, totally rip off the look & stylings of Zodiac, Munich and Carlos.  Oh, you mean 3 of the bestest movies of the past ten years, right?  Yes, we do mean those blam-mazing movies that everyone needs to see like 992929 times (even if we haven’t seen em that many times).  Woaaaaaah, a cast like that AND a look & style like thems, could a movie like that be humanly or even robotically possible?  IT IS!!!  It’s Tomas Alfredson‘s (he made the lesser, original Let The Right One In) version of John le Carré‘s Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy!!!!!

OMG, THIS HAS GOT TO BE LIKE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER, RIGHT?  WRONG!!!!!  It’s got the cast, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME (esp Oldman as Bill Nighy, and Benedict Cumberbatch, who’d blow minds even if he were playing a mute invisible person!!!), and the look, AND IT’S FORKING DULLTASTIC 70s GORGEOUSITY (apparently yellows & browns = the 70s), but what this movie doesn’t have is much to keep you from the beating drums of dull.  BUT HOW COULD IT BE???  Dunno, but this cold war thriller is juss too dang icy to ever warm up to.  NO WAY!!! Yes way.  Sure, it’s nice to see a spy movie that doesn’t need to resort to endless vroomy car chases and big-o bang-o explosions, but guess what, THIS MOVIE REALLY FRICKIN NEEDED SOME CAR CHASES AND EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!  It’s true.  Believe you we, the plot is not all that thick, even though it makes you think it is, and when the denouement show’s its face, it’s more like denoue-meh

moral of the story:  this ‘spy’ movie needs further TAILORING and TINKERING and SOLDIERING!!!!  shiz needed to be defrosted and did not need Tom Hardy with a crappy wig that made him look like Andy Lameberg with a crappy wig.  great actors acting great in a great looking movie does not equal a great movie.  We really want to see if the old Obi-Wan Kenobi TV version is any less tundra-y.  HOPEFULLY IT HAS LIGHTSABERS AND A DUDE WITH A BUTT FOR A MOUTH!!!

Fairbank-Weather Fan: we’ll pass on Svetlana and get svelt-hotta all over cutie Amanda Fairbank-Hynes!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tinker aint eggzactly Tailor made this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…