Thighs Wide Shut

Tabloid
Re: Joyce & Shout!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 88 min

Errol Morris is incapable of making uninteresting documentaries.  Yeah for us!!  He’s incapable cause his subjects, ranging from the wrongly accused, the wrongly abused, men of war, men of death, and even those who run pet cemeteries, are the very definition of interesting.  Add whatever Joyce McKinney is to that list.  And maybe even add her to the top of it.  Her sordid tale(s) may not be as important as the others that Morris has chronicled, but his Tabloid may certainly be his most memorable, simply because Joyce is a natural born storyteller, even if a over-embelishing one, and just one giant treasure chest of entertainment… who happens to have a giant chest… and smile!

So, who eggzactly is Joyce McKinney?  To tell you anything about her would truly ruin the fun. 9REALS!!!  She doesn’t have a wiki entry, but the news she caused back in the late 70s does [click if you must].  And it’s not even juss that event and aftermath that makes up Tabloid.  There’s another one that puts Joyce back into the trashy news limelight 30 years later, and all we’ll say is that it involves something called ‘Booger’.  So, go on and pick it, and pick this to see.  You’ll love hearing all about Joyce from Joyce (and a few others), and maybe you’ll even fall in love with her as a person, like Morris has, and us too!!!

Eclipsed By The Moon: when Joyce met Keith Moon.  why?  see the frickin doc, will ya?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tabloid splash pages and screens in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Dark of The Imgination
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 157 min

T-III starts off with sum revisionist history of the moon landing, and it was like Houston, we have an awesome.  Everything after that was a bigger disaster than The Challenger space shuttle.  It’s so stoopid and beyond boring that it is hactually OK to compare it to such an awful tragedy in American history

This sums up everythings:  When Ken Jeong delivers your most ‘credible’ performance, your movie flat out sucks times 388737237739083478378478923767815281506507416561780570641756178657645164375816347856875643756786578134651873657813658761751656756745187651658745165765761756785617856875389389060547967076091780870934788765876586751678561874568765784365

OK, we do have to award 3 small bonus points for the employment of 80s Russian movie guy Elya Baskin, and funny white guys Andrew Daly and Alan Tudyk, but they and we all deserve better than this… anything but this

Never again Bay, NEVER AGAIN

And even if Bay isn’t doing the next one, there will be no next one for we

Michael Bay – Bad With Eye Diarrhea, Good With Eye Candy:

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Inna Korobkina

Meredith Monroe

Danielle Fornarelli

Elena Kolpachikova

Jesse ‘World’s Greatest Extra’ Heiman

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

III is a giant #2 at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Beginners
My Small Skinny Gay Dead Father
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 105 min

Christopher Plummer is gay after living a long life of not being gay. Ewan McGregor is his son, who’s never been lucky in love, and just lost his father, not to gayness, but to death. Mélanie Laurent is a hot French chick who may be the key for Obi Wan to BEGIN again, sorta like how his father BEGAN again after coming out of the closet!!!! Welcome to Mike Mills‘ autobiographical Beginners, which is full of beginnings AND endings, and three movies in one that work well together, when usually three movies in one tear a singular movie  apart. What’s the third movie? Lil Ewan and his relationship with his deceased mother, which may hactually be the strongest of the three.  It’s all a funny, loveable and depressing affair, but not too much of any of those, and again, it works all the better because of that.  And that is that.  Where do you begin and this review end?  This review is over, so begin at a movie theater showing this

Crepes of Wrath: Mélanie Laurent is super hot (and JEWISH!!!) and her dad does the following voice overs for the French language version of The Simpsons - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Waylon Smithers, Barney Gumble, Carl, Lou, Eddie, Troy McClure, Rainier Wolfcastle, Lionel Hutz, Chalmers, Hans Moleman, Disco Stu, and Duffman … to name a few!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Beginners is currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bridesmaids
Wedding Our Pants
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 125 min

Oh my gosh!  Who knew that women could be funny AND have a movie in which to show it?  AND it came from Judd Apatow, the man who makes so many man comedies… that aren’t really all THAT funny, although everyone thinks they are.  But we’re not going to waste your time griping about Judd Apatow like we usually do, cause for once he got the funny write (although what did he do besides put his name on it?).  YEAH WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bridesmaids is dangs funny (and rememberrrrrrrrrr… it takes a lot to make us laffffff!!!).  It’s not a great movie by any imagination of the stretch (pretty standard story stuff here – a woman trying to find love), but who cares!!  Kristen Wiig does her Wiig thang and Maya Rudolph doesn’t really do anything, and come to think of it, neither does Wendi McLendon-Covey or Ellie Kemper, even if they are great company.  Rose Byrne plays an unfun bitch (doesn’t she get sick of that?  we’re starting to), and Jon Hamm plays a way fun a$$hole.  Melissa McCarthy steals the show (she needs her own movie, and probably will get one), and some British people are in it (like Chris O’Dowd) cause they’re probably cheaper (and funnier) than Jason Segel.  But why the poop jokes? WHY?  No man wants to even think of a woman pooping.  Do you womens?  Wait, do any womens read this site?  If so, will you marry us?

Lovey Covey:  there’s juss something so hot about Wendi

(probably cause she was Michael Scott’s one-night stand in Canada)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Bridesmaids marries women & laughter at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we’ve always found Claudette Colbert to be quite the major ye olde movie babe

but had no idea that she purty much slips nips whilst bathing in a Cecil B DeMille movie FROM 1932!!!!!!!!

DEAR LORD!!!  that bath scene is so dangs hottttttt that we need to take a shower after watching it!!!

we’re already stocking up on Kleenex & Jergens for the Film Forum‘s screening of it on July 24th, as a part of their Essential Pre-Code summer series!!

hot tip courtesy of our gal pals over at Bobbed