wait, they making a Bates Motel TV show with Bud Cort, Lori Petty and Jason Bateman????
oh wait, they already did and it was totes bad idea jeans, and beyond totes bad reality jeans too!!!
but wait, they’re doing a Bates Motel TV show again? yeah, but the premise isn’t stoopid or involve Bud Cort or Lori Petty (no disrespect). it’s about young fidgety Norman Bates and his domineering hot mother moving to a new town and owning a… MOTEL!!!!!!!!!!
wait, isn’t that what Psycho IV with Henry Thomas is was????
kinda, but that movie was made for cable and co-starred female Bill Cosby, so you know it mostly kinda sucks
look, we love Psycho. it’s in a five-way tie for 2nd greatest film ever (along with Kane, Clockwork, Zodiac and Trainspotting… It’s A Wonderful Life is #1). we’ve seen all 4 Psycho movies (#2 is actually pretty good!). we even stayed awake during that dreck where Tony Hopkins was Batman’s Penguin cause it sorta had something to do with Psycho. we ever read a book about Janet Leigh’s shower body double. we’d even read a book about the actual shower, if one was written
Psycho is much bigger than one movie or even 4 of them and a failed TV show and a zillion other things. Psycho‘s a boogeyman we never want to let go of. we keep going back to the Bates home and that motel and try to figure out why? and how? Why Norman? and how did you get this way? and why? and how???
well, we’ve seen the pilot episode of A&E’s new series – Bates Motel, and we never want to check out. yep, this show gets it (right). and it’s not cheesy, and there’s no Bud Cort or female Bill Cosby. maybe the best thing to happen to the franchise was for Anthony Perkins to pass away. Old Norman Bates has no legs. But young Norman Bates???? Yes, that’s what we want to see. Doing stuff with and to his mom, in that house, with that motel at the bottom of it. But wait, doesn’t this TV show take place in modern times?????? EEEEEEKKK, it does. But guess what – we quickly got over it, so, so can you, so! why? cause this show’s killer and we hope it remains so. plus Freddie Highmore as young Bates is like Vanessa Hudgens in Spring Breakers = throw away your childish old movie garbage ideas about him and strap on some adult stuff that’s edgy and awesome!!!!! Oh, and Vera Farmiga as Mama Bates is perfect, cause her eyes have always creeped us out, and now she’s playing a creepy mother of the creepiest character of (PERHAPS) all time
dude, book a room, NOW
+ this girl has mad potential hotness. hopefully she bones Norman with that thing still in her nose!!
Ever wonder how Psycho got made? Read wikipedia. But if you don’t know how to read, we guess you can settle on Sacha Gervasi‘s sorta making of tale, that has more to do with Hitchcock eating & drinking & cigar smoking & spurning his behind the scenes wife & collaborator Alma Reville (Helen Mirren) than it does about mastering suspense. This movie has zero suspense and about zero mastery of anything, and Anthony Hopkins seems to be imitating Batman’s Penguin more than he’s trying to emulate Sir Alfred. But it’s watchable. You can watch Scarlett Johansson have Janet Leigh’s hair or Jessica Biel‘s teef stick out like Bugs Bunny as she tries to be Vera Miles. The only truly interesting thing (besides the employment of Ralph Macchio!) was the devil on Hitch’s shoulder being none other than the film/book’s true psycho inspiration - Ed Gein (played by the one and only Michael Wincott!), leading we to believe that an Ed Gein biopic (a real one, not this BS) woulda been a better movie to make than a snoozy look at Ant Hopkins in 3893939 lbs of flabby make-up
BUT you can do better – you can watch HBO/BBC’s The Girl, which is more about Hitchcock tormenting Tippi Hedren than it is about Hitchcock & the making of The Birds, but it’s actually a movie movie, instead of a nothing nothing trying to be something + Toby Jones FCUKING KILLS IT as Sir Alfred, and it’s dirty and sexy + Sienna Miller gets dirty and sexy and she’s the breast. Good for Toby! He was the better Capote in the better Capote movie, but his Capote came wayyy after Capote 1 came out, so he got a raw deal, like not getting the Oscar that went to Phil Sey Hoffs (he was good, just not AS good as Tobes). Well, this time, Toby’s Hitchcock joint got out the gate first, but since it’s an HBO movie and not a movie in a theater, he once again won’t get his due for doing right. In all honestly, Hopkins’ Hitch flick belongs on TV and Toby’s belongs at a theater near jews. GO TEAM TOBY!!!!!!!!!
Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges
Hitchcock hitchshlocks inin limited release Friday
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…