Thighs Wide Shut

The Roommate
Single White Doppelgängers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Just in case you couldn’t tell, Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester look a lot alike… like totally wicked adorable chicks with bright eyes and similar hotness faces!!!  However, they definitely don’t act alike.  One has chops, and the other should be chopped to bits.  Playing with type, Blair Waldorf has the fun mischievous devil role in The Roommate, while Lyla Garrity is stuck with the boring plain angel role.  Obviously the creepy roommate isn’t going to win out in the end, but in this case/flick, we sure wish she did.  Who wants to root for Minka Garrity?   Even if she’s on-screen loving everyone’s mos flavorite jerky badboy Cam Gigandet… who seems to have co-starred with every single Hollywood 20ish Ms thang of the moment (starting with literally driving Marissa Cooper to her death)

Kill her Blair!  C’mon, do it for us all!  And why’d you have to wait til the end of the movie to try and do it???? Sure, sexually harassing Billy Zane (trying to channel that pompous art teacher from Six Feet Under) was nice and all, but not as nice as you sticking some scissors down Mink’s thrizzzzz, and then taking them scissors, cut off all of her pretty hair and make an oven mitt out of it, or something like that, like that!

So how was the movie?  About what you’d expect it to be.  Needed to be far more scarier, campier, more Minka Garrity gets torturederer, but was still kinda dumb fun.  Best thing about it?  When casting directors need to decide between Leighton and Minka for a future role, they can juss pop this baby in and plead NO CONTEST!!  Blair WalDORF’s the competition!!!

Never 5get: from the Thighs Files…

Verdictgo: Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers

Roommate is still bunking it up in theaters, and hits DVD/Blu Ray/streaming land in mid-may

and until the next Blair Waldorf doppelgänger flick co-starring Isabelle Drummond drops…

…the balcony is clothed!

Win Win
Headgear In Neutral
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Thomas McCarthy coulda made his 3rd feature Win Win more of a champion, instead of one that wins by merely playing an exhibition game against a bunch of walkovers, but that’s still OK by us!  Odds are, if you partner up Paul Giamatti with Amy Ryan, and give them pals Jeffrey Tambor and Mc’s muse Bobby Cannavale to crack wise with (+ throw in peeps like Burt Young, Melanie Lynskey and Margo Martindale), yer probably going to a end up with something that resembles a purty decent movie.  It is indeed a decent one, and even more than decent, and probably more than it deserves to be.  Maybe this tale of small town trying to pay the billsness and sheltering of lost baby birds (Alex Shaffer), with wrestling fun on and off the mat, is juss too basic stuff for McCarthy’s talent level.  If you’ve seen his Station Agent or even betterer Visitor then you know that Win Win could have somehow won won more.  How?  Dunno, maybe showing more of David W Thompson‘s winning (not in a Sheen type of way) face???

Foley Artists: Giamatti and Ryan’s adorable lil screen daughter Clare Foley (not this one) sure makes the rounds.  you may have seen her in these commercials or perhaps chilling out with her pumpkin-haired actor brothers LJ, Aidan and Liam! those parents should sell their Oscar worthy sperm by the zillions!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Win Win is currently hittin the mats in NY & LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Limitless
Ride This Baby Sky High
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Do yerself a favor and shut off yer brain as Bradley Cooper ups his IQ quotient in Limitless.  Let him do all the thinking and you’ll be free to sit back and do nothing but udderly enjoy Neil Burger‘s rollercoaster ride of expedited ladder climbing.  Now we’re not saying that this is in any way a smart film, but it’s certainly the most fun we’ve had in a theater in this still young year (those fractal zooms are a real treat for the eyes!).  Plus any movie in this day and age that utilizes Robert De Niro‘s talent, instead of belittling it, has got to be something worth watching, no?  But don’t let his second billing fool you, as he’s not in the movie as much you’d think he would be

So what’s this all about?  Cooper is a writer with a serious case of brain block, and a book deadline beyond past due.  One day, he runs into his skeezy ex-brother-in-law (skeezy Johnny Whitworth) and he offers a solution to his problem, in the form of an unknown designer drug, promised to expand the mind by using all those unused parts.  And so it does, and he finishes his book in record time.  His publisher’s impressed, and now Cooper is too, and wants more of this perfect drug.  Problem be that his ex-bro-in-law got himself murdered, but Cooper finds his secret stash and its off to the races… and riches!!!

He turns his attentions to financial wizardry and starts making bookoo bucks, lickity split.  Finally, all of his wildest dreams are coming true, including the re-swooning of his former flame Abbie Cornish, and the attention of Wall Street bigwigs (DeNiro), but of course all of this is gonna come at a price, right???  How long can he keep this brain game up, and what happens when he runs out of the pills??  And what about that money he borrowed from that ruthless Eastern European dude (a delicious Andrew Howard)?  And why does his ex-wife (Anna Friel) look like a strung-out junkie?  And why might he be headed in that downward direction too????  Forget the questions, and like we said, shut that brain off and simply relish in this hot dog.  Plus yer gonna wanna see one of the bestest AND sillest use of a child’s legs in an action sequence EVER

Neil Burger Should Not Be Confused With: Neil Hamburger? btw, we’re dying to know what Neil Burger thinks of hamburgers

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Limitless is MORE today at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

fractal zoom!!!!!

Jane Eyre
The Fresh Wince of Belle Eyre
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We’ve now sat through two of the 9.237362 bazillion film/TV incarnations of Charlotte Brontë‘s ‘classic’ novel Jane Eyre (which we haven’t read cause we don’t know how to read, yet somehow we magically know how to type words using this computer thingie!), and can now safely say we’re not the hugest fan of the story.  The story is about a girl named… JANE EYRE!!!!  She’s a little orphan (that doesn’t sing or wear red or have a dog or a giant blond fro), who’s been tossed around town like an unwanted bag of used socks covered in pickle juice and urine.  Eventually Ms Unwanted finds employment as a governess at the creepy Thornfield Hall (things go bump in the night there), where the enigmatic Mr Rochester rules the roost… if and when he’s around.  Jane and Rochester strike up something more than an employer/ee relationship, things get serious, things gets weird, Jane leaves, finds peace and salvation with a young clergyman and his sisters and then stuff, and more stuff, cause she can’t keep her mind off of Rochester!!!  Blindmowing, right???  Yeah, if this was maybe the first thing you ever did done saw on Masterpiece Theater!

And yet, we still dig on Ms Eyre.  Maybe cause there’s an air about Eyre.  HOW DARE WE PUN THE HEIR OF EYRE!!!  Anywho, the ’43 edish starring Joan Fontaine and Orson Welles wasn’t all that or thensome or even close to awesome, but we cared cause Joan as Jane with her groans and moans made us moan!  And yes, you know we love Orson, but he hammed it up more than a reunion of Jon Hamm’s family at a Hormel factory that we’re juss gonna have to pretend that he wasn’t in the movie!!!! Gawd hammit!!!!

Director Cary Fukunaga (Sin Nombre) and writer Moira Buffini‘s take on the material fairs munch better than the other one we saw (you tell us how they stack up against the book).  First and not foremost, we don’t hate on black & white pics (cause we’re old fashioned, like how we take our movies, burgers and women), but the color palette here shines udderly heaven-like, even when most of the colors are grays, but these grays glow with radiance!!  But we mainly care for this Eyre cause of the eggsalad acting chops and chemistry that exists between our new Jane, Mia Wasikowska (the next Streep??), and Mr Rochester, Michael Fassbender (he and Henry Cavill are gonna fight for studliest awesome European dude for years to come).  They sizzle together, even if there isn’t much onscreen sizzling to be had (damns yous 1800s!!!)!!!! Plus, they’re supported by the likes of Dame Judi Dench, Sally Hawkins, Jamie Bell and Simon McBurney (we could listen to his voice 25 hrs a day)!!!  Who doesn’t love those peoples???

Anywho part 23456677, yer either into stuffy British costume dramas or yer not.  If you are, inhale this Eyre!  And if yer not, well, stuff you!!!

Every Day’s A Holiday: when yer as fly as Holliday Grainger!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Jane is not plane tomorrow in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Black Death
Plagued Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Off the top of our heads, we don’t recall there being any great ‘plague’ movies, or recall ANY ‘plague’ movies for that splatter, unless you count Lisbeth Salander’s guy Thursday Plague in the Girl Who Tortured Guys Cause She Was Tortured book/movie series.  Well, why aren’t there?  That dang mid-14th century black death pandemic wiped out anywhere from 1 to 2/3rds of Europe’s peoples!!!  Eat that Holocaust (we can say things like that cause we’re Jewishish)!!!  OK, so maybe watching people vomit and make terrible O faces doesn’t scream movie entertainment, but have you seen what’s been passing as movie entertainment these days???

Anywho, director Christopher Smith and writer Dario Poloni‘s cinematic slice of strife during that period with the same name, Black Death, does a purty good job of blending a little bit o’ history and a lot o’ bit of medieval mystery.  We got a wet behind the ear monk (freckle-juiced Eddie Redmayne), who’s devout to his God and superiors (David Warner, who’s looking mighty old), but also to his lady in waiting (the gorgeously adorable Kimberley Nixon.  see way below fo mo!).  And if you know stuff about monks, you know they aint suppose to be getting it on with chicks, unless they’s Art Monk. ART MONK RULESSSS!!!!!!!!!

So the monastery area is getting all black deathy and stuff, and his biznatch decides that it’s time to leave for safer ground, but he’s conflicted and waits for a sign before taking off.  That sign is Sean Bean.  Wait, you mean to tell me that Sean Bean is in a movie where he has a beard, long hair and wields a sword?  Yes, we do, and there aint nuttin wrong with Boromir being Boromir over and over again cause Boromir is never boring-mir!!!  So Beansy and some of his nasty looking mercenary cronies (John Lynch, Andy Nyman, Johnny Harris, Emun Elliott, etc) are on a quest to go to some village in the outerlands that apparently has been spared the plague!!!  SOUNDS INTERESTING!!!  And it is, so the monk sez he’ll join the party and show them the way, and also try to meet up with his honey bunny in the woods, so they can maybe hump like bunnies!!

The journey to the village is like whatevs and not all that notable, but once they finally get there, the time spent there got us thinking that this could be the second coming of the bestness that is The Wicker Man (not the Nic Cage version, although that version is not as awful as you think it is), and it sorta is!!!!  There’s so much MYSTERY as to what’s going on in this village, and what happened to the monk’s sweetie baby honey bunch, and what the deal with town hottie Carice van Houten is, and why she’s so powerful, and like so hot, but luckily for her, none of her doings lead to having poop dumped all over her [NSFW, see bottom row pics for poo]!!  Sweet!!!  And some crazy sh%t goes down (not telling!), and when that’s over, the movie should have ended, but then it goes on, for no good reason, and taking a cue from their mistake, we will stop this review… now!

She Is Not A Crook, Cause She Is So FLY!!! : we were all over Carey Mulligan before anyone, and we were with Kimberley Nixon too, 2 years ago, but she hasn’t exploded movie-wise yet, and that’s a shame! and why can’t America get her Cherrybomb movie, co-starring Ron Weasley & that awesome curly haired dude from Misfits, on DVD yet??? stop keeping this hotness from our shores DVD gods and monsters!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Death semi-defies in NY/LA/MN? this Friday & elsewhere elsewhen, BUT is already available on-demand!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…