Thighs Wide Shut

The Light Between Oceans
The Shore Thing
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

The summer bummers of moviedom is officially over, and the season of actual good movies is upon us, and what a way to kick the season off with Derek Cianfrance‘s The Light Between Oceans!

WWI is over and shell-shocked survivor Michael Fassbender is looking for steady work.  He looks no further when he becomes a lighthouse keeper off the coast of Australia.  He enjoys the quiet solitary job and life, but things aint so quiet or solitary no more when a lovely lady of the shore - Alicia Vikander – anchors away on his heart!  She literally wants to marry a lighthouse keeper AND DOES (and the two actors fell in love f’reals on the set)!!!  They try for kids but miscarriage and become very disparaged.  Then a dead man and an alive baby wash up on their lighthouse shores and change everything!!  EVERYTHING!!! They assume the parentage of the orphaned child and life moves on.  BUT DOES IT???  What about the baby’s mother???  To say anything more about the plot would be saying more about the plot, but all I’ll say is that Rachel Weisz is in the movie too, and the trailer spoils the movie, so don’t watch the trailer

I don’t know much about who Derek Cianfrance is as a person, cept he’s a guy who makes movies – and I fcuking love him cause of the movies he makes!  His debut – Blue Valentine – is still giving my heart painful palpitations (in a good bad way), and his follow-up - The Place Beyond The Pines – is another painful place I think of fondly.  And with his third feature - The Light Between Oceans – all I can say is SURF’S UP, YO!  Actually, that’s not all I can say.  I would say that this is somehow his LEAST painful movie (but don’t worry pain-freaks, there’s still plenty of pain to ‘enjoy’ here), but perhaps it is his most beautiful film yet!  So beautiful that I don’t juss want to marry the lighthouse keeper, I want to marry that fcuking lighthouse too!

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Oceans sets sail today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Groupon is great!  It makes things that you want to do and see and eat cheaper!  This past weekend, I used 4 of dems and what a weekend it was…

Indignation
Trying The Old College That Doesn’t Want To Give
Official Site | Trailer
R | 110 min

Didn’t realize good ole Philip Roth released a book called Indignation 8 years ago, mainly cause I don’t read books, although I have read two of his books!  It’s true!  But I’m game for anything Roth – mainly cause I know it will involve Jews, neuroses, and Jewish neuroses!

This book was turned into a movie by former Focus Features studio chief, James Schamus, making his writing/directing debut! And it’s pretty good stuff!  It kinda feels like a stage play, and kinda staged like one – but it has one blow job and TWO hand job scenes!!!  STAGE THAT!!!

Our protagonist is an atheist Jew Logan Lerman (the Wallflower showing some acting chops here), who’s just gettin started at a WASPy Ohio college in the early 50s.  All he wants to do is work and study hard, but runs into trouble when a bedeviling shiksa (Sarah Gadon) gives him said BJ and saids HJs.  She’s unstable, and throws him for a loop.  Then he throws the dean (Tracy Letts, in full a$$hole mode) for a loop, and the two clash in a war of words – in two scenes which are easily the best parts of the film – yes, even more than the scenes involving the BJ and the HJs.  This tête–à–tête is the definition of the word ‘indignation’ - anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment – which was great, cause this movie made me learn a new word AND the movie entertained me!  Learning AND being entertained – a deadly combo that is actually very lively!  STAGE THAT!!!

In case you were wondering what Groupon was used here – it was for Fandango monies!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

dig into Indignation, currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

–

and then if was off to use a Groupon for dinner at this Georgian (USSR style, not the Peachy state) restaurant called Pepela.  it was a really cool space, but when we arrived, we were the only customers in the entire place for 20 minutes.  we literally thought we were going to get murdered, but the only things that died were our fears after we delved into the delicious meal – featuring a thing that’s better than a pizza – a khachapuri!!!

(this isn’t an actual picture of the one I ate, but this is what ours looked like)

–

next night, and new Groupon adventures awaited!

first it was dinner – at Serenata, a nice modern Mexican restaurant.  I stuffed my face on gauc, queso fundido, some empanadas, some enchiladas and a quesadilla. MUY BIEN!!!!

and then off to see..

The Bangles
Irving Plaza
August 27th, 2016

https://www.instagram.com/p/BJos_lzjl11/

in 75 RAWKING minutes, the three Bangles (Michael Steele left in 2005) rawked the fcuk outta 22 songs for a thousand dudes in their 50s who came to relive the 80s.  I’m close to 40, but I’m old in thought, and young in farts.  Age and decades aside, their spirit is still strong and their fans still love them (and they all still look pretty mad fly)  

While the ladies have written some timeless tunes in their time, they can cover the crap outta other people’s ditties.  Personally, their cover of Simon & Garf’s ‘Hazy Shady of Winter’ (see video above), might Might MIGHT be, my most flavorite cover version of a song EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  Yes, ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EAT THAT BEATLES!!!!  (who were like a male Bangles of their time)

Man, is Susana Hoffs like the all time hottest Jew mt EVERest* and Sinai or wat????

*that isn’t my wife :)

Setlist - Mary Street / Some Dreams Come True / Manic Monday / Restless / James / He’s Got a Secret / Going Down to Liverpool (Katrina and the Waves cover) / September Gurls (Big Star cover) / I’m in Line / The Real World / Live (The Merry‐Go‐Round cover) / A Hazy Shade of Winter(Simon & Garfunke cover) / If She Knew What She Wants (Jules Shear cover) / Want You / Dover Beach / Open My Eyes (Nazz cover) / Silent Treatment / In Your Room / Hero Takes a Fall

Encore – How Is the Air Up There (The Changin’ Times cover) / Walk Like an Egyptian / Eternal Flame

–

to cap the weekend, I got to see my beloved Peabs, but no Groupon exists for such hotness - as love don’t cost a thing.  although we bought pizza at face value and got to see Edie Brickell do the same thing with her kin!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BJqrRH7jSgs/

Jheronimus Bosch, Touched by the Devil
Like Watching Dried Paint
Official Site | Trailer
Not Rated | 86 min

I love Hieronymus Bosch.  Love.  LOVE!!!!!  He’s so fcuking twisted!  In a time when paintings were too Jesusy, and way too Jesusy, and WAY WAY WAY too Jesusy, Mr Bosch was getting evil with the Jesusy stuff!  His painting freak me the fcuk out.  If the heavenly and mainly hellishly things going on in them existed in real life, I would probably not want to be a part of real life!

I mean, look at this fcuking thing!!

or look at these fcuking things!!

and what the fcuk is going on here??

I mean, I could go on and on, and show you ever more fcuked up sh!t, but there’s only so much you cannot unsee

yikes!!

So many questions – and WTF? is the question that needs to be asked over and over!

Pieter van Huystee‘s documentary – Jheronimus Bosch, Touched by the Devil –  isn’t necessarily about Bosch as a man and a painter – it’s more about the mounting of a Dutch exhibition taking place in his hometown, to mark the 500th anniversary of his death in 1516, and that’s kinda a shame.  Cause we want to know more about Biggty Bosch, and not as much about the exhibition and the people mounting it

BUT, the process of mounting this exhibition is interesting in its own right.  A Dutch team was assembled to scour the earth and re-examine and re-evaluate the 25 known Bosch works in existence, which are attributed to him or his studio.  This team left no stone unturned, or even wood unturned.  Thru the wood of the paintings’ backing, they can figure out a year, and some of these paintings that are known to be works of Bosch, fall beyond the year of his death!  Woah, not possible!  And the film digs deep into the details of the actual paintings, and shows these details in full, which is a treat, since none of us will ever get that close to his paintings!!! (SO MANY OWLS!!! SO LITTLE TIME!!).  And they do this cool infrared photo stuff where you can see the drawings behind the paintings – like stuff that was once there and now aint!!!

OK, so we don’t get learn about Bosch the man, or his motivations  – cause its apparent that that information doesn’t exist – and so all we are left with is only MORE questions, but isn’t the goal of art is to make you think and question things and stuff, while marveling at its beauty (and/or horror)?? 

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Bosch is currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Café Society
Cup Half Empty
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 96 min

There’s something to Woody Allen‘s latest entry – Café Society – but also, there’s not much to it.  You watch it and you go – hey, I’d love to be there, in that time period and in those fabulous places, with those endlessly beautifully sun-drenched lit scenes, and down some of those lush-looking drinks, and take a puff from those slow smoking c-gars!  This is like the gilded version of his 1999 film Sweet and Lowdown (one of my favorite modern Woody pics) – but somehow, his new jaunt is devoid of heart, soul and humor

It’s not the fault of our characters.  We like them, and we want to watch them do things.  There’s something to Jesse Eisenberg (playing the Woody role) chasing Kristen Stewart round ole Hollywood, but there’s not much to the chase.  There’s something to Jesse’s uncle Steve Carell, but not really anything to him, and the same goes to his uncle’s friends Parker Posey & Paul Schneider, and Eisenberg and his uncle’s kinfolk - Corey Stoll (all gangster schtick, zero personality), Sari Lennick (as if she just walked off the set of A Serious Man and right onto Society‘s set!), Stephen Kunken, Ken Stott and Jeannie Berlin.  There’s even something about Blake Lively, when usually there’s nothing to her except her body.  We want to spend time with these people, but not really given any good reason to, or to fully care about what happens to them

Well, there was one thing that was a thing – but it was more personal.  Jesse falls for a girl, and then another with the same first name.  This happened to me, although unlike in the movie, I didn’t continue to pine for the 1st girl, while the 2nd girl became my wife!!

Anywho, it was a decent try Woody.  You have a nice looking Café, with a nice set of drinkers, but there’s not much niceties to your Society at all.  See you next summer!

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Café is juss OK at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Star Trek Beyond
Somewhere Between Be-Yummy and Be-en-There-Done-That
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 122 min

Beyond is the third Star Trek movie with this new, hip and young Enterprise crew, and it’s already starting to feel very familiar – both good and bad.  Good in a sense that we still love Love LOVE these guys (Pine/Quinto/Urban/Pegg/Saldana/Cho/Yelchin – RIP):, and their familiar presence is a continuing reassurance that we’ll have fun with them no matter what trouble they get themselves into 

Meeting them in round 1 was pure bliss, and battling Benedict Cumberbatch in round 2 was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and in this third one, we’re totally on board for the new mission – but the bad?  – while they’re off exploring new worlds, even without their ship(!), it feels like it’s nothing new.  This is the 3rd of their 5 year mission, but it kinda feels like its 33rd year of a 55 year mission.  Familiarity – both good and bad

OK, so there was some new fresh newness – like a NEW bad guy – Idris Elba!  And they silenced the fanboys who were pissed that The Beastie Boys’ ‘Sabotage’ was featured in the trailer – CAUSE THE SONG ENDED UP BEING IN THE FILM – AND IT WORKS FOR THE STORY!  And the movie was fun – but it’s starting to feel a bit like running thru the motions.  More of an actual trek, and less of a journey

Maybe in the next Trek, they can boldly go somewhere else, and hopefully as far as humanly and alienly as possible from these fcuking dumb-a$$ looking creatures…

Verdictgo: still, love me this crew, so low-end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Star Trek doesn’t go too far Beyond, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…