Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Wednesday, May 12

The Long Delayed
Mean Girls Review

It's quite hard to pinpoint when my obsession with Lindsay Lohan began. I never caught her stint on Another World or peeped her double take in the Parent Trap remake. But she was only a tot, not 17, going on legal. I guess my LL infatuation was born out of my weakness for body-switching movies (Vice Versa, Like Father, Like Son, et al). That’s what dragged me and my LL accomplice, Megbot, to the theaters to see Freaky Friday. I was not blown away by the witty dialog, but by the precocious (my favorite word) girl who swapped bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis (lettuce not even explore the whole hermaphrodite thing peoples!). I was awestrucked, moonstrucked, thunderstruck, and monstertrucked by her uber-awesomeness. As I walked out of the theater, I knew my life had changed forever. Too bad that my epiphany occurred BTME (Before Thigh Master Era). The very first mention of LL on this site was in the first ever Box Office Bidness report. I had claimed that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen was the "Best Lindsay Lohan movie of 2004". Well, that statement isn't true anymore cause Mean Girls is the best Lindsay Lohan movie EVER. Forever ever? Well, it's mos def no Citizen Kane, but its mos certainly not Raising Cain.

I would have seen it opening day, camped out even, but partying like a rockstar in the desert took precedence. I was still a walking zombie after all the funnel cake dust settled, but nothing was going to stop my destiny of seeing this movie. I assembled a so shady crew of 6 (including myself) to see this wet dream on screen. Two of the posse, Megbot and Kid Kadoji, dropped out due to being a bunch of ninnies. That left yer humble Thigh Master, the Pak-Man, Levitticus, and The Thinker to be a bunch of perverts. This flick turned out to be part one of my "Night That Will Live In Infamous". It was also the same very night as the Friends series finale. Like I give massive-two-shits whether or not Chandler ends up owning a Starbucks, or if Rachel falls in love with an amoeba, or Ross fulfilling his dream of meeting a black person on the show. With this must see TV event on, that left the theater virtually empty. Gawd bless the death of the modern sitcom! Note: The Thigh Master is hella ghetro and never pays for treats at the movies. I go to a CVS or a Rite Aid beforehand and load up on Milk Duds, Twiz-nizzlers, and a huge bottle o' water. For this movie, I was triple-prepared. I bought along some Lubriderm, Kleenex, condoms, sunglasses, and a raincoat.

Before the picture started, we were treated to a slew of horrid movie previews. They were so un-um-credible that they deserved their own posting. Anywho, on with the show!!

I'm a little bit biased here cause I love Lohan more than I love my lefthand, but Mean Girls is a MUSS C MOVIE. I aint margo kidding here folks!!! This is the first movie that perfectly employs LL's monster acting chops, comic timing, and bodacious body all into one nice package. If you want to know the plot, go see the movie. All you need to know is that this movie ROCKS, even more than LL's website. And it's not just LL's hot bod on display here. We got the hot chick from The Hot Chick, that lil girl from Party of Five that aint so little any mo, and some ditzy blonde newcumer. With my pants around my ankles for much of the flick, it was rather hard to reach for the Kleenex AND the Milk Duds at the same time. So little time, so much on my mind and so much in my hands. Eeeeeesh, I'm started to scare meself.

This is one of the best teen movies in a long-ass time. And I've seen a boat load of em. It was a realistic take on high school life. Not some candy-coated crap on a stick like Rachel Leigh Cook turning from an "ugly nerdy girl" to Freddieeddeee Prinnznzze Jr's dreamgirl in She's All That. SNL is an hour and a 1/2 of Clockwork Orange torture, but Tina Fey's script shined. It shined so much that even the hopeless Tim Meadows rocked! That is the first time I have ever made that statement. This is Tim Meadows we're talking bout for crying out loud!!! The supporting cast was fantabulous and the costume changes were to die for. The only real negative aspect of the entire film was when lots of water gots dumped on the girls and the director didn't allot enuff wet t-shirt screen time... unlike Kirsten Yum in Spidey 1. Enuff of this review. Just go see this movie NOW. And if my review wasn't enuff to get the masses off der assesses, then maybe these pictures will convince you:

Lohan reading,
so f-in HOT

Lettuce kiss &
wear make-up

Want to touch
my wood?

With a rebel yell I cried,
"Lo, Lo, Lohan!"

How do I transfer
to this school?

LL is so naughty,
yet so nice

I wanna get my Santa paws
all over these liz-adies

Lindsay Lohan. Who are you and where did you come from? Is your daddy a thief? Well then who stole the stars from the sky above and put them in your eyes? Does the tag on your shirt read "Made In Heaven"? More importantly, will you marry me sweet cheeks? I know you'll never read this, but maybe someone could kindly pass along this posting to her peoples.