Thighs Wide Shut

Stealth
Eddie & The Cruisers Losers
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Dearest Thigh Master, may I ask your permission to please ruin this movie for everyone before it’s released? Well, since the movie itself is a bigger ruin than Circus Maximus and I’m asking myself this question the answer is Ernie ELLs YES!! What do you get when you mix the ultra lame cheesy parts of Top Gun, the special effects of TV’s Sliders, the tripodless camerawork of The Blair Witch Project, the deep dialog of Saved By The Bell, with a robot child named ‘Eddie’, which seemed to be a bastard child of the Flight of the Navigator‘s tentacle robot and monotone HAL from 2001? I’ll give you a hint, it contains the word ‘steal’ in it and that’s whatit’ll do to your wallet if you go and see the film that almost made me slit my eyes out more than Be Cool.

And now for the ruining part, cause you really should stay more clear of this film than licking the grass in Chernobyl. So the hot shot trio of Jessica ‘I always look swimingly well in a bathing suit’ Biel, that really annoying Josh Lucas kat, and a fresh from Ray Jamie Foxx, who probably wishes he was in Ray 2: Ray Smacks More Smack Than He Smacks His Women instead of this, are like some kind of important Navy fighter pilot peoples who fly super-crazy hi-tech planes that are like crazy and shit. Then one day, the apple chomping Sam Shepard, who is like a totally jerk chicken arsed version of Top Gun‘s Tom Skerritt, decides to unleash an even morer super-crazyier hi-techier plane that is even morer like crazy and stiz. But this plane, ‘Eddie’, has a mind of its own and pilots itself cause some super genius guy, who is almost less genius than Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, named Keith Orbit, who lives in Seattle cause I guess sorta smart people live there, designed it that way. Well, the hot shot human trio are more skeptical of ‘Eddie’ than I am of a Vince Vaughn movie. And they have every right to be cause after ‘Eddie’ gets struck by lightning, he does all sorts of out of character things like place perverted phone calls to Dakota Fanning, download every song on the internet (really did happen in the movie, cept he seemed to only like Nu Metal), and shoot things that it shouldn’t, like Asian buildings and Asian people. And what happened to Anthony Edwards’ Nick ‘Goose’ Bradshaw in Top Gun happens to Jamie Foxx’s Henry Purcell in Stealth. That is they boths died in the skied earlyonish in the flick. But unlike Top Gun you don’t really care for any of the characters and you wish they all were obliterated by ‘Eddie’ and The Cruise Missiles. ‘Eddie’ tried his best, on behalf of the audience, to off J Biel, but she jumped ship and parachuted into North Korea (always a good source for movie evil and thirds acts that don’t need to eggsist). She’s then left for dead behind enemy lines by Sam Shepard, who was too busy eating apples and reciting the lines from the trailer. But Josh Lucas kinda likes her cause that’s what the plot wants us to think and he becomes friends with ‘Eddie’ and then they goes to Korea to rescue his bizatch. In the end, ‘Eddie’ kills himself so Josh Pukeas can save his honey comb. Wow, who knew that ‘Eddie’ was such a sweet robot flying plane thing with not so killer tunes from a pointless movie with F+ level effects? I sure wish I didn’t.

Recommended for those who like: diaper rash, BK Chicken Fries, and movies by the director of the first Skulls… not to be confused with the THIRD Skulls

Possible Porno Name: S.T.E.A.L.T.H. Is The New M.I.L.F.

Unsatisfied with this? Of course you are, Netflix Starship Troopers

UPDATE: I think Ebert read my review and stole most of my ideas

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Where The Candy Is Dandy And No One Is Randy
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Before I begin, I muss admit that I’m a rather huge fan of the Gene Wilder original and I didn’t even bother trying to block that fact out of my mind as I watched the new one. Regardless of that, my eggspectations were still more high than Freddie’s last name for this summer blockbuster. Tim Burton & Johnny Depp meet a classic children’s novel? This sounded more perfect than cancellation of Perfect Strangers!! So how did it all play out? It was kinda like watching a no-hitter thru 4 or 5 innings, then the pitcher gave up a few runs, but in the end eked out a ‘W’ for his efforts. Don’t like my baseball analogy? Well yer juss a big ole an anal ogy, aints you??? Lemme try this a different way… All of the events leading up to the Chocolate Factory tour hit the sweet spot 40 times over. I sympathized so much more with this version’s (2.0) Charlie and fam, then I ever did with the first film’s (1.0) dorkusmalorkus & kin. During the first act of 2.0 I was love hactually holding back tears, while in 1.0 I wishing Charlie drowned in his mother’s laundry bucket while his grandparent’s bedpans were being dumped on his head (no pun intended). Good thing you retired you lil annoying JERKnads! I also have to give major props de leon to casting director Susie Figgis (Mike’s cousin) for mcnabbing a bunch of kids well up to the challenge of taking on the roles that were played to purrrfection in 1.0 (although I thought the parents in 2.0 were forgettable). Well mos certainly be keeping a thigh on you lil AnnaSophia Robb, and not because of Winn-Dixie, as you have easily replaced my crush the ole Violet Beauregarde. Don’t worry Emily (coincidentally another ‘Violet’), they all gots nuttin on you!! Enuff with the pseudo-pedophilia already!!! Bad Thigh Master!! Anywho, I was all about to proclaim this better than 1.0, but then the factory tour began. All the drama and momentum that had been built up casually quelled over the next two acts. It felt like the auto-pilot switch on the plot was turned on. And with the removal of the fizzy-lifting drinks bit, there wasn’t even any climax when the grand prize winner was chosen. A lot of peeps be hating on Depp’s performance, but I thought it didn’t take away from the movie, just didn’t add too much. Give the man credit for taking a different approach, whether you think it worked or not. To wrap things up, I’d have to say big ups to the set/production design (DUH, it’s a Tim Burton flick) and childhood flashback scenes of young Willie, as they were both superfranztastic, and big downs to the Oompa Loompa songs, which lacked the charm and kitschy catchiness of 1.0’s. As of now I’m saying this flick is Worth a Peep, but I DO want to see it again in theaters… always a sign of Muss C status.

Recommended for those who like: saying YES to Grandpa Joe, that random weird dude that appears in random weird movies, and squirrels trying to get a nut to move your butt at the C&CF Candy Factory.

Possible Porno Name: South Vietnamese Whores & The Green Bay Fudgepacker Fucktory… get it, South Viet = Charlie??@?#!?

Unsatisfied with this? Then you’ve boviously seen 1.0, so re-Netflix The Wizard of Bovs and throw on the Floyd!

Cinderella Man
Having A Ball With A Smashing Pumpkin
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AMC Theaters were begging for people to come see this flick with a money back guarantee. But how would could anyone be dissatisfied after watching this uplifting and inspiring reali-life tale of a man defying all odds to simply keep his family together? A better historical epic (and less crappy CGI-lookin) than Crowe’s Gladiator and an edvard munch better summer Oscar bait than last year’s over-sappy Snoozebiscuit, this lil forker defied my odds of it sucking too!! I admire Crowe and Giamatti, but am sick to death of both. Ron Howard? I still can’t bee leave Opie’s a decent director. Sourpuss McGee and that face? PLEASE GO AWAY FOREVER!! But despite all that hate, the flick floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee. And in a year of truly shitty movies, that’s saying something.

Recommended for those who like: Clint Howard lookin like Mills Lane, Central Park filled with po folks, and Russell Crowe free of a phone.

Possible Porno Name: Doesn’t WearUnderweara Man

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Radio Days, starring a very young Seth Green as the Woodman.

War of the Worlds
The Passions of The Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE
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Dats right folks, forget about Admiral Scientology and the stress tests, Tim Robbins in Mystic River mode, the storyless story, typical Spielbergo happy fam ending, and sadly only 6ish minutesishness of screentime for Miranda HOTTO, cause this is the Dakota Fanning meets special (Wreckx-N-)Effect eggstravaganzabonaza flick of the year!! After our lil Jean Claude Van Dame made a slight career misstep with Hide and Seek (which was all DeNiro’s fault), it’s Tony The Tiger ggggggggggggrrreat to see D Fanbelt back in something watchable. But did I mention who really steals the show? The effin sound. I know that sounds recocklous, but my thighs were vibrating throughout, and for once it wasn’t all my bizatches hitting me up on my cellie. Nuff said. This is a pure popcorn flick from the man who invented the summer blockbuster. Sink yer jaws in.

Recommended for those who like: New Jersey being destroyed, tripods more than iPods, and my adopted daughter.

Possible Porno Name: Whores of the World

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Plan 9 from Outer Space

Batman Begins
Holy Toledo, OH (where Katie hails from)!!
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Best Batman movie ever? Nope, that belongs to try #1. Best Batman ever? Nope, Adam West Best will forever wear that crown. So where does that leave us? How bout best Batman flick since the best Batman movie, with bestest cast thus far, and a nifty origin story to boot. Stand out bits: Liam Neeson’s fu-manchu, Patrick Bateman doing his finest Bruce Wayne impersonation, Scarecrow and his ‘Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots‘ mask, and the WB taking a chance on gifted director Chris Nolan, as they did with Alfonso Cuarón on Harry Potter 3… a trend I hope continues in the future of big-budget cinema. Stand down bits: Katie Holmes’ voice (since we’ve already seen enuff of her face), the wastednessnes of Gary Oldman’s genius, the mysterious recovery of Gothamites after their gassing, and #1 gripe of all gripes from Cpt Sour Grapes (me) – LAMEST SET DESIGN THIS SIDE OF A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT DARKNESS!!!! Aside: Golly gosh, why do I get such boners for set design? Return to review: Did this take place in Gotham or Ghettosburgh? They might as well filmed it in downtown Rockville, MD instead of Chicago. I mean, ya don’t have to go all NYC and shit, but at least give Tim Burton’s Batman look a look. The dude was on to something, besides probably being on something.

Recommended for those who like: beginnings, a black Q, and the hotness that is Cillian Murphy.

Possible Porno Name: Scatman Crothers Begins To Jazz’s All Over Yer Momma’s Face

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Condorman

Fantastic Four
Could You Please Define ‘Fantastic’, Please?
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I think the only reason I saw this, besides sneaking in fo free after Wonka, was so I could picture Trent sitting in the theater with his pants around his ankles spanking to his beloveded flaming man, Chris Evans. OK, the real reason was to peep, Her Former Royal Candidate for Thighness, Alba in a tight synthetic outfit before she became invisible… if only we could make yer voice invisible!! Within 5 minutes of the movie’s start, I had that always solid inkling that this was going to be one of the wurstest of the wurst, but since Joel Suckmacher didn’t direct it, it still had a shot to turn it around. And YES, despite the cornball dialog, BEYOND appalling cast, and BEYOND terabyte terry-bull cast, it was not only NOT awful, but kinda entertaining. I’m hoping the same is true when I try to see YESsica’s next skin-tight flick, Alba In A Bikini 2 Furious.

Recommended for those who like: Paulie Walnuts’ hair, Michael Chiklis playing the Thing instead of The Guv’nor, and nips and tucks.

Possible Porno Name: Alba On All Fours

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Boy Who Could Fly, which starred Jay Underwood, who actually played the Human Torch in Roger Corman’s shitversion of Fantastic Four

I still owe you all like 8723147234 MOOOvie reviews. All in due time kittens. I mean, you gotta give me a break now that I’m internless. Oh I forgot, it doesn’t make one bit of difference strokes. Until next time, the balcony is clothed.

• What is one grape documentary you know nothing about, and who is one grape artist I wish I knew everything about after giving peepage to the aforementioned doc? In The Realms of the Unreal, which chronicles the life of uber-reclusive uber-imaginative Henry Darger, and his 12-volume, 15,145-PAGE novel that goes by the name The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is Known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, as caused by the Child Slave Rebellion, which includes oodles of wondrous paintings, some 10 foot long. It’s like Yellow Submarine meets D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths meets crack meets Gene-by-gene-YES!!! I won’t go in to details cause I want you to eggspeareance the magic 1st hand, but the doc has juss been released on DVD and is co-narrated by MY PRECIOUS Dakota Fanning, so make our family proud and see the damn thang!

• King Kong: THE TRAILER. Need I say mas? [via Double Yer Pleasure, Double Yer Viking]

• Piglet joins Tigger in PTFOland. The year of Pooh is qwikly turning into the year of boo.

• Rumor has it that Air are working on the soundtrack to Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette flick. If this turns out like the last partnership (Virgin Suicides sdtrk), I’ll be oui ouing in my pants for the next few years. What, you haven’t heard the werd? Well werd up, with a werdless ditty, and d-lode their s’wonderful ‘Dead Bodies‘ off said sdtrk.

• Coldplay AND Basement Jaxx both pay tribute to Kylie at Glasto by covering ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’. I wonder whose version was better? I dunno, cause I heard everyone was too busy napping during Coldplay’s set.

• Pixie & Peaches Geldof, and myself are going to have our own international event this weekend, while daddy runs his. We call it Live8MeOut.

• Jimmy Chamberlin either needs smack money or lunch money

• Anyone else catch Julie Brown (not the downtown one) on this past week’s Six Feet Under?

• Who’s a Towson University grad, openly awesome, and openly gay? Lionel Luther [via Pakula Shaker]

• Gang of Four set to re-record their classics for a new album, and only be-cause I still don’t know who the fork they are or have heard one song they sing.

• ‘I don’t think I’ve ever missed a deadline; I think it would make me physically ill.‘

• This week’s sign that society is over: The first two innings of an actual minor league baseball game in July will be played by two guys on Xbox [via News del Weird]

• I haven’t had a thought (dirty or clean) about Elle MacPherson in four score and seven ages ago. That was until I read that she and her partner Arpad ‘Arkie’ Busson have gone splittsville after 8 years. So know that I’m forced to come up with thoughts, I came up with 2. First: I don’t care if she took a dump on you daily, if yer Elle’s man, you do whatever it takes to keep that shiz in yer life for good. Second: that ’88 SI cover you see to yer right is the last time I cared about their swimsuit issue (this semi-NSFW pic should refresh your jizz). I could never take them serious again after they let Kathy Ireland grace the following year’s cover. Look, I know she’s dope, but she doesn’t do it for me AND she co-starred in a movie with Scott Bakula and Sinbad that was, well, bad. Sure, they let her stand atop Eireland and Rod Stewart’s ole landing strip in ’94, but it was all too late to john woo me back. I had seen the light and moved on. I think some people call it porno.

• What’s very NOT SAFE FOR WORK and is having a dildo thrust upon her? Eve [via Shady H Acres]

• What do you get when you cross the flabbyamyamness of the Mermaid Parade with the eye of the Cobra Snake? This [via Sophie’s Choy]

• Udo Kier is…

• I think Korean kids hate Japan [via Korean BBQard]

• cakes

• The TRUTH About ‘Belgium’ [via MonkeyMan]

• Face Transformer and Face ANALyser [via Cruisepanko]

• Malls of America, when times were simpler and more bootleg…. just how we liked em [via CityRagDoll]

• An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell and sizzle of cooking bacon

• ROGER MOORE’S FANTABULOUS EYEBROWS [beware of audio via MetaPhil]

• And in clothing, what’s the wurstest kind of porn that isn’t even real porn since animated porn [NSFW]? Girls with cars, stuck, in all kinds of nasty road conditions… like grass, ice, sand, snow, and that dreaded mud. And where can one feed this addiction of girl with cars stuckedness? Why, CarsStickGirls.com duhvs course! You have to czech out each of the sample videos [kinda NSFW]. You wouldn’t bee leave how whoreibblee thumcredible these clips are. The only person it could possible turn on is Daredevil wearing a blindfold! Although I will admit that one bit with a girl in the mud gave me wicked boner flashbacks to when I first saw John Candy wrastle chicks in Stripes. [via Levitticus Finch]

• Q: What’s hottier than being a photographer who gets paid to shoot at Sharapova’s lower half (as seen on your left)? A: My tomato red face and neck after schlepping round newly married el Hofbergo thru three boroughs from sunup til sundown this past Saturday. The day started with a jaunt to Coney Island, for some Cyclone action, batting cages hits and misses, Nathan’s diarrhea-inudicng-bacon-cheese fries, and to see what all this Mermaid Parade hubbub was all about. Fitting that this year’s king was Buster Poindexter, cause sh%t was more hot than Pat O’Brien singing ‘Hot, Hot, Hot‘. And by hot, I’m talking about the weather, and not what turned out to be one of the most pointless parades I’ve ever attended. And like most parades that don’t feature Shriners in go-karts, there were plenty of titties grossier than Tara Reid’s and more reasons why nearly nekkid men are never a good thing to be near [for full pictorial, see end of this mammoth paragraph]. After being blinded by all of dem flabby yammy yam-yams and being turned into a raisinet in the sun, it was thyme to ride the N train from its starting point to its second to last stop in Astoria, Queens. What could be worth taking a train that long if you aren’t a member of The Warriors? The not-so-best-kept secret in all of NYC: The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden. A couple o’ $12 pitchers of Spatan, kielbasas, and cup cakes from someone’s baby shower later, I was ready to throw up on myself, but remembered that I would rather my skin be ruby red than Oompa-Loompa-Lohan-orange. Later we shuffled off to the Bowery B-bestroom, via a few Hades Sweatfest ’05 Subway Platforms, to czech out the not so-feisty Feist. Her gentle jams and sweet Beth Ortonesque voice made for the least rockiniest show I’ve seen at the Bowery, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes Thigh Master needs to take a break from all this re-tread British music and sway to slower sounds, like that of Natalie Merchant, Edie Brickell, Mazzy Star, et al. Anywhom Feist is great music to have on in the background. Maybe while doing your taxes, fixing dinner, or banging your spouse. Note to record execs: if she ever started a fan club, you have to call it Feist Club. You figure out with the first rule is, cause I juss come up with the puntastic concepts. It was late, and my thighs were hurting from all the Mary chafing Carpenter. We quickly puffed some apple tabac at the Ruby Lounge, shoved some Rosario’s pizza pie down our pie holes, and returned to Thighland, so we could tuck in my dearest adopted Van Dame, Dakota Fanning, into bed for the evening. I was so spankin outive it that Dakota Fanbelt should tucked my a$$ to bed. Oddly enuff, Dakota didn’t want to come with us to Coney Isle cause she said it could never compare to the time she spent there with her annoying nanny.

• Peace the fork out Tigger (not this Tigger), Gargamel, Zummi Gummi, Fleegle, dummy fingerer, inventor of the artificial heart, and the guy who was all dem things, Paul Winchell. Also, add a gospel singer AND a dude who probably did a fork lode of acid and dug smelly hippy bizatches to the list of PTFOutters.

• Slappy B-day to the first product with a bar code, a 10-pack of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit chewing gum, that was scanned at a check-out counter, at a Marsh supermarket in Troy, Ohio. In honor of this special day, d-lode: ‘Chewing Gum‘ by Annie

• Want more lodes in yer lobes? Taste Keane tacklin’ of U2’s ‘With or Without You’ [not a direct d-lode], Paul Van Dyk’s’Nothing But You‘, Faithless’eses ‘Insomnia‘ and a remix of Travis’ ‘Re-Offender‘ [via Fakor]

• Spicoli to play the Joker?

• Looking for Lohag? Head to St. Paul. Looking for Cuthbest? Head to Moscow. Looking for Mr Goodbar? Click here.

• Wanna see under the radar uber-hottie Rosamund Pike nude? Too late, cause that era has cum and gone. But you can look at these snaps of her pretending to bang Remington Steele!

• The trailer for Episode III that Lucas didn’t want you to see… complete with all the cut Jar Jar dialog bits. [via FlakMag]

• Girl I want: Girl In The Cafe

• Bionic Man Moves Artificial Arm With Brain, wit pics AND vid! [via Cruisespanko]

• Sometimes I wish I was an adult small

• Oldies but yummies: Fractured GI Joe PSAs

• Those aren’t two pillows… they’re Sharapova Breast Pillows?!?!?!? [much WTFness via H-Listing]

• And whilst me and the delegates of the Continental Thighness are more busy than Philipps deciding on the IIIrd Her Royal (cept we can never get anything done cause Sio keeps saying that everything’s an ‘invasion’), I’ve let Dakotapaint play with some of my old mos flavorite toys. She didn’t shine to my Lite Brite, Presto Magix, or Shrinky Dinks, but seemed to dig my Playmobil pals. I knew she was the best living female actress on planet girth, but who knew she had such great taste? Too bad parents today need to take out a 2nd mortgage on their homes just to pay for these very eggceptional and very eggspensive toys. Bi they gay, here’s another good place for Playmobil memories.

• Who has consistently produced the best TV special year after year? Thighs down, The American Film Institute. The fun began back in ’98 when they dropped their list of America’s 100 Greatest Movies (if Citizen Kane hadn’t come out on top, you wouldn’t be reading this paragraph). ’99 emitted the tops in his and hers, ’00 got busy like Sean Paul with the laughs, ’01 (the real beginning of the millennium) was absolute-lee thrilling (mainly thinks to Hitchcock, the real Hitch, not that crap with the Fresh Prince and the King of Queens… royalty my A$$!!), ’02 was a bowl of mushy peas, ’03 left out the ugly and went straight for the good and the bad, ’04 made for such sweet music, and we sipped Five Alive in the ’05, while we were totally titillized and thighszed as they rolled out the 100 Best Quotes. [Note: the AFI site was all sorts of fugazied, and hence the other linky-poos] As usual, they were mostly on point like John Negroponte, with a few melon-scratchers here and there (how could ‘There’s no crying in baseball‘ be better than both ‘Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny‘ AND ‘Get yer hands off me, you damn dirty APE!‘? Time to break out the shotguns Chuck). The only thing that lacks credibility is their selection of on-air talent to gab about the fizz. DL Hughley? Elayne Boosler? Wolfgang Puck? What, was Ebert too busy making love to a box of Jujubes? Anywhozitz, I’d like to throw out a bunch of random quotes that didn’t make the list and mean something especial to meski. The criteria? Anything in my lifetime, meaning from ’77 on (sorry Escape From The Planet of the Apes, but hello Hello Again!!). I’m sure I’m missing some, but I don’t have all day to write about crap… although I’m sure u spank otherwise.

‘In honor of our special guest, I’ve created dinner mon dieu — including Frahnch fries… Frahnch dressing… and Frahnch bread. And to drink Pay-roo‘ – Jenny Meyer, Better Off Dead

‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die!‘ – Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

‘Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.‘ – Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski

‘Man, we ain’t found shit!‘ – Henchman, Spaceballs

‘Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!‘ – Joseph, Kindergarten Cop

‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.‘ – Jules, Pulp Fiction

‘Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots.‘ – David, The Lost Boys

‘Bring me everyone. What do you mean “everyone”? EVERYONE!!’ – Norman Stansfield and Benny, The Professional

‘Don’t f#ck with the babysitter!‘ – Chris, Adventures In Babysitting

‘Shall we play a game?‘ – Joshua, the computer, WarGames

‘How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?‘ – Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite

‘It was f%ckin’ obvious that cunt was gonna fuck some cunt.‘ – Begbie, Trainspotting

‘On how good your manners are… and how big your pocketbook is… – Dexter Jettster, Episode III

‘Is this something you can share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?‘ – Pee Wee, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

‘Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.‘ – Heather Chandler, Heathers

‘Pull the string! Pull the string!‘ – Bela Lugosi, Ed Wood

‘I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.‘ – Jimmy Two Times, Goodfellas

‘Mrs. Peacock was a man?‘ – Mr Green, Clue

‘I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we’re gonna be winners.‘ – Coach Norman Dale, Hoosiers

‘Pyle, you climb obstacles like old people f#ck.‘ – Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket

‘Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.‘ – Rupert Pupkin, The King of Comedy

‘Sugar Mr. Poon? No, never, NEVER!‘ – Stanton Boyd’s secretary and Fletch F Fletch, Fletch

‘What the fuck’s a frush?‘ – Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

‘And the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.‘ – Announcer, Kentucky Fried Movie

• Gorillaz to do a REAL tour this November. Now the problem be that we probably have to get our a$$es to Manchester in order to see em.

• Eggman, aka Billy Corgan, desperately wants attention/to reform the Pumpkins. I say fine, but only if he doesn’t turn all the nice bits into screamy bits onstage.

• Jennifer Ellison fractured her collar bone. Don’t panic, the breasts are still OK. [sorta NSFW, cause her boobs are so big]

• W. Mark Felt felt it was time to cash in on his deep thrizzle. No doubt a movie is happening, but why does Tom Hanks have to play him?

• Peep the vid for best song off Beck’s uneven Guero, ‘Girl‘. Shiz reminds me of MAD Magazine‘s backpage Fold–Ins.

• How come the BVegan is doing a better job updating us on Siren Fest’s line-up than the site itself?

• CMJ Music Marrython to be held Zeptember 14-17

• Don’t be scared Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. I’ve adopted you and took you under my wing so you’d be safe from all the crazies out there.

• Maria Sharapova Eating A Banana

• Return to normalcy/hottacy?

• Radio Memories

• NYC Subway Mosaics

• How could the webmaster of Fakedrpepper.com let the domain expire?

• Mother Gave Permission Slip For Man To Have Sex With Girl AND Police Release Photo Showing Teen Impaled On Fence [vias Newz O Da Weird]

• This is N%gga Stole My Bike thing has complete-lee gotten outta lo-hand: N!gga Stole My Bubble Bobble, N$gga Stole My Yoshi, N@gga Stole Carnegie Hall, N#gga Stole My Price Is Right Game, and flubvs course, DOS Stole My Bike. Whatever u do, juss stay away from YTMND 2. Your brain may eggsplode.

• Keds has run outta ideas with their Mischa B campaign. Or maybe that Jodie Foster kid whore look is back in fashion and no one told me about it. Its still hottier than her kissing Anakin Skyloser. But not as thumcredbile as this pic…

• Today is my last day at ToonPoonville, USA. New shiz starts Friday. How will this affect all things Thighs? Tomorrow Never Knows, Tomorrow Comes Today, Tomorrow Never Dies, and Tomorrow, I love ya Tomorrow! You’re always a day away from the Day After Tomorrow.