Thighs Wide Shut

Jill St John as Molly as Robin in the second ever episode of Batman (1966)

aka – the hottest Batman related thing ever

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Unibrowser Yowzers!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

Remember how un-epic the battle was in Return of The King, and how it never seemed to end, cause it had 32012391929 endings? Well, I can’t reference any Thighs Wide review of such, cause that movie pre-dates this site!!! Butt bad tasting movie memories live on, but all is forgiven with Hobbit 3!!!

Hobbit 1 was dang good, but Hobbit 2 was 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH, but over time, I’ve felt more MEH on the yeah, so it was more like 2/3rds MEH and 1/3 yeah. Well, Hobbit 3 was 90000% YEAH!!!!

Hobbit 3 wastes no time – it starts with a fire-breathing BANG, and then juss keeps getting better and butter with each sword clash, and arrow being flung. Flung = fun. Swords = (s)WORD BOOTY!!!!

So how does this ending work better than LOTR: ROTK‘s ending?

– there’s an actual battle, and it’s not easily ended by ghost warriors

- Martin Freeman > Elijah Wood. I’d let Martin burgle my butt

– the dwarves do something besides being lame. Although I still couldn’t tell you any of their names besides the main one (Thrain son of Bane?) and the hot one (Billy Killi Motown Philli?)

- the dude with the uni-brow is an a$$hole, but he’s the fcuking best a$$hole on middle earth AND earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– these are the only movies where Orlando Bloom is the fcuking MAN (by being an elf)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– there’s like a scene with Gandalf, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee (HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where they battle evil incarnate AND IT REMINDS YOU HOW AMAZINGS LOTR was AND how amazings the movie you watching IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– the movie ends and bookends bookbeginnings perfectly with LOTR. if you have kids – you can now start with the Hobbits and then jump right into the LOTRs. Peter Jackson did it. George Lucas didn’t – cause you should never show your kids the Star Wars prequels

– praise jeebus Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct these movies.  It would have sucked

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Hobbit 3 rings in the end of the year at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mr Turner
In Living Watercolor
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 150 min

Mike Leigh‘s movies are works of art, so it’s no stretch for the master to take on another. He did it before with much fun and flare about Gilbert & Sullivan in 1999’s Topsy-Turvy, and he does it again, with JMW Turner in his lush AND drab Mr Turner

You should go see this, no questions asked. Why? Wait, that’s a question. Well, as we’ve said before… When a Mike Leigh film is released, without question, you should go and see it. The man is incapable of bad filmmaking, and if you’ve seen anything he’s made, we’re sure you’ll agree

In Mr Turner, Leigh paints JMW’s life with very broad strokes, but he certainly pours on the minute details. It begins with Turner at the height of his career, and follows him to the coughy-end, when photography was on the rise, and his style of painting and his health was on the decline

Leigh couldn’t have reached the finish line so masterfully if he hadn’t turned to longtime collaborator Timothy Spall to embody the big bodied painter. Spall’s performance is of few words, but many many many grumbles, sneers, blurps, and gasps of breath, and it’s engrossingly amazing

The film is literally watching paint dry, and yet it’s the opposite of boring + it’s a Mike Leigh film, which means you should go see it. Why? NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Mr Turner turns it on today, in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Boyhood
12 Years A Boy
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 165 min

I finally did it – I saw Boyhood. The movie was 12 years in the making. Me seeing it was 22 weeks in the seeing. Seeing is believing. And yet I can’t believe that no one ever made a movie like this before – filming someone every year for a decade-ish and then making some kind of a movie out of it. Richard Linklater did it! And the result is awesome – as an idea, but not necessarily as a movie

One is certainly in awe of watching little Ellar Coltrane go from a chubby cheeked tyke into a collegiate furrowed-browed man in under 3 hours, and yet I still wanted something more. For such an incredible journey of growing (for screen sister Lorelei Linklater too!), you’d think it would’ve evoked more of an emotional experience, but there’s little emotion to be seconded, besides feeling scared by a glass-throwing drunken stepfather, and Patricia Arquette telling a Mexican laborer that he can make something of himself, and then he, BOOM, years later shows up and made something of himself!

Did Arquette’s (and ex-screen-hubby Ethan Hawke‘s) boy Mason (Ellar) make something of himself? Sure, we saw him grow and growns up, but we didn’t really grow to know him all that well. We were there when he graduated from video games to booze and drugs, then to girls, and then to adult thoughts and stuff, but what does it all mean? Don’t know if this distance from the character was by design, or that’s just who Ellar is as a person IRL, but there has to be something more than just turning on the camera, pointing and shooting, and then showing us what was captured. Guess we’ll juss have to wait for Manhood, and if so, can’t wait!! But I guess we can wait another 12 years!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Boyhood grows on you, barely still in theaters, and soon on Blu-Ray and stuff

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Smokey Robinson
Barclays Center
December 11th

It’s no miracle that Smokey Robinson STILL sounds like good ol’ Smokey Robinson (or that he can rock a green outfit from neck to toe AND look simply amazing), but it is a absolute sin that I walked away from his concert dissatisfied. Yes, he played the sure-fire hits, and yes, they sounded great, but he only played 14 tunes in total, and 3 were shortened into a quickie Temptations medley. Where was ‘Shop Around’ or ‘Going To A Go Go’ or ‘Mickey’s Monkey’? Smokey was too busy padding time with pointless stories and jokes that a 6 year old could make. How could such a gifted writer have no gift for gab? And even if he did, why bother when there’s plenty more music he could have done sung? How could a Smokey Robinson concert not be amazing? That’s like an anti-miracle. And how could he have written the song ‘Love Bath’? It’s so gross that I need to take a hate shower after hearing it

Setlist – Being With You / I Second That Emotion / You Really Got a Hold on Me / Quiet Storm / Ooh Baby Baby / Temptations Medley – The Way You Do the Things You Do / Get Ready / My Girl / The Tears of a Clown / Fly Me to the Moon (Kaye Ballard cover) / Love Bath / That Place / The Tracks of My Tears / Cruisin’