Thighs Wide Shut

Kick-Ass
Escape From The Planet of The Capes
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Wanna know what kicks ass in Kick-Ass?  Certainly not our even dorkier Peter Parkerish title character (Brit Aaron Johnson, a mother lover if there ever was one, pretending a tad too hard to be a dorkier American Peter Parker), his best buds (Clark Duke and Evan Peters, with nothing to do, cept for us to imagine how each of them would have fared in Kick-Ass’ costume), his pointless pursuit of his pointless Mary Jane Watson (Lyndsy Fonseca, missing an ‘e’ in her name, and any sort of screen presence), his semi-nemesis Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, forever stuck in McLovin mode), Red Mist’s gangster dad (Mark Strong, who’s the Samuel L Jackson of never saying no to taking a bad guy role), Red Mist’s dad’s Jersey boy thugs (no names worth noting), Toronto standing in for New York (again???) + a generic, tired, trying to be way too energetic soundtrack (think we need a moratorium placed on the use of J Jett’s ‘Bad Reputation’)

Wait, we didn’t name a dang thing that kicked-ass!  Bare with us.  We haven’t read one word of writer Mark Millar & illustrator John Romita, Jr‘s overly-meta comic book series, but then again, neither did director Matthew Vaughn and co-screenwriter Jane Goldman.  That’s cause they started filming the movie when the 3rd issue hit newsstands (do comics even hit newsstands anymore?)!  It kinda shows, cause there’s no full vision on display, juss a chop suey of superhero conventions that sometimes play dumb and loose, like Mystery Men, and when convenient, serious and meditative like Watchmen

Vaughn is a little out of his depth here in caped-crusaderville, which makes it two times in a row (after the messy Stardust) that he’s been unable to jump cleanly into another genre.  And yet he’s got some fight in him.  Lest we forget that he produced Guy Ritchie’s first two scruffy Limey fun-fests, and then showed his own skill with his delicious-enuff Layer Cake. His command of fisticuffs is his bread and butter, and when he unleashes it in Kick-Ass, it… KICKS ASS (rated R style)!!!  It’s easy to lose interest with what’s going on in the first two Kick-Ass character-centric acts, but when the throwdown climax jazzed all up in our faces, the gripes found in the first paragraph disappeared quicker than the Detroit Lions come playoff time

So if Kick-Ass himself doesn’t kick-ass in Kick-Ass, who does?  Two characters who do deserve their own comic and movie, free of the chirpy cheese dripping in their path: father and daughter vigilantes Big Daddy and Hit-Girl.  Nicolas Cage IS Big Daddy and IS awesome.  His character’s a loose electrical wire, with a killer ‘stache, but Cage is somewhat restrained… well, at least when compared to his Big Easy over the top sleazy work in Bad Lt.  But the real draw here and overall is Chloë Moretz as Hit-Girl.  Every minute she’s on screen, she lights it up, and knocks us out.  And every minute she isn’t on screen, well, Kick-Ass could use a good kick in the ass, at the hand of her foot

Sealed With A Twiss: as in Deborah Twiss, and her mammoth mammaries, which are showcased (clothed, which sometimes is hotter than not) and drooled upon (not literally) in Kick-Ass

pee es – Sophie Wu aint so bad neither

Verdictgo: it’s all a hit with Hit-Girl, and there’s enuff of her in it to make this Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Ass rips it at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Who Do You Love
Unbroken Record On Repeat
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Poor Jerry Zaks and his letting the good times roll Leonard Chess piece (chess piece!) biopic Who Do You Love.  Apparently his take on the Chess Records saga couldn’t beat Cadillac Records to theaters, and so it sat shelved for two years before finally, and rightfully getting a release.  While it’s certainly not on the same level of C Records, mostly in terms of star wattage and rawkin like Dokken songs, don’t discount WDYL for one second, or even two!  It’s juss as fun, juss as in love with its subject, and pays juss as much attention to the period detail, even if it doesn’t exactly pay strict attention to fact

This Chess game (chess game!) delves a little bit more into the family matters, with Leonard (chameleon Alessandro Nivola), his wife (Lisa Goldstein), partner brother (Jon Abrahams), who was barely touched upon in Cadillac, getting about as much TLC as Muddy Waters (David Oyelowo), Bo Diddley (Robert Randolph) and Little Walter (Miko DeFoor) do.  Also getting extra due diligence is multi-tasker and Chess right-hand man Willie Dixon (the always wise-cracking Chi McBride).  One thing we didn’t really get, and kinda turned into a big distraction, was the character Ivy Mills (Megalyn Echikunwoke, see below).  We say character, cause she isn’t a real person, and serves as a stand-in composite for Etta James.  But why?  WHY???  The only thing we won’t question is her hot naked body getting a few moments of glorious screen-time

Repeat movies released around the same time aren’t uncommon, but the world rarely needs two volcano movies.  We see no issue with non-fictional subjects getting a double-dip, especially if each has its own identity.  Such is the case here and was with the dueling Truman Capote pics, Capote and Infamous.  Sadly, no one cared about Toby Jones’ leaps and bounds munch better work as the nasaly author, since Phil C Hoffs & Co. got to the finish line first, and the same will probably be true with WDYL.  It’s all a game of who do you love, but why not embrace both?

aWoke The Sleeping Beauty: that name again is Megalyn Echikunwoke.  this is what she looks like.  YUM

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Love knows no bounds in NY only today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chloe
Home Not So Sweet Home Wrecker
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Lettuce cut right to the chase with Atom Egoyan‘s Chloe: Amanda Seyfried + Julianne Moore = hot girl on lady action, even if there aint much of it.  We kinda juss ruined whatever build up comes before that, but do you really care about anything else in this movie now that we’ve mentioned that?  Maybe you do, so this is how it got there: Moore thinks her hubby Liam Neeson is cheating on her, and after she randomly meets prostitute Seyfried in a bathroom, she hires her to sorta go after Qui-Gon Jinn, without going too far, but after she goes too far everything goes too farther and Moore starts getting hot and heavy for Seyfried, just like Seyfried wanted all along, but when Moore starts to back off, Seyfried goes batty and we’re handed a ham-handed finale straight outta the Fatal Attraction playbook, but it doesn’t play well, and all the hotness and interest in the film almost instantly is forgotten, but how can hotness like that be forgotten?

We’re Totally Gay For: Moore & Neeson’s screen son Max Thieriot.  Thieriot was the star of Moore’s real-life hubby Bart Freundlich‘s pic Catch That Kid, which co-starred that one-note actress making the rounds these days

Verdictgo: it’s truly a Sum Meriter, but Amanda on Julianne alone = Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chloe opens today in select theaters

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Greenberg
Slow Times At Grudgemont Low
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Ben Stiller is a serious actor! remember? Noah Baumbach can do wit on the west coast! and the west coast apparently has made him lazy! Jennifer Jason Leigh is still his wife! and currently her greatest employer! Greta Gerwig can’t act!  there are reports to the contrary on this, but this notion comes from the same people who actually enjoy the mumblecore movies she usually inhabits and shows her breasts in!  This is the brunt of what makes up the mostly frustrating, lightly fascinating Greenberg, a not so friendly, friendly film about an unstable, although seems to be purty stable Stiller, who’s a happy to be lost soul, who is really an unhappy found soul, trying to make a connection, yet not really trying to make a connection, in a jaded, although not really jaded LA landscape, while house sitting for his brother, or maybe he’s doing some house standing???  Lotta contradictions there, eh?  Well, that’s how it feels to watch this uneven affair that kinda floats and floats, and boasts and boasts, and goes every which way, but mostly sideways, on the way to something about possibly understanding the character and motivations of Greenberg, but in the end we don’t know jack or Greenberg, and still don’t get the whole Greta Gerwig is an actress thing.  Rhys Ifans can act, and his interactions with Stiller work.  Wish there was more of that.  Stiller also has a good rapport with the dog he’s looking after.  The dog is the most likable character in the movie.  The dog is more likable than anything found in Margot At The Wedding.  Neither ‘berg or Margot live up to the bestness that was The Squid and The Whale.  All three are better than anything we’ve seen Greta Gerwig in.  Not a total abortion, or anything to force Noah’s mom into having one, even if there is an abortion in the movie, for no other reason than to have an abortion in the movie, but maybe it’s cause J-J-Leigh had one in Fast Times.  Wish Greenberg’s Cali BFF was Spicoli.  Wish Judge Reinhold JOed in every movie

Bries Nuts :  you can take yer Alison Brie and keep her cause we’ll stick with Greenberger and Unwatchable  States of Tara coming and up hottie Brie Larson.   mmmmmmmmmmm Brie

Verdictgo: all kinds of messy, but we’d still take this over 3838388345555642 other flicks, so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Greenberg is currently screenberging in NY & LA only, and soon to spoon st elsewhere st elsesoon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Runaways
Blackhearts & Coronets
Official Website | Trailer & Mo

Dakota Fanning has forever been that adorable wunderkind child actress, who had yet to fully grow into a woman.  Overhyped/underwhelming southern gothic rape flick aside, she finally graduates into adulthood, and then some in Floria Sigismondi‘s lackadaisical, yet funadaisical The Runaways, a look back at the brief flash in the pan that was the teenage all girl rock group of the same name.  Dakota plays Cherie Currie, the band’s centerpiece, and reluctant sexpot.  And while Currie herself wasn’t necessarily ready and able to fill that role (she now makes art… with a chainsaw!), her screen counterpart is, and it’s a revelation that’s equal parts magnificent (she will NOT be another flamed out child actor!), as it is uncomfortable (we never wanted to think of I Am Sam‘s daughter in a sexual way, EVER, but we now have no choice)

Kristen Stewart also occupies space in The Runaways, as band co-founder Joan Jett, and although she emotes the most she has since Panic Room, it’s less of a performance of note.  Stewart may look the part, donning the perfect Jett-black wig, but she isn’t very good at doing anything with it.  Maybe she should stick to the confused teenage roles, where she can brood for an eternity that will last longer than her beloved Edward’s life.  The other rockettes (Stella Maeve as drummer Sandy West, Scout Taylor-Compton as guitarist Lita Ford & Alia ‘Maeby Fünke’ Shawkat as Robin, who isn’t even listed on their wiki page) don’t add much either, but then again, they’re given as much top billing here as the Pussycats do behind Josie

It’s all a purty rudimentary band rises, band sorta falls sorta sorted tale, but still, it’s worth the lending of your eyes to watch Dakota’s ascent north, as well as a good eggscuse to catch the hammazin Michael Shannon get all batty as the catty brains behind the whole operation, impresario Kim Fowley.  Thirst for mo you will, so for further rocking from that era, and on Fowley + Rodney Bingenheimer (who pops in here as well), Netflix Mayor of Sunset Strip and thirst no mo!

Pup-py Love: in the movie, Fanning’s sister works at a fictional fast food spot called Pup ‘n’ Fries, which is an homage to no longer in bidness SoCal treasure Pup ‘n’ Taco, which most of us non-West Coasters only know thru the words of Fletch F Fletch

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Runaways goes every which way today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…