An Ode Alba’s Ass+ 2 Other Reviews

North Country
Enemy Mine
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Director Niki Caro is the unofficial Queen of women empowerment movies these days. She hit gold, at least in my heart, with 2003’s Whale Rider, and she does it here once again with her beautiful and touching exploration of sexual harassment in a male-dominated Minnesota mine with her latest, North Country. And I guess it’s also safe to say that Charlize Theron’s Oscar win for Monster was no fluke either, as she chips in equally great work as the woman who won’t stand by as the men treat her like shit and literally smear shit in her locker room. Although the story plays out in a very cookie-cutter kinda way, from the constant abuse to the eventual courtroom showdown, this film rises above on the strengths of its super supporting cast. Sure, you know you’re gonna get home runs with Frances McDormand and Sissy Spacek (barely in it) on your squad, but the guys here get their chance to shine too. When’s the last time you applauded Woody Harrelson and not laughed at him? Or respected Sean Bean’s acting chops and not his sword and gun play? Or took interest in such small time players as the father from Six Feet Under, the dude from 24 who gave his life to save ours, and that guy, who’s that guy?? Probably never. EVERYONE else in the movie was franztastic as well. I wish I could make mention of them all, but I have eggshausted my wit dry. Maybe they should add a category at the Academy Awards for best casting director, cause my girl Mali Finn needs some major props for a job well done, past and present. I mean, she also did the casting for The Girl Next Door, and for that she should be knighted (or is it damed?).

Recommended for those who like: do-gooders, do-rags, and doo-doo graffiti

Possible Porno Name: North Cunt Try

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Norma Rae

Good Night, And Good Luck
More Smoke Than Mirrors
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Help me here people, cause I’m obviously missing something. This movie was not at all riveting, far from compelling (unlike the trailer makes it to be), and to be bluntly honest, boring. I think these events, of Edward R Murrow and his CBS posse boldly questioning Senator McCarthy’s Red Scare crusade tactics and practices, are mos def worthy of re-telling, but it would have been far more engrossing as one hour doc on the Hitler Channel instead. Cause outside of the real archival footage of Joe Mc yelling, the spot on Oscar nomination worthy work of David Strathairn as Ed R (this year’s Jamie Foxx???), and the beautiful B&W cinematography, there aint nothing in between, cept more static than an Indian Head test pattern. Well maybe there is something, if you consider something to be people rabidly smoking cigarettes, drinking scotch, and reading reviews aloud from several newspapers. We’re supposed to empathize with the CBSers taking a giant career risk with these landmark broadcasts, but we’re barely let into their lives. Pretty much every scene takes place in the newsroom, and since there were only like 2 or 3 broadcasts in total (I thought there woulda been more for some reason), it was more like a snoozeroom. George Clooney, as he did in his directorial debut Confessions of A Dangerous Mind, seems to be too preoccupied with trying to make a super-cool movie, then a concise, coherent, good movie. I’ll give him an ‘A’ for effort (although it’s spelled with an ‘e’), but a ‘Z’ followed by a lot of little ‘zzzzzzzzzzzzz’s for Good Night.

Recommended for those who like: Jimmy Cooper, Leland Palmer, and the CBS eye

Possible Porno Name: Good And Tight, And A Good F&ck

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Guilty By Suspicion

Into The Blue
2 Fast, 2 Amphibious
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If they really wanted to get the most bang for their buck, they shoulda juss called this popcorn pleaser Jessica Alba’s Ass In Water. I mean, is there any other reason to spend money to go and see this? Certainly not for Scott Caan shirtless on a sea doo, James Frain’s grimace face, or Tyson Beckford’s broke-hawk. YIKKKEES-a-rooni!!! Come to think of it, there is not much to recommend about this, considering that Paul Walker hactually out acts the Alba (oh LORD), but the name of the game here is PG-13 funtertainment, not thespianoics! So lettuce not get all technical and speak only of the films’ one true asset. Oh Alba, why is your ass so amazing? Why is it even more thumbcredible when I see it with a bikini bottom swimming in the ocean blue? Why isn’t your ass the governor of California? Why isn’t your ass the national ass of America? Do you even fart? Do you poop rose petals and Yankee Candles? Does your ass have its own agent? Can I buy your ass? Can we all rent it out by the hour and rub Cool-Whip all over it? Will you duet with Guru and release an album entitled Assmatazz? Could your ass cure asthma? Would you consider starring in your own daytime soap called Ass The World Turns? I’ll be your Wesley and you’ll be my Buttercup, and whatever task you ask of me, I shall reply, ‘Ass you wish‘.

Recommended for those who like: this, this, and this

Possible Porno Name: Into The Pink

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the original, The Deep, which stars, get this, Nick Nolte, Louis Gossett Jr., Jacqueline Bisset, Robert Shaw, AND Eli Wallach!?! Note: I have never seen this movie and therefore cannot vouch for its awesomeness or poo-poo-platterness

…until next time, the balcony is clothed