Tag Archives: Carice van Houten

They Clive

Intruders
No Face Face Off
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Things with no faces go bump in the night in Juan Carlos Fresnadillo‘s uneven, but very watchable Intruders.  They bump into Clive Owen‘s daughter Ella Purnell and to Pilar López de Ayala‘s son Izán Corchero.  And there’s nothing that they or (Black Book‘s often nekkid)  Carice van Houten, priest (our favorite German actor ever) Daniel Brühl, or unfoxy, but always roxing Kerry Fox can do about it, cause the bumpings may all be in these kids’ minds, or maybe not, or maybe so?!?!?!  And how are these two bumping cases, from two different countries (and languages) related?  They must be cause their stories are told separately, but of course this is a movie, so the two will come together at the end in some sorta nifty package, right?  They do, and when they do, it’s kinda sorta nifty, kinda sorta not, but mostly confusing, and makes this frightening looking, but not all that frightening movie kinda sorta fall apart, maybe?

moral of the story – Intruders had the right ingredients to bake a tasty scary movie cake (this aint no torture porn junk), but it feels kinda 3/4ed baked.  Juss cause something’s edible doesn’t mean you have to eat it, but you can

Verdictgo: a nice-ish try, so a high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Intruders invades theaters in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

can’t tell if this poster is cool or not

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Kimberley Nixon
Bidness With Pleasure

Black Death
Plagued Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Off the top of our heads, we don’t recall there being any great ‘plague’ movies, or recall ANY ‘plague’ movies for that splatter, unless you count Lisbeth Salander’s guy Thursday Plague in the Girl Who Tortured Guys Cause She Was Tortured book/movie series.  Well, why aren’t there?  That dang mid-14th century black death pandemic wiped out anywhere from 1 to 2/3rds of Europe’s peoples!!!  Eat that Holocaust (we can say things like that cause we’re Jewishish)!!!  OK, so maybe watching people vomit and make terrible O faces doesn’t scream movie entertainment, but have you seen what’s been passing as movie entertainment these days???

Anywho, director Christopher Smith and writer Dario Poloni‘s cinematic slice of strife during that period with the same name, Black Death, does a purty good job of blending a little bit o’ history and a lot o’ bit of medieval mystery.  We got a wet behind the ear monk (freckle-juiced Eddie Redmayne), who’s devout to his God and superiors (David Warner, who’s looking mighty old), but also to his lady in waiting (the gorgeously adorable Kimberley Nixon.  see way below fo mo!).  And if you know stuff about monks, you know they aint suppose to be getting it on with chicks, unless they’s Art Monk. ART MONK RULESSSS!!!!!!!!!

So the monastery area is getting all black deathy and stuff, and his biznatch decides that it’s time to leave for safer ground, but he’s conflicted and waits for a sign before taking off.  That sign is Sean Bean.  Wait, you mean to tell me that Sean Bean is in a movie where he has a beard, long hair and wields a sword?  Yes, we do, and there aint nuttin wrong with Boromir being Boromir over and over again cause Boromir is never boring-mir!!!  So Beansy and some of his nasty looking mercenary cronies (John Lynch, Andy Nyman, Johnny Harris, Emun Elliott, etc) are on a quest to go to some village in the outerlands that apparently has been spared the plague!!!  SOUNDS INTERESTING!!!  And it is, so the monk sez he’ll join the party and show them the way, and also try to meet up with his honey bunny in the woods, so they can maybe hump like bunnies!!

The journey to the village is like whatevs and not all that notable, but once they finally get there, the time spent there got us thinking that this could be the second coming of the bestness that is The Wicker Man (not the Nic Cage version, although that version is not as awful as you think it is), and it sorta is!!!!  There’s so much MYSTERY as to what’s going on in this village, and what happened to the monk’s sweetie baby honey bunch, and what the deal with town hottie Carice van Houten is, and why she’s so powerful, and like so hot, but luckily for her, none of her doings lead to having poop dumped all over her [NSFW, see bottom row pics for poo]!!  Sweet!!!  And some crazy sh%t goes down (not telling!), and when that’s over, the movie should have ended, but then it goes on, for no good reason, and taking a cue from their mistake, we will stop this review… now!

She Is Not A Crook, Cause She Is So FLY!!! : we were all over Carey Mulligan before anyone, and we were with Kimberley Nixon too, 2 years ago, but she hasn’t exploded movie-wise yet, and that’s a shame! and why can’t America get her Cherrybomb movie, co-starring Ron Weasley & that awesome curly haired dude from Misfits, on DVD yet??? stop keeping this hotness from our shores DVD gods and monsters!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Death semi-defies in NY/LA/MN? this Friday & elsewhere elsewhen, BUT is already available on-demand!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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