Thighs Wide Shut

Inside Job
The Numbers Don’t Add Up
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Hey, were you aware that the US’ economy almost collapsed, but didn’t, but the poor still got even poorer and the rich still got even richer????  Of course you did and therefore you have no reason to see Charles Ferguson‘s doc (with narration by Matt Damon) that aims to set the record straight with the 5 Ws, but this thing hactually sets the record less straighter, and it’s also ratherz boringszz.  Boo!!  Mad boo, hispecially since Fergie’s No End In Sight helped to put the Iraq quagmire into much needed perspective.  BUT, if yer really hard up for bar graphs and watching interviewees squirm in their seats (why and how do these people allow themselves to be interviewed in the first place), then hire this Job.  Otherwise, take it and shove it

More Capital Ideas: skip Job and Netflix Capitalism: A Love Story or American Casino instead.  and if you really want yer eyes opened, do whatever you have to do to watch Collapse

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Inside Job is currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Love And Other Drugs
Parkinson’s & Ride
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Edward Zwick can’t figure out if he wants his Love & Other Drugs to be a cheesy love story, an insider look at pushing prescription drugs, or a caring tale about living with Parkinson’s Disease.  You can’t have all 3 and make it work, and so it doesn’t, but at least we get to see plenty of Anne Hathaway‘s chest (somewhere the very un-Talented Mr Roto is buying stock in Kleenex and Jergens!!!) + Jake Gyllenhaal will always get a pass in our books for being a boy scout with honor in Zodiac.  As for Oliver Platt, he’s quite the go to annoying, chauvinist pig guy to cast in a role that requires it, no?  Good for him, even if his solid performances are always cringe-worthy.  But what about Josh Gad, who’s basically a younger model of Platt & his roles? First off, who the f#%k is this kid, and secondoff, why does he keep getting cast in movies?  We almost never wanna see a movie that he’s in ever again, solely cause that would mean we’d have to see him again.  Kid doesn’t deserve any love, and we’d need many other drugs if we have to bare with him againnnnnn

Cutie Pie McGee Round 2277643652: flick is loaded with hot, young, fresh, and hot talent, but we’re only gonna choose one to spotlight

meat Kate ‘Easy On The Eyes’ Easton!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Love is currently something Other at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

True Grit
How The West Was Numb
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Is this a Coen Bros movie?  Certainly doesn’t feel like it.  Certainly doesn’t look like it.  Certainly isn’t good enough to be considered one either neither.  You call this a follow-up to the fan/Jew-tastic A Serious Man (wait, how did we not pick that to be the #1 flick of the ’09???)????  Are you serious?  About as un-serious as Yahoo Serious!!

Joel & Ethan’s take on Charles Portis’ novel True Grit (since this isn’t a remake or re-imagining of the Duke starring-Oscar winning ’69 film… which we haven’t seen… yet) is everything short of spectacular.  It’s a decent enuff movie and all, but a decent enuff movie any Tom Shadyac, Dick Marquand or Harry Ramis could have helmed.  It’s as basic as Bounty Basic.  It’s as challenging as playing a game of Uno by yourself.  It’s as clever as Cleveland’s Stadium Mustard.  It’s about as cool as checking into FourSquare, when no one really cares which pad thai place you hit up the most.  Can we recall the mayor???

9reals, is this really a Coen Bros movie?  There was about one total chuckle produced and about zero characters who could live in a Barton Fink world (the guy wearing a bear skin doesn’t count, or matter for that matter).  Like we said, the movie is fine as it is, but by the time it gets going in the third act, you might be working on your 33rd yawn.

Maybe the story itself doesn’t lend itself to any kinda awesomeness, itself: a no nonsense girl’s pa is shot dead, so the sense of non girl (an umemorable Hailee Steinfeld) hires two guns for hire, an eye-patched ruffian deputy (Jeff Bridges, being very un-Dude like, and it works!) and a two-eyed Texas Ranger (Matt Damon with a solid Redford mustache!) to round-up the murdererer (Josh Brolin, with big teef).  Can you guess at how this one turns out?  In between the forgone and forlorn conclusion, there’s some horse riding, eating by campfire, more horse riding, a few guns a fired, and Barry Pepper playing a character with the last name ‘Pepper’.  How exciting are ya?  What if we told you that the Coen Bros directed it?  What if we didn’t and you thought some else did?  Remember how killer their neo-Western No Country For Old Men was?  This was like No Thing To Write Home About For Any Young or Old Man

Dis Claim Her: OK, we hate westerns, but that doesn’t mean we can’t like them.  our mos flavorite western of all time is Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles.  that counts, right?

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

True is false at a theater near jews on December 22nd

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Company Men
Recession Unspecial
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Good luck to those who have to sell a movie about people losing their jobs and finding it hard to find a new one on an American public going thru the same exact conundrum.  We go to the movies to escape our daily lives, not to swim in its misery!  That’s the short of John Wells‘ Company Men, a timely taking stock of where we’re at, but really, who wants to pay to see something like this now?  Well, for those who found Up In The Air a lil too chipper and silly (umm, us, and we guess no one else?), Company is a better dose of reality.  It’s a bland reality, and thus, purty much a bland movie, filled with quality actors doing nuttin but sporting frowny faces:  there’s smuggy Ben Affleck, who goes from playing perfect house with Rosemarie DeWitt to the frowny poor house, and then helping to rebuild houses with his frowny jacka$$ brother-in-law Kevin Costner.  And there’s Chris Cooper, a too old to be rehired bloke, who’s smile is more of a frown than his frown is!  Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t even need to emote sadness, as the wrinkles on his face are like a thousand frowns.  Even the company people doing the downsizing, like Craig T. Nelson and Maria Bello, have nothing to smile about.  We’re hactually frowning as we type this!!  Dangs, someone peas get this movie a job!!!

House As A Life:  the house that Ben & Kevin fix up is a lil history all its own!  according to this site… The Captain House was built in 1804-1807. The basement served as a hiding place for the Underground Railroad. The home across the street was the temporary home of the first president of the United States, George Washington during the Revolutionary War. woah!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Men aren’t much Company starting this Friday for 1 week only in NY/LA and then the rest of America in January

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Morning Glory
Broadcast Snooze?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Rachel McAdams is überly-cheery, Harrison Ford is overly disgruntled, Diane Keaton is lusciously loopy, Jeff Goldblum is really tall and talks like a pompous jackass, and Patrick Wilson is the WASPyiest looking dude that all women want to bang.  Welcome to Morning Glory, where those actors do those things (don’t they always?), under one movie, for which it stands, and it’s like watching Broadcast News meets Working Girl meets a common denominator lower than the lowest common denominator.  Sorry, were you expecting something more?  We weren’t, and thus it met our expectations!!!  Great!!  Not really.  Awful!!!  Not really!!!  Perfectly mediocre nonsense that one day will make for quality afternoon HBO watching?  Egggggzactly!!  So after this & Definitely Maybe, what’s the next Oasis album title turned movie?  A buddy cop dramedy starring David Keith & Keith David called Standing on the Shoulder of Giants???? Why not?!?!?!!

Unwelcome Matt: there’s juss something crazily creepy about actor Matt Malloy that we can never get over and keeps us from ever fully enjoying his work as an actor.  probably stems from his assholedry alongside Aaron Eckhart in Labute’s In The Company of Men.  come to think of it, it’s hard to like Eckhart in anything either cause of Men

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Morning Glory rises and slimes at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

and oh, fellas, if you get dragged to this,
you at least get a piece of this!!!!!