Tag Archives: NFL

Got ’em If You Smoke ’em

taking off for Nawlins and then opening day Natsiesness in Hotlanta.  but relax, I’ll be back soon

chuck bednarik 3

chuck bednarik 5

chuck bednarik

chuck bednarik 2

chuck bednarik autograph

Philadelphia Eagles Chuck Bednarik celebrating an NFL championship win over the Green Bay Packers, with a cigar AND a cigarette, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, December 26, 1960

photo by Herb Scharfman

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Ten Things I Hate About Our Tenth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

our NFL pee view gets smaller and smaller each year.  is it cause the Breadskins endlessly suck?  or that the NFL is kinda predictable, as the same teams always win?  or is it that marriage has taken a toll on my free time?  Actually, I think it’s that the NFL isn’t as fun as it used to be.  too many off the field distractions, and not too much awesomeness on the field.  anywho, here’s a qwik pee view of what’s what for 2015…

NFC

chip kelly

The East is the Eagles for the taking, IF Sam Bradford can stay healthy, and IF Chip Kelly does the wise thing and dress up like a Patriot like his predecessor did

The Packers should run away with the North, and the NFC.  Sure, losing Jordy Nelson doesn’t help, but maybe he’ll be healthy enough to join the Nelson Brothers (Matthew and Gunnar) when they play in Spencer, Wisconsin on December 13th

It pains me to pick the Panthers as the mouths of the South, but the other three teams don’t seem to be going in the right direction, unless that direction is the same name as this division.  I guess you could say that they’ are all heading south for the winter

People are dogging the NFC West, but I say West will be best.  Sure, Marshawn Lynch reunited with Fred Jackson will have the Seahawks running all over their divisionmates, but I see both the Cardinals (Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald’s combined age is 67!!!) AND the Rams (somehow giving Jeff Fisher his 1st winning seasom there) snagging the two Wild Card spots

Seeds

#1 Packers

#2 Seahawks

#3 Eagles

#4 Panthers

#5 Cardinals

#6 Rams

NFC Championship – somehow the Eagles do the impossible, go into Lambeau in January and freeze the hearts of all Packer fans – 31 – 28

AFC

brady

Nothing will deflate the Patriots.  Brady will be more pissed and driven than ever, and kill everything in sight.  Always doesn’t hurt that they play 6 games against dogsh!t teams (within their division) – make that 7, since they play Deadskins too!

So will it be the Browns or the Bengals… who finish in last place?  Actually, the question is, and always is – who wins the North – the Ravens or the Steelers?  Sure, the suspensions and what not will have the Steelers shorthanded at the start, but don’t count these guys out in the long run

The Jags may surprise this year, but they’re still a bunch of Jag-offs, leaving the Colts needing no luck to walk off with the division crown.  Andre Johnson and Frank Gore will find the fountain of youth in Indianapolis, which would be the first thing anyone would find in Indianapolis, one of America’s lamest big citities

I guess I’m all about the West, cause I’m penciling in the Chiefs as head Chefs, with the Broncos (although Manning’s arm will fall off in week 16) and Chargers taking the wild card slotz

Seeds

#1 Patriots

#2 Colts

#3 Chiefs

#4 Steelers

#5 Broncos

#6 Chargers

AFC Championship – nice try Colts, but you run out of luck vs the Patriots, again.  total snoozefest – 45 – 20

Super Bowl – is there anything more boring than another Patriots win?  no, and that’s why the boredom ends, with Chip Kelly and Sam Bradford and the Iggles topping the Patriots by deflating their hearts and their stupid helmet logo 

Eagles 25, Patriots 24

zero super bowl wins no mo!

superbowls zero eagles

wait, stop the presses – the Buffalo Jills are no longer????

oh well, we’ll throw our weight behind and on Eagle cheerleader Megan this season!!!!!!!

megan eagles cheerleader

perv-iously…

Deep Spaced Nine Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

H8-Ashbury Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Bert BlySeven Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

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Deep Spaced Nine Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

is it baseball season yet??? I kid, although I’m more into baseball these days than into football, but dude, FOOOOOOOTBALLL!!!

here’s a pee view of what’s to come, in Uranus…

 

NFC

eli face

NFC East

The Eagles (11-5) are DeSean Jackson-less, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be no Action Jacksoners, as they may actually score 98.5 points a game with Darren Sproles, sproling in backfield next to LeSean McCoy. The Giants (10-6) will prove they are relevant, thus keeping Giants fans hate-loving Coughlin/Eli faces well into the 2015 season. Sorry, but you can’t hate this pair that gave you 2 Super Bowl rings!! The Cowboys (8-8) will be better than expected, but when not much is expected, then expect the unexpected!!! As for my beloved/hated racist Washington Football Team – the Skins (6-10) will flounder with a ‘healthy’ RGKnee, and probably carry on with this refarted experiment until they realize it’s one that won’t ever work/there’s nothing left under his knees. GO BREADSKINS!!!

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers is back and healthy, and with all forgiven with Brett Farve, the Packers (13-3) are primed to crush the competition. The only thing standing in their way is a sex boat scandal, or maybe a moldy cheese scandal. I feel that the Lions (10-6) will get their sh!t together and claim the last playoff spot, leaving the Bears (9-7) on the short end of the stick, and the Vikings (5-11) closer to hell, then Valhalla

NFC South

ryans beach

As long as Drew Brees is under center, the Saints (12-4) will be really fcuking good. It doesn’t matter who he’s throwing to, cause if they have arms, they will score. But can the defense prevent scoring? Not sure if Rob Ryan is the right man for that job, or to even judge a crawfish cookoff, but it may not even matter. The Falcons (8-8) will continue their falCON job of being good on paper, but crappy in reality. They need Jerry Glanville. WE ALL NEED JERRY GLANVILLE!!!!!!! The Bucs (6-10) stop here, and here is Middlingville, the town over from Okayland. And the Panthers (3-13) will finally find out if Cam Newton is Superman or Aquaman – aka sink or swim time!!!

NFC West

It’s raining Skittles for the champs, and the Seahawks (12-4) will prove all the stats wrong by not only getting back to the playoffs, but going deep into them. Joining them will be their enemy to the south – the 49ers (11-5), who will dazzle on the field, and in the stands, with a hot new stadium that’s not very close to San Fran, but will have beers served in Levi denim cups!! The Cards (8-8) won’t be making much of a move anywhere, but they really should juss give their name back to St Louis, whose Rams (2-14) wish they were anyone but themselves. They shoulda kept Michael Sam, only so they’d still be in the news come October

 

Seeds

#1 Packers

#2 Seahawks

#3 Saints

#4 Iggles

#5 49ersers

#6 Lions

NFC Championship – Seattle goes far, until they have to go on the road and realize that 11 is no 12, as their 11 won’t top the Packers‘ 11

pack to the future

AFC

AFC East

danc guy

Is there anything is be more predictable and boring than this division? Maybe even the Patriots (12-4) are sick of themselves, but until old fogeys Brady and Bill a checks out, this is their kingdom to rule. Pity poor Buffalo (6-10), Miami (6-10) and der Jets (6-10), who all tie for who cares

AFC North

blount blunt

Don’t know how it came to this, but I somehow have the Steelers (13-3) not only back atop the North, but king of all the AFC. Guess they’ll be riding high with Bell & Blount, smoking blunts, and riding around in a puff of smoke and mirrors, like they were Bam Morris or something. Marvin Lewis & that redheaded QB get the Bengals (10-6) back into the playoffs, but another first round exit will have them looking for the exit door themselves. The Ravens (8-8) – nevermore, and the Browns (5-11), wishing they were big like Josh Baskin. Poor Browns. One of these years

AFC South

Amazing how the Colts (12-4) can dump Peyton Manning and somehow be even betterer, but they have a lot of LUCK. HA HA HA HA. Er, um, uh, I do say. Is that hearsay or Irsay, who is so rock n roll, that he totally rocks, even with a DUI, cause he doesn’t have any IOUs. Huh? COLTS!!! And the Texans (6-10), Jags (6-10), and Titans (5-11)??? DOLTS!!!

AFC West

Der Broncos (10-6) not only have Peyton, but they have the ghost of Robin Williams cheering them on. Wanna bet against either of thems?? Didn’t think so. Their only chief concern are the Chiefs (9-7), who will show that last year was no fluke, even if they were kinda flukey, and get their playoff revenge on the Colts, by coming back from a 28 point deficit to beat them in the first round of the playoffs. The Chargers (8-8) spin their wheels, while the Raiders (3-13) try the two headed RB monster that is MJD and DMC, which = S.U.C.K.

 

Seeds

#1 Steelers

#2 Broncos

#3 Colts

#4 Pats

#5 Bengals

#6 Chiefs

AFC Championship – It’s curtains for the Steelers when they face the Broncos, who are out to prove that Eli isn’t the best Manning

Super BowlPeyton IS better than Eli, and gets his 2nd ring, as the Broncos topple the Packers 39 to 31. Your Super Bowl MVP is super Denver WR rookie Cody Latimer, cause I said so

 

enjoy the season, and stay Saintsational!!!!!!!!!!!

saintsational

perv-iously…

H8-Ashbury Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Bert BlySeven Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

 

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H8-Ashbury Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

the NFLz is back.  NF-eeeellllllls YEAHHHH!!  

here’s a pee view of what’s to come, in yo pants…

 

NFC

rgknee

NFC East

RGIII turned the Skins (10-6) from NFC Least into NFC Beasts, and will continue to do so this year (unlesssss he goes back to being RGKnee), against the coughing Coughlin Giants (8-8) and un-wow Cowboys (8-8), who hired a new offensive coordinator, which will make zero difference and juss put Jerry Jones on the defensive, when they fail to do anything, again. The Eagles (6-10) won’t be a tragedy nor a comedy, but maybe a tragi-comedy.  Depends on if Chip Kelly lets the dogs out and Vick gets dogged by the dogs in the dog days of summer wearing Big Dog t-shirts

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers was lied to by his boy and restaurant co-owner Ryan Braun, meaning he’ll never be able to trust half-Jewish people ever again.  His new found half-anti-semitisim will propel his Packers (9-7) over the Jason-Hanson-less Lions (8-8) and cold-Cutler Bears (7-9) and whomever is leading the Vikes Vikes (7-9)

NFC South

Bountygate is a thing of the past, and so be the Saints (11-5) sucking.  THEY BACKKKKKKKK and Payton and Brees will play no defense and score enuff offense to make us believe that it’s 2009 all over again.  The Falcons (8-8) blow, but will slip into the playoffs so they can blow it in the 1st round, cause thats what they do, even if thats’s not what they did last year, but Matt Ryan will never win anything.  The Bucs (8-8) will be one win less dreadful than last year and the Panthers (4-12) will be the worst team in the NFL, but mainly cause they STILL have the most ugly color combo in the world

NFC West

The Seahawks (11-5) are unbeatable at home, and will prove to be juss as tuff on the road like Charles Kuralt, and prove to be slightly tuffer than last year’s darling the 49ers (10-6).  Once again leaving the Rams (7-9) and the Cards (7-9) to be two teams that the people of St Louis no longer give a sh$t about.  But hey, at least St Louis’ gotz this!

fisher stache

 

Seeds

#1 Seatalks

#2 Aints

#3 Redskins

#4 Greenskins (that’s what my niece used to call the Packers)

#5 49ersers

#6 Falcants

NFC Championship – Seattle proves their wools-worths, but the Saints are back and bounty quicker picking uppering their way back to the Super Bowl!!!

bounty-rosie

AFC

buttfumble2

AFC East

It’s still New England‘s (9-7) playground to be the bully of, but Buffalo (7-9) and Miami (7-9) are closing the gap between complete awfulness and less awfulness.  But those Jets (5-11), oh those Jets, they still trying to wipe up after buttfumblegate, and that leaky butt aint closing anytime soon.  RUNNY POOP!

AFC North

The Ravens (9-7) may not be the same dudes who won the Super Bowl last year, but they have less annoying murderers on their team, and Torrey Smith will still catch five 80+ yard TDs and they will slightly edge out the Steelers (9-7) and the less poopy Browns (8-8) and the hard-knock lifed Bengals (7-9).  But for the love of gob, can the Browns just make it to one Super Bowl, PLEASSSSSSSSSSE.  And how bout winning one too???  America needs that, and I could too

Browns WIN

AFC South

Hate this division, cause they all feel like expansion teams that no one should care about, but alas, we have to care cause they in the NFL, but we mainly hate em cause we always predict the Texans (11-5) to do good things and they never come thru, and I guess we’re doing it again, but adding the Colts (10-6) into the mix, with the Titans (6-10) remaining unremberable and the Jags (5-11), jagging off.  Wait, why do all of the teams in this division have some sort of blue in their color combos?  They should put the Panthers into this division and then throw this division away in the color garbage

AFC West

Peyton’s Place is with the Broncos (10-6), and he’s gotz the weapons (white WRs – SHOCKING!) AND rap songs, and JUSS enuff stuff to hold off the new look Chiefs (9-7), and the not so close and no cigar Chargers (8-8) and not so much of anything Raiders (7-9).  But the only thing that truly matters is if they’ll get new Kansas City coach Andy Reid to don a headdress, like they somehow got him to slip his fat body into a Philly patriot outfit.  Dare to dream

andyreid_chief

 

Seeds

#1 Tejasans

#2 John Denver

#3 Pats vs Genos

#4 cRavens

#5 Dolts

#6 KC mastepieces

AFC Championship – Peyton’s Broncos end up up-ending his former team, the Colts (OH THE IRONY!), to make it back to a Super Bowl where…

Payton crushes Peyton’s hopes, AGAIN (oh the irony?).  History CAN repeats itselves – the Giants beat the Pats two times in Super Bowls and bored us to death, so why not this?

Saints 31, Broncos 27

Drew Brees is yer Super Bowl MVP, and Manatee Tai-Yo gets dumbest dipshit idiot ever

 

enjoy the season, and go Bills!  Jills!

buff jill

perv-iously…

Bert BlySeven Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

 

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