Thighs Wide Shut

Haywire
The MMA Experience
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

Having a tough time trying to figure out what to make of Steven Nerderbergh‘s Haywire.  It’s kinda La Femme Nikitaish, but feels more like a 90s Steven Seagal flick with shades of whatever that Jim Jarmusch movie was.  See what we mean?  But there’s one thing that’s super clear - Gina Carano kicks ass, on screen and in general.  Credit Nerderbergh for plucking her from his TV watching to his movie-making, but maybe he should have left the plucking to someone else.   He’s got this ace in the hole, but doesn’t seem to know what to do with it, cept occasionally let her kick

Apparently what he decided to do was make a half-baked tale of a hired gun (foot?) who gets double crossed and then needs to double back in order to set things doubly straight.  By the time we get to the end and the 5 Ws get ‘revealed’, it seems a little too late to make this simple plot seem complex

But… it really doesn’t matter what transgressed cause we get to watch Carano mix it up all over America and Europe with the likes of Ewan McGregor (why don’t movies juss let him speak in his natural accent?), Michael Fassbender (no wang dangling here), Michael Angarano (hey, it’s that guy!), Channing Tatum (he’s kinda the best wurst actor ever), Michael Douglas (brings instant gravitas to anything), Antonio Banderas (bearded!), Mathieu Kassovitz (also bearded! and always a pleasure to see him) and Bill Paxton (who’s so great that someone had to make a pinball game about him!).  And any movie with that crew crewing it up is bound to be watchable, cause it’s true

moral of the story: this is a good start for Carano’s young movie career, but ultimately it’s kinda like a Girlfriend Experience with zero sex and more kicking

American Glad We Don’t Hate Her: WE KNEW CARANO LOOKED FAMILIAR!!!! 

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Haywire kicks it at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Beginners
My Small Skinny Gay Dead Father
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 105 min

Christopher Plummer is gay after living a long life of not being gay. Ewan McGregor is his son, who’s never been lucky in love, and just lost his father, not to gayness, but to death. Mélanie Laurent is a hot French chick who may be the key for Obi Wan to BEGIN again, sorta like how his father BEGAN again after coming out of the closet!!!! Welcome to Mike Mills‘ autobiographical Beginners, which is full of beginnings AND endings, and three movies in one that work well together, when usually three movies in one tear a singular movie  apart. What’s the third movie? Lil Ewan and his relationship with his deceased mother, which may hactually be the strongest of the three.  It’s all a funny, loveable and depressing affair, but not too much of any of those, and again, it works all the better because of that.  And that is that.  Where do you begin and this review end?  This review is over, so begin at a movie theater showing this

Crepes of Wrath: Mélanie Laurent is super hot (and JEWISH!!!) and her dad does the following voice overs for the French language version of The Simpsons - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Waylon Smithers, Barney Gumble, Carl, Lou, Eddie, Troy McClure, Rainier Wolfcastle, Lionel Hutz, Chalmers, Hans Moleman, Disco Stu, and Duffman … to name a few!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Beginners is currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

never 5 get

Shannon Elizabeth at the 2001 MTV Movie Awards

+ Dick’s pole [SFW]

+ Scottish commentating legend says he was surprised to soundtrack Ewan McGregor’s Trainspotting orgasm

+ he makes love to Popeyes more than we do

+

Leonor Watling, still hot, still our girl

I Love You Phillip Morris
The Not So Fab Fab Life
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Jack Abramoff’s story was too good to be true and too good to not be turned into a movie (and a doc too!).  Well, Jack’s got nothing on Steven Russell’s ins & outs, of jobs & jails, all in the name of love… of another man!!!  And so rightfully so, Steve-R gets his own big screen treatment by the Bad Santa writers and now first time directors Glenn Ficarra & John Requa, although it took its dang time getting to American screens.  Worth the wait?  Sure, why not. It’s kinda like a gay Catch Me If You Can In The Can!  Although it does ramble and amble at times, Jim Carrey is able to balance the yuks, the drama (he’s so good at it, and yet Hollywurst keeps em from it!!!) and the gayness while portraying such a complex character as Mr Russell is.  Throw in the super smiley Ewan McGregor as the loved Phil Morris, and you got yerself one mostly gay ole time!!

Good Vibrations: lead DeVotchka man Nick Urata scored the film, even turning one of his band’s songs, ‘I Cried Like a Silly Boy‘, into a breezy theremin instrumental mental theme song that goes by the name of ‘Faking Death’ [empee3]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Phil Morris is currently getting sum Love in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…