Dawn of The Planet of The Apes
Hail & Hearty Caesar!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

Dude, I am all about planets and apes and the’s and of’s.  So when all those things come together- BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZAMO – my eyes and ears and brain may explode!!!!!!!!  They have, and they did!!!  I am so about Planets of Apes.  I’ve seen them all – even the crappy ones – and in some ways, they are all awesome – unless Tim Burton had something to do with them.  20th Century Fox was wise to start over with the dusty and musty Apes franchise.  They did a wonderful job with started over #1 – Rise of The Planet of The Apes – giving us something old, but making it feel entirely new, although I slightly miss seeing men and women in dumb ape costumes!

Well, the old-new juss got old-newer, and iMuss say, even betterer!!!!!!!!!!!  Director Matt Reeves takes over in round 2 with Dawn of The Planet of The Apes, and everything is not only bigger – it’s even betterereeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr.  I know I already said that, but had to say it again, so you know I’m being serious, cause I seriously love this Ape movie, cause it’s even betterererrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Andy Serkis goes ape-sh!t again, but this time the CGI is even betterer than before, making his head ape in charge – Caesar – feel even more realer than the real thing. EAT THAT LANCELOT LINK!!!  These apes feel so real that I got like semi-emotional for them and their family problems, and like want to be their friends and stuff!  They so reals, that I may juss JO to them right now…

OK, I’m back, and so are these apes!!!!!  Trying to make peace with them are humans Jason Dark Thirty Clarke, Felicity Russell and Kodi I look like Meathead from Meatballs Part II Smit-McPhee.  And trying to make war with them are Gary Oldman and Toby Kebbell!!  BUT WILL PEACE AND WAR FIND A BALANCE WHERE MAN AND APE CAN LIVE TOGETHER ON THIS PLANET????  What do you think?  The movie aint called Planet of The Happy Go Lucky Apes & Humans.  Cause if that was the name of this movie, it would be about as exciting as that Ed movie.  But it’s EVER BETTETETEERRR THAN ED!!!!  But I’ve actually never seen Ed, but I would welcome a planet apes movie where the apes play humans in baseball – and the winner gets to own earth!!!  APE BASEBALL > VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Dawn rises big time at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chef
Burnt Sugar & Cheese
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 114 min

I guess Jon Favreau really loves food and cooking and wanted you to know this, by making a movie called Chef that’s basically about food and cooking, and the result is pretty lukewarm – SEND IT BACK TO THE KITCHEN!!!  Favry recruited a fun bunch to join him – Robert Downey Jr, Scarlett Johansson, Sofía Vergara, Dustin Hoffman, Oliver Platt, Bobby Cannavale, Amy Sedaris and John Leguizamo – but they have little to work with, other then being overly enthusiastic, in a movie that oozes more cheese than all the cheesteaks of the greater Philadelphia area.  There’s too much time dedicated to (showing us how Twitter works +) Chef Favry trying to bond with his onscreen kid Emjay Anthony, who has about as much acting chops as this movie has lamb chops – zero.  Look, I’m happy Favry is taking a break from big budget fiasco flicks, and going small, but this movie is tiny – a tiny bit entertaining, and a ton bit schmaltzy

Only bit I really really really liked was Oliver Platt playing a food critic, which is not much of a stretch since his brother Adam is the main food critic for New York mag.  The role wasn’t good at all, but I just like that he’s playing a role his brother does for a living

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Chef boy r deez nutz at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Out With The Old, In With The New Old
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we love us some Patrick Stewart as Professor X and Ian McKellen as Magneto, and sure, sure, sure, we’re VERY happy to have them back – but they’re barely in or register in Bryan Singer‘s third directorial turn in the X-Men franchise - Days of Future Past.  How is that possible?  Cause the new guys playing the old guys - James McAvoy & Michael Fassbender – are so X-cellent that we don’t even really need the old dudes anymore.  OK, OK, so there’s a lot of appeal to having all involved – like in that Star Trek Generations type way – but really, who needs it.  First Class was… first class.  New school rules.  New school should stay in session.  But didn’t you juss forget about Hugh Jackman as Wolverine?  Ooops, I did.  And while Pat Stew and Ian McK were unnecessary, Hugh Jax was totally necessary!  CAUSE WE GOT TO SEE HIS BUTT!!!   But why do these new movies work so well, and sorta make us forget about the old movies?  Cause they don’t take place in the boring present.  Part of it takes places in a weird future, but most of it takes place in the awesome past – and this time – it’s the Tricky Dicky 70s!  

AND RFK STADIUM MAKES THE GREASTESTETESTSTST STADIUM CAMEO IN A MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence still sucks.  Oh, and Evan Peters is the fcuking best.  When he gonna play Jack White in a biopic called Jack White & Red All Over?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

X-Men x-cells at a theater near jews

and oh, these posters are the fcuking baaaaaast!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Fault In Our Stars
Topic of Cancer
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 125 min

Oh, how cute – two cancer kids making nice with each other, cause no one else wants to bother with them, besides their doctors, cautious parents, or friends… who also have/had cancer.  But there’s no fault in that in The Fault In Our Stars – the movie version made of the beloved novel by John Green, cause if you like two kids making nice, who are nice, regardless of their health – then you will like this movie

OK, so maybe one of them kids – Mr Perfect Ansel Elgort – is a little too perfect.  He’s TOOO charming.  He’s too sure of himself.  He’s TOOO positive.  And maybe even a bit too dreamy.  And what about the object of his affection Shailene Woodley?  Oh, man, is she such a lil good actress.  AND SHE EVEN MAKES HER OWN TOOTHPASTE – IN REAL LIFE!!!  But in Fault, she’s not making toothpaste – she making smiles, and tears and making heart strings tug – for herself and fo you

But even for a movie about kids with hardships – everything seems to come to them WAY too easy.  Oh, you want to go to Amsterdam to meet your favorite author ever, who’s now an angry drunk recluse (Willem Dafoe, with cool glasses)?  NO PROBLEM!  ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!  How about falling in love in the least passionate place ever – Anne Frank’s House!  Sure, why not!  Love don’t holo-cost a thang!!!  Oh, you have trouble walking up steps cause your lungs have cancer?  No worries, we’ll put your bedroom in an attic so you have to climb stairs all the time!

But, but, but, but I don’t care.  I like cancerous him and I like cancerous her, and I like them together.  You will too  

And you will like their friend Nat Wolff – who was also in Palo Alto – which is fitting cause in that movie he was BFF with Val Kilmer’s son Jack, who looks like Ansel Elgort (sorta)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fault doubles up in theaters TODAY!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Palo Alto
Nepotism The Movie
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 98 min

Apparently if you have the last name Coppola, it’s yer dog-given right to make a film.  And apparently if you’re the child of a movie actor/ess, it’s yer dog-given right to follow in their footsteps.  Man, it muss be tuff to give it the old Hollywood try when all the tries are being given to someone famous’ son or daughter or their cousin, twice removed.  (Too bad my parents were a lawyer and a teacher, although I didn’t follow in either of their footsteps.  Maybe my children will become Thigh Masters.  DO IT KIDS!!!)

Nepotism is on full display in Gia ‘grandaughter of Francis Ford’ Coppola‘s Palo Alto, starring Eric Roberts’ daughter and Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s son (Val is in it to, but for maybe like 10 seconds).  The film is based off of James Franco’s book of short stories, and he gets a role in the film too.  Somehow his brother Dave Franco didn’t get nepotized into the cast.  (I did a quick check of the rest of the roster, but couldn’t find any more famous parental connections, outside of minor roles for Emma Gretzky and Bailey… Coppola)

OK, all that nepo-ness aside, the movie Palo Alto is still a movie and is somewhere between aunt Sofia Coppola’s Somewhere, and yet nowhere, and also Gus van Pretentious’ Paranoid Park, with a heavy dose all things Bret Easton Ellis.  So what I’m saying is Palo Alto is a moody piece of something, that’s really nothing.  Usually I loathe those kind of movies, and obviously I’m no giant fan of nepotism, AND YET, I still kinda really enjoyed Palo Alto

Why?

– there’s a faux recreation of Phoebe Cates’ Fast Times pool ascent scene, for no reason

– Kenny Powers’ fatty nephew is in it

- Nat Wolff’s hair and attitude 

– the dumb high school talk

– it wasn’t awful like The Bling Ring was

– seeing what Chris Messina high and touchy-feely would look like

– the score

- Father Guido Sarducci is in it (the actor, not the character), and he funny!

– it made me feel uneasy from start to finish, and I have no idea why, but movies should make you feel something, and this movie did

– and mainly cause I’m now in love with Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s son Jack.  he’s almost hotter than both mom AND dad, and that’s basically impossible.  he looks like mini-Beck-River Phoenix.  I want to play with his hair.  I want to live on his face

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Palo is palling about in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…