Thighs Wide Shut

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Sithing Thru The Rubble To Find Gold
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So what if I tore Sith a new arsehole on my first tour of doodie? Aren’t I allowed to see it again, sans the pressures of opening night bananasnessness, whilst checking my prejudices and preconceived notions, potions, and lotions at the door? And why am I even bothering to pose questions, when I answer to no one, cept maybe my bosses, Jesus, and Papa & Mumsy Thigh Master? Copy, Right? DataWhat? Sugar, Mr Poon? Free of any more queries, I am happy to report that after my round 2 viewage I’m elevating this from ‘Not Awful’ to ‘Worth A Peep’ status (although you’ll still be able to find the olde negative one on the pull-down menu on yer lower left hand side).

So why the sudden shift in opinion? My sudden shift in opinion all has to do with the how this Episode fits into the grand scheme of things with the other 5. Sure, we don’t learn anything new here, but it helps to solidify, what is in my mind, the mos remarkable myth & legend of our (ms) modern age. And whether you or I like it or not, these three new episodes are dunn and in the can, and there aint no turning back… unless of course these rumors on the interwebs about Episode Zero are true. Now I haven’t had the pleasure of re-watching New Hope thru ROTJ since, but I did re-viddy Eps I & II over the Mammoryial Day Tweakend and have a new fondness for them booth. I can’t bee leave I just typed the words ‘fondness’ and ‘Eps I & II’ in the same SENTENCE, but tits true!! All the stoopid and seemingly tedious politics that bogged down the first two were all juss a giant set-up for the big payoff: the greatest coup and rise of a dictator since Hitler took over the watermelon industry. Plus it was great to get rid of all those meaningless Penis-Head Jenkins Jedis and to see how Ani morphed into Darth… even if it seemed he made his decision to join the dark side in all of 3.1 seconds.

Don’t spunk me wrong, there are still whoreibble and unEGGSceptable bits that got even more awfulisticular on the second viewing of Ep III, and plenty of other stizz that gots me angry, such as:

1) The over usage of dinosaur-type creatures. They make too much noise, look too fake, and I think the world’s seen enuff Jurassicfication in movies.

2) Anything coming out of Mace Windex’s mouth. SLJ is a gifted actor, but not a gifted Jedi. Boo.

3) General Grievous, who was about as menacing and cutting age as Johnny Five.

4) You stick us with Jar-Jar for 2 movies, yet you don’t even give him ONE LINE in the last one??? I guess Lucas made up for it on the not so spiffy special edition of ROTJ when the very last line uddered is ‘Weesa Free!!’ Seriously, it is.

5) Enuff with the fat blue dudes and skinny chicks with tentacles coming out of their heads.

6) Words I never wanted Yoda to ever say: ‘Chewbacca’.

7) Apparently in his old age, R2-D2 retired from flying, jumping out of planes, shooting oil, shooting fire, and catching things. Good, cause he should only be allowed to shut down things, show hologram movies, retrieve schematics, shoot light-sabers from his head, and fix the hyper-drive on the Millennium Falcon.

8) Love for Mon Mothma, but none for The Admiral? Sounds like it’s A TRAP to me!!

9) Enuff already with the Asian stereotyping. I was juss waiting for Nute to appoint General Tso as Supreme Vince Chancellor.

10) This could never end, so please insert your complaints here.

And for the record, Phantom Menace, void of all Jar² Binksedness, is a far superior flick wheneth compared to Attack of the Clowns. Don’t agree? Remember how umcredible Qui-Gon Jinn & Darth Maul were? Or how white-hot Keira Knightley was in white-face, when she wasn’t even a blip on anyone’s radar? Probably not, cause yer too busying trying to figure out why the fork Count Grandpa and the Techno Union eggsist, or where you can buy one of those cable-knit sweaters that Jimmy Smits rox!! Or how bout the ‘plot’? Oh yeah, the 2nd one didn’t have one. It was basically: Ani has boner for Padme, Padme resists, Ani slices apple with force, Padme lets Ani force himself on her, Padme gets shirt ripped (probably the next hottiest Star Wars moment next to Leia wearing Jabba’s Secret brand metal lingerie), Boba’s dad’s super sperm creates CGI headaches for audiences, and apparently bug people fart when they talk. And tisn’t it about thyme we all give lil Jake Lloyd a break? He was a kid playing a kid. What do you want him to do? Throw away his space Legos and stop hanging out with mini-Greedo? He was good enuff. Good enuff considering the lines Lucas was feeding him. At least he didn’t look like he was left in the dryer for 14 hours like Yoda did in Ep I. And don’t even get me started on female Yoda…

Recommended for those who like: space operas filled with bubbles, a silent Sio Bibble, and this.

Possible Porno Name: Star Holes III: Whip It Out & Sith It In!

Unsatisfied with this? You shouldn’t be. I changed my mind and you can too!

Everyone have a killah weekend, but whatevs u do, DO NOT see Lords of Dogtown. I’ll eggsplain it all next week. Until then, the balcony is clothed.

• The above title is actually a ‘memorable quote’ from Kuffs, but this isn’t a post about past Christian Slater eggsaladness and his being arrested by an overweight Guy Ritchie. This all about Russians, who are always in such a dang hurry to do stuff, like LOSE!! Oh Sharalovely, you were THIS close to becoming my thighscort for the 27th Annual Thighsies Award Show this year, but alas, I only like to surround myself with winners, like Bestlisha, who is a champion lawn dart darter and Donkey Congaer (not to be confused with a NSFW Darva Conger). But don’t u dare fret my lil Kamchatka vodka hot-ca bubka baby, cause I gave Pammy Pam a 2nd chance, although she did lose to a child molester, and you have many a summer tournaments coming yer way where you can strut yer stuff and stick balls up yer skirt/win my heart back. And I could never be angry at someone who’s making the world safe again for hot pink (with a lot of help from Trent)! I mean, I haven’t been this pinked out in tennisness since I rocked those Andre Agassi Nike Air Tech Challenge IIeses, back in the ‘8-9. Right peoples? Or were u lucky enuff to own the less gay aqua editions?

• The Old Spice Rack Girls get 86ed from Live 8 cause their music was deemed more fluffier than fluffernutter, but Pink Floyd VOWS that they will play and that his eyebrows will grow back!

• And the Live 8 site, Live8Live.com, went live 8 minutes ago. No word on whether Live will be playing any Live songs live or playing at all.

• Look, I know she’s a low lag, but that’s no reason to Princess Diana her!

• Zzzzzzzz

• Strawberry Fields Foreverclosure! And if you’ve never been to Liverpool, you owe to yerself to get yer a$$ there and go on their very Magical Mystery Tour. Thighs thighly recommends!

• For no apparent reason, The Breakfast Club will reunite for the MTV Movie Awards. And for no apparent reason, MTV will have a Movie Award ceremony.

• WaPo‘s Deep Thrizz blog

• Richard Branson is starting to lose it. Next he’ll start offering trips to YOURANUS!!

• Time after time, girls just wanna have brunch (and cheap rent)

• My mos flavorite gay Canadian band, The Hidden Cameras, is hittin up Mass, Philly, and NYC in mid-July. See you at the Bowery show that’s a day b4 Siren.

• The Foo Fighters have an e-cardy thing for their new song ‘Best of You’.

• My love and faith in Star Wars has been restored. More on this later, but in the meantime, download John Williams’ brills ‘Duel of Fates‘ from Episode I.

• Originality is declared dead as both Dlisted & The Superficial deliver the same joke days apart.

• Poop explores Bitchfork Media’s hating of the 90s

• Justin questions Padme’s new brand of wussyness

• What’s bigger, the boobs or the stretch marks? [via UMC]

• AMC theaters offer up plenty of free kids movies this summer.

• Lettuce play a game: Name That Tune playing behind Conan the Popcorn Maker. There is no prize, but I’m dying to know cause I could listen to it alls day shlong. UPDATE: mystery solved by Thighlander Jangle Cougar Sweets, the song is oddly enuff called ‘Popcorn’. Download it here.

• Yankees fans, eat a dick, but bid on this rare and UMcredible Cliff Engle tee!

• Dennis Rodman to Vie for Wife-Carrying World Championship Title

• Kinda how I see it, but my version had hoop earrings

• Place you’ll never EVER find me after sundown: The Ventriloquist Museum [via CityRagDoll]

• Planet Earth Is Genius, Reason #355687: The Ben & Jerry’s Pint Lock! [via Randy Moss’ old Double Home]

• Redneck Neighbor [via My Man Marvkus]

• If Gawd put a smile upon your face, is Gawd Egotastic this morning?

• Admit it, you don’t watch Jeopardy! and therefore probably never gots the pleasure of seeing my dearest Pammy Pam Mueller on the telle, right? Well, you can make up for your lack of vision by tom peeping this lil mini web interview thingie they did with her back in the ’01. Maybe NOW you can get a sense of why I was once bitten, and forever smittened. By the gay, I think I fingered out my reasoning for my seasoning/why I digs her so dang much: she has the same EGGSzact ‘do that Dana Delany/McMurphy sported on China Beach aka China BEST! I was all of 11 when the show first aired, but I think that was the very first time I had a hu-mungo crush on an older woman, on a weekly basis, and was quite vocal about it. I was so wrapped up into the whole thang that even I made my mom buy me a China Beach sweatshirt from a kiosk at Montgomery Mall (the same mall which was once used as a setting in the 80s shit pic Prime Risk, and is now home to a stab happy woman). Oh Dana (who was once stalked by Corky), how I hearted you so. I much wanted to rip that green uni off with my teeth and take you right then and there on that gurney. My member would be your IV, pumping vital fluids all up into your ailing organs. Somebody lock me up for my own good, STAT!!!

• And in sorta-related links, czech out Tourney of Champ champ Brad’s mini-int, when he looked like a fat Ben Affleck, and this other pic of him that makes him look like a big winner!

• Ready or not, here they come! I guess there are now plenty of mics for the too many MCs. Hopefully they will stay permanent one and not return to number ten. While I wait, you can find me in my Mitsubishi, eatin’ sushi, bumpin’ Fugees. Oooh La La La. I love it when you touch my Tra La La.

• Lohag the Elder off to Prisonville

• And while Daddy tries to avoid dropping the soapy-soap, lil Lohag is considering starring in a remake of this gas passer.

• Peace the pitchfork out Eddie Albert! May I be the 12891849053rd person to wish you well on your way to GREENer pastures.

• Indy 4’s script FRYnally gets the OK from Baron Papanoida & Senor Spielbergo.

• Bad Idea Jeans #37622: The Griswalds Down Under!

• The Stones will be supported by BECK (!) on a bunch o’ Canadiananian stops this fall! Lucky mothercanuckers! Then again, they didn’t have hockey all last year, so we gotta throw em some bones. (Editor’s Note: Canada is easy to make fun of, but I love all Candandnadians)

• Trey’s Zooma tour cancelled! Finally, the beginning of the end of patchouli smellin’ neo-hippie sub-culture! Unless of course someone spends a fortune on a motor home last owned by Trey Anastasmellio. Now if only the Dave Matthews Band were dumped into a river and instead of their dumps! [eBayness via Andre Dawson Fan #1]

• The Warshington Po qwikly looks back on 25 9:30 Club years!

• Anakin Skywalker/Lord Darth Vader, In Pictures 1977 to Present [OMforkinG!]

• I really likes me some Fischerspooner. Their latest odyssey was miles and away better than Daft Punk & the Chem Bros’ efforts this year. Peep the video for ‘Never Win’ [Win or Real or QwikThyme]

• Remember the band Grandaddy (I only said ‘band’ so people not in the know don’t think I was talking about Grampa Joe)? Well, here’s a bunch of tasty live mp3ers. Or maybe u’d prefer some live or regular Dios Malos, who are sort of Grandaddyesque, and sure have one of the hottiest internets sites around!

• And while were sorta not on the topic, I agree that W Dafoe would have made a great WW

• Anton Corbijn, Stephane Sednaoui, Jonathan Glazer, and Mark Romanek join the ranks of Michel Gondry, Spike Jonze, and Chris Cunningham on the egggsalad Directors Label DVD series.

• Da Da Vinci crew make another fine choice. So when are they going to replace Tom Hanks with Harrison Ford?

• Don’t trust a virgin and a poll

• Alfie to star in Alfie the II’s wedding starring Alfie the II’s on-screen and off screen flame. Got it?

• Did you know Ebert gave 4 starts to the Karate Kid, even though he thought it was going to be ‘an adventure pitting Ricky Schroder against the Megaloth Man‘? Whatever the fork that means!

• This guy is my new hero. When I grow up, I want to be juss like him! Pee es – why are American concert tickets (read: Ticketbastard’s) so booooooooooring, just like our cash currency?

• This guy is as gay as Gaylord Perry

• It’s official, Jake Jill loves bubble/testicle tea!

• Ever wonder what my bedroom looks like? Click away [NSFW]

• Free screenings in several major cities for Hilary Duff’s next big stank bomb

• Well then spank gawd that mumsy’s daddy had a lot of freakin hair!

• TV mini-series I forkin wish were DVD bound: the Twin Peaksish Wild Palms & the place I first heard Pet Shop Boys’ thumcredible ‘Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots Of Money)’, The Billionaire Boys Club.

A bunch of useless TWS stuff:

• Here are some enter-resting reviews of TWS. Sure I may be a ‘pig’, but I’m too busy looking listening to what Raindrop has to say!

• Could this be considered a Thighs Wide Yearkbook?

• No one’s erecting cakes with my thighkness, but at least someone loves us (see honorable mentions for ‘website of the year’).

• ThighsWideShut.com, still the biggest waste in cybersquatting history.

And back to the shit shinola:

• The reason the interwebs was NOT invented: two dudes karaokeing to hit songs, but change the lyrics to ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us‘

• Is the person responsible for this trying to overtake me as wurstest Photoshopper of the world? [Axis of Ebert]

• How Did They Get That Name? Game

• Sock Master’s Game Console Controller Family Tree [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Jean-Claude Van DANCE, the animated gif [via SickTracks via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Who knew there was a WHOLE world of You’reTheManNowDog out there??! I started too see the light once ‘The United States of NOOOOOOOO‘ came about [download the song]. And now I’m lovin it all like my name was Morgan Spurlock: Mike Tyson Punchout one [NSFW], Vader’s No dance, Vader learns the birds & bees, United States of Kimble, Batman the model, this Pee-Wee one, they found Carmen Sandiego, Transformer rave, Mortal Kaaaaaaahnbat (+ this other Kaaahn one), and Conan makes popcorn!

• And while Rooney was waxin about Memorial Day, I was dreaming of attending the New Zellwood Sweet Corn Festival this past weekend [via Magnolia Bread Head]. I also did a bunch of other lo-key stuff (bowling, muse-zams, Yankees/SOX game, movies galore, masturbate), and doves course rooted for my Tetris-loving lovey, Sharapova, as she continued her clay conquering ways @ Ban Roll-on Garros. Anywho, along my travels on the nets, I came across what is probably one the greatest pictures ever taken of her, and deer-4, the greatest in the history of tennis…

This was not the first time I met a fictional band. That honor was reserved for Spinal Tap, when their DVD was released. Although it was a pleasure to met David St. Hubbins and the gang, I think this session with the Josie & The Pussycats of the 00s was a bit more memorable para mi… probably cause I’d jump Damon Albarn’s bones in a heartbeat, hispecially if Jude & Diego were not available. Anywhozki, along with image maker Jamie Hewlett and soundscaper Dangermouse, the threesome fielded a bunch o’ awful questions from the audience. The only decent info I gathered was that a tour was in the werks, but doesn’t sound like anything comin anythyme soon. Also, there will be another remix type project, ala Laika Come Home, and as previously reported, an afro-beat dealio with Damon and Dangermouse. No word if Penfold is involved or not.

While Damon went out of his way to add two Xs (which = two Pat O’Brien HOT kisses) when givin me his John Hancock, he was a wee bit distracted when we took this picture cause someone told him how yumcredible the ‘United States of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ webthingiemajingie was [speakers ON for dat 1]. I blame you Trent Lottz. I also blame you for making me buy this pink polo.

• Although not as magnificent as Twin Peaks was after season one (& sadly often compared to), Desperate H-wives wrapped up round 1 in about as high fashion and class as it started with. And to tell the truth, the hotnessies left for us to mull over during our summer vacay’s are far more interesting than the ones the OC dropped on us last week. Don’t spank me wrong, I’d can’t wait to see Mischa bend over for the soap in jail and becoming the Andy Dufresne for a whole new generation, but that juss doesn’t compare to Zack/Dana/Pothead’s looneybinness, RFK’s second meeting with death, and the unsolved reasoning behind Carlos being all ‘crotch-mouthed’ (genius term dreamt up by Michelle on Tvgasm). Soon I may replace ‘is it football season yet?’ with ‘is it Marcia Cross season yet? [last semi-NSFW]

• Spice Girls To Reform?!?!?!?!!!! I mean, this isn’t as big as Gang of Four (whomever the fork they are) getting back together, but this begs the question, when will Our Gang reunite?

• Kate Boosworth could have been Katie Holmes?!?!?

• Stream the new Stripes & watch their new video

• Yabba dabba later

• Antonio Banderas to play Dali. Interesting choice, but maybe he would’ve been a better choice to play van Dyke.

• Gavrilo Princip woulda had such an easier time assassinating Franz Ferdinand had he know about dem peanuts. But it’ll take a lot more than an allergic reaction to Arachis hypogaea to keep the Archdukes from Live Aid, now called Live 8.

• Is this guy the second choicen one?

• Motley Crue vs Duran²

• Time Magazine, you know, the authority on all things film, have unleashed their list of the All-Time Top 100 Movies. They sloboviously cant be trusted if A Clockwork Orange, Cloak & Dagger AND Escape From The Planets of the Apes were all omitted.

A now for a bunch of blog related blog stuff…

• I don’t really know what all this fazzle with Blogebrity is, but apparently I’m only good enuff to be a B-List Blogebrity. Are you forking kidding me? I mean, this alone is worthy of A-Listedness! At least they don’t know my real identity. And until the day I get elevated to A-List status, Blogebrity will be a B-List Cewebrity.

• Nike iD enlists the help of the blogerati to design shoes/whore out their products. So who’s kicks have the most kick? And how am I too choose between Stereo’s, Pradashoppe’s, Aeki’s, Melody’s, Coolfie’s, & Leafblower’s? And out of all dem beautiful peeps, which one eats the most boxes of Kix? And when will Adidas let me design their shoes? Is it cause I want to make the first sneaker made from corn?

• Only the combo of me, Trey Atwood, and my man boobs could make Pink go red!

• GoldenFiddle.com, don’t call it a come back. Cause it’s a be back.

• TWS, yer 5th 4th result when searching for all things ‘Pam Mueller’

• And BritPoppa apparently discovers the Who’s Quadrophenia font.

Back to yer regularly scheduled crap on a stick…

• Tom Cruise to direct Steve Spielberg in a movie about a Russian immigrant?

• Every time I read about her, I juss can’t get the image of Penelope Ann Miller out of my head.

• Mr Cliff Engle lives, but not of 80s NFL sweater fame. The search continues for the real man behind the cloth of the gawds.

• Rooney babble ons about ashtrays, matches, and cigarette holders. And apparently, if you smoke, yer more likely to be an idiot.

• Why are soap operas called “soap operas”?

• Twin Bobbleheads

• Speakers on &: Nooooooooooooooooooo! Which comes a close 2nd to YTMND in my heart. [via Leader of the Pak Man]

• Be the only earthling to own 6 Freezer Freakies Beanies

• I take it all back, there is one sport in the summertime that I actually like to watch: Women moaning in tight clothing whilst smacking balls. Hispecially womenez who are in a hurry, that be curvy, and that make the BlogFather’s pants all filled with slurry.