Tag Archives: Dakota Fanning

Reboot Camp

Friday the 13th
Who Could Axe For More? Everyone!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jason Voorhees is back and he’s badder than ever just about the same/lame as you remember him! Producer Michael Bay and director Marcus Nispel (not to be confused with Nipsey Russell) have reteamed to remake/not improve upon another horror classic, like they pointlessly did with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (although we still stand by the claim that the TCM prequel was > than the Star Wars prequels). This is the 11th Friday the 13th movie (or 12th, if you count Freddy vs Jason) and you know they aint gonna stop making these until you stop paying to see em, or at least until they hit #13. Called a ‘reboot’ (still officially one of the wurstest/most annoying terms used in print, since at least 2006), this new and not at all scary FT13 is about as necessary as owning a They Are Who We Thought They Wereâ„¢ hat (come to think of it, owning that hat is kinda necessary). At least the moviemakers (we wouldn’t dare call them ‘filmmakers’) had the common indecency to include some solid T&A and have their refarted characters (including this dude who totally wishes he was Matt McCoughney circa Dazed & Confused and Aaron Yoo, who is also known as annoying Asian guy, but is not as annoying as this annoying Asian guy) spew dialog that was kinda sorta high-lariously written, such as ‘Your tits are stupendous!‘. Next up for Bay (and Nipsey Nispel) is a repooping of A Nigthmare on Elm Street, followed by a repoop of The Birds with Naomi Watts. What’s with all the repoops Bay? If you love these classics so much and want to introduce them to a whole new generation of moviegoers why don’t you juss re-release the originals in theaters (juss like the successful run of The Exorcist in 2000) instead of repooping all over them? Repoop!

Damsels In Dis-Dress:

gawd bless the bodies of work of Julianna Guill, Danielle Panabaker & Willa Ford… although cutie-pie mcgee/young Jeanne Tripplehorn look-alike Panabaker sadly keeps her clothes on the entire time

Verdictgo: with all this repoop talk, you’d think that this would be a no doubt repoopulous affair, but it’s not entirely unwatchable, so Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

It Comes To Shove
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Push looks 100% awesome, but makes -348386 sense and is about .001% entertaining. It’s kinda like Heroes or X-Men, where everyone and yer nana has a special power and everyone else is out to get them, yet it’s more confusing and doesn’t star Greg Grunberg or is directed by Brett Ratner. It hactually stars a sorta growns up Dakota Fanning (who draws the future like that drawer of the future from Heroes) and that dude from Amistad and that guy who’s the flaming gay brother of Jessica Alba and Camilla belle’s eyebrows, which are so hot, but for most of the movie they make her too sweaty and beat-up looking, which totally is not her steez, but later on in the movie she cleans up and looks like good old Camilla Belle and she’s the bestest belle since Albert Belle was on the O’s, justin case you plumb forgot. We can’t remember what the premise of the movie was or what anyone’s powers were (besides the power of Asians screaming) or why any of it mattered, but wethinks it inolved some sorta ongoing battle between the Movers, Pushers, Wacthers, Bleeders, Sniffs, Shifters, Wipers, Shadows and Stitchers (thanks Wikipedia!). Wonder if the Movers are also Shakers and if any Quakers are also Shakers and if any of them live in Shaker Heights, Ohio? Are you as lost as Hurley? So are we, so we’ll stop now and forever hold our peace pipe about a movie so hard to watch that it makes the new Friday The 13th look like the old Friday The 13th

We Wanna Be Her Pusher: meat 李小璐 aka Li Xiao Lu aka Jacqueline Li aka Lu Lu aka our future wife

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Friday and Push are currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Merit Badgers

He’s Just Not That Into You
She’ll Be Into It, You Just Won’t Not
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There’s a wildly popular book that we haven’t read called He’s Just Not That Into You (which is based off of a line of dialog from a wildly popular show that we didn’t watch called Sex & The City) that explains to women the most obvious truths about men and their actions and how they don’t want to bang you. The fact that a tonz of ladies out there couldn’t figure that out on their own, from the fact that they weren’t being banged, and had to be told thru a book makes us want to cry (and bang some women, but not necessarily those particular ladies cause we’re not that into you). Anywho, for those who never took on this reading assignment (most men, women who get banged, people who can’t read, people who hate people), here comes a dumb downed motion picture version that’s basically 19 generic romantic comedies rolled into one giant generic romantic drama (or were they aiming for comedy? hard to tell since it wasn’t funny or very dramatic). Anywho, it appears that director Ken Kwapis has access to an amazing casting director and has some sorta of vendetta against paying audiences cause all he wants to do is hand in films with scripts that were written in urine, in the snow, and everyone knows that urine in snow tell the worstest stories!! First Kwapis tortured us with License to Wed (aka I Now Pronounce You One Giant Piece of Sh$t) and now he’s back, but at least he had the good sense to leave Robin Williams on the sidelines this poo around. We’ll give Kwapie a minor pass in general since he’s produced episodes of The Office, one of if not the best show goings on the telly

The movie focuses on straight white ladies and the straight white men they either want to bang, are banging, or aren’t banging enuff. What, gay, Asian, black and purple womensz don’t have love problems like straight white womenz have? And who cares about straight white ladies’ problems hispecially since straight white people be more out than the Bull Moose party. Letttuce meet our lovebirds and how they’re all loosely related and loosely developed, shall we? There’s poor lil Ginnifer Goodwin, who’s more clueless than a person who once owned the board game Clue, lost it, and is now Clue-less. She can’t score with Kevin Connolly cause maybe he only dates ducks cause he talks like a duck. Anywho, Kevin’s trying to bang Scarlett Johansson, cause she looks like a lion and has an enormous rack, but she’s totally sweating Bradley Cooper (who kinda looks like a porn star), a married man married to Jennifer Connelly, who isn’t a man, but she works with Ginnifer and Jennifer Aniston and like twenty other ‘innfers. Aniston has been with Ben Affleck for ages but he’s not the marrying kind cause his old lady was J-Lo and after she took up with that ghoul Marc Anthony his pride was hurt and he knows that Aniston in real life will never end up marrying anyone so he juss strings her along cause he’s just not that into marrying her. Anywho, Justin Long is a wise bar owner who sells Apple products at a discount price. He also avoids banging his hostess Busy Philipps cause he’s a bit too busy AND philipps. Long takes Ginnifer under his wing and helps her learn to fly. They’re perfect for each other, but the characters won’t realize this until the end credits begin to roll, which doesn’t happen until the 1283819 false endings finally become true endings. Drew Barrymore is in the movie for no real reason other than the fact that she’s got a killer smile and she’s a producer of the film and that she totally wasn’t into that dude who wanted to have a date with her cause no one is into that guy. Kris Kristofferson and that gay dude from My So Called Life pop their heads in from time to time and we’re happy to see them working, but we’d rather see a movie where the two of them are lovers and own a glass blowing factory. Stuff happens in this movie, yet nothing really happens, bonds are made and hearts are broken, and white people are white people, so why should this movie be? Sorry, but it weren’t juss that weren’t into it just not, although czech out a ladies opinion on the film from our gal pal over at the bestest Bachelor Bloggg

Nodds & Bends: lil Morgan Lily > Eli Lilly + The Morgan Library, extra Chihiro Fujii apparently does some NSFW extracurricular activities, and Jocelin Donahue definitely earned the role of ‘Cute Girl’

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Force Is Not Strong With This One
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember seeing Spaceballs back in the ’87 and thinking it was the mos genius spoof of the Star Wars galaxy, but later in life came to realize it really wasn’t all that funny and was hactually (gasp) purty darn lame (look, we love ‘we aint found shit‘ as much as the next guy, but
the movie aint nearly as good as you remember it)? The same won’t be said of Fanboys cause we don’t need the passage of time to figure out how purty darn lame this Star Wars-fused comedy is. The events in the film take place in the year leading up to The Phantom Menace‘s release as our freaks and geeks (the new Jimmy Olsen, that skinny kid, the voice of Gossip Girl, one of those kids from The Girl Next Door, and Dan Fogler, a huge comic talent waiting to explode… if only someone could get him a decent script) will stop at nothing short of breaking into Skywalker Ranch to catch a sneak peek at it (and their motivation to do so is cause one of the characters is dying, yet they treat that fact so lightly that we thought it was a joke). Their excitement of the first new Star Wars film in 16 years is certainly understandable, since we all felt the same way, and had this movie been made in 1998/9, maybe this mild mannered Lucas love affair woulda worked, but as we all know the new Star Wars episodes ended up sucking and who really wants to celebrate a movie that celebrates the release of a movie that shouldn’t have been released. That aside, the film never takes full advantage of its golden opportunity to riff on Star Wars fan culture. Sure, there’s some yucks (and by some, we’d say a total of 4 laffs) to be found when referencing the old films, but it’s no mountain that hasn’t been climbed before, like with Family Guy‘s overrated ‘Blue Harvest’ episode or Robot Chicken’s roast. As for the Billy Dee Williams, Carrie Fisher and William Shatner cameos? They woulda been better off starring in a Cash 4 Gold commerical with MC Hammer and Ed McMahon than wasting their time with Fanboys. You shouldn’t either and instead juss gaze at its hammazin (Apatowish) poster. Then again, what are we to expect from a movie that has Seth Rogen playing two different roles? One Seth Rogen is enuff, but two? That’s way too much Seth Rogen for anyone to handle

Dex’s Diner: never forget Jedi Chefs!

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Dread Buttons
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The stop motion magic from the dude who gave us The Nightmare Before Christmas is back, and after working with the zany creations by such loony bins like Roald Dahl and Tim Burton, he’s returning to weirdo alley again by tackling a Neil Gaiman book, but this time the stakes are higher, cause this baby’s in 3-D (it’s like watching that Scarecrow GE commercial thru a View-Master)!!! Lil Coraline (not ‘Caroline’, but juss as sweet as the one in Neil Diamond’s song, who looks like a claymated Punky Brewster and is voiced with perfect pitch by Dakota Fanning), and her family just moved to cloudy Oregon, where her days are filled with loneliness and boredom. Mom (Teri Hatcher, actually better heard here than seen anywhere) and pop (the PC guy… wonder who’s gonna win the battle of MAC vs PC at the box office this weekend?) won’t give her the time of day, let alone cook her something decent to eat. Then one day Coraline finds a portal to an alternate world that’s just like her own, yet in this new one she’s the center of her parents attention, and the home cooked meals can’t be beat (plus she gets to listen to the voices of Ian McShane and Keith David). Everything’s perfect in this idealized place, but maybe a little too perfect (and what’s with everyone having buttons for eyes?). Cracks begin to show and Coraline becomes caught between two worlds. The proceedings are a lil too strange, cold and creepy for most tykes to fully enjoy, and while some parents may feel the same way, it’s hard to pass up a gloriously vivid color paletted 3-D adventure that will make you wish you were ‘shrooming your balls off

Giants of Industry: originally They Might Be Giants were to create numerous songs for the film’s soundtrack, but only one teeny 28 second song made the final cut

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Not That Into You and Coraline open thighs wide, while Fanboys hits up limited theaters today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


The Dakota Fanning Gets Raped Movie Review + Other Fun

Ghost Town
Ghost In The Mush-Sheen
Trailers & Mo

From the man that wrote the screenplay for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (read into that however you likes) comes a film that greatly suffers from genre personality disorder. David Koepp’s Ghost Town starts off as a light comedy that turns into a light romantic comedy, then into a not so light romantic drama and finally ends up being a light drama, complete with aliens in a Mayan temple. This roller coaster of mishmashed emotions serves as Ricky Gervais‘ first starring role in a Hollywood movie, after bit parts that stood out in such poop as Stardust, Night At The Museum and For Your Consideration. Gervais, best know for playing David Brent on the UK version of The Office, is a solid choice to play wise-cracking, people loathing dentist Bertram Pincus (can you say bestest character name of the year?), cause he’s the only one keeping this film afloat. He’s relatively unknown in the States, but for audiences who go and see this fluff piece, hopefully that won’t be the case anymore. After having a near-death experience at the hospital, Gervais makes like Haley Joel Omelette and sees dead people. His Bruce Willis is Greg Kinnear, a cheating husband who got ran over by a bus, and his Olivia Williams (where the ef have you been, you cutie pie?) is Téa Leoni, the widow that Kinnear wants Gervais to prevent from marrying some d-bag. He’s reluctant at first, but eventually takes on the assignment, and in the process starts falling for Leoni, as well as re-evaluating his wise-cracking, people loathing ways. Didn’t see that coming, did you? There are a bunch of other ghosts (including Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off!) begging Pincus to help them as well, but there’s so little attention paid to them until the very end that it feels kinda tacked on. To make up for it, they should turn this idea into a TV sitcom, where Ricky G helps dead people. Maybe they can make Haley Joel Omelette his partner and then we can see them seeing dead people! DEAD PEOPLE!!!!

The Song Doesn’t Remain The Same: although the choice of using the Beatles ‘I’m Looking Through You’ in the title sequence was a fine one, we think they missed a golden opp to use the Specials’ classic song that shares the same name as the film’s title [d]

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Battle In Seattle
WTOh Snap!
Trailers & Mo

In 1999 the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss things and stuff about the organization, the world and trading (sounds juss as thrilling as the snooze-fest Trade Federation scenes in the new Star Wars movies, eh?). It was all poorly organized (sorry, there was no better word to use) and to make splatters worse, there were a zillion different groups protesting the meetings. What started off as simple civil disobedience, qwikly turned ugly, and bloody and gassy (not in a flatulence kinda way) and all hell broke loose. Windows were smashed, and so were faces, as the city was forced to send in the brute squad (I am the Brute Suqad!). First time director Stuart Townsend (aka, Mr Charlize Theron and the guy who was originally suppose to play Aragorn in LOTR) takes this high-charged event and throws a bunch of fictional characters around it to humanize the experience. There’s a pregnant lady (Charlize, doing Stuart a favor) caught in the maelstrom between the brute squad (led by her not so brute on-screen hubby Woody Harrelson, and his pretty brute pretty boy pal Channing Tatum) that was sent in by the frantic mayor (Ray Liotta), who are all trying to keep the peace with the protesters (Martin Henderson, Michelle Rodriguez, André 3000 and Jennifer Carpenter), whilst the action is being captured on TV by the local news hottie (Connie Nielsen). Townsend intercuts actual footage from the melee into the film to heighten the realism and the drama, which was a wise idea considering how staged his reenactments appear. Like with Ghost Town, little focus is thrown on the minor players who are of more interest. The WTO peoples are pushed into the background (unless you count a few scenes with an angry Rade Serbedzija), and it never becomes clear as to what they’re doing that’s so wrong to provoke these protests in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s worth a look, so this lady wonth protest too much

Keep Battalin’: there’ll be another Battle In Seattle this year, but this one pits the Gonzaga Bulldogs vs the UCONN Huskies

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

You Aint Nothing… Much
Trailers & Mo

Yes, this is the Dakota Fanning gets raped movie. Most of the film you’re waiting for it to happen, and then when it does, there’s the rest of the film and that’s purty much that. Yep. And before and after the shocking deed is done, which isn’t so shocking cause you know it’s coming, Dakota Fanning sings Elvis Presley’s ‘Hound Dog’ like 10 nillion thymes and Piper Laurie yells and David Morse is creepy, then is struck by lightning and becomes stoopid and naked, and Robin Wright Penn comes and goes and there’s a bunch of nice helpful African Americans being nice and helpful to the white folk cause this is the South of olde and then the credits roll

EnTitled: here’s our picks for the top twenty films where the title is based on a song (we’re not including movies where the song was created juss for a movie, like Purple Rain, or are featured in a musician’s biopic, like La Bamba, or are other films found in this post, cause they wouldn’t even crack the top 100)

1. Stand By Me – Ben E King
2. Blue Velvet – Bobby Vinton
3. Boys Don’t Cry – The Cure
4. Pretty In Pink – The Psychedelic Furs
5. Mister Lonely – Bobby Vinton
6. Man On Fire – Andy Gibb
7. Boogie Nights – Heatwave
8. Roxanne – The Police
9. Sixteen Candles – The Crests
10. Pump Up The Volume – M|A|R|R|S
11. Valley Girl – Frank Zappa
12. Pieces of April – Three Dog Night
13. Man On The Moon – REM
14. Some Kind of Wonderful – The Drifters or Grand Funk Railroad
15. Strange Brew – Cream
16. 24 Hour Party People – Happy Mondays
17. Can’t Buy Me Love – Beatles
18. Less Than Zero – Elvis Costello
19. (My Own) Private Idaho – The B52s
20. Walk Like A Man – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

what say you?
although don’t say anything if yer top pick is Pretty Woman

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Seattle and Dog open in limited release, while Ghost Town will play at a theater near jews starting tomorrow

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Naomi Watts Riots

iss it juss utz, or does qwikly maturing Dakota Fanning (recently photographed above at her current ripe olde age o’ 14) have the potential to be as adorable (and possibly NSFW) as Naomi Watts/Hottz? either way, things are looking up for the both of em!


In Oder Ausfor the ‘007

Twice again, inspired by the the greatestist single newspaper and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be hottier and nottier than my shits in the ‘007

Daniel Craig’s Bond
Gold Bond On Craig’s List
Gerald Ford
Death Watch
George HW Bush
Death Watch
Girls Gone Wild
Dwight Schrute
•Andy Bernard
Nintendo Wii
Cat Butts
Dave Butz
Trapper Keepers
Trapper John, M.D.s
Carl Barat
Cleft Chins
Cleft Palates
Ayn Rand
Rand McNally
Sesame Street
Sesame Chicken
Al Gore
Frank Gore
The Hobbit
John Wayne Bobbit
The Blogerati
Lily Allen
Ethan Allen
Nudie Books
Louise Brooks Nude
Hating On Mel Gibson
Hating Mel Gibson
Fried Okra
Fire Oprah
The Frat Pack
Hebrew National’s Party Pack
Smoking Kools
Thin Women
Thin Crust
Tony Kornheiser
Dan Steinberg
Pigs In a Blanket
Pig Blankets
Fantasy Football
The Fantasy of Your Mom
Playing With My Balls
‘It Smells
Like Upyo’
‘Want Some
Fumunda Cheese?’
Keith David
David Keith
With The Stars
Eye Patches
Thigh Patches
The Rape of
the Sabine Women
The Rape of
Dakota Fanning
Seacrest Out
Seacrest In
US Weekly
IP Freely
DeForest Kelly
Adolf Hitler
Eating Watermelon
Adolph Coors
Eating Pussy

and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’06

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