Thighs Wide Shut

Red
Spies Like Rust
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Look, it’s old famous people shooting guns!!!!  Sweeeeet  …for all of about 10 minutes!!!!!!  A bit more fun than The Expendables, and a lot lot lot less fun than The Losers, Robert Schwentke‘s movie adaptation of the Red comic mini-series is nothing more than an incredible collection of incredible actors sitting around twiddling their thumbs/guns, as the flick goes from zero to one in 111 minutes.  That ‘one’ is a killer lil shoot-out bit toward the beginning of the film [watch it here], and after being treated to that kind of tongue-in-cheek redonkey-donkness, we’re denied anything else equally as yummy the rest of the way.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

There’s some sort of plot about a plot against some former CIA and military peoples, like Bruce Willis (he keeps getting more dashing with age, and skinnier too?), Morgan Freeman (somebody free this man from schlock like this!), John Malkovich (the movie’s lone bright spot, but there’s not nearly enuff time dedicated to his character) and Helen Mirren (why isn’t she a ‘Dame’ yet?).  And while the plot and the plot never truly thicken or make sense or amount to something worth caring about, we have to watch them get ‘chased’ around America by Karl Urban (love this guy) and his superior Rebecca Pidgeon (wait, is this a Mamet movie?).  Throw in a civilian love interest for Willis in the cuteness form of Mary-Louise Parker (strutting her smile, which is something she never does on Weeds), some help from the always boisterous Brian Cox and hindrance from the always annoying Richard Dreyfuss, and Red sounds like it should glow bright… red, but it doesn’t, cause it’s more like pink, and therefore needs sum mo cooking before it could be considered well done instead of well dumb, and not dumb in a fun or good way

Getting Graphic: enuff with comics and especially graphic novels getting turned into live-action snoozers.  why not keep the graphic stuffs graphical?  worked like a charm and then some for Persepolis.  might we suggest that Art Spiegelman’s Maus go that route?  Holocaust + comics = Oscar gold, right?

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Red blushes today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Machete
A Cut Below The Rest
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Grindhouse blew, except for the faux trailers.  One of them trailers stood out above the rest.  It was Machete, starring Danny Trejo, Jeff Fahey and Cheech Marin.  Robert Rodriguez figured it would be a good idea to turn his trailer into a full length feature.  We were mad in love with the trailer to his movie based on a trailer, but mainly cause it hinted at the return of Lindsay Lohan hotness!!  So what could go wrong, and ended up going wrong???  Plain and pimply: it didn’t feel nearly enuff grinhousey + there was too much Michelle Rodriguez, and WAAAAAAAAAY too much Jessica Alba, and not enuff nudity, and moist importantly, not enuff Machete/Trejo using a machete.  He should have used the machete to cut the script in half!!  Casting Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal and Don Johnson was inspired, but not inspiring.  End of movie promises that Machete will return.  For everyone’s sake, we hope he gets cut in half off-screen and we get a full length version of Catholic High School Girls In Trouble instead [NSFW]

The Manzana Doesn’t Fall Far From The Trejo: Gilbert Trejo has a long road ahead of him, if he ever wants his face to be as lived in as his father Danny’s is

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Machete is currently coming to a grindhouseing halt at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Never Let Me Go
Spare Parts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We could stare at Carey Mulligan and her imperfect perfect lil British face 4evers.  She’s more adorable than a child hugging a teddy bear in a field of sunflowers graced by 9 rainbows.  We never want to let her go!!  Amazing how only 5 years ago she was 2nd (or maybe even 5th) fiddle to Keira Knightley, playing one of her sisters in Pride & Prejudice (we were charmed by Mulli back then, well before any of yous was!!!!), and now the food chain is reversed with Carey as top dog, as seen in Mark Romanek‘s (director of the über-creepy über-awesome One Hour Photo) film version of Kazuo Ishiguro‘s novel Never Let Me Go

The trailer purty much gives away the goods, about young students being groomed at a posh school (headed by classy dean Charlotte Rampling) for something other than being model citizens when they’re adults.  SPOILLLSLSLLSERS ALERTS!!!  One rogue teacher (Sally Hawkins) spills the beans to her students that their actually being raised for vital organ donations, to end diseases and save lives!!!  But love gets in the way for students Mulligan, Knightley and the spastic Andrew Garfield (your next Peter Parker/Spider-Man), and they quickly realize that they don’t want to have their lives cut short.  You’d think they’d want to run away, but they don’t.  They simply stay in place and let whatever happens happen, and that’s the main problem with this beautiful, yet emotional devoid flick.  The characters are helpless, but don’t really help themselves, and in turn don’t really help the audience engage in their struggle.  It’s like Logan’s Run-ning on Empty, and with no cheesy sci-fi robots, like Box!!!

Our (Doppel)Gäng(ers): there be some mad casting geniuseses out there, especially when it comes to Carey Mulligan movies.  in An Education, they rightfully cast older look-a-like Cara Seymour as her mum, and in Never Let Me Go, found a gem in younger look-a-like Izzy Meikle-Small!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Never Let Me Go is currently stalled in NY & LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Heartbreaker
(L’arnacoeur)
A Comédie Romantique That Sounds & Looks
Better Than An American Equivalent
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Romain Duris is so hot.  So is Vanessa Paradis, gap teeth and all!!!!  Wonder what dem sparks would be like if the two ever let em fly???  Hold yer mares ma mères!  We all want the same thing here, but in Pascal Chaumeil‘s paint by numbers rom-com, yer gonna have to wait a long time for that happen, cause you see, Duris isn’t meant to be with Paradis or her pair of dats.  That would go against his profession: a ladykiller for hire (that’s murderer of the heart, in a good way), who never completely slays the lady, juss makes em putty in his hands, but never touches em, juss makes em happy, and then moves onto the next job.  He’s got game (enter montage of the master at work!), but his next assignment is a dooooozzy, Mrs Johnny Depp!!

Oh course he has zero interest in his latest mark at first, but do you think for a second that he won’t change his mind and lose it in the process?  Paradis is due to marry a bland American (bland American Andrew Lincoln), but her father (Jacques Frantz) doesn’t approve and contracts Duris to dur his wurst/best to get daughter to forget all about the bland American.  Let the hijinks begin, with sum helpful help from sis (Julie Ferrier) and her silly hubby (François Damiens), all goings on in a luscious Monaco backdrop to booooot.  What happens next is more predictable than Fred Armisen leaving Elisabeth Moss for blonder ambitions.  Yet this romantic-comedy wasn’t made in America, and thus is free of the usual trappings/dog droppings that litter many a Julia/Reese/Jennifer/et al pointless vehicles, and thus Heartbreaker is non-alarming, free of smarming, and nuttin but charming!!!  We are under your amour spell!  Get it, under amour?!?!?! Amour or less puns????

Gap Genes!: someone did our work for us… 10 Celebs Who Look Great With Gap Teeth

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Romantics
Wedding Boos
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What do you get when Dawson‘s Joey (Katie Holmes) and a bitchy Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) fight over Fergie’s hubby (Josh Duhamel, another bland American), while Seth Cohen (Adam Brody), Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood), Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen), our future wife (Malin Ã…kerman), and two others (Jeremy Strong & Rebecca Lawrence) stand around and watch, over a Big Chilled wedding upside-down caked weekend on Long Island?  Young lust, long yawns, clichés removed from the dust!  Felt like we’ve seen Galt Niederhoffer‘s movie/J Crew ad a zillion.7 times before, but with less TVish actors!  Don’t bother wit dis, but bother yerself to finally see Rachel Getting Married, a flick we’re STILL hungover from, cause we had such an effin blast at da party!

Holmes Body: still, we were happy to see Katie H backs on the big screen, which helped pave the way for this stunning Jackie-O inspired NY Mag cover!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Heartbreaker throbs and The Romantics barely beats this Friday in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

…but not as well clothed as Holmes’ butt slice!!!!!

Scott Pilgrim vs The World
8-Bit More Than It Can Chew
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Remember this lil maddening Nintendo send-up/mash-up/cracks-we-up?  What a wonderful, colorful and inventive way to spend 8.5 minutes!!!!!  Same could be said of the similar pixelated terrain of Edgar Wright‘s screen version of the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels.  But what of the remaining 1 hour and 45 minutes? Tedious, repetitive, uninteresting.   Waiting for our titular hero (Michael Cera) to fight and (of course) beat level boss/evil ex-boyfriend after level boss/evil ex-boyfriend (Chris Evans, Brandon Routh, Jason Schwartzman, etc + one ex-girlfriend, Mae Whitman) had us screaming internally for ‘game over’ to flash on the screen as soon as Atarily possible.  No matter how many 1-ups Pilgrim gets on his quest, the film never 1-ups itself into new territory, even if that singular territory is inspired, fun and a place we’d like to play in… for 8.5 minutes!!!!!

Urgggggh!!!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe there needed to be more real-worldedness ala The Wizard!  Maybe there should have been more things for the supporting cast (Kieran Culkin, Mark Webber, Alison Pill, Anna Kendrick, et al) to do besides make ironic smirks and be all malaise-y (esp Aubrey Plaza, who’s a pro at malaise-y.  so much so that she may end up with a career more one-noted than Cera’s).  Maybe Scottie P spent too much time slayin’ dragons, chasin’ waterfalls and tiltin’ at windmills, and not nearly enuff time building up the actual relationship he so desires with his beloved Ramona Flowers (our once and future wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead, with anime eyes that won’t and we hope, will never quit!!!).  There’s more time devoted to destroying his relationship with Knives Chau (Ellen Wong) AND forgetting his one with Envy Adams (Brie Larson) than anything resembling quality time with Flowers (smiles and heart kisses don’t suffice!).  Their love grows with artificial sweetness, but sometimes substitutes aren’t better than the real thing!!!  Pilgrim, leave Plymouth and do not collect 200 bonus points!!!!

Out With The Old & Always In With The MEW: Mary Elizabeth Winstead may be new to you, but she’s MEW to us, and with this pic from the flick, MEOOOOOOW for one and all!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Pilgrim is currently may deflowering at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…