(for no particular reason) a brief chronology of 70s bleeps & colors & patterns & fun & games & lames…

1974 – Atari’s Touch Me Touches Down In Video Arcades

Atari releases Touch Me, a screen-less arcade game where you have to remember sound patterns and push buttons to prove you remembered the sound patters.  Gamers say BLEEP THIS, and no one ends up touching it all that much

November 16th, 1977 – Humans Tone Home in Close Encounters of The Third Kind

Steven Spielberg, John Williams & François Truffaut communicate with aliens thru the use of 5 tones.  these ‘wild signals’ obviously do the job cause the aliens remove Richard Dreyfuss from earth 9ever!!

May 15, 1978 – Milton Bradley says Simon

Ralph H Baer encounters Atari’s Touch Me at a trade show in 1976 and thought ‘Nice gameplay. Terrible execution. Visually boring. Miserable, rasping sounds.’  Then he thought up Simon and Milton Bradley got all bleepin’ rich and stuff.  So they basically ripped off Atari AND the sweet sounds of John Williams!!

The launch of Simon was hactually held at Studio 54(!!!), where a four-foot model of the game hung suspended over the dance floor!!!!  Would probably donate our penis to science if someone could find pictures of a bunch of coked-up nekkid people dancing underneath a giant Simon at Studio 54!!!

1978 – Atari Gets Handy & Touchy Again with Touch Me

Atari releases ‘a little product called Touch Me, which was a hand-held version of Milton Bradley’s Simon, which was Milton Bradley’s version of Atari’s coin-op Touch Me.’ - Dennis Koble

Obviously no one really touched this product either, and so Atari’s Electronics Games division scrapped their plans for handheld versions of Space Invaders and Breakout.  Atari waited 11 years before releasing their next handheld system - 1989’s Lynx!!

1978 & beyond – The Copy Cats Meow

Simon‘s popularity brings on a rash of imitators.  One of them was Tiger Electronics’ Copy Cat, although it was probably more like Copy Crap!!

the one we played with as a child, was the Simon-esque Merlin by Parker Bros

remember kids, Parker Bros before hos!

Sleeping Beauty
Olden Slumber
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 104 min

Boy do we love ourselves some Emily Browning, maybe more than you would ever care to know, but maybe you do care to know, cause she’s so awakeningly beautiful (and talented) and if you don’t agree, then you don’t know what beauty is.  Now that we’ve cleared that up…

We’re still trying to expunge the vomit left in our mouth by watching Sucker Punch, which Browning unfortunately headlined, and in her latest work, Julia Leigh‘s Sleeping Beauty, that taste of vomit has been replaced by the saliva dripping out of the mouths of dirty old rich men.  Gross.  Indeed.  But that saliva aint just a taste in our mouths, it’s on-screen drool being applied to EB’s hot nekkid body as she lies in a sedated state.  Eeeek!!  Indeed!!!

Sleeping Beauty may be a bit too distant and hazy to fully sink yer teeth into, and offers up next to zero in the smiles department, but why should a movie about a lil lost naif looking to pay the bills as a call-girl, who offers pretty much anything to her clients but ‘no penetration’, not be hard to penetrate?  It’s a grueling viewing experience, but one you’ll barely be able to take your eyes off of.  It still doesn’t hurt looking at nekkid women, even if the sexual stuff they’re participating in isn’t exactly sexy (please note – the movie’s not as raunchy as we may be making it out to be)

Browning sizzles in the bare-all role (she aint a kid no mo!), and co-stars Rachael Blake and Ewen Leslie are icy hot in cryptic roles as her madame and a lyrical house-bound friend, respectively.  Blake in particular, whom we’ve never seen in a film before, is f#%king brilliant in the film.  Since the Academy has no rhyme or reason for handing out Oscar nominations, Oscar nominated her a$$.  We mean, look at her!!!  She is both haunting and taunting, and we juss want to listen to her quiet, but strong voice say things all day long

moral of the story: if David Lynch were to ever make a movie about an Australian college girl wiggling her way into an underground world of classy sleaze, it would probably look somewhat like Leigh’s Sleeping Beauty.  Morose and gross, but beautifully sleepy all the same, this baby will keep yer eyes wide open, even if there’s NO PENETRATION (house rules)!!

Poster Boaster:  it doesn’t get munch better than this!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sleeping Beauty awakes today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tatooine by way of Buttercup Valley, Cali, 1982!!!!

plenty more Blue Harvest pics!!!!

[via Da Force]

+

The Descendants
Hawaiian Punch Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 115 min

It’s an Alexander Payne movie, so cue the anger, the yelling and some yokel dolted side players, but it’s in Hawaii, so life’s a breeze, right??? It’s not (we mentioned it was an Al Payne movie, right?), and now it’s George Clooney‘s turn to play a Payned middle-aged moper (please lord, don’t give him an acting Oscar), and mope he mos certainly does at the bedside of his comatose wife, but he’s trying to keep up appearances for his two daughters (Shailene Woodley and Amara Miller) that he doesn’t really no how to care for, and then to make Alexander Payne movie matters worse, Clooney finds out that his wife was cheating on him with Matthew Lillard (we never forgot you!!) and he had no clue, and he’s now all kinds of conflicted (how can you be mad at a woman in a coma!!)!!  Feelings will be searched, bonds will be bonded, Hawaiian shirts will be worn and epiphanies will be reached, like how heritage sometimes trumps money!!  Plus we get to rock out to Hawaiian music with the likes of Rob Huebel, Beau Bridges, Robert Forster, Judy Greer and Michael Ontkean!!  Plus we get handed this really dumbed up kid (Nick Krause) who serves no real purpose besides being a punching bag for one scene, but his face should have been punched in every scene, but really,  he shouldn’t have been in a single scene.  So what happens?  Stuff and it’s fine and good and things and all, but it’s like a hang 7 instead of a 10

moral of the story:  think hanging a 7 instead of a 10 explains it all.  and Clooney schmooney, but Lillard is ill-yard, yo!

Never Change:

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Descendants is currently breaking waves in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mrs Nancy Reagan is joined by Kristeen Reft, 9, of Kodiak Island, Alaska, left, and Laurence Honore of Herdville, France, center, as all three wave from the crown of the Statue of Liberty during reopening ceremonies on Saturday, July 5, 1986 in New York. The Statue was closed do the public for a year for renovation

+ 103 more awesomely huge and awesome Lady Lib pics!!

perv-iously – Crowning Around