Thighs Wide Shut

Sleeping Beauty
Olden Slumber
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 104 min

Boy do we love ourselves some Emily Browning, maybe more than you would ever care to know, but maybe you do care to know, cause she’s so awakeningly beautiful (and talented) and if you don’t agree, then you don’t know what beauty is.  Now that we’ve cleared that up…

We’re still trying to expunge the vomit left in our mouth by watching Sucker Punch, which Browning unfortunately headlined, and in her latest work, Julia Leigh‘s Sleeping Beauty, that taste of vomit has been replaced by the saliva dripping out of the mouths of dirty old rich men.  Gross.  Indeed.  But that saliva aint just a taste in our mouths, it’s on-screen drool being applied to EB’s hot nekkid body as she lies in a sedated state.  Eeeek!!  Indeed!!!

Sleeping Beauty may be a bit too distant and hazy to fully sink yer teeth into, and offers up next to zero in the smiles department, but why should a movie about a lil lost naif looking to pay the bills as a call-girl, who offers pretty much anything to her clients but ‘no penetration’, not be hard to penetrate?  It’s a grueling viewing experience, but one you’ll barely be able to take your eyes off of.  It still doesn’t hurt looking at nekkid women, even if the sexual stuff they’re participating in isn’t exactly sexy (please note – the movie’s not as raunchy as we may be making it out to be)

Browning sizzles in the bare-all role (she aint a kid no mo!), and co-stars Rachael Blake and Ewen Leslie are icy hot in cryptic roles as her madame and a lyrical house-bound friend, respectively.  Blake in particular, whom we’ve never seen in a film before, is f#%king brilliant in the film.  Since the Academy has no rhyme or reason for handing out Oscar nominations, Oscar nominated her a$$.  We mean, look at her!!!  She is both haunting and taunting, and we juss want to listen to her quiet, but strong voice say things all day long

moral of the story: if David Lynch were to ever make a movie about an Australian college girl wiggling her way into an underground world of classy sleaze, it would probably look somewhat like Leigh’s Sleeping Beauty.  Morose and gross, but beautifully sleepy all the same, this baby will keep yer eyes wide open, even if there’s NO PENETRATION (house rules)!!

Poster Boaster:  it doesn’t get munch better than this!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sleeping Beauty awakes today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Descendants
Hawaiian Punch Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 115 min

It’s an Alexander Payne movie, so cue the anger, the yelling and some yokel dolted side players, but it’s in Hawaii, so life’s a breeze, right??? It’s not (we mentioned it was an Al Payne movie, right?), and now it’s George Clooney‘s turn to play a Payned middle-aged moper (please lord, don’t give him an acting Oscar), and mope he mos certainly does at the bedside of his comatose wife, but he’s trying to keep up appearances for his two daughters (Shailene Woodley and Amara Miller) that he doesn’t really no how to care for, and then to make Alexander Payne movie matters worse, Clooney finds out that his wife was cheating on him with Matthew Lillard (we never forgot you!!) and he had no clue, and he’s now all kinds of conflicted (how can you be mad at a woman in a coma!!)!!  Feelings will be searched, bonds will be bonded, Hawaiian shirts will be worn and epiphanies will be reached, like how heritage sometimes trumps money!!  Plus we get to rock out to Hawaiian music with the likes of Rob Huebel, Beau Bridges, Robert Forster, Judy Greer and Michael Ontkean!!  Plus we get handed this really dumbed up kid (Nick Krause) who serves no real purpose besides being a punching bag for one scene, but his face should have been punched in every scene, but really,  he shouldn’t have been in a single scene.  So what happens?  Stuff and it’s fine and good and things and all, but it’s like a hang 7 instead of a 10

moral of the story:  think hanging a 7 instead of a 10 explains it all.  and Clooney schmooney, but Lillard is ill-yard, yo!

Never Change:

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Descendants is currently breaking waves in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Muppets
Reconnecting The Rainbow
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 98 min

The 2011 Muppet movie accomplishes two very simple goals – it makes us oldie folkies remember the long forgotten Muppets, and introduces them wacky puppets to a whole new generation of moppets.  Other than that?  It’s got a lot of good positive energy and a lot of crappy cameos (it’s like The Hangover meets the cast of CBS’ comedy line-up.  WOW!!!  NOT!!!!!!).  OK, so David Grohl as fake-ish Animal was solid like rock candy, but James Carville????  More like lame-e-o!!!  Other than that? It rightfully employs Flight of The Conchordser Bret McKenzie to pen some very muppetish songs, and the show’s director James Bobin, to ringmaster the madness.  The Muppets hactually feels like an extended episode of Conchords, cept without the actual Conchords.  Kinda would have rather seen Bret & Jemaine debate being a man or a muppet than Jason Segel and that kid on that geek show no one watches.  Still, The Muppets is fun, despite taking any real chances or leaps.  Well, they did take a chance by introducing a new muppet named Walter, but Walter is so whatevs.snoreszzz that you’ll hope like we do that he gets cut from the next flick.  EAT IT WALTER!!!!

moral of the story: new Muppet movie is be good, but if you want to (re)introduce Kermit & Co to today’s world, why not juss re-release the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational original Muppet Movie from 1979??? we recently saw it before seeing the new one, and we muss say, it has more danger and excitement in 5 measly minutes than the new one has over 90.  and the cameos?  don’t even get us started on the radness of the cameos!!!!

Glad Mag: spanks to Golden Dispencer, we’ve un-forgotten the Muppet Magazine!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Muppets move right along, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Can’t Spell ‘Saga’ Without ‘Sag’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 117 min

More like making yawns!!!! It’s true. We get like an hour of wedding bliss bleeeech and a stoopid south of the equator funnymoon and then the rest is watching Bella LaGrossy replay the cross-species pregnancy and birthing that was done munch betterer and scarierier in V: The Final Battle.  Oh, you also get 5ever bitter herb Jacob wolfing out again, and complaining again, and Benedict Arnolding, and boring, and more boring

moral of the story: think there was like 5 minutes of good stuff and like 112 of like boring.  women will think the opposite, and that’s fine, cause they need all the shitty girly films that they can get their beautiful hands on

Painted Boobs: even our mom thinks Ashley Greene is a hotttttttttie

Verdictgo: Zero To No Merit AND No Stinkin Badges (it wasn’t entirely unwatchable, see ‘painted boobs’ above, even if no boobs in Yawn were actually painted)

Breaking Yawn does what it sez what it does currently in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Dangerous Method
Girl Just Wanna Have Jung
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

A teacher and a pupil and the pupil’s own pupil get into a psychological triangle of thoughts, dreams and masochistic desires in David Cronenberg‘s A Dangeous Method. It’s true, and it’s all true, cause the people we’re talking about are real people!!!  Like the cigar chomping daddy of modern psychology Sigmund Freud (Viggo Mortensen), his reluctant and doubting heir apparent Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender), and Sabina Spielrein (Keira Knightley), a fidgety young Russian girl who takes great pleasure in pain, and has a few of her own thoughts on analyzing this AND that!!!

We see relationships forged, broken, mended and bended all over again, before this trio goes their own ways into the annals of psychoanalytic history. But whose story is this? Freud is on the fringes, observing afar from Vienna, while Jung and the Ruskie take center stage experimenting with some… dangerous methods – read, HOT KINKY HOTNESS!!!!  THEY SHOULDN’T, BUT THEY SHOULD!!!!  Or should they???? What does Freud think of all this???

Mustached Fassbender as Jung owns the proceedings (of course he does, this is Fassbender we’re talking about!!!), but Keira Knightley comes pretty close to upstaging Mr Mos Fantastic Actor of the Moment. At first, her accent seems to flicker in and out of believability, but as the minutes pass, not only does Knightley’s character blossom before our eyes, but she herself, from the run of the mill Jane Austen broad we’ve become bored of, to an actual actress with great range, filled with sirpizes!  Yes, we’re talking about the same KK that is in such boring stuffy British movies like, Crumpets: The Movie. Same also goes with Cronenberg, who sirprizes us by showing he’s capable of making an adult movie that doesn’t succumb to weirdness for weirdness sake, or has William Hurt in it for no reason

moral of the story: a movie about thinking people thinking about other peoples thoughts doesn’t exactly scream ‘see me’, and we cannot necessarily say that A Dangerous Method is something worth screaming about, but it is worth a thought, and a lot of thought was put into it, so think about that.  Remember, it’s a non-weird Cronenberg movie, and William Hurt isn’t in it for no reason, so if that’s what yer thinking, THINK AGAIN!!!  BUT you get to peep at Knightley’s nips AND see Vincent Cassel play yet another oversexed pig, and that’s good enuff for we to think you should see it, maybe.  thoughts?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

A Dangerous Method wants you to hear its thoughts in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…