Thighs Wide Shut

Nintendo Power Issue 1 – 1988 July/August was our bible

Birdo can lick our balls!!!!

fact: we’ve been burned more by the blue candle
than we have by women

up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, (select,) start changed our life and probably yours

who doesn’t love the ‘Screw Attack’?

RBI B-BALL IS MORE LORD THAN TRACI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goonies II was vastly underrated, even at # 13

what heaven once looked like

as long as there have been video games, there have been movie spin-offs into crappy video games. Although not the first, Atari’s E.T. could be the wurst. So effin bad that millions of its unsold cartridges lie in some New Mexico landfill. But were not here today to talk about Drew Barrymore’s adolescent coke buddy or whatever became of the company that in Japanese is loosely translated to ‘prepare to be attacked‘. Wees here to celebrate the awfulnessnesnessss of all the movies that were shamefully turned into Nintendo 8-bit NES cartridges. And spanks to YouTube and the dedication of some very angry gamers (some of their commentaries border on geniusnessness, and maybe even Canada), we’re puttin on display how sum of these shitastic games end. Some of them are so coughful that E.T. may be able to finally rust in (reese’s) peaces

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Addams Family

Aladdin

Back to The Future

Batman

Batman Returns

Beetlejuice

Blues Brothers

Dick Tracy

Die Hard

Friday The 13th

Ghostbusters

Goonies II

Gremlins 2

Home Alone

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade

Indian Jones and The Temple of Doom

Jaws

Karate Kid

Little Mermaid

Predator

Rambo

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Robocop

Top Gun

Willow

&
for the ending
I bet more people saw on NES
than in theaters…

Hudson Hawk

here are sum udder YouTubenessies
for movies that became NES games
but we couldn’t find the endings fo…

Alien³
Bill and Teds Excellent Video Game
Conan
Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Days of Thunder
Hunt for Red October
Jurassic Park
Last Action Hero
Last Starfighter
Lethal Weapon
Mad Max
Platoon
Rocketeer
Terminator
Total Recall
The Untouchables
Wayne’s World
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

these I couldn’t find any love fo

Cliffhanger
Cool World
Darkman

&

here be sum games
that were on the sched
to be made
but were cancelled

Hellraiser
Police Academy
Rocky
& video hactually exists for this one…
Star Trek V

and although not hailin from movies
these games almost made it
into the houses of tens of hundreds!

Married With Children
New Kids On The Block
Vanilla Ice
&
Twin Peaks!?@!?#!@

Now you’re playing with power!!

and now you should look at our
Thighs Wide NES Hall of Fame
which one of the above games actually got inducted to!

+ don’t fo’get
u can play most of the games online HERE!

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?

So I guess you can call this our first Thighs Wide Theme Week. If you’ve been cave hidin’ with Osama, then you probably don’t know what I reek of. Lettuce recap: Montag gave love to Mike Tyson and his Glass Joe ways, Martedì lookyed back to the days of yore, when drowning your family was a fun thing, Miércoles paid tribute to a yellow pioneer (and I aint talkin bout them folks who made railroads for white people), Jeudi was filled all sorts of CAPCOMedy, and Friday I’m in love… ALL OVER AGAIN with the greatest gaming system known to man, no not TurboGrafx 16, but The Nintendo Entertainment Center, which went nationwide is on our side in ’86. I could go on and on with run-on and run-on sentences about how much the 8-bit of heaven means to I me mine, but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about for years to cum. So without further Freddy Adu, I giveth to you:

Thighs Wide NES Hall of Fame*
(Rated Rookies Need Not Apply)
1) The Legend of Zelda – No other game ever released before or afterage can match its bestedness. Boomerangs, Grumble Grumble, the eye of Gohma, and setting the old man on fire are juss a few reasons why I keep throwing in this cartridge year after year. Wanna get yer triforce on? Save up 250 coins and buy the blue ring ASAP!!

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2) RBI Baseball – NES was loaded with stellar artois baseball games, but this was the king of the diamond. All the players were white and faceless, plus looked so cute when they got beaned. Wanna bring home the pennant? Play with Boston and sub Tony Armas for Marty Barrett & Ellis ‘Tim’ Burks for Spike Owen. And how do you like yer RBI muzak, men on base stizz or bases empty?

3) Super Mario Bros 3 – Super Mario 1 is classic, but not worth playing anymore. Super Mario 2 is a joke, but sorta set the stage for Mario Karts. That leaves 3 as the perfect edition to rule them all. Magic flutes, raccoon AND frog Mario, giant land, the match game, and giving people a reason to see Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Christian Slater, AND a pre-Rilo K Jenny Lewis mix it up in The Wizard. Wanna make Bowser look as weak as Sha Na Na’s Bowzer? Load up on 99 1-ups on World 3, Level 9. Juss grab the shell of a green flying koopa, throw it between to blocks, and let the bomb-obs thing do the rest.

4) Final Fantasy – A much better RPG than OG Zelda, but too long and complex for repeat play. Sh%t was like the best parts of Ultima, Dragon Warrior, and even LOTR all rolled into one fat blunt. No other vid games’ enemies and boards made me sweat more than FF‘s did. Wanna shine light on the darkened orbs? Don’t even think about starting without Nintendio Power’s strategy guide. The secret game was effin hugo and its boss!

5) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out – Do I even need to explain this one? Juss look at these ani gifs, listen to this racist, yet chillarious tune, punch in ‘007 373 5963’, and kick that ex-Robin Givens loving machine to the kerb. Can’t ya juss hear Mario squeak ‘TKO’ with his accompanying word balloon?

6) RC Pro-Am – Love Spy Hunter‘s weapons & oil slicks, and Super Off Road curves? Then this is the game for you. My copy of the game has been used so many forkin times that after a 30 seconds of playing, everything on the screen turns black and all you can see is what place yer in. Wanna stack yer trophy room? Avoid picking up bombs, stick to the missiles, and ALWAYS use the red-speedy-arrow-thingies whenever possible.

7) Bionic Commando – CAPCOM at its best. You sport red hair, wear shades, gots a bionic arm, and get to kill Hitler. How? Throw the dude some watermellons and watch him go crazy!

8) Ice Hockey – One skinny dude and 3 fat guys are the recipe for success.

9) Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse – All of the C’vania games were moneybag mcgees, but once again, a #3 ups the steaks and salads. The standout feature here is the ability to transform into three diff characters. I’m partial to Alucard, Dracula’s bastard son.

10) Goonies II – I don’t remember there ever being a Goonies I or even any buzz about this one, but I borrowed it from a family friend and never returned it. Spank gawd, cause I was able to strap on my slick shoes and save the breastless mermaid from the Fratellis. Wanna never die like the Goonies? Find Konamiman as often as possible.

11) Contra – How could ANYONE ever win without ‘up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start’? I guess it’s one of those never to be answered queries like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?

Mostest honorable mentions: Blaster Master, Metal Gear, Bases Loaded, Baseball Stars, Metroid, Blades of Steel, Pro Wrestling, and shove course, the one with the bestest name of all thyme, Rygar.

Sorry kids, but Super Tecmo Bowl juss doesn’t cut it para me. I’ll stick with 10 Yard Fight as NES’ blue ribbon fooball game. Where else can you throw a 99-yard bomb TD pass, while being on yer opponents’ 1 yard line?

* for games that debuted on the NES