Thighs Wide Shut

Here be some snaps from last nite’s Freedom From JapanaPorn Fest. I have no idea who most of these people below are, but they were very willing to pose for a photo. [Note to self: figure out how to turn on that anti-redeye feature]

• Meanwhile, Bad Girls author Alex McAulay waxes bout the prospects of Lohag & Duffdiver starring in the movie adaptation.

• Blur suing each other?

• From Popbitch: Noel Gallagher was interviewed by David Walliams in the Observer last weekend, and told a classic story. Liam, apparently, was a huge fan of Spinal Tap. But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as A Mighty Wind at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted “I’m not ‘avin’ that”, and stormed off. And has never watched the film again. And spank the lord they finally played MSG last nite, cause I was gonna jump outta window if I had to read one more stankin article talkin bout how they sold out the place in minutes.

• Stewart Copeland Foos it up

• Mandy Moore to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame!

• Remember the search engine Excite.com? Neither did I til I read this.

• Don Malkemes furthers goal of ‘humping’ actress Kelly MacDonald. Great, but who’s Don Malkemes? UK’s answer to Stephen Malkmus?

• If one person yawns, why does everyone else in the room want to yawn? Related: somebody please stuff her mouth

• Just what I needed: a female Japanese android that wears gloves [via JINR]

• Who has the world’s greatest 404 Error: Page not found? The Sugar Daddy, Mr Poon

• Don’t pass up the chance again to own yer own Freezy Freakies

• Photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store

• Rock, Paper, Saddam! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Yer YTMDawgnesses of the day: although Grambs hit the mark by matching Racist killer Killen with Uncle Jr, how bout Killen and the Six Flags guy? Or juss for shiz and giggles, a lame Cuthbert & Vader one AND Baloo Jizzes on Tom Cruise, which I could watch for 3 hrs straight… or would that be 3 hrs gay?

• No perspiration this time from Ms Pinder, but still plenty of yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yummy yamness to go round!! OMLORD, I may have to bypass all other Her Royal Thighness the III candidates and juss elect her two redonk bazoombies to the bone throne!!! [most are kinda NSFW]

• Who has consistently produced the best TV special year after year? Thighs down, The American Film Institute. The fun began back in ’98 when they dropped their list of America’s 100 Greatest Movies (if Citizen Kane hadn’t come out on top, you wouldn’t be reading this paragraph). ’99 emitted the tops in his and hers, ’00 got busy like Sean Paul with the laughs, ’01 (the real beginning of the millennium) was absolute-lee thrilling (mainly thinks to Hitchcock, the real Hitch, not that crap with the Fresh Prince and the King of Queens… royalty my A$$!!), ’02 was a bowl of mushy peas, ’03 left out the ugly and went straight for the good and the bad, ’04 made for such sweet music, and we sipped Five Alive in the ’05, while we were totally titillized and thighszed as they rolled out the 100 Best Quotes. [Note: the AFI site was all sorts of fugazied, and hence the other linky-poos] As usual, they were mostly on point like John Negroponte, with a few melon-scratchers here and there (how could ‘There’s no crying in baseball‘ be better than both ‘Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny‘ AND ‘Get yer hands off me, you damn dirty APE!‘? Time to break out the shotguns Chuck). The only thing that lacks credibility is their selection of on-air talent to gab about the fizz. DL Hughley? Elayne Boosler? Wolfgang Puck? What, was Ebert too busy making love to a box of Jujubes? Anywhozitz, I’d like to throw out a bunch of random quotes that didn’t make the list and mean something especial to meski. The criteria? Anything in my lifetime, meaning from ’77 on (sorry Escape From The Planet of the Apes, but hello Hello Again!!). I’m sure I’m missing some, but I don’t have all day to write about crap… although I’m sure u spank otherwise.

‘In honor of our special guest, I’ve created dinner mon dieu — including Frahnch fries… Frahnch dressing… and Frahnch bread. And to drink Pay-roo‘ – Jenny Meyer, Better Off Dead

‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die!‘ – Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

‘Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.‘ – Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski

‘Man, we ain’t found shit!‘ – Henchman, Spaceballs

‘Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!‘ – Joseph, Kindergarten Cop

‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.‘ – Jules, Pulp Fiction

‘Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots.‘ – David, The Lost Boys

‘Bring me everyone. What do you mean “everyone”? EVERYONE!!’ – Norman Stansfield and Benny, The Professional

‘Don’t f#ck with the babysitter!‘ – Chris, Adventures In Babysitting

‘Shall we play a game?‘ – Joshua, the computer, WarGames

‘How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?‘ – Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite

‘It was f%ckin’ obvious that cunt was gonna fuck some cunt.‘ – Begbie, Trainspotting

‘On how good your manners are… and how big your pocketbook is… – Dexter Jettster, Episode III

‘Is this something you can share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?‘ – Pee Wee, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

‘Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.‘ – Heather Chandler, Heathers

‘Pull the string! Pull the string!‘ – Bela Lugosi, Ed Wood

‘I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.‘ – Jimmy Two Times, Goodfellas

‘Mrs. Peacock was a man?‘ – Mr Green, Clue

‘I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we’re gonna be winners.‘ – Coach Norman Dale, Hoosiers

‘Pyle, you climb obstacles like old people f#ck.‘ – Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket

‘Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.‘ – Rupert Pupkin, The King of Comedy

‘Sugar Mr. Poon? No, never, NEVER!‘ – Stanton Boyd’s secretary and Fletch F Fletch, Fletch

‘What the fuck’s a frush?‘ – Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

‘And the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.‘ – Announcer, Kentucky Fried Movie

• Gorillaz to do a REAL tour this November. Now the problem be that we probably have to get our a$$es to Manchester in order to see em.

• Eggman, aka Billy Corgan, desperately wants attention/to reform the Pumpkins. I say fine, but only if he doesn’t turn all the nice bits into screamy bits onstage.

• Jennifer Ellison fractured her collar bone. Don’t panic, the breasts are still OK. [sorta NSFW, cause her boobs are so big]

• W. Mark Felt felt it was time to cash in on his deep thrizzle. No doubt a movie is happening, but why does Tom Hanks have to play him?

• Peep the vid for best song off Beck’s uneven Guero, ‘Girl‘. Shiz reminds me of MAD Magazine‘s backpage Fold–Ins.

• How come the BVegan is doing a better job updating us on Siren Fest’s line-up than the site itself?

• CMJ Music Marrython to be held Zeptember 14-17

• Don’t be scared Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. I’ve adopted you and took you under my wing so you’d be safe from all the crazies out there.

• Maria Sharapova Eating A Banana

• Return to normalcy/hottacy?

• Radio Memories

• NYC Subway Mosaics

• How could the webmaster of Fakedrpepper.com let the domain expire?

• Mother Gave Permission Slip For Man To Have Sex With Girl AND Police Release Photo Showing Teen Impaled On Fence [vias Newz O Da Weird]

• This is N%gga Stole My Bike thing has complete-lee gotten outta lo-hand: N!gga Stole My Bubble Bobble, N$gga Stole My Yoshi, N@gga Stole Carnegie Hall, N#gga Stole My Price Is Right Game, and flubvs course, DOS Stole My Bike. Whatever u do, juss stay away from YTMND 2. Your brain may eggsplode.

• Keds has run outta ideas with their Mischa B campaign. Or maybe that Jodie Foster kid whore look is back in fashion and no one told me about it. Its still hottier than her kissing Anakin Skyloser. But not as thumcredbile as this pic…

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…

So I guess you can call this our first Thighs Wide Theme Week. If you’ve been cave hidin’ with Osama, then you probably don’t know what I reek of. Lettuce recap: Montag gave love to Mike Tyson and his Glass Joe ways, Martedì lookyed back to the days of yore, when drowning your family was a fun thing, Miércoles paid tribute to a yellow pioneer (and I aint talkin bout them folks who made railroads for white people), Jeudi was filled all sorts of CAPCOMedy, and Friday I’m in love… ALL OVER AGAIN with the greatest gaming system known to man, no not TurboGrafx 16, but The Nintendo Entertainment Center, which went nationwide is on our side in ’86. I could go on and on with run-on and run-on sentences about how much the 8-bit of heaven means to I me mine, but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about for years to cum. So without further Freddy Adu, I giveth to you:

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2) RBI Baseball – NES was loaded with stellar artois baseball games, but this was the king of the diamond. All the players were white and faceless, plus looked so cute when they got beaned. Wanna bring home the pennant? Play with Boston and sub Tony Armas for Marty Barrett & Ellis ‘Tim’ Burks for Spike Owen. And how do you like yer RBI muzak, men on base stizz or bases empty?

3) Super Mario Bros 3 – Super Mario 1 is classic, but not worth playing anymore. Super Mario 2 is a joke, but sorta set the stage for Mario Karts. That leaves 3 as the perfect edition to rule them all. Magic flutes, raccoon AND frog Mario, giant land, the match game, and giving people a reason to see Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Christian Slater, AND a pre-Rilo K Jenny Lewis mix it up in The Wizard. Wanna make Bowser look as weak as Sha Na Na’s Bowzer? Load up on 99 1-ups on World 3, Level 9. Juss grab the shell of a green flying koopa, throw it between to blocks, and let the bomb-obs thing do the rest.

4) Final Fantasy – A much better RPG than OG Zelda, but too long and complex for repeat play. Sh%t was like the best parts of Ultima, Dragon Warrior, and even LOTR all rolled into one fat blunt. No other vid games’ enemies and boards made me sweat more than FF‘s did. Wanna shine light on the darkened orbs? Don’t even think about starting without Nintendio Power’s strategy guide. The secret game was effin hugo and its boss!

5) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out – Do I even need to explain this one? Juss look at these ani gifs, listen to this racist, yet chillarious tune, punch in ‘007 373 5963’, and kick that ex-Robin Givens loving machine to the kerb. Can’t ya juss hear Mario squeak ‘TKO’ with his accompanying word balloon?

6) RC Pro-Am – Love Spy Hunter‘s weapons & oil slicks, and Super Off Road curves? Then this is the game for you. My copy of the game has been used so many forkin times that after a 30 seconds of playing, everything on the screen turns black and all you can see is what place yer in. Wanna stack yer trophy room? Avoid picking up bombs, stick to the missiles, and ALWAYS use the red-speedy-arrow-thingies whenever possible.

7) Bionic Commando – CAPCOM at its best. You sport red hair, wear shades, gots a bionic arm, and get to kill Hitler. How? Throw the dude some watermellons and watch him go crazy!

8) Ice Hockey – One skinny dude and 3 fat guys are the recipe for success.

9) Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse – All of the C’vania games were moneybag mcgees, but once again, a #3 ups the steaks and salads. The standout feature here is the ability to transform into three diff characters. I’m partial to Alucard, Dracula’s bastard son.

10) Goonies II – I don’t remember there ever being a Goonies I or even any buzz about this one, but I borrowed it from a family friend and never returned it. Spank gawd, cause I was able to strap on my slick shoes and save the breastless mermaid from the Fratellis. Wanna never die like the Goonies? Find Konamiman as often as possible.

11) Contra – How could ANYONE ever win without ‘up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start’? I guess it’s one of those never to be answered queries like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?

Mostest honorable mentions: Blaster Master, Metal Gear, Bases Loaded, Baseball Stars, Metroid, Blades of Steel, Pro Wrestling, and shove course, the one with the bestest name of all thyme, Rygar.

Sorry kids, but Super Tecmo Bowl juss doesn’t cut it para me. I’ll stick with 10 Yard Fight as NES’ blue ribbon fooball game. Where else can you throw a 99-yard bomb TD pass, while being on yer opponents’ 1 yard line?

* for games that debuted on the NES

• Spice Girls AXED from Live 8? Make up yer minds already. I’ve haven’t seen this much back and forth since I peeped that above Moore’s buns thing link!

• Is that Paris showing us her teets, or is it someone that looks like Paris? Either way, someone’s showing us their teets!! [NSFW via Made of Brawnstein]

• D-lode FOUR new Archdukes (Franz Ferdie) tunes (live/demo versions) at FF.org [via XFM]

• Three more acts added to the Siren Fest. Arcade Fire still a possib. Indigestion is a definite.

• Ms Mod points in the direction of a handy list of all of NYC’s free summer shows!

• Seu Jorge, of Zissou and Knockout Ned fame, is playing at SOBs this Monday. I’ll only go if he plays those Bowie covers that he makes up the lyrics to! [via Aeki Thursday]

• RetroBest interviews ultra-80s hottie Cindy Morgan. I didn’t realize she was in both Caddyshack AND Tron. Even in blue, she gives me blue balls.

• Jewsrock.org

• Peep elemtary school pics of sex offender and all around creepy-arsed looking guy Brian Peppers [via DataTwat?]

• Mag Bastard returns from Rip Van Winkleville

• Productshop NYC gets a new logo and apparently decides to add a space ‘tween the Product & the shop

• Warhol’s Time Capsule 21

• NYCers, free screening passes to something that looks hot and something that has Huckabees squares on their poster.

• Celebrities LOVE Table Tennis. Even MR ED!!

[via Metafilter]

• Whilst wasting time in boring Raleigh, NC last tweakend, me & my man Marvkus watched the 2nd most relaxing thing EVER to air on PBS, sides Bobby Ross and his OG Phil Spector hair: Alone In the Wilderness

• Mother Indicted for Hiring Stripper for Son’s Birthday Party [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• F-Dubya, the license plate [via Zach de la Roachclippers]

• Which one is not wearing pants?

• More people should rock glassies like this dude [via Jakey G]

• Vader on Wheel of Fortune, from the You’re The Man Now Dogtown and ruleZZZ Boys [CLICK NOW OR DIE]

• By the time I finished this post, her current Royal Thighness found out about the possib BLY a tea of being replaced, rounded up her Hollyweird pals, decapitated yer dear Thigh Mizzle, and served me up Peter DeLuise!