Thighs Wide Shut

Hitchcock
Nobody Toby Does It Better
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 98 min

Ever wonder how Psycho got made?  Read wikipedia.  But if you don’t know how to read, we guess you can settle on Sacha Gervasi‘s sorta making of tale, that has more to do with Hitchcock eating & drinking & cigar smoking & spurning his behind the scenes wife & collaborator Alma Reville (Helen Mirren) than it does about mastering suspense.  This movie has zero suspense and about zero mastery of anything, and Anthony Hopkins seems to be imitating Batman’s Penguin more than he’s trying to emulate Sir Alfred.  But it’s watchable.  You can watch Scarlett Johansson have Janet Leigh’s hair or Jessica Biel‘s teef stick out like Bugs Bunny as she tries to be Vera Miles.  The only truly interesting thing (besides the employment of Ralph Macchio!) was the devil on Hitch’s shoulder being none other than the film/book’s true psycho inspiration - Ed Gein (played by the one and only Michael Wincott!), leading we to believe that an Ed Gein biopic (a real one, not this BS) woulda been a better movie to make than a snoozy look at Ant Hopkins in 3893939 lbs of flabby make-up

BUT you can do better – you can watch HBO/BBC’s The Girl, which is more about Hitchcock tormenting Tippi Hedren than it is about Hitchcock & the making of The Birds, but it’s actually a movie movie, instead of a nothing nothing trying to be something + Toby Jones FCUKING KILLS IT as Sir Alfred, and it’s dirty and sexy + Sienna Miller gets dirty and sexy and she’s the breast.  Good for Toby!  He was the better Capote in the better Capote movie, but his Capote came wayyy after Capote 1 came out, so he got a raw deal, like not getting the Oscar that went to Phil Sey Hoffs (he was good, just not AS good as Tobes).  Well, this time, Toby’s Hitchcock joint got out the gate first, but since it’s an HBO movie and not a movie in a theater, he once again won’t get his due for doing right.  In all honestly, Hopkins’ Hitch flick belongs on TV and Toby’s belongs at a theater near jews.  GO TEAM TOBY!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hitchcock hitchshlocks inin limited release Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Total Recall
Pissing On Paul Verhoeven’s Non-Existent Grave
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

Not awful, but pure blasphemy.  3 tits, ‘2 weeks’, & 1 giant waste of everything.  Jessica Biel’s annoying face needs to be recalled, same with Bryan Cranston’s wig, same with that scowl Kate Bake-sale oversells every 8 seconds.  Colin Farrell was actually pretty good & the production design was kinda OK, but who cares when there’s a Total Recall that already exists and is THE FCUKING SH!T!!!!!!!!  Consider this a divorce from mine eyes and any remakes going forward (superhero start-overs don’t count)

Recall Recall: I-Mockery’s Ten Best Things About [the original] Total Recall, with rawesome gifs

Verdictgo: if it was called something else, like Dark Bushy Eyebrows In Space, it wouldn’t be as lame as it is, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Total Recall is a total waste of your time at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…