Thighs Wide Shut

Inspired by the WaPo and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be in the mix in ’06, besides Raymi

OUT	IN
Peter Jackson	Jack Peterson
Squeezable Mayo	Squeezable Relish
Dime Bags	Penny Loafers
Poo	Poop
Eli Manning	Taryn Manning
Beta Testing	Betamax
Mock Turtlenecks	Ookla the Mok
Big Bang Theory	Gang Bang Theory
SXSW	NXNW
Mark Cuban	Cubano Sandwiches
The Truffle Shuffle	The Ickey Shuffle
Steven Soderbergh	Sod
S&L	SNL
Blogs	The Troggs
Rachael Ray	Paula Deen
Neighborhoodies	Footies
Pink	Black
Cliff Engle	Cliff Notes
Gay Cowboys	Gay Redskins
Da Da Vinci Code	646 Area Code
TMs	BMs
Vagina	China
Books On Tape	Tape On Books
Prof McGonagall	Prof Plum
Rumors On The Internets	Rumors On The Brailles
Tomkat/Bennifer/Brangelina	Bosom
Dakota Fanning	Ariel Gade
Ghanaria	Hare Rama, Diorama
July	April
Arnold Palmers	Shirley Temples
Handrying	Receiving Bacon
Barnes & Noble	Borrowing From The Library
Cheryl Hines	Ciarán Hinds
LOL	El Al
Jesus	Arslan
Grey’s Anatomy	Gray’s Papaya
Andy Rooney	Ed Rooney
Hating Jews	Hating Jews
Pixar	Flip Books
Sio Bibble	Wearing Bibs
Nip Slips	Slit Nips
The OC	The REAL OC
Tapas Bars	Topless Bars
Sofia Lidskog	Kelly Miyahara
Saving Africa	Singing ‘Africa‘
Ben Stein	Palestine
The Walrus Was Paul	The Walrus Was Mike Holmgren
Brunch	Flunch
Regifting	Ree-Yees
Rusty Trombones	Rusty Kuntz
David Keith	Keith David
Recockulous	Retaintulous
Flizzm Jizzum	Russian Dressing
Oompa Loompas	Koopa Troopas
The Neverending Baseball Season	The Neverending Story II
Sufjan Stevens	‘Suffragette City‘
Microwaved Tunafish	Microwaved Gefilte Fish
Alba’s Ass	Alba’s Abs

Wud up wit the whoreingness ways of The Kid, as seen in our logo? He’s not only the face of The American Undershirt (now d-funct), but apparently has been moonlighting as the poster child of evil incarnate over at Family.org. Is he not satisfied with the life contract he signed with Thighs Wide LLC? Has he been consorting with superjerkagent Drew Rosenhaus? I even got em a date with Van Dame Dakota Fanning and this is the spanks he gives me? Look kid, like all the Ladies of Thighs, you too could get yer walking papers at any minute I’m drinking Minute Maid. So shape up or ship shup or shavel shnazle Shavlik Randolph. And that can mean only two things. One: INVASION. And Two: Paris Hilton is the 5th coming of HER ROYAL THIGHNES?#?!@#??@$ [via Alfie and Warwick Davis the III]

• CC the IV could not be reached for comment cause she was too busy appearing in fake NSFW photoshopness

• Ms Dunst and The NY Times are the latest to join the largest growing ultra gay ultra stencil font using political group: The Pink Party. Just don’t eggspect Andy Rooney to log on anytime soon… or to hang out with ‘negros’ either

• Gaius Julius Caesar loves fine women and wine, and offing Palestinian terrorists, with the help of his Hebraic buddies, the Hulk and 007… as seen in the FIRST Spielbergo Munich trailer

• Spiders have all the luck

• The skimpy black apron thingie kinda makes up for the overspraytannedness

• Lowell, the Sandman [via Pakula Shaker]

• Chances are it’s not going to be “up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.” …and at least it’s not Just Like Heaven: The RPG

• Why does my body jerk when I’m falling asleep?

• Why do I jerk off before I fall asleep?

• Free passes to Lord of the Rings Lite and Lame Ass Pseudo Graduate sequel

• Since I was wrong dead wrong about the odds I set last week, I’m going to go ahead and ruin the ending of Jarhead for ya: ‘Jesus Walks’ plays over the closing credits… review 4thcummin

• The Ali G NBA spots

• Speaking of… BestAdsOnTv.com

• The Ultimate Movie Meal Menu

• Almost more eggciting than a game of Ironman Ivan Stewart’s Super Off Road

• Miss McDonald, E-I-E-I-OMG

• And in clothing, SCLAPPY PAPPYpapsmear BURSTDAY TO ME!! Give me gifts and maybe I’ll add you to my Guy Fawkes Day greeting card distribution list next year. If not, fork you and the horse you banged last weekend. Anywhozits, enjoy these here pics of Winnie Cooper in Leia Episode IV gear…

BILL GATES ADMITS TO
BEATING OFF TO CUTHBEST

Well, sort of
[via Takin It In The Kanner]
…I guess he moved on after trying to feed Mischa

• I want to live in a country where HRT the IV’s new do is national news… or in a country where pot costs as much as stroopwaffles

• Since David Copperfield can’t seem to get laid anymore, he’s going to impregnate ladies the only way he knows how…

• 2nd helpings of Dangerdoom are on the way, along with a tour with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Space Ghost in full costume. No word on if it will be a coast to coast kinda thang.

• Blur’s going to drop their new adventures in lo-fi by year’s end. Graham Coxon still missing in action. Thigh Master still drooling. Damon Albarn’s voice is 2nd best to Alba’s a$$

• Orlando Snooze, back where he belongs, in any pre-industrial revolution era

• Mark my words, Ariel Gade is the next Dakota Fanning. And as well all know, that can mean only one thing.

• While some of us love Rachael Ray and her big mouth, others do not. Either way, lettuce all make peace and grease ourselves up looking at her FHM spread for the 4 thousand thousandth time. [via Laing Sack of Shiiiiiiiit]

• Help the Redskins help breasts. Too bad they were never able to help their own biggest boob, Heath Shuler.

• The Music Video Database. Cause how else are we gonna figure out that Lethal Weapon kingpin Richard Donner directed Cyndi Lauper’s ‘The Goonies R Good Enough’ thumcredible video, which features the likes of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Nikolai Volkov, the Iron Sheik, and of course Cpt Lou Albano?

• Remember Ross? I don’t either, but he’s currently co-starring in Bayside! The Un-musical!. Some say 2nd best use of $5 since offering the same amount to Jimmy Smits for bless my sister’s wedding.

• Do you Netflix it up? If so, send me your email addy and we can become Netflix pals. Cause I know yer dying to know how many stars I gave Apt Pupil and Freddy Got Fingered

• Free passes to Ryan Reynolds Is Fat & Unfunny, And Then Skinny & Unfunny + Richard Gere Gets Off On Spelling

• What’s the story morning horny with the 13th floors of buildings? And what’s the story with Gretchen Mol’s career post Thirteenth Floor? [via Johnny Dollar Bill]

• This priest is right at holmes when it comes to homo bashing [audio] . I think he’s a lil insane in my behind’s membranes. [via Ceffle]

• And blessed be photog Karina Taira, who combined the beauty of HFutureRT Camilla Belle and the neo-hipness of every chick you’ve ever seen on the Cobra Snake!!!

+ The Streets’ Mike Skinner stole Radio 1 DJ Jo Whiley’s mic and outted himself by way of Bloc Party ‘Banquet’ remix [d-lode]

+ bid on balloons actually touched by HRT the II!!! [via Warwick Dave-us]

+ At my request, our precious lil kingdomite, Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I, has juss enlisted in the greatistest cookie selling organization know to man. Werd has it that I won’t get a discount, but if she refuses to hand over my annual intake of 43 boxes of Samoas at no charge, I’ll be forced to stop the payments on her dental work!! [via D]

[more pics]

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?