South By SouthWurst

What’s got 4 thumcredible faux trailers, 15 glorious minutes of a chick with a gun for a leg, and 20 minutes of thrillin car stunts? The 3 hour and 11 minuted overbloated double feature Grindhouse from virtuosos Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Now I’m no math major or Lee Majors for that matter, but 40 or so worthwhile minutes leave about 2 and 1/2 hours of undesirable viewing, which I’d like to dub Snoozehouse. So how did it all go so wrong? For starters, I knew we were in for stormy weather when Tarantino himself was credited as an actor in both films! The only time his thespian chops were put to good use was when he was killed early on in Reservoir Dogs

It’s nice that the two directors wanted to pay homage to shitty movies from the 70s, but did they really need to bore us beyond belief in the process? While Rodriguez’ George A. Romeroishhhhh Planet Terror joint is miles and kilometers above Tarantino’s Girl Talk party Death Proof, both are easily the wurstest and mos disappointing efforts they’ve committed to celluloid. If they really wanted to make Grindhouse a success, they shoulda gone all sketch-y and made Kentucky Fried Movie 2 . Hell, A Fistful of Yen was no Citizen Kane, but it was also the longest bit of KFM, clockin in at around 31 minutes

Unsatisfied with this? wait til next year when the fab faux trailer Machete gets turned into a full blown movie (and ends up being the bestest straight-to-video film since Idiocracy)?

When 1 Becomes 2: word has it that due to the weak showing at the US BO, the one film will be split into two when released overseas!

Who Would You Rather Bang: Zoë Bell or Zoë Ball?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges••
until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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