Vanishing On 7th Street
No Outlet
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Were you a teen (or mature child like weeself) of the 80s AND subscribed to HBO?  If so, you’ve probably seen Just One of The Guys and The Heavenly Kid 9328383922 times over, right????  Well how about the the post-apocalyptic-valley girl romp Night of The Comet [trailer]??????  We wacthed that 9328383922 times over too, and it was certainly of its place and time, and we’re sure if we saw it today it would be beyond awful/unwatchable, but still maintain some of its 80s charm.  Wellllllllllllllllllll, director Brad Anderson (Transsiberian and The Machinist) and writer Anthony Jaswinski‘s Vanishing On 7th Street barks up similar empty streets, but without the ‘gag me with a spoon’ attitude and fun, and it doesn’t need any years to pass to show some mold, cause this movie is awful/unwatchable TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sure, we were totes mcgotes with this movie for the first 15 minutes, when everyone instantly disappeared off the face of the earth, eggggcept for Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton, John Leguizamo and lil Jacob Latimore, but when these survivors stop wandering round and meet one another at the only bar open in Detroit, on the titular street (duh), this thing turns into a achingly boring stage play that brings out the mos annoying qualities of each actor (Hayden – endless whining, Newton – a long, sad face longer and sadder than it needs to be, and Leguizamo – overly-overly-neurotic).  If only the unknown thing that’s making things vanish could have made the rest of the film vanish or like our eyes and ears vanish or like any other stupid vanish joke we could make that will help vanish this movie from our memory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just One of The Girls: so whatever became of Just One of The Guys girl Joyce Hyser? who knows (her most current pics are from 2001!), but we will never 5get her acting skills

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

7th St opens Friday in NY only & elsehwere elsewhen & is already available on-demand, if you so demand it!

and until next thyme the balcony & the girl who dressed like a guy is clothed…

The Rite
Diet Rite
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Father Gary Thomas is a real exorcist [read this interview!].  Matt Baglio wrote a book about him being a modern exorcist called The Rite. All this has been turned into a movie by Mikael HÃ¥fström (1408), but Father Thomas’ name has been changed to Michael Kovak (boring Colin O’Donoghue, who can barely open his eyes), probably to protect him being associated with this mostly blah movie.  If you run out and see this, you may need to be exorcised of boredom!!!

At first, Father Kovak’s struggle with faith and family (mortician father Rutger Hauer) holds our interest, all the way from his reluctance to enrolling in a seminary, to being coerced by Toby Jones into exorcism school at the Vatican in Rome.  When in Rome… teacher Ciarán Hinds (our mos flavroite actor going, besides Javier Bardem) sees something in the doubting Father K, he sends him off to learn from the master, Anthony Hopkins.  Hopkins takes him under his wing, and immediately has him assist in some de-demonizing.  So far, not so bad

Then things get convoluted, dumbfounded and juss plain dumb (and boring!) when they meet a boy who has a mysterious horseshoe imprint on his chest, and then Father K starts seeing and hearing things, and then doesn’t have sex with journalist Alice Braga, and then Hopkins starts acting strange (he smacks a child!!!!) and unleashes his own special style of hammy acting (like a more polished Nic Cage type dealio), which has diluted his performances as of late.  By the time Father K finds his faith (and Hopkins calms down), you’ll have long lost yours!!!

All Rite: Marta Gastini is one of the possessed peoples in this movie, and it’s no wonder, cause we’d love to possess her too!!!!

+ her ‘aunt’ is played by the bountiful Maria Grazia Cucinotta (of The Fap Is Not Enuff fame)

Verdictgo: the wrong outweighs the rite, so gotta go with Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Rite goes off today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

No Strings Attached
No Frills Attached Neither
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We somehow survived whatever piece of $hit Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day was.  We never even thought we’d ever need to think about that putrid eye and ear sore again, but then another Ashton Kutcher rom-com came a calling, and well, we had to figure out if the new one was the same kind of $hit, a wurser kind or a better kind.  How bout none of a kind?????  That’s cause Ashton Kutcher as an actor is a joke that’s beyond no longer funny.  Had his role in No Strings Attached been played by someone else, even someone basic and whatevs like Bradley Cooper or Josh Lucas, then maybe it could have worked.  Wait a second, what the f%&k are we saying???  No Strings Attached doesn’t work cause there’s zero drama, originality and moist importantly, a romance we can all get behind and swoon over, regardless of how dumb it is (spoiler: guess what, the meaningless sex DOES have meaning!).  Yet somehow we didn’t hate this movie, but that’s probably juss cause it’s not Valentine’s Day II, and we didn’t have to watch Ashton Kutcher go toe 2 boo with Jennifer Garner again

There are many great mysteries in this world, and you can now add ‘why did Natalie Portman agree to star opposite Ashton Kutcher in a movie???‘ to that list.  No one would question the pairing if this was a charity tennis match, but it’s not, it’s a movie, and Portman juss came off of a brilliant one where she masturbates and is perfect, and Kutcher was in some commercial about a camera or something.  We saw the movie and we still don’t understand how or why Natalie Portman would ever do anything with Ashton Kutcher, professionally or amateurally.   And yet we didn’t hate it.  Maybe cause we got to see such fun actors as Kevin Kline, Olivia Thirlby (remember her???), Lake Bell (even if her face looks like Crispin Glover’s), Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Abby Elliott, Jennifer Irwin and Cary Elwes not do too much, other than give us other people to look at and listen to that aren’t Ashton Kutcher

There was one name we didn’t mention and that’s ‘actress’ Greta Gerwig.  Yea, Ms Mumblecore isn’t a real actor either and this joke is also starting to get a lil ye olde.  But wait a second, what if Greta Gerwig was Ashton Kutcher’s love interest in No Strings Attached, or in anything for that splatter?!?!?!?!?  Wethinks we’re onto something here!!!  OMG, that would be the mostest perfect union disaster since the Union Carbide Bhopal disaster, but hell, we’d certainly want to see it, and we wouldn’t question anything about it, cause it would be like watching Juliette Lewis acting with a clone of herself!!!  Somebody call Gus van Sant and get him to make a shot by shot remake of No Strings Attached and have the awkwardness of Gerwig and the stoopidness of Kutcher run amok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Ivan Reitman directed this, and oh, it’s no Kindergarten Cop!!  and none of son Jason‘s movies are Kindergarten Cop neither!!

Lets Have A Krystal Ball!!!: Krystal Ellsworth, ells yea!!!

+ Ophelia Lovibond caught our eye & thigh in Nowhere Boy, and does again in Attached, and now we’re gonna stay attached to her 9ever!!!

Verdictgo: Little To Zero Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Attached detaches today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Housemaid (Hanyo)
Dirty & Down
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

A young rich couple (Lee Jung-jae & Seo Woo) are expecting twins, so they hire a sweet lil lass (Jeon Do-yeon) to act as a nanny to their future and current brood (Ahn Seo-hyeon).  Plus she’s there to help around the house alongside the existing crusty old maid maid lady (Yoon Yeo-jeong), who has more secrets than words to say.  Little does the new girl know that the house’s breadwinner will soon be helping himself with the new nanny’s poo-nanny!!!!!  OOOOOOh snappleappleages!!!

Melodrama ensues, with some sultry adultery & discreet deceit, but you know this aint gonna turn out well, right?  Threats are dropped, people are too (from 2 stories high!), more threats are dropped, bribes too, mean looks three, more threats, some more more threats, an abortion is forced upon, all while the ladies of the house try to keep things clean

Hmmmmmmmmm.  Sounds rather juicy, eh?  And Im Sang-soo‘s flight-of-loose-pantsy basically is, but we’ve all seen a hand rock a cradle with fatal attractions before, and this aint no original sin neither, being a remake of a 1960 flick of the same name, but then at the end, it goes off the deep-end in an all too shocking way, but it’s really not all that shocking, but it is indeed a lil too much, AND THEN (not Zardoz), there’s some scene after the shockingly too much scene that is too too too too much, and is weird for the sake of being weird, but not in a good weird way like the last hour of Twin Peaks.  How’s Annie?  Next question…

Woo Who?: Seo Woo, dat’s who!!!

[Seo in Korean Harper’s Bazaar]

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Housemaid sweeps into NY & LA this Friday and on demand on 1/26

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

what’s the bestest part of dear ole Stanley’s Eyes Wide Shut?  all of it, duhvs course!!  no, but seriously, we all know it’s the bit where Nuala Windsor (Stewart Thorndike) is totes trying to turn Tom Cruise straight. why???  CAUSE SHE’S THE HOTTEST THING IN THE WORLD AND SHE COULD TURN ASEXUAL PEOPLE INTO 69SEXUAL PEOPLES AT THE DROP OF A HAT AND THE DROP OF A CAT!!!!

anywhoski… and now for the answer to a question no one ever asked: what would that very same scene look like if everyone and everything were eaten by a void of bluey blueness, cept for Ms Hotness, Nuala/Stewart?????

WE WANNA GO WHERE THAT RAINBOW ENDS!!!!