Grima Wormtongue Piercing
Hey Pirate Radio (which was once called The Boat That Rocked in its Native country and was somehow 20 minutes achingly longer) wake us up when yer done being so in love with yerself. Yeah, seriously, get a room with yerself, and then sink to the bottom of the ocean and never submerge or re-emerge or whatever merge cause you are AWFULes like really bad waffles or wiffle ball bats or Casey at Batman’s or Casey Kasem and Sean Casey watching Kazaam. Yes, seriously, yes. NO!!! NO!!! Ships a-oy!! WHY Richard Curtis y? X? Y? Zzzzzzzz? No one should love actually this movie. Notting OFF, not hill. Five funerals, no weddings! Bridget Jones would have a diarrhea if she saw this film you call a movie that is straight up, straight down unfunny, unfortunate, and unwatchable. January Jones shows up and proves once again that she’s about as talented as Christmas Jones. OK, so the fact that pirate radio stations in the UK’s high seas eggsisted is kinda um-musing, but why take that and then put the world’s giantestistest anchor into your storytelling and then make Kenneth Brawn-aaaaaaah have the mos grating role in his acting career that has stalled more recently than all the stalls found in Jerry Stahl’s shower stall museum that he co-owns with Armin Müller-Stahl. We HATED this movie more than we hated your mom cause she vomited on our cock. The End!
Musick To Our Stomachs: great soundtrack, but as the even greater A.O. Scott pointed out, most of the songs used cames out after 1966, when the film supposedly takes places. boooooo urns. want a real pirate radio movie, when then PUMP UP THE MOTHERFORKIN VOLUME!!!
Verdictgo: WURST IN SHOW aka Slit Dem Eyes Out RePOOOOOOOOOPelusssz!!!
Remember when Nic Cage overacted his heart out playing Nic Cage trapped in John Travolta’s body pretending to be John Travolta in Face/Off? Well imagine if Nic Cage was trapped in John Travolta’s body, but tried to be Nic Cage, but was also trapped inside his own body and also tried to be Nic Cage and those two bodies were really one body and that body attended a school of over-overacting, and he was so good at overacting that he was a shoe and a sock in for valedictorian of over the counter overacting. Can you imagine it? Can you? YOU CAN! Throw in Werner Herzog, some hallucinogenic iguanas, MURDER!, the deep dirty south, Val Kilmer, Grima Wormtongue, Eva Mendes playing a whore juss like she is, a dog, Jennifer Coolidge acting serious, drugs, more drugs, more overacting, some black people, Xzibit being one of them, and Xzibit being one of the wurstest ‘rappers’ turned ‘actors’, multiply all of that times crazy crazy crazy like the Crazy Bread from Little Caesars and your port of call is a port of AUTHORITY! The cage has been broken and you will laugh! You’ll be scared, and you may juss forgive Cage for being Cage. Cage closed. Or is just opening? Cage against the machine!
Out Of Mind Out Of Time: 1987 – proposes to Patricia Arquette at first sight. She refuses; he suggests a ‘quest’ to prove his love. She asks for J. D. Salinger’s autograph, a black orchid, a Bob’s Big Boy statue, and a Tibetan wedding dress. Cage obliges; Arquette again refuses, then relents in 1995; marriage lasts six years [The Wild, Wild Ways of Nicolas Cage, a timeline]
Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers and a creepers!!
There was a box and it had a button. If a couple (the dude with the laser eyes in X-Men and the girl that we’d all bang but looks like the Cuban Joker) pushes the button then they get 1 millionnnns dollars but someone dies, someone thighs and Frank Lungjello still has part of his mouth face missing!!! what? WHAT@!!@! They DO push the button, which activates the box so someone dies, we think and then people start acting strange cause it’s the 70s!! The dude works sorta at NASA, and it’s a movie directing by the Donnie Darko cat. Got it, but that doesn’t explain the really strange library where Jerri Blank’s stepmother works (maybe?). What about that other stuff, stiff, aliens, what? What’s that light? Why are things happening that make no sense or dollars? Do you cents something strange? We have no clue what happened in the movie but it was kinda cool, right? YES. On second thought, still yes, but hey, a movie doesn’t have to make sense to make change for a dollar, whether it’s an American one or an Australian dollar or whether the weather can make a pitcher out of a picture. Read that reed, and pee on a pea, you. YES, ewe!!!
We Can’t Handle The Turths: wanna know what The Box is alls about? PUSH HERE!!
Verdictgo: with reservations, still Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers
theses movies are already doing things in theaterses NOW
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…