Thighs Wide Shut

Da DaVinci Code
If Only They Had Released
So Dark The Condorman Instead
Trailer

I’ll admit it, I’m a tough cookie, and some of y’all are a bit Soft Batchish, so will you like Code if I didn’t? Wellllll, if you read the book, probably not so much. And if you didn’t read the book (who ARE you people?), maybe, but only cause you want to join in on our deep conversations about pagan symbolism and Jesus bonin chicks. I’m sure yer all already well aware of the ass raping that Ron Howard’s screen version of Dan Brown’s beyond best-seller has taken from the critics, and since I pretty much agree with mos of what they be saying, I’ll try not to re-hash the horror stories. Although I think Ann Hornaday from the REAL Post said it breast, ‘The movie Sony Pictures has been desperately trying to position as ‘the most controversial thriller of the year’ turns out to be about as thrilling as watching your parents do a Sudoku puzzle.‘, and AO Scott of the Thymes made me chuckle while I was eating Chuckles when he blathered, ‘Ms. Tautou, determined to ensure that her name will never again come up in an Internet search for the word “gamine,” affects a look of worried fatigue [throughout the film].‘

In a year’s time, no one will be talking about this movie — it’s that forgettable. And a year is being generous. Nothing seems to click within the frame. Kinda like Redskins offense 1992 – current times. And I think it’s no one’s fault, not even Tom Hanks’ hair. If another director took a stab at it, it would still turn out the same — lame. What makes for a good read doesn’t always translate into a good film. It’s kinda how I felt about the Rent movie, where it’s believable in its original format, but as soon as it hits the screen, it loses its credibility and no one be buyin what they be sellin. I cunt bee leave I’m about to say this, but, if you wanna watch an entertaining thriller that weaves history with modern times, stay away from the theater and rent the much more engaging popcorn poo-fest National Treasure… btw, there’s a #2 of that on the way. Ha, #2, how fitting!

Recommended for those who like: Clint Howard/Peter Scolari cameo-less flicks, the White Chicks‘ colored contact lenses, and IM Peilan

Possible Porno Name: The Ejaculation Lode

Unsatisfied with this? Read the book again OR Choose wisely and Netflix the tops in grail fiction, Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade [trailers]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Mona Lisa’ by Nat King Cole [d] AND The LONG And Winding Road’ by The Beatles [d]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I’ve seen much worse, and it’s not unwatchable, juss a HUGE dis-a-point-mint, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

ABC AXES
INVASION

THIGHMASTER
VOWS VENGEANCE
and
VOWS TO EAT COWS

BUT WILL THE CW
SAVE THE DAY?

and flubs course, this can only mean one thing…

How dare they do what they do did. One of televenison’s mos bestest and underappreciated shows will go the way of Drexell’s Class, the one year wonder rubbish bin, after the season/series finale airs this Thursday. SHAME SHAME SHAMUS!!! This show was groundbreaking, earthshattering, neptuneshattering, uranusshattering, like a giant dildo in yer anus!! I cannot recall one single program in the history of the we-tube that had a dude with a perma-5 o’lock shadow with a hot-ass brunette wife and an even hottier-arsed blond ex-wife with a girl that looks like a monkey who showed Bill Murray her b-day suit [NSFW] with a dude with a 9-head with a kid who looks like Jack White as a kid with a guy who could totally pass for a Mog in certain circles.

Guns n’ Roses bloom again in the 1st 2 outta 4 NYC showz. I regretfully missed the Metallica/GNR tour back in the ’92, so I’m trying to make up for it by going to the bastardization version 2nite at Hammerstein. I’ll be sure to bring a pillow, since Axl probably won’t show up til 3am…. when KLF usually rocks us [vid]. Bi they gay, I’d never heard of this song b4, but I’m total cereal lovin KLF’s ‘Doctorin’ The Tardis’ [vid | d]

Initial VV Siren Fest line-up announced. Even if Jesus was playing with Hedrix AND Moses and wit Matt Sorum on drums, I’d still spend my entire day smokin doobies on the Wonder-Wheel, hittin up the battling cages, and digesting anything with bacon at indigestion land

Dude, Mandy Moore grows super fly by the minute rice AND she likes Jewish boys with good senses of humors! I know she’s talking about Zack Boo, but I think she’s secretly fingering herself in my image. Or at least that’s what my 4th personality told me.

Anderson Coops goes 420, but not that 420. When will he break out his Nash board and go all 720° on us? And why the spigs do 60 Mins keep adding correspondents? They shoulda kept 60 Mins 2 for all the 2nd rate scrubs they have on board. Speaking of, where the jim fassel has Steve Hartman and his jerkassedness been?

[MFH]
The lean, and now the wink? WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?! Hopefully it involves a lot of bending over and women

Optimus Prime time

I’m sure you didn’t see it in del previous post, cause yer sick of reading movie reviews, but… Corey Haim movie trailers

‘Chanukah’s da Bomb’ [vid] by Alan Dershowitz‘ mos flavorite band that’s appearing on the Kidzapalooza stage at Lollapalooza, Chutzpah

I know this is like 17 years too late, but I forgot how slow Martika’s ‘Toy Soldiers’ [vid|d] waz, after many a repeated thighpod listenings to Eminem’s version [d]. Howevs, I will never forgot the last trioing of powerhouse actors Wil Wheaton, Keith Coogan, and Samwise

Strangers With Candy: The Music

They say heavan is place on earth, but this shiz below is outta this world, as well as control. So much so, that I wish I could borrow dem wheels for 12 minutes and have me a 5some with Falkor/Mischa and Sasha/Childlike P in the back of this baby!!

[mo snaps vis Chaoss]
Save Buddy’s buddies

CelebFavorites.com, cause everyone really needs to know which Thomas Edison Museum Brittany Murphy frequents

The Deal Or Now Deal models

You Say Toby, I Say Tobey

Lily Allen’s mos bored fan, in VIDEO FORM!

One Love, Stay Puft

Moustache May [Precogz]

Super Ma
rio 1, now with 100% more Bullet Bill! [Go! Rilla]

для тех, кто не был в Воронеже, выкладываю шесть фото меня в составе косплей-группы по Samurai Champloo

‘Hail to the Chief’ played on the hands [Dat Nguyen]

Enema Recipes [Denver Bronchitis]

And if it was possible for two fictional men to have a child, I’d select President Logan and Miles Papazian to be the true My Two Dads. Hell, I love Miles and his last name so much, I’ll father the effin anti-Christ child!

I bringeth to you good news. Previously we reported that ABC was replacing the Heston Ten Commandments with the Mission Impossible bad guy version, but wees was wrong! The real Moses gets his proper, airing this Saturday night on ABC!

And now I give to you the 15 commandments [wav]

And for those of you in the dark (ages), guess what kinda supper Jesus’ last one was? An effin Passover Seder you ignint inquisitioners! That’s why the P-over and the Easter are always so close to each other. Now pray to our media and banks before we kill your first born with C Heston’s hot ass guns!

And now I give to you a random bearded picture of Moses juxtaposed with the always bearded Count Rugen! Why? COUNT RUGEN!!!

Peace the Jek Porkins out to a Pointer, a D12er, and the Oldies format at DC’s WBIG, where I interned one summer, and met the man of my dreams, Tony Kornheiser, who was recently interviewed by Newsday about plains, trains, and the FedEx guy

Gorillaz to put away the sunshine for good in a bag called Las Vegas? And the news gets more unluckier than the number slevin: that rumored ‘dirty’ Blur album aint droppin any time soon yos, ‘cordin to D Albs

By the gay, did you know that Madonna was virtual for 2 full minutes during her ‘duet’ with the Gorillaz at this past year’s Shammys? D-lode the studio version of their mash-up here [d vis ToxicAvenger]

30 sec clip of Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Crazy’ vid

Jarvis Cocker hearts cunts!

Conan is Chi-town gagged and bound. Get yer tickets you Grabowski jerkasses

Pikey disses’ Pierce’s 007 kisses

And while we’re gold Bonding it up, Connery’s dive may turn Casino Royale into a Royale with cheese-e-ness

Get keen on the new Keane track

Marylanders prove they have the bestest in taste. Everyone already knew they had the finest in flag [Mod Flanders]

Nebbish David Krumholtz enlisted for nebbish Woody Allen’s Nebbishpalooza ’06

t.A.T.u. Offical Store, COMING SOON! SWEEEEET!

And bet you never voted in Russian before!

Darth Maul, employed!

Magnapop, huge in the Benelux countries!

Harry Dean Stanton, dirtball, crooner

Remember the scene in Summer School where they’re taking their final? (not pictured)

David Wells… do you remember the thumbcredible song that was playing durin it? It was called ‘Mind Over Matter’ and it was fargin sung by Dottie from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure/Tommy Pickles/so effin bestest EG Dailey. D-lode like the wind, son!!

Add to the list of crap I should buy with my BlogAds money: The GCE Vectrex

Tell me you’ve seen the inning from the ’86 World Series reenacted in RBI Baseball [spnx Thinker]

‘leia probed in ass by droid‘, #45 and rising!

Catchy Tunes of Sweden

10 Best Internet Spoofs

Bid on Ex AC/DC Tour Bus

Polish Movie Posters

Find even more here AND buy some over on eBay

#9

Jay Maynard‘s Finnish equivalent [DataProcessor]

Jammer aint king of SHIT!

the scariest rectum u did ever see [NSFW]

Pinder & friend visit the army, fully clothed. Morale, and boners, hit an all time low

and

YES MA’AM! I’ll try me damndest to keep clean while tossing off all over yer hughmungoid chestazoid!!

THIS JUSS IN: Free NYC Franz Ferdinand Show Tomorrow Afternoon! Details HERE!

Sophie Scholl: The Final Days
Somewhere MLK Jr and Gandhi Are Playing Table Tennis Smiling
View Trailer

Here we go again folks, another belatedly released overly superb Germanic-crafted film that focuses on the Fatherland and NOT the Holocaust amidst WWII to get hosed on Oscar night in the Best Foreign Language category. Last year it was Downfall that got the bozak, although winner The Sea Inside was so bestest, it shoulda taken home the Best OVERALL Picture statue. Not nearly as intense as the intense D-fall, SS:TFD does pack a dollop of wallop all its own, and may be more intense than being admitted into intensive care at the University of Tennessee’s Intesive Care unit at their intense hospital (should all of that been written in the past tense? I dunno, I’m too tensed to deal. Anyone for tense-is? Wouldn’t that be nice!) Ech! Anywho, Sophie was a real person and WWII was a real war. Sophie strongly believed her country was headed in the wrong direction, so with the aid of her brother and a few udders, she stood up in a time of not standing up, by passing out pamphlets speakin nuttin but the truth. But this is Nazi Germany and since the Jews obviously don’t control the media, there’s no freedom of speech. Sophie and her coconspirators get caught and the movie takes us up to… her final days. And even with that in mind, there’s still the element of sirprize til the credits roll. What are those sirprizes? Crazy orgy scenes great filmmaking, in a very subtle way.

Recommended for those who like: bobby pins, ye olde copy machines, and Germans who sound like Hitler when they scream… wait, doesn’t every German, I mean Nazi, I mean German?

Possible Porno Name: Sophie’s Choice of Shaved Balls, For Her Final Lays

Unsatisfied with this? Ignore Ebert and Netflix Swing Kids

Apt MPupil3: ‘Die Fucking Nazi’ by Diabolic Vomit [d vis Corpse]

The Mo You Know: Learns all about Sophie and her White Rose movment, which should never be confused with the White Rose company that makes les ghetto generic grocery store items

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

BO( Jackson a)NUS!
Sophie channeler Julia Jentsch, or JJerman, as I like to call her, is probably my mos favorite Germanic actress of the 2005s and 06s!! She educated me on her hotness in The Edukators, co-starring probably my mos favorite Spanish-Germanic actor of the 2005s and 06s, Daniel Brühl!! I love JJermans!!!

The Confederate States of America
Rebel Yell Nil
View Trailer

Have you seen Spike Lee’s mos challenging joint to date, which tackles USA’s olden time exploitation of the black man in USA’s modern time, Bamboozled? If no, turn to page 16, or go to wherever fine DVDs are rented. If yes, good, you’ve already seen the movie that The Confederate States of America wishes it was 1/1873664th as good as. Franztastic premise, lousy eggzecution. Oddly Jointly enuff, this movie was ‘Presented by’ Spike. Don’t waste yer money on a theater viewing, and wait for it to air on Spike TV.

Recommended for those who like: the shitty aesthetics of UHF‘s commercials and shows, my photoshop skillz, and Mississippi mascots

Possible Porno Name: The Conjugal Stains of Elmira’s Cunt

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix READ a more interesting, more effective bit of revisionist, what if, history, Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America

Apt MPupil3s: the Tales of Uncle Remus LP from Disney’s Song of the South [d all here ]

Add To Muss Visit List: The Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia, at Ferris State U

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A Lot of Effin Merit, But Forkin No Stinkin Badges FOR YOU!!

*hispecially if yer in NYC dat is

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1) Sell A Kidney & Go See The Gorillaz at The Apollo Theater – We caught last night’s show, and we muss say, worth every penny… that my sperm donations coughed up. I mean, when else are you going to go to the Apollo Theater? Sure, the animation screen center-peace was esta roto (that’s ‘broken’ for you non-Nine Inch Nails fans), but I hactually believe that that was a happy accident. Why? Well, I caught the awkward multi-media-a-thon that was the Feb 2002 show at Hammerstein, where the music was pitch-perfect, but the performance was too impersonal. Watching people play in silhouettes, while cartoons play on a giant screen doesn’t make for a most user-friendly evening.

So tonight, when the cartoons were forcibly given the night off, the focus was solely on the musicians, who no longer could hide behind the screen. Sans Dennis Hopper and MF Doom, who’s mask was probably still at the dry cleaners, every guest star from the album showed up to bring Demon Days to life, track by track. AND OH BOY DID THEY!!! Highlights include De La Soul’s Pasemaster Mase’s endless ha-ha-ha laff, Rosie Wilson’s backing vocals outshining Shaun Ryder’s on ‘DARE’ (when I was ass-raping myself), and the kids choir from the Terry Wright Project, who seemed to enjoy themselves more than the subdued crowd (I SAY BOO YOU BLOODY YANKS). Attending this show was indeed an honor, for it is one of only 10 performances of its kind that will ever be staged. Sure, it was only 70 minutes long, but what more could one ask for? Well, since we’re asking, how bout bringing out Del Tha Funkee Homosapien for ‘Clint Eastwood’? Want more? Music Snob goes the distance + pics (like the one knicked above) vis a BV

2) Munch @ MoMA – Dude, 10th best art-ease-it of balls thyme gets a royal treatment in midtown. And if you see this eggzibition, you’ll never have to visit Oslo, Norway, EVER! Unless, of course, you win a Nobel Peace Prize, or something.

3) Biennial @ The Whitney – Not nearly as grand as the three I’ve seen since 2000, but there’s always interestingness abound when the Biennial takes over NY’s third home of art. And although all video art muss be banned, I think everyone has to give Francesco Vezzoli’s trailer for his faux remake of Gore Vidal’s Caligula a peep. I mean, women sucking on strap-ons is never a bad thing, right?

4) Soul Food @ Amy Ruth’s – Smothered fried chicken, mac n cheese, and candied yams… my trifecta of heaveness-ness. It’s up to you whether you want to wash it down with fresh lemonade or the Kool-Aid of the day

5) Re-Watch Last Night’s Sopranos – Cause any episode where Paulie Walnuts is king, is king!!

6) Netflix The Squid & The Whale – duhvs

7) Celebrate College Basketball Tonight – Even dough George Mason is gone, but not forgotten, after tonight, it’s nothing but basebore until NFL preaseason. Wake me up in August, but in the meantime GO NATS!!!

8) Shave Your Grundle – or ELSE!!!