first look at Emma Stone as Sally Bowles in Cabaret

this, again and 9ever. PRAISE PEABSUS!!!

Magic In The Moonlight
Medium Medium
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 98 min

Woody Allen loves the 20s(/30s). Disclaimer – SO DO I!!! Woody is a man who made his mark making very contemporary movies, but some of his more memorable ones travel back to that time – Purple Rose of Cairo, Sweet & Lowdown (a personal fav), Bullets Over Broadway & sorta Midnight In Paris. His latest – Magic In The Moonlight – transports him and us back to them delovely jazzy-bobbed times, and it may be the Woodman’s weakest entry of the ye olden times lot – but hey, LOOK AT THAT LOT!!!

The scenery is nice in the background (the south of France!) and the foreground – Hamish Linklater, Eileen Atkins, and Simon McBurney (love his voice SO much) add to the mild fun – and it’s a Woody Allen movie, so you probably already know if yer gonna see it or not, magical or not. Abracadab-DUH!

Verdictgo: as a movie movie? Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers, but as a Woody Allen movie? Jeepers Worth A Creepers!

Moonlight shimmys today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Gangster Squad
The Un-Untouchables
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 113 min

Gangster Squad is gangster garbage… that looks nice.  Hate to say it, cause it’s so awful to say, but this movie needed more human tragedies to happen in order to keep it out of theaters.  Then again, watching Emma Stone’s eyes on a giant screen can make any terd look like a diamond

here’s how the movie went down, in gif form

Sean Penn yells and uses his fingers a lot.  He keeps saying that he owns Los Angeles, but nobody cares except for Josh Brolin’s stupid face

what Sean Penn forgot to mention is that he looks like a sh!tty cross between Dick Tracy’s Flattop & Mumbles

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enter Emma Stone, who is SMOKING

HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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the LAPD be like we need to stop Sean Penn so we need a squad – A GANGSTER SQUAD!!!

throw me a shotgun, cause that’s what gangster squads do!!

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but how are they gonna stop Sean Penn when he so angry about how bad his fake nose looks?!?!?!

and why did he need a fake nose? his normal nose is good enuff to be a bad nose

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and he so pissed that Emma & Ryan are gosling

but America would have Stone-Gosling love in every movie if Hollywood would only give it to us in every movie. GIVE IT TO US HOLLYWÃœRST!!!

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man, Sean Penn is SOOOOO pissed cause the movie’s script is so AWFULLLLLLLLLLL

lines like ‘I’m a cop, and I carry a badge, and I serve AND protect, and {insert clunky generic 40s cop talk here}‘

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Gangster Squad sure has their work cut out for them

better throw me some more shotguns to stop angry Penn!!!

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although you cannot stop angry Sean Penn, you can only hope to contain him

but how do you stop this movie?

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but please never stop Emma Stone being Emma Stone

every man on earth would fcuk her. even gay dudes would

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if that recap made zero sense, that’s what it’s like watching this movie.  The guy who wrote the screenplay is also penning the plays of screen for Lethal Weapon 5, The Justice League + the Logan’s Run remake. heaven AND hell help us.  someone needs to gangster squad his writing hands!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Gangster Squad is currently the angriest Sean Penn movie at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Amazing Spider-Man
Re-Turn Off The Dark
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

No single person was like, WE NEED MORE SPIDER-MAN MOVIES, AND DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO GIVE US NEW ONES, LIKE, NOW, and like get rid of the original director, cast, pie eating so goodness, and start over with lesser talents, and literally start over with a movie that tackles Spider-Man’s origin story, again.  Granite, the Sam Raimmii version lost steam by the time it came and went to #3, so we can see why a re-boot was re-booted, but did it need to be re-booted so soon? RE-BOOOOOT??!??!?!

If you can somehow forget all about Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker, you will remember Andrew Garfield as the same dude, doing pretty much the same things. And while Marc Webb‘s take on the Spidey world certainly doesn’t weave new and unique webs, it certainly takes viewers back to the excitement and fun that was felt after seeing Tobey-Spidey #1.  Yep, this Spidey is the best Spidey since Spidey movie #1, cause we don’t remember anything about Spidey #2 & #3, cept the pie eating so goodness

OK, ok, ok, so Spidey 4’s villain (Rhys Ifans as a one-armed professor turned annoying lizard with Rhys Ifans’ voice) feels stoopid, looks stoopid, and is stoopid, but WHO CARES (we’ll, we did care a little, cause we kinda hated any scene involving the lizard)!!!!  Cause Andrew Garfield has more fun being Peter Parker than Tobey’s dead-eyed stare did, and we had more fun watching him as him than him as him!!  It’s ture!!!  And there’s no first dance for Mary Jane Watson here, juss plenty of hot exposed knee action from Emma Stone as Peter’s 1st love Gwen Stacy, and although she doesn’t have that much to do, but be hot and be related to Denis Leary, and be really hot, and like be SUPER HOT, but who cares, cause she’s so hotttttttt and we’d take her over Dunst anywaysdays.  The only knock on her performance was that she didn’t have a 90 minute shower scene.  Basterds!!!!  HOLLYWÃœRST, WHY DO YOU HATE SHOWER SCENES??!?!?  THOMAS EDISON INVENTED MOVIES SO HE AND WE COULD WATCH MOVIES WITH WOMEN SHOWERING!!!!!  STOP PISSING ON TOM ED’S GRAVE!!!!!  GIVE US US SHOWER SCENES!!!

moral of the story – they gave us a new Spider-Man, even if we didn’t want it, and while it may not be a Christopher Nolanesqueish funky-fresh take on the material, it is kinda fresh, and it has the best of the best Stan Lee cameos, and Martin Sheen is realllllly good, before he gets plugged [UNSPOILER ALERT!!], and Sally Field is OK, and it’s nice to see Hollywood hire Irrfan Khan, cause we love hearing him talk, and moist importantly, they employed…

C.Thomas Howell!!!!!:

C THOMAS HOWELL IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey slings it at a theater near jews tomoorow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…