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Fire Stalk With Me

the cast of the new Twin Peaks series is INSANE, and endless – click here to read ALL 217 names

it’s udderly nice to see soooo MANY familiar names on the roster – included our beloved Harry Goaz as Deputy Andy Brennan + Catherine E Coulson as The Log Lady – even though Catherine sadly left earth and logs behind in the fall of 2015.  Heck, even the front desk receptionist from The Great Northern is back!!!

however – absent from the list are – The Man from Another Place (really???) Sheriff Harry S Truman, his girlfriend Jodie, Piper Laurie, Leo ‘New Shoes’ Johnson (WTF),  any version of Donna Hayward, David Lynch’s son, Heather Graham, Dick Tremayne (one of my personal favorite characters), and even Van Dyke Parks!!  not sure if they are gonna cameo or it aint happening at all or what.  lettuce truss in Lynch/Frost and see where it goes

anywho, there are a fcukload of newbies, so lets take a guess as to what characters these actors are playing, and who they are (spoilers from Twin Peaks past may lie ahead… but shame on you if you’ve somehow never watched the greatest TV show that ever was)…

 

Jane Adams as Pepper Patterson

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Pepper is The Great Northern’s concierge, a job she learned all about from her aunt Julie, who held the same position 25 years ago

Monica Bellucci as Countess Valentina Bianchi

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a mysterious Italian woman who has taken over the affairs of Thomas Eckhardt.  she smokes more than she talks

Jim Belushi as John Aykroyd

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long living in the shadow of his deceased brother and his brother’s business partner, he’s ready to step into the spotlight and make a lot of noise – with his loud mouth and wisecracks, which may end in his own demise

Michael Cera as The Blog Lady

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The Log Lady will die (it sadly has to be), and in her place, all the town’s mythical wisdom will come from her long lost son, who dresses as a woman and blogs about all the visions he has of the woods – THE BLOG LADY!!!

Richard Chamberlain as Chamberlain Richárd

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with the Renault Bros out of the picture, someone needs to run the drugs, women and every other vice from Canada down into Twin Peaks.  Chamberlain Richárd is that man, and he’s twice as malicious and twice as Canadian as the Renaults ever were

Frank Collison as Stooby Jensen

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the town’s preacher, who is also the town’s rabbi

Jeremy Davies & Balthazar Getty as Duffy and Daffy McScrappy

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The McScrappy Brothers are the town’s biggest troublemakers, and drunks.  They’ve spent more nights in the sheriff’s overnight jail cell than they have on the outside.  No wonder – their uncle is Hank Jennings

Laura Dern as Dorna Loone

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after Nadine goes blind in her other eye, she needs more help than ever – and in comes her doting niece Dorna Loone – but she has her own issues – she has three ears!!

Francesca Eastwood as Arnolda Palmer

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wait, Laura Palmer had MORE cousins???  Man, I fear for poor Arnolda Palmer.  Whatever you do Arnolda – don’t visit the town.  Bad things will happen.  And stay away from plastic or from people who like to wrap

Patrick Fischler as The One-Eyebrowed Man

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remember the One-Armed Man?  well, now there’s the One-Eyebrowed Man – a man who’s a body to a spirit.  Good or evil – time will tell, but there aint no shaving or stopping this unibrow

Robert Forster as Sheriff Richard M Nixon

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strange that they’d replace honest Sheriff Harry S Truman with mischievous Sheriff Richard M Nixon, but he’s not a crook, is he?

Ernie Hudson as Spin Williams

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There were TWO black characters in the original series (BARELY), and now there’s at least one in the new series.  Spin William’s is the town’s #1 DJ on radio station WTIN (get it – it’s like TWIN, but spelled wrong!).  Yep, Twin Peaks is town that still values radio, in an age of Spotiwhatever

Ashley Judd as FBI Agent Wynonna Naomi

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the FBI knew it had lady trouble when their only lady was Denise Bryson.  No more – Georgian peach agent Wynonna Naomi is a no-nonsense lady who can pack heat and create it.  BAD GUYS BEWARE!!!! AND AGENT COOPER TOO!!!

Jennifer Jason Leigh as Marguerite Meade

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rivalries are a big part of Twin Peaks culture, and there’s no rivalry going that may be more delicious than the one going on between the Double R Diner and the one Marguerite Meade owns – The Triple Q Diner.  TOAST WILL BURN!!!

Matthew Lillard as Gilbert Gottbaked

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Twin Peaks is a town of full of nutjobs, and none may be nuttier than the guy in charge of the TP’s marijuana dispensary – Gilbert Gottbaked.  His original last name was Gottesbergfeld, but he changed it to increase business sales

Trent Reznor as Pavel Puree

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first it was the Icelanders, then the Norwegians, and now come the Bulgarians looking to invest in Twin Peaks real estate.  But long gone are the nice and sweet blonde Northern Europeans, and in are the dark, brooding and shady Eastern Europeans, led by Pavel Puree, who has more than plots of land on his mind – like burying people under them!

Tim Roth as Ace Asimov

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ruthless Canadians aren’t the only dirty dealers dealing in Twin Peaks – in comes one of Russia’s biggest and baddest oil barons – Ace Asimov, who likes his vodka warm, and his murders cold

Amanda Seyfried as Poppy Hewitt

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there is, and will always be, only one Laura Palmer – the center of it all, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be a new object of everyone’s affection – like what happens when Dale Cooper finds out he has a daughter, who juss so happens to come to town looking for him.  Poppy Hewitt will light everyone’s F-I-R-E, but can Twin Peaks survive another blonde with endless ambition???

Ethan Suplee as Theo Johnson

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Leo Johnson is missing, and his brother Theo wants to find him… and a pair of new shoes along the way

Lauren Tewes as Mildred Ambers Horne

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it’s about time Jerry Horne stopped being horny and settle down, especially with a woman his own age.  happy homemaker Mildred Ambers Horne has changed Jerry’s life for the better, but is he a better man, or still up to his old tricks?

Eddie Vedder as Otis Skunkmeyer

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Big Ed still has a gas farm, but he aint getting any younger.  With his nephew James Hurley leaving the family business, that leaves mechanic Otis Skunkmeyer to help Ed out with this and that

Naomi Watts as Tilly Ivers

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we told you Coop had a long lost daughter, right?  well, what about a long lost mother to that daughter?  welcome Tilly Ivers – Coop’s high school sweetheart who’s come to find him and reclaim his heart, and soul

Twin Peaks 2017 is so on.  I’m jazzed – hope you are too!!

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Jack Arnold + Maggie Seaver 4ever

greatest thing ever? The Wonder Years

even greateterer than that?

learning that Dan Lauria was able to get the role of patriarch Jack Arnold cause his GIRLFIEND at the time was Joanna Kerns who played Maggie Seaver on Growing Pains, which was created by the same people – Neal Marlens and Carol Black!!!!!!

YESJACK ARNOLD DATED MAGGIE SEAVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kerns

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the two not only dated each other but worked together as well!!

including the TV movies…

1996’s Terror in the Family (with Hilary Swank!)

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and 1990’s The Big One: The Great Los Angeles Earthquake

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imagine if they had TV children together???

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Hulk and Bruce Go Boating

The Love Boat episode ‘Miss Mom/Who’s the Champ/Gopher’s Delusion’, which aired on February 1, 1986

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boat hulk

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episode plot summary – (Pat Klous) thinks a writer (Ben Murphy) of children’s books is perfect for her picky cousin (Ellen Bry), who is also pregnant / a pro wrestler (Tim Rossovich) forbids his sister (Jennifer Holmes) to associate with his opponent (Bruce Jenner) / Gopher (Fred Grandy) is accidentally hypnotized and given a post-hypnotic suggestion that he’s the captain

[hat tip Ivan Jackenoff]

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