Thighs Wide Shut

Kisses
My Lil Runaways
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Dylan (Shane Curry) and Kylie (Kelly O’Neill) both come from mostly broken homes that happen to be situated right next door to each other.  On one particularly bleak day (is there ever a day that things aren’t bleak in Ireland?), the two decide that they’ve had enough and run off together to the big city, cause anyplace has gots to be better than where they’re already at.  So D & K head to Dublin and things literally go from black & white to colour.  The kids get caught up in minor mischief, and engage in some mature stuff, like chatting with kindhearted prostitutes, drinking beer with Bob Dylan impersonators (Stephen Rea, in an uncredited cameo), being chased by pervs and everything in between, like ice-skating without ice skates!!!

Lance Daly‘s Kisses is as cute and darling as its title would suggest, and that’s due in part whole to its Guinness pint-sized actors.  And while it borrows and blends the plots and themes of Huck Finn & Night of The Hunter, with the dour power of Fish Tank, it never exactly reaches the heights of any one of them.  Still, spending 72 minutes with these Irish spring in their step kids will leave any viewer feeling lucky charmed

Kiss of Life: here be our pics for mos bestest kisses of alls thyme, which doesn’t include Mahir, cause he kiss you

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Kisses puckers up today in NY & LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cyrus
Manchild’s Play
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Apparently you all think Get Him To The Greek was rather hilarious.  We didn’t, we’re 101% correct on this, we stand by our census of humor, and you berated us for it.  Fair enuff, since humor is subjective, and we guess you all like to be subjected to crap.  So what if we were to tell you that there was another Jonah Hill flick released 2 weeks after Greek that contained real laughter, based on realistic situations (no furry walls), had this thing called ‘heart’ and makes one cringe endlessly, and we’re not talking about in the way that Greek‘s freshamoronic script made us cringe.  OK, you get it.  Actually, you don’t and that’s why we’re having this lil chat.  Anywho, the JHill movie in which we speak of is called Cyrus (not to be confused with Angus)

Cyrus is more akin to Step Brothers than it is to The Greek (and we’re not juss saying that cause S Bros is also funny, unlike Greek, which if you didn’t realize, is unfunny).  So imagine Step Brothers, keeping the always vulnerable, always puppy dog pathetic John C. Reilly in the mix, but give him a wee bit more maturity and a lot more insecurity, and instead of Will Ferrell, pit him against a deadpan, dead serious Jonah Hill (they sorta look related, right?).  Change the battle from a parent’s love and attention, to the love of Marisa Tomei (Reilly’s once in a lifetime new ladyfriend, and Hill’s overprotective, yet cool mom with whom he still lives with) and what we have here is one of the better romantic (unintentional?) comedies released in Hollywood in quite awhile.  And why is that so?  Cause Cyrus (and Cyrus the character) is unpredictable, and doesn’t star Katherine Heigl or Mr Demi Moore

Unconventionality is the Brothers Duplass (Jay and Mark)’s calling card, but instead of making juss another one of their meandering mumbling mediocre mumblecore pics, they gots themselves a budget over $10 and bona fide actors to work with for the first time.  If these refreshing results are any indication (this is the film that Greenberg was sorta trying to be, but was too irksome for anyone to truly embrace), please get us to anywhere they’re going and not To The Greek

They’re The Men Now Dawgs:  we’re totally mclovin the flick’s sorta official/unoffical website notmileycyrus.com, which totally reeks of You’re The Man Now UP Dog

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Cyrus billy rays today in NY & LA only and elshwere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

forgot to review these two
so will do as quickly as possible

El Secreto de Sus Ojos
(The Secret in Their Eyes)
Ojos Mojos Rojos!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

It won best foreign language pic at this year’s Oscars. Good for it, cause it is darn good, but not as good as White Ribbon. Are there secrets in their eyes? Yes, and in their beards too!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Casino Jack and
The United States of Money
Greedful Things
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Alex Gibney hates corrupt people. Jack Abramoff is the latest on his shitlist. Guess where this doc goes from here?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Ojos and Jack may still be playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky
The Rites & Wrongs of Spring
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

After watching the so-so Coco Before Chanel, which was filled with nuttin but horse riding and flirting and horse flirting, we were direly curious to find out what actually happened to Coco during Chanel. You know, the period in her life were she designed clothes and became and icon and stuff and things. Director Jan Kounen and writer Chris Greenhalgh‘s Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky is definitely an answer to what we were looking for, maybe not eggzactly THE answer, and so this is what happened during Chanel:

Coco Chanel, as you know, was a designer. Igor Stravinsky, as you may also know, was a composer. One day they cross paths, years pass, then they cross again, and another day after that Igor and his Russian wife and kids move into Coco’s country estate so he can work in peace and then some mo days pass and then one day Igor starts banging Coco and some other day after that Igor’s wife catches wind of it, but there’s not much she can do about it, cause she’s sick (and apparently has no eyebrows), so more lustful days pass and then wifey can’t stands it no mo and stuff and things, and then eventually, mo STUFF and THINGS! Somewhere in there, Chanel #5 is born, and the whole time, Igor has a killer mustache

True to its characters and their tumultuous relationship, the film is both cold and remote, which at times can be disengaging to the viewer. And yet, the film lingers on in our minds, weeks after seeing it. Maybe it’s cause Anna Mouglalis as Coco oozes major league attitude and sexiness, herspecially when compared to what Audrey Tautou did in her shoes. And dear ole Mads Mikkelsen, who’s usually resigned to playing badass bastards, is juss a quiet bastard here. We/I mean, who cheats on a sick wife with no eyebrows (played with much pity & sorrow by Yelena Morozova)??? But he looks so good in a mustache, even though he also looks kinda strange with a mustache, and so we kinda root for him and his mustache

But still, CC & IS left us wanting more of the Coco story. Does this mean we have to wait for Coco after Chanel for the complete picture that we seek?

Mon Chéri Poppin: Anna Mouglalis has eyes that can melt mens thighs

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Coco & Igor make mostly purty music together in NY & LA only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Karate Kid
Kung Fu Pandering
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You’ve got questions and doubts about the new Karate Kid and we’re here to quell your fears by having a conversation wit ourselves:

Is the new Karate Kid better than the old Karate Kid?

Is that even a question? Of course not. The first one was an instant-classic AND introduced us to Billy Zabka, the whitest guy we all loved to hate in the 80s (with much respect to James Spader)

So then, is the new Karate Kid just another one of these remakes/reimagings that have no real purpose for being besides lining pocketbooks?

Sirprizngly it is not. It’s fluff, but the good kind. Moving the action away from America was a good idea, but making the protagonists and antagonists younger boarders on child cruelty. Sometimes it’s a lil uneasy to watch these kids beat up on each other. Then again, it kinda kicked more real a$$ than Kick Ass did

So it’s not awful?

Not in the slightest, although we could have done without the unnecessary love story (with the adorable Wenwen Han) and what seems like endless trips to the countryside and training lessons, which are no ‘paint a fence’ poetic waxing

Can Jaden Smith kick it?

Yes he can, but lets not get all crazy here and say he’s a good actor, cause he’s not. Jaden’s got his dad’s smile and his mum’s gruffness, but he’s a little too full of himself to be considered anything but the son of famous people who gets more breaks than AAMCO

And what about Jackie Chan?

He does the role, and Pat Morita justice. He’s the glue that keeps it all together. Taraji P. Henson (and her bodacious booty) also does us a solid, with the expanded mom role

No Ralph Macchio cameo, no crane kick, no getting him a body bag? No way Jose?

Why go the obvious route, when director Harald Zwart and writer Christopher Murphey pleasurably go their own with Robert Mark Kamen and John G. Avildsen‘s material. Plus Rongguang Yu makes a great asshole sensei and bad boy Zhenwei Wang is even creepier and mo intimidating than Zabka!! ZABKA!!!!!!

Does this deserve a sequel?

Maybe. The original did, but the only good that came out of #2 was the hammazin opening scene that picked up right where #1 left off, and of course, the second greatest Peter Cetera solo song besides ‘The Next Time I Fall’. If #2 does happen, how about Suri Cruise for The Next Next Karate Kid?

Macchio-ismo: Ralph Macchio doesn’t bother with a cameo in the new KK (good for him!), but does one better with Wax On, F*ck Off

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Karate kicks it this Friday at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…