Thighs Wide Shut

Christo is not done wrapping. Along with his ho and DJ, Jeanne-Claude, they’ve jumped back into the studio to work on their follow-up to their hit release The Gates (and the remix they did with Hooters). Possible guest stars on this next joint may include DeVoe, Snow (not pictured), and Ill Mitch. Hey, it makes about as much sense as the director of In The Name of the Father teaming up with 50 Cent.

• Eddie Bunker peaced the fork out last week and no one paid attention, yet Michigan J. Frog’s firing gets all sorts of press. Wait, who’s Ed Bunk? [via The Poonmaster]

• Promise me that before you see Senor Spielbergo’s newly titled Munich this winter you will Netflix the doc One Day In September.

• The Fiery Furnaces will release the first of two new CDs this fall called Rehearsing My Choir. They also will be announcing a US tour during September and October.

• First look at Spacey as Luthor, or is it Daddy Warbucks?

• Pacers say yes and mad cabbages to Jasikevicius. But who will x-ray the hip of Exree Hipp?

• Crackhead apologizes for grabbing Peaches’ can

• Now that I gots plenty of free time I may juss take up the Redskins on their free invite to training camp.

• Lohan was on hand to give Lance a hand… job

• Wurstest blog related artwork of all-thymes

• Charlotte Church of Scientology?

• A chat with Bananarama

• I’m no Family Guy guy, but their lil a-ha video raping was kinda sorta amusing [via All Hail Christ…E]

• Google finds the lord

• The (brief) History of SNL’s Black Dudes

• Somehow they uglified Monica Bleucheese

• Top 10 Apollo Hoax Theories [via MOH]

• Saturn’s radio emissions are a complete Pink Floyd ripoff

• Did General Motors destroy the LA mass transit system?

• The Shitty Tipper Database! [via Meta]

• World’s oldest dildo found in cave! [via Monkey M]

• Tamponhenge [via YCMIU]

• Sharapovinski hasn’t left me alone for one second since I dropped infos about t.A.T.u. album numero 2. I think she’s juss a wee bit jealous that I find other Russians so crazy/sexy/cool, including, but not limited to Yakov Smirnoff. She was so bolsheviked that she kept pelting me with piping hot chicken Kievs (or as we called them in college, ‘abortion chickens’). But my dearest czarina has nothing to worry about, and I prove it to her every night by banging her square until it’s red. And how could I ever step out on a HRT the III when she does such adorable things during her matches like lift up her skirt to expose her thigh. If you didn’t know that’s her lil secret way of saying hello to yers drooly, like Carol Burnett does when she tugs her ear.

NEWSFLASHINTHEPAN!!
Mischa Barton Walks Down Street With Man!

[via ONTD]

• Borat Sagdiyev takes advantage of Mississippi, again.

• Elliot Smith – North Six – 6/6/03 [Forever Youth]

• The Cars Strokes to fly south for the winter fall. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

• Former Congressman and greasemonkey, Ben ‘Cooter‘ Jones is the new RottenTomaotes.com. Here’s his rotten take on the new Dukes flick, ‘the movie is a sleazy insult… and is like taking ‘I Love Lucy’ and making her a crackhead or something.’ [via The REAL Jonah]

• CollegeHumor.com mcnabbs a deal with Paramount to make movies with… college humor. So when is Dreamworks SKG hittin me up to filmology my autobiography, Lord of the Thighs (with music mash-up by Aerosmith/Breeders). But moist importantly, when is a movie going to be developed about Good Humor ice cream trucks? [via Dirk Fiddler]

• I don’t think the Pope smokes dope, or was ever a kid.

• Love Jews AND drawings? Then may I recommend Wild Things: The Art of Maurice Sendak at the Jewish Museum. Juss remember, they closed Saturdays because they hate Christians and need time to prepare goy children for sacrifices.

• I heart Poop

• Footballers Wive$ has a chance of being decent spankable.

• The greatest website that never was: Zealott.com [Disclaimer: that is my friend’s failed venture from halcyon years of the internets and yet it still lives with ZERO CONTENT!!!]

• Hi Res Eva Mendes or Nikki Cox, Erwin M Fletcher you choose!!

• Father finds Mariah Carey’s lame-o nip slip, but which one of yous out there was trying to find ‘‘mandy moore nipple slit‘?

• And I ask you dear reader (or searcher of ‘nip slits’), what’s the one thing you be sick to meth of me shoving down yer jazzhole day after day upon day? Praising anything Damon Albarn does? Pointing out Vince Vaughn’s lack or hair/talent? Talkin bout how I ate microwaved tunafish sandwiches off your girlfriend’s chest? Well, nows be yer chance to give that hot topic that makes your blood boil and mohel bleed a nice 2 week vacation. Dat’s right folks, juss shemail me your Thighs Wide Hate, with a brief explanation as to why/thigh, and whichever person/place/or bling gets the most love (hate) they will be excommunicated from this dot org for a fortnight!!! Lettuce pretend that Lohag is chosen as the taboo subject, then even if she invents hoverboards, bangs Sandra Day O’Connor, and re-records Ween’s Pure Guava, NONE of it will get a mention… for two whole wheat weeks!! The only eggceptions to the rule are yours drooly, cause I know you love it when I talk about my grundle, and Her Royal Thighness the III (or Masha, as her fam and friens call her), who can only be exiled by me, the Henry the VIII of the ’05.

• What a rip-roarin rip-torin effin time me and HRT the III had at this year’s ESPYs. Sure, winning the Best Female Tennis Player award wasn’t even a challenge, but I was a lil perturbed when Annika Sorenstam edged out the Mrs to ‘win’ Best Female Athlete honors. I guess the swimsuit part of the competition didn’t sway the judges one bit. But whatta we care, those stinkin awards are the sports equivalent of Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards, aka something as meaningless as a PT Anderson film. And what was really odd about the whole thang, no not our visit to the Playboy Mansion, was when she presented the award for Best Baseball Player ashlongside Lohag the Wurstest The I’s former flame-broiled hamburgler, Wilmer Valderrama!! Talk about awkwardness from Auckland!!! When I asked Pova to reflect on the whole evening, she said something about vodka, pouring, on her, naked, those lap pillows, and Tetris. I was a lil confused by that, but maybe it’ll make a bit more sense when we travel to the Kremlin Cup this Rocktober.

• Caught Röyksopp‘s thumbcredible show at Irving Platz last nite. Played two encores and two songs twice. Odd, but fantabulous!!! Continues theory that ‘electronic’ groups put on more funner shows than ‘normal’ bands do. See also Air, Basement Jaxx, and Chemical Brothers, who’s latest album I first lo-hated on, but have now grown to lo-ve. Push the Button and buy the damn thing already!!

• Save the date: July 4th, 2007

• It would take 36 straight weeks under the knife to make Kelly Osbourne look attractive. Too bad a knife can’t solve personality issues…

• I’m sirprized she didn’t slip out of the lap bar

• The only way to look at Lennon and Harrison’s deaths as a good thing

• Please, don’t be boring like that last album

• I wanna lick Charlotte Church’s green eyes and then mate with her so my children can have even greener eyes and chunky thighs!

• The Worst Rock Dads of All Time

• The Top 12 Hottest Female Guitarists Ever? I dunno, but my two most flavorite hottiest female bass players are Jill Cunniff, of Luscious Jackson fame, and Kim Coletta, of Jawbox game. [via Emmanem]

• Grovers Mill, New Jersey probably wished it was actually attacked by Martians

• Graceland is to Elvis as Iceland is to Elves

• Man Used Electric Underpants ‘To Fake Heart Attack’ [via NOTW]

• And while you martin mull over thats take a look at Pinder’s tats

[taz always via Double Viking]

Shame, shame, shame on you’alls and Lou Rawls. Did you honestly think for a stankonia moment that I’d let a woman who’s hair’s gross, Christain Bale Machinist rail thin, and a complete skankbot, rule our kingdumb? I’m even ashamed of the fact that I’m a top search result for ‘‘Lindsays Butt Paste‘… although being the #1 result for ‘cleveland cleavage‘ is kinda respectable, right? I picked Lohag when your backs were turned. Ha-ha, you fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Master of Thighs, when Her Royal Thighness crowning is on the line!! Good thing Snopes and the Museuem of Hoaxes didn’t read last week’s posts, cause they would’ve easily exposed this rue de ruse in about 5 heartbeats!! The past is the past and the butt paste is a thing of the past… although I have been looking to switch up brands as of late. So lets push thighs forward, whilst you d-lode The Streets’ ‘‘Lets Push Things Forward‘. And before I officially announce who the heir to the hempire is, I juss wanna note that Cuthbest, unlike Lohag, never did us wrong, cept when she wore that tunafish thong, and will always be welcomed back anythyme to the House of Thighs. Plus we both share joint custody of Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt, and she even agreed to pay for her dental bills! In choosing a woman worthy of the crownship I didn’t want to make any rush decisions… although she ended up being a Russian. Sure, I could have gone with a Albacauseofyou or Pinderlicious, but it was sign from heavens when I thighspotted my lady in waiting rubbing her thighs. And the rest is how I say, Game, Set, Snatch…

I present to you
The REAL Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd
Maria Yuryevna Sharapova
aka Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова

You may now kiss the Thighs

ON WIT DA POOS DEL LINKY…

• Visited the new 7-11 on 23rd and Park Ave. Brief reflections: shiz was the cleanest and smallest Sleven I’ve ever seen, Big-Bites were effin moneybagsmcgee, but had NO CHERRY SLURPEES on-tap??#!@?@#?#? Their license should be revoked!

• Knocked back a few with The BlogFather, and the rest of the Bloggeratti. Brief reflections: so effin best.

• ESPN.com stalked jinxed for life Cub fan, my Halloween costume of ’03, and the all-around mystery that is Steve Bartman. Brief reflections: it was about effin time.

• Ricky Gervais chats up about the pressure of topping The Office with his next effort Extras, which airs in the UK on July 21st (‘How do you beat six Baftas and two Golden Globes? That’s mental. That record’s safe.’), his New Romantic band Seona Dancing (‘We thought we were Tears for Fears.’), his family (‘The whole point of my family was taking the mickey out of the one sitting next to you. It was all a wind up.’), and about dreams come true (‘My ambition was always to get a joke on The Simpsons, and here I am at the read-through sitting next to Homer.’).

• Charlotte Church’s mum strikes back and un-classy Shirley Bassey. Don’t care? Then at least czech out a whole lotta snap-ples of C Church in a bikini.

• Another pointless Indy IV update

• Nancy O’Dell met her husband while waiting in line at an airport. I think I need to fly more often.

• Many a celebs have been deliverin’ Amazon.com packages as a part of their 10th annie-verse-airy celebration. Peep Don Cheadle dropping off a box, Howie Mandel taking time off his ‘busy schedule’, and Kournikova opening a box with a customer (I’d love to open and munch on Kournie’s box! [NSFW])

• Dustin Hoffman has bigger-man-tees than yours drooly! [sorta NSFW]

• The Photos They’d Rather Forget

• I’ve never been able to describe TWS.org site in words, but Dawn of Man did a pretty good job by sayings, ‘If you’re not impartial to a bit of Anthony Burgess-style linguistic butchering combined with Jim Careyesque zany mad adult behaviour, head on over to The Thighmaster.’

• Why didn’t JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com get bigger than Jesus?

• (not) My Collection of Vintage Cigarette Lighters

• Geek Tattoos [via Dr Falada]

• Mildly entertaining ’80s print ads

• CantFindOnGoogle.com [MetaFiler]

• And happy belated 50th b-day to my new dawg, Jimmy Smits/Bail Organa, and to my old dawg, who’s love taking bites outta crime, McGruff the Crime Dog, who just turned half of Jimmy’s age. Growing up, in an age of hella-lame famous dogs, McGruff was buff and more ruff than then the baddies in Tuff Turf. Ya see, me at McG go way back. One day, while I was a hyperactive student at College Gardens Elementary School, we took a field trip riding the newly extended Red Line on DC’s Metro for three whole stops!!! When we demetroed at our final destination, White Flint, McGruff was there to greet us, dole out hugs, and distribute free Redskins trading cards to us all. I’ll never forget what you did that day McGruff, for as long as I live. So in his great name why not send him a b-day card, or get yoself a fab tee, or sign up for some free trading cards (sadly not Redskins)?

So I guess you can call this our first Thighs Wide Theme Week. If you’ve been cave hidin’ with Osama, then you probably don’t know what I reek of. Lettuce recap: Montag gave love to Mike Tyson and his Glass Joe ways, Martedì lookyed back to the days of yore, when drowning your family was a fun thing, Miércoles paid tribute to a yellow pioneer (and I aint talkin bout them folks who made railroads for white people), Jeudi was filled all sorts of CAPCOMedy, and Friday I’m in love… ALL OVER AGAIN with the greatest gaming system known to man, no not TurboGrafx 16, but The Nintendo Entertainment Center, which went nationwide is on our side in ’86. I could go on and on with run-on and run-on sentences about how much the 8-bit of heaven means to I me mine, but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about for years to cum. So without further Freddy Adu, I giveth to you:

Thighs Wide NES Hall of Fame*
(Rated Rookies Need Not Apply)
1) The Legend of Zelda – No other game ever released before or afterage can match its bestedness. Boomerangs, Grumble Grumble, the eye of Gohma, and setting the old man on fire are juss a few reasons why I keep throwing in this cartridge year after year. Wanna get yer triforce on? Save up 250 coins and buy the blue ring ASAP!!

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2) RBI Baseball – NES was loaded with stellar artois baseball games, but this was the king of the diamond. All the players were white and faceless, plus looked so cute when they got beaned. Wanna bring home the pennant? Play with Boston and sub Tony Armas for Marty Barrett & Ellis ‘Tim’ Burks for Spike Owen. And how do you like yer RBI muzak, men on base stizz or bases empty?

3) Super Mario Bros 3 – Super Mario 1 is classic, but not worth playing anymore. Super Mario 2 is a joke, but sorta set the stage for Mario Karts. That leaves 3 as the perfect edition to rule them all. Magic flutes, raccoon AND frog Mario, giant land, the match game, and giving people a reason to see Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Christian Slater, AND a pre-Rilo K Jenny Lewis mix it up in The Wizard. Wanna make Bowser look as weak as Sha Na Na’s Bowzer? Load up on 99 1-ups on World 3, Level 9. Juss grab the shell of a green flying koopa, throw it between to blocks, and let the bomb-obs thing do the rest.

4) Final Fantasy – A much better RPG than OG Zelda, but too long and complex for repeat play. Sh%t was like the best parts of Ultima, Dragon Warrior, and even LOTR all rolled into one fat blunt. No other vid games’ enemies and boards made me sweat more than FF‘s did. Wanna shine light on the darkened orbs? Don’t even think about starting without Nintendio Power’s strategy guide. The secret game was effin hugo and its boss!

5) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out – Do I even need to explain this one? Juss look at these ani gifs, listen to this racist, yet chillarious tune, punch in ‘007 373 5963’, and kick that ex-Robin Givens loving machine to the kerb. Can’t ya juss hear Mario squeak ‘TKO’ with his accompanying word balloon?

6) RC Pro-Am – Love Spy Hunter‘s weapons & oil slicks, and Super Off Road curves? Then this is the game for you. My copy of the game has been used so many forkin times that after a 30 seconds of playing, everything on the screen turns black and all you can see is what place yer in. Wanna stack yer trophy room? Avoid picking up bombs, stick to the missiles, and ALWAYS use the red-speedy-arrow-thingies whenever possible.

7) Bionic Commando – CAPCOM at its best. You sport red hair, wear shades, gots a bionic arm, and get to kill Hitler. How? Throw the dude some watermellons and watch him go crazy!

8) Ice Hockey – One skinny dude and 3 fat guys are the recipe for success.

9) Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse – All of the C’vania games were moneybag mcgees, but once again, a #3 ups the steaks and salads. The standout feature here is the ability to transform into three diff characters. I’m partial to Alucard, Dracula’s bastard son.

10) Goonies II – I don’t remember there ever being a Goonies I or even any buzz about this one, but I borrowed it from a family friend and never returned it. Spank gawd, cause I was able to strap on my slick shoes and save the breastless mermaid from the Fratellis. Wanna never die like the Goonies? Find Konamiman as often as possible.

11) Contra – How could ANYONE ever win without ‘up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start’? I guess it’s one of those never to be answered queries like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?

Mostest honorable mentions: Blaster Master, Metal Gear, Bases Loaded, Baseball Stars, Metroid, Blades of Steel, Pro Wrestling, and shove course, the one with the bestest name of all thyme, Rygar.

Sorry kids, but Super Tecmo Bowl juss doesn’t cut it para me. I’ll stick with 10 Yard Fight as NES’ blue ribbon fooball game. Where else can you throw a 99-yard bomb TD pass, while being on yer opponents’ 1 yard line?

* for games that debuted on the NES