Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Prequel Post-Cool
Official Site| Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 134 min

The best thing to ever happen to movies is George Lucas creating Star Wars

The best thing to ever happen to Star Wars is Disney becoming its keeper

Two Disney movies in and the franchise is beyond on the right path back to where it needs to be… and galaxies away from the wrong turns Lucas took with his prequels

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is the prequel the fans have needed and wanted all along.  It’s no stretch to say that it’s better than Episode I thru III combined, times a zillion.  It may be rogue to say so, but I believe Rogue One is a better Star Wars movie than Force Awakens is.  It’s true!  Cause I juss said it!

So why does Rogue One work as a Star Wars movie (more so than the prequels AND Episode VII)?

• Rogue One tries to fit into the Star Wars world, without having to be too bound (and gagged) by it.  There’s no text crawl, no John Williams score, and gasp – there are actual lower-third titles telling us the locations of where we are.  For Star Wars movies to evolve – they need to break from the past, but also celebrate them.  Rogue hits the balance perfectly, and is an excellent kick off right into Episode IV

• There’s not that much Jedi stuff.  Look, we know Star Wars is what it is cause of Skywalkers, and lightsabers and hokey religion things, but after those forced-forcey prequels, and the new Rey & Kylo stuff, we needed a break from it all.  Rogue keeps the Jedi stuff to a minimum, and truly puts the ‘star’s and ‘wars’ back in Star Wars!

• People die – LOTS of them – and we’re not just talking about bad guys.  Gritty is good.  Episode IV was gritty.  Things should try to be more like Episode IV.  Episode VII was cutesy – almost TOO cutesy.  Here’s hoping Episode VIII is grittier!

• It’s OK for Star Wars to be less white.  I know, it seems like overkill trying to OVERLY make your cast a United Colors of Benetton ad, but if your actors are good, then the acting is going to be too.  All the actors cast in the film were great.  EVERYONE (well, I didn’t really like this lady and her role, but it’s probably not her fault cause she didn’t write her own dialog).  Sure, there wasn’t too much time to give the characters actual character, but Ben Mendelsohn, Diego Luna, Mads Mikkelsen, Felicity Jones, Donnie Yen, Riz Ahmed, Jiang Wen, and Forest Whitaker gave it their all, and in turn, I’m all for them!

• Plus, Diego Luna is super hot

• Plus, Ben Mendelsohn is such a good screen a$$hole

• Plus, Mads Mikkelsen is the fcuking best ever!!! (ok, maybe 2nd best ever – juss a tick behind the greatest living actor – Ciarán Hinds)

• Alan Tudyk‘s droid K-2SO is more like A+2SO!!

• Admiral Ackbar Raddus!

• The Death Star never looked better – or more menacing!

• Plain and simple – Rogue One looks AND feels like Star Wars – not some shiny bullsh!t imitation version of it

• Simple and plain – Rogue One was a lot of fcuking fun!

• The nods to the fans & cameos were good, even if most of them were unnecessary, but hey, us fans love being nodded at!  BLUE MILK!

• three words – stormtroopers in paradise!

wait, was there ANYTHING I didn’t like?

yeah – these rebel solider helmets, which don’t look very Star Warsy to me.  but that’s juss me.  maybe you disagree and think this movie was juss ok, or sucked, but maybe you’re juss ok, or suck!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Rogue One for all at a theater near jews and white nationalists

Next stand alone Star Wars story I want to see get made???

BOSSK TO THE FUTURE!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Doctor Strange
Mind Over Marvel
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

Prior to seeing this movie – this is what I knew about the comic book character Doctor Strange… nothing!  Well, I knew what he looked like, and figured he was guy who had a doctorate in something, but I didn’t even know if he was a good guy or a bad guy or even if he was a Marvel or a DC character.  Well, after watching his origin story – I now know who Doctor Strange is, and what he’s all about, and how I want nothing more than 894391293193 more Doctor Strange movies starring Benedict Cumberbatch.  BENEFCUKINGDICT CUMBERSNATCH!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT!!!

But, I only want to see Benedict Cumberbatch do his Strange things – solo, and not alongside the Hulk or Spidey or Captain America or Iron Man or Ironweed or Scarlet Fever or Hawkeye Pierce or Trapper John MD.  While I like SOME Marvel movies, I’m sick and tired of the crossovers and seeing the same dudes over and over and over and under and over, and not doing anything really new, or interesting, or newly interesting.  This Doctor Strange movie felt different from the rest of those Marvel movies, from tone (it was like a real movie!), and to universe (more mystical, less comic-al).  What goes on feels miles away from all that Avengers jazz, which to me, is juss a bunch of loud noises.  While the Avengers dudes destroy buildings, the Doctor Strange folks bend and fold buildings!!!

I’ll take bending/folding buildings over destroying them 9999999999999 out of 9999999999999 times

This movie was cooler and made more sense than the other building bending/folding movie – Inception.  EAT THAT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN!!!!

So, what more do you need to know besides Cumberbendi and bendi-buildings?  Mads Mikkelsen is the sh!t?  If you didn’t know that already, you SADS Mikkelsen!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Doctor Strange plays at a normal theater near you

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

TV is the new Jesus.  In 2013, it was totally TVeesus!!!!  here’s our picks for bestestestiest TVeesus shows done shown (that we done watched)

1. Drunk History (Comedy Central)

I want to be 12 years a slave to this TV show, which combines my two greatest loves that aren’t food or the Nationals or my soon to be wife – comedy and history (not so much a fan of drunkards, but happy to make the exception here!).  And the actors all deserve 8312888 emmys for their sync work with the blottoed narrators!

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2. Maron (IFC)

 

MARON!!!! it’s like Louie, but kinda sorta less depressing!!!

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3. Under The Dome (CBS)

Feels like the 90s all over again, with TV dishing out quality Stephen King mini-series mini-scares week after week.  Dome is the best since It, even if it is nowhere as awesome as It

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4. Shameless (Showtime)

TV’s most audaciously outrageously slimy AND fun show… that no one loves, talks or cares about it.  shamemore on you!

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5. Bates Motel (A&E)

somewhere Alfred Hitchcock is NOT turning over in his grave, as this is sacrilege finally done right!   

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6. Vice (HBO)

it’s kinda what 60 Minutes needs to be more like, cept the show could do without the hipster correspondents.  still – each story is VITAL, and none was more compelling than when they sent Dennis Rodman to North Korea

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7. Hannibal (NBC)

I’m mads mads for Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal.  Anthony Hopkins who?

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8. Arrested Development (Netflix)

Full Mental Tobias.  Terry Crews out-of control.  The intertwining episodes took much much thought and planning, and it all paid off, in spades and our hearts.  Just wish I didn’t have to watch it on a computer

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9. Princesses Long Island (Bravo)

 

if Jews truly controlled the media, would they ever let this show air?  it sets back Judaism 5774 years, and somehow I couldn’t turn away from it

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10. The Big C: Hereafter (Showtime)

a very sweet hereafter

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11. The Client List (Lifetime)

where you can wear your cake AND eat it too.  Can’t believe they axed a show where off screen hand jobs totally did their job

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12. Joe Rogan Questions Everything (Syfy)

it’s like a ghetto Unsolved Mysteries, with Joe Rogan talking loud and making amazing wide-eyed faces.  FEAR THE ROBOTS!!!

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other solid forms of entertainments: Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel (5 real!), Eastbound & Down (not the greatest of swan songs, but live for Stevie Janowski), Masters of Sex (a bit behind on this one, but smart and sexy + Beau Bridges = WE’RE ALL IN!!), Breaking Bad (glad it’s over, so the tweets ended too), Newsroom (we chewed on Grace Gummer), Mad Men (the acting or the scripts are SO bad, but can decide on which), An Idiot Abroad 3 (anything with Warwick Davis is appointment watching), Elementary (Natalie Dormer!!!!  but not naked, booooooo!!!), Portlandia (manic, but sharp), Homeland (F MURRAY ABRAHAM AND MANDY BEARD IT OUT!!!), The Office (Michael Scott returned and we cried), Boardwalk Empire (miss you already Richard Harrow), Enlightened (the lovable losers lost), Veep (veep on veeping on), The Americans (we love all things Russian), Dallas (no more JR, and somehow it still works), Undercover Boss (how does the employees NOT know they’re on the show???), Burning Love (THE MALE CAST OF SEASON 3, OMG!!!), Ray Donovan (awful accents, but helLA fun), Modern Family (best standard comedy going),  The Carrie Diaries (love high school shows, but there’s TOO much sex talk for a high school show on this high school show), House of Cards (so Fincher moody!), Dexter (even if they should have ended it a season ago), Girls (I watch it for the boys), SNL (Cecily weak) & American Horror Story (almost TOO batshit crazy to watch) 

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+ bone-yes moments

everything in front of Behind The Candelabra, but mostly Rob Lowe’s face

- Limitless Paper In A Paperless World

– Colbert gets unlucky

– Poopeye

– The Yummy Awards

– Saved By The Belding

– I’ll Take The Mother of My Children For $400 Alex

– Lazy Eye

– CBS and Time Warner Cable hate their customers.  thanks for NOTHING a$$holes

– wait, there was a Dirty Dancing TV show??

– how fcuking good the casting and music video recreations were in Crazy Sexy Cool: The TLC Story

– one of the greatest commercials of all time(/my childhood)

– stop pretending that the VMAs matter

– Sharknado, not that awful, even though it’s awful

– Topanga The Mok!!!!!!!!!!!

– Third Reichers Island

+

– NAKED GRANDMA!!!!!

 

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fair thee well to those who have passed on, leaving a lumpy in our throat…

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the boat from The Love Boat

 

perv-iously

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’11
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’07

The Hunt
Feely Touching
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 115 min

First, let me get this out of the way - Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen! Mads Mikkelsen!

Yep, we’re mad for Mads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why?  Cause Mads Mikkelsen is the greatest Danish actor of his generation (sorry Viggo Mortensen), and maybe ever (I can’t name any more Danish actors).  Danish people have known this for awhile, and now the rest of the world is madly falling for Mads.  He caught most of our eyes with bleeding eyes in Casino Royale with cheese, and sold me even more when his Igor got Coco-ed, and cemented my heart fo life when he did the impossible and made Hannibal Lecter his own on TV’s Hannibal.  There is nothing Mads cannot do, besides maybe play someone who isn’t awesome, cause it’s impossible for someone so awesome to play someome so unawesome

In Thomas Vinterberg‘s The Hunt, Mads is someone who is awesome, and everyone knows it, but then something supposedly happens and then everyone in his small town doesn’t think he’s so awesome, but they’re wrong, cause that thing that supposedly happened didn’t and Mads is innocent and awesome until proven otherwise.  So what is this thing that happens?  Mads is an elementary school teacher who loves his students.  One of them, Klara (Annika Wedderkopp), a daughter of a dear friend, takes a real liking to him.  One day she gives her teacher a little kiss and teacher Mads explains that that’s not what little girls should do, so the little girl is quite upset by this rejection by her teacher (who wouldn’t be – this is MADS we’re talking about) and in the midst of her mad/sadness tells the principal that Mads is a bad man and then the principal starts thinking bad thoughts of a male teacher and his female student and one thing leads to another and now the town’s in mass Mads hysteria and starts accusing poor Mads of doing even more bads .  WHY DO YOU DO THIS DANISH TOWNSPEOPLE????  THIS IS MADS!!!  HE WOULD ONLY HURT OR TOUCH PEOPLE THAT DESERVE TO BE HURT OR TOUCHED!!!  LIKE JAMES BOND!!!!

Where does it go from here?  More bads for Mads.  But what if Mads get cleared of his bads, will he ever truly be in the clear, or be forever hunted?  Pray for the prey, and see Mads hand in one of the year’s best performances. DO IT AND GO MADS!!!

MADSSSSSSSSSSSS-NESSS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

This Hunt is on in NY/LA tomorrow and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky
The Rites & Wrongs of Spring
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

After watching the so-so Coco Before Chanel, which was filled with nuttin but horse riding and flirting and horse flirting, we were direly curious to find out what actually happened to Coco during Chanel. You know, the period in her life were she designed clothes and became and icon and stuff and things. Director Jan Kounen and writer Chris Greenhalgh‘s Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky is definitely an answer to what we were looking for, maybe not eggzactly THE answer, and so this is what happened during Chanel:

Coco Chanel, as you know, was a designer. Igor Stravinsky, as you may also know, was a composer. One day they cross paths, years pass, then they cross again, and another day after that Igor and his Russian wife and kids move into Coco’s country estate so he can work in peace and then some mo days pass and then one day Igor starts banging Coco and some other day after that Igor’s wife catches wind of it, but there’s not much she can do about it, cause she’s sick (and apparently has no eyebrows), so more lustful days pass and then wifey can’t stands it no mo and stuff and things, and then eventually, mo STUFF and THINGS! Somewhere in there, Chanel #5 is born, and the whole time, Igor has a killer mustache

True to its characters and their tumultuous relationship, the film is both cold and remote, which at times can be disengaging to the viewer. And yet, the film lingers on in our minds, weeks after seeing it. Maybe it’s cause Anna Mouglalis as Coco oozes major league attitude and sexiness, herspecially when compared to what Audrey Tautou did in her shoes. And dear ole Mads Mikkelsen, who’s usually resigned to playing badass bastards, is juss a quiet bastard here. We/I mean, who cheats on a sick wife with no eyebrows (played with much pity & sorrow by Yelena Morozova)??? But he looks so good in a mustache, even though he also looks kinda strange with a mustache, and so we kinda root for him and his mustache

But still, CC & IS left us wanting more of the Coco story. Does this mean we have to wait for Coco after Chanel for the complete picture that we seek?

Mon Chéri Poppin: Anna Mouglalis has eyes that can melt mens thighs

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Coco & Igor make mostly purty music together in NY & LA only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…