Not Fade Away
Don’t Put Another Quarter In The Jukebox Baby
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

Remember how the last few seasons of The Sopranos seemed to be nothing but the characters sitting at home watching TV and us watching what they were watching on TV? Well, Sopranos creator David Chase does the same thing in his feature film debut, Not Fade Away, but replaces the mob with a 60s crappy cover band struggling with struggling

This is suppose to be a love letter to a time and a place and its music, and it looks and sounds nice and all, but it’s more like a plain ole letter that has a bunch of pointless paragraphs.  But the movie isn’t a letter, it’s a movie, and it’s actually not much of anything, except a collection of scenes – scenes that fall into one of 3 categories –

1) band practice

2) the dorkable lead singer tries to score with Bella Heathcote (who WOULDN’T try that??)

3) the dorkable lead singer gets into a verbal spat with his dad James Gandolfini

The movie is basically like 1), then 2), then 3) then 1) then more 1) then maybe like 3) followed by two 2)s and then more 1) cause it makes perfect, but 3) thinks yer life is a giant waste so he needs to yell at you again, but maybe I can get some sympathy with 2), and when that’s done, it’s time to 1) 1) 1), cause if they don’t, HOW ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE IT?  

Well, in the very end, it doesn’t matter, cause the movie has an ending that’s ever worser than the ending to The Sopranos.  The lead singer’s sister appears out of nowhere on the streets of LA and says like America invented the bomb and rock n roll, but only one will last forever and then she dances or something and the movie ends.  Dreadful ending.  And all that came before it is whatever on rye why?  

The whole movie felt like a not as awesome and very much too longer version of the Wonder Years episode where Kevin helped form the high school band The Electric Shoes (the characters in NFA and WY were both inspired to start a band after seeing The Beatles on Ed Sullivan).  I’m deadly serious here folks –  NFA was EXACTLY like that Wonder Years episode, except it’s got more years, and has much less wonder

but in the end, NFA was not SO BAD, cause the movie was filled with 64% of BELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA AND HER EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Note Fade Away is currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

LONG LIVE THE ELECTRIC SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Django Unchained
Funslinger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 165 min

For 9 hours of Quentin Tarantino‘s 9.75 houred Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino hands in the most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie Quentin Tarantino has ever made.  That is a MOST excellent thing.  Then, in that last 45 minutes, Quentin Tarantino fills his most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie with the typical Quentin Tarantino shoot-em up garbage you’d expect Quentin Tarantino to stuff into a Quentin Tarantino movie – guns are fired & blood splatters, endlessly AND ENDLESSLY AND EVEN MORE ENDLESSLLLLLLLLLY.  You know it’s all too much too muchedness when Quentin Tarantino himself appears in the last 45 minutes as a bad actor with an awful Australian accent.  Quentin Tarantino, why did you have to add so much so muchedness at the end of your un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie that was going so well???  WHY?????

Yeah, but that first 77 hours is so much unchained fun and amusement that it almost makes up for the endless end!  ALMOST!!!!  For them 1278772 beginning hours, you basically get to hear Christoph Waltz not be a Nazi and talk 9ever and help Jamie Foxx find his way, and hopefully his wife (Kerry Washington).  They criss-cross the country, hunting bounties, and then land in Candyland, a plantation owned by a super angry Leonardo DiCaprio, who does the same accent he does in every movie that sorta requires an accent, which is kinda the würst accent (it’s like he’s trying tooooo hard), and yet, DiCaprio is kinda the best in this movie.  Actually, everyone’s the best.  Even Samuel L Jackson as an evil Uncle Ben house slave is the best!  And Samuel L hasn’t been the best in ages.  And the cameos, oh the cameos, from the kid from Breaking Away to the original Django to Luke Duke to The Tamblyns to Tom Savini to… a zillion others… although we weren’t really impressed by Don Johnson’s Col Sanders and his blathering blatherskites

But that last 45 minutes.  Bang, bang, bang, bang.  Blood. Splatter. Pause.  Repeat.  Zzzzz.  We get it Quentin Tarantino, but we didn’t have to have it.  Did we?

Btw, this movie is not as shocking as people are making it out to be/wanting it to be, when it comes to that racy race stuff.  The N word is the N word.  Big wup.  I don’t say that word and don’t care to hear it, but I don’t get shocked by hearing it 231812831238 times.  If you want to be shocked about how fcuked up racy race shiz is/was then rent Spike Lee’s Bamboozled

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chain Her Up, In A Sexual Way, Not A Racist Way!!!:

Nichole Galicia

apparently her old name was Nichole Robinson

Django Unchained is UNCHAINED at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

‘Don’t You Want To Go Where The Rainbow Ends?‘

That, may, very, well, be, the, most, inviting, invitation, in, the, HISTORY, of, movies, EVER!,!,!,!,!  I would give up eating Popeyes & See’s Candies for life to trade places with Tom Cruise in this teeny tiny lil crazy/sexy/cool crazy/beautiful scene/gif.  If only life could be A-B repeated like this gif with super hot women that totally want to bang you in a Stanley Kubrick movie with awesome lights illuminating hotness in the foreground and things and stuff in the background!!!!!

If you’ve seen the movie, you know Tom Cruise doesn’t end up going where the rainbow ends cause he has to go upstairs and help revive Sydney Pollack’s ODed hooker whore prostitute lady friend.  we all make mistakes in life, but in movies, Tom Cruise should totally be going to where the rainbow ends AND THEN help tackle Sydney Pollack’s hooker whore prostitute issues, AND THEN return to where the rainbow ends, AND THEN make sure it NEVER ENDS!!!

and then?

oh, and btw, this is probably the first gif I ever fell in love with, circa 1999

and never 9get

Jack Reacher
Preacher Comforts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

December is a month of endless Oscar-baiting fare, where the movies are bloated, depressing and hard to watch.   Christopher McQuarrie‘s Jack Reacher is the antidote to all that stuff, and Jack Reacher is nothing without one of the last movie stars standing, standing tall (even though he’s not so tall) - Tom Cruise.  Tom is Jack, a loner, Dottie, a rebel.  Whether you can believe that Tom Cruise could pass as a drifter matters very little, cause basically Jack Reacher is a looser Mission: Impossible, which means it’s more fun, and sirprizingly, and most welcomelyer, funnier!   What more do you need to know?  You don’t, but we’ll go on for a little bit more anywayz

Our movie starts off with a sniper randomly picking off people, but MAYBE THE VICTIMS AREN’T RANDOM?!??!?!  The sniper is caught, but MAYBE THE CAUGHT SNIPER ISN’T THE ACTUAL SNIPER?!?!??!?  The DA’s office (Richard Jenkins and David Oyelowo, who’s like 2nd second coming of Chiwetel Ejiofor) thinks it’s an open and shut case.  The alleged sniper’s lawyer (bouncy Rosamund Pike) thinks so too, but is juss looking for the best possible verdict that isn’t punishable by death.  Enter Jack Reacher, the only man who can possibly save the alleged sniper, and maybe save the day too.  Guess what, he might juss do all of these things, AND go toe to toe with baddie Werner Herzog (I laughed out loud EVERY time he spoke on screen, partly cause it’s ridiculous, but mostly cause casting Werner Herzog as a bad guy is a stroke of genius and awesomeness and amazingnessness and I couldn’t get over that fact!!!).  Robert Duvall pops in towards the end, and his no country for old man old man-ness only adds to the nutty bar fun, cause Robert Duvall characters wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!

But does Tom Cruise run in this movie?  A little, but he drives, cause he’s so driven, and the driving is FCUKING OFF THE BAKER’S RACK!!!!!!  And there’s punching!  And there’s more punching!  And gunfights!  AND LAUGHTER!  And a killer scene where two thugs have a great chance of taking out Cruise, but they keep on taking out each other.  OH REACHER!!!! YOU MAKE US WANT TO GIVE YOU A REACH-A-ROUND!!!!!!! Please people, go see this movie, so it does well and they greenlight 12 more of these, cause that’s what the world needs!!!  REACHER!!!  He should fight Arthur Treacher’s in the sequel, cause they suck!!!  TREACHER!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

3 Furious : please, never slow down

Alexia Fast

Jack Reacher reaches out and touches everyone at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

dude, Meg from Paperman is so hotttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you’ve been put on notice Josie, you cat of pussy