we are beyond unprepared for this upcoming NFL season. probably has something to do with being distracted by the NatsBatsStats and bobs, but that aint gonna stop us from making half-assed guesses as to what’s going to happen in the NFL this year!!!!

NFC

Washington Redskins start training. Washington, DC August 28th, 1937  [via LoC]

NFC EAST

We can no longer doubt the greatness of the Giants (9-7), who have been to the Super Bowl 3 times since 2001, and won it all twice.  Doesn’t mean we have to like it, or them, and we never will, and they will once again reign ‘supreme’ in the NFC Least again, leaving the Vick pricked Eagles (8-8) and lame-o Romo-ed Cowboys (8-8) to be less awful than the RGIIIed Redskins (5-11). When does RGIV happen?

NFC NORTH

The North is where all the hot NFC action will be this fall, and the Lions (11-5) will be the hottiest, roaring their way to a division crown for the first time since 1993. Yep, the Wayne Fontes era!!! The reunited hothead combo of Cutler & Marshall will push the Bears (9-7) into the playoffs, while the Packers (9-7) and Vikings (8-8) get close, but no cigars in vaginas

NFC SOUTH

The Saints (10-6) won’t be beheading anyone this fall, but they will be using Bounty paper towels to quicker pick themselves up and win the division, again. Boringzzzz. Well, nothing’s more boring than the Falcons (8-8), but instead of losing in the 1st round of the playoffs, as per usual, they won’t make it in at all, paving the way for Cam Newton & the Panthers (9-7) to bring the most excitement to Charlotte since they got light rail. Oh, and the Bucs (6-10) will sux

NFC WEST

These aren’t your Bill Walsh 49ers (10-6), but even if they were your Steve Mariucci 49ers, they would still have no problem keeping the dregs of the NFL, the Seahawks (7-9), Cardinals (6-10) & Rams (4-12), dreg-legged

Seeds:
#1 Lions
#2 49ers
#3 Saints
#4 Giants
#5 Bears
#6 Panthers

NFC Champs: the 49ers will top the Lions(!!!!!!!!!!), and Wayne Fontes will order Take Out fonts

AFC

AFC EAST

Apparently if you’re a team from Miami with a reality show, your team is not very good. Sorry Dolphins (5-11), maybe some other year, like never. The Jets (8-8) have their own reality show, but it’s actual reality, and no one wants to watch it.  The Bills (10-6) will make the Jills cheer a lot, but the Patriots (13-3) are the Patriots and so the Patriots will be the Patriots

AFC NORTH

How are the Browns (3-13) ever going to compete with the Ravens (8-8), Steelers (9-7) or even the Bengals (8-8)?  They won’t, and remain one of 4 teams to never make it to the Super Bowl. America has a lot of problems, and this is the biggest one of them allszz!!!

AFC SOUTH

Colts (6-10) no longer have to suck for Luck, as they will mostly suck with Luck, at least this year, but then again, maybe they won’t. But they probably will, which will once again leave the keys to the division in the hands of the Texans (10-6), while the Blabber Gabberted Jaguars (5-11) and meat Lockered Titans (7-9) make minor blips on a radar no one’s monitoring

AFC WEST

How is Norv Turner still the coach of the Chargers (8-8)? Will this finally be the year he breaks through… back into the unemployment line???? Yes, as the competition is as stiff as Peyton’s neck in a Broncos (8-8) helmet, while the Chiefs (9-7) and Raiders (11-5), yes RAIDERS, take over as top dawgs

Seeds:
#1 Patsies
#2 Raiders
#3 Texans Toast
#4 Steelers
#5 Bill$
#6 Chiefs

AFC Champs: Patriots are the Patriots, but that’s not enuff, as the Texans will be saying, ‘Houston, we DON’T have a problem!’

Super Bowl: San Francisco 28, Houston 24

Super Bowl MVP: Randy Moss???????? stranger things have happened, AND THEY WILL!!!!!!!!!!

perv-iously

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

&

normally this space is reserved for Meaaagggaaan Gooooddde Hooters pics, but we ran out of them, and since there’s now a faux Tessa SeaGal (in place of THE REAL ONE), here’s our new flavroite SeaGal

Brita!!!!