House at The End of The Street
Dead End On Arrival
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 101 min

There’s a house in this movie, but its actual location on its street is never EVER determined. It could be at the beginning of the street or even in the MIDDLE of the street, but it is never ever noted that the house is actually located at the end of the street.  So why bother naming your movie House at The End of The Street?  Guess Generic Sorta Horror Movie X was juss not catchy enuff.  Having a poorly used title is one thing, but being a poor movie in general is another

OK, so the house did have some murders in it, which we see in the very first scene, but they are about as creepy as the bleeps and the sweeps were in Spaceballs… which means they are not creepy at all.  The presentation of these murders was purty darns silly, and it sets the tone for everything else from there on out – laffable

You will laff at the kid (Max Thieriot) who still lives in the house that his parents were murdered in, and who keeps his sister (the murderer?????????????????????????????) locked in the basement, and who doesn’t do such a good job at keeping her locked in the basement, cause she’s always getting out and running in the woods and screaming and stuff.  And you will laff at his budding romance with his new neighbor Jennifer Lawrence, who sings laffable love ballads for zero reason other than to maybe launch a blah singing career to add to her blah acting career.  We wouldn’t dare laff at J-Law’s hot MILF Elisabeth Shue, cause we’re actually crying at her, cause she deserves better than this, like more adventures in babysitting or having MORE liquor being poured on her boobs [NSFW]

Anywho, stuff happens, but so does sh!t, and the twists that come our way are about as shocking as Jeremy Shockey doing something douchey, and when your movie is about as shocking as Jeremy Shockey doing something douchey, it means your movie is pretty f$%king stoopid

Street Treat: we want to eat off Allie MacDonald‘s dollar menu!!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Street has no outlet today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Premium Rush
Padded Lock
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 91 min

Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph rides bikes, and delivers packages.  One package has to be delivered or some Chinese kid in China will not be able to go on a boat.  Standing in JGLGJ’s way is Michael Shannon‘s strange face and strange talking, and some other crap, like stuff, and things, like this movie.  WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE HIS BIKE AND RUN OVER DANIA RAMIREZ’ ACTING CAREER?!?!?!?!?!?  Dunno, but at least the movie was New York real enuff to spotlight the zany ass street that is Doyers Street in Chinatown!!!

Oh, and this girl‘s eyes wins the prize for best EYES in a Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph movie of 2012

The Possession
The Exor-shvitz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 92 min

So there’s a real life story about an evil Jewish box with a Dybbuk in it that does weird shith to anyone who’s around it.  Watch this thing here for more on that box!!!  An evil Jewish box that does stuff sounds like it would make for a great movie, no?  Especially if you toss in Javier Bardem’s twin brother AND Matisyahu AND Kevin Bacon’s wife to balance out the kosherness AND two girls who are pretty dang good at actings, right????????  Well, it makes for an OK movie (they don’t even follow the real story at all).  It’s not stoopid horror-ibile crap on a stick, but it’s not The Exorcist neither, but we love Javier Bardem’s twin brother SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that we’d watch anything with him in it, even if most of his movies are whatevzzzz, BUT WHEN IS BARDEM MORGAN JAVIER GEOFFFERY GOING TO BE ONE?!?!??!?!?

Verdictgo: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks are currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Compliance
Fries & Thighs
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

There was a real thingie going on called strip search prank call scams. That shiz was pretty fcuked up.  Craig Zobel turned one of the scams into a movie, and it’s pretty dangs good, but moist importantly…

it put Dreama Walker in an apron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with nothing else on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and it wasn’t suppose to be hot

but it was

cause there was sideboobs in aprons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

comply with Compliance, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Robot & Frank
Does Compute
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 90 min

Frank (Frank Langella) is a lonely man, left to his own devices, which includes sitting around reading books, and eating crappy food, and having his memory slip by the day.  His children (all bidness James Marsden and earth-toned Liv Tyler) are concerned, so the son drops off a robot helper (installed with Peter Sarsgaard‘s voice!) to whip Frank into shape, keep him sharp, and busy, or it’s off to the old folks home.  Frank aint having it, but this wouldn’t be a movie if he was ‘having it’, but maybe the two can eventually co-exist, even though Robot doesn’t really exist, and maybe they can even become friends!!!!! Man and robot?  Friends??????  MAYBE!!!

Frank does sorta have a sorta friend - Susan Sarandon, who works at the archaic library, and it’s archaic cause it’s the near future and the printed word has become passé, kinda like Frank!  Frank has plenty o’ enemies, like forgetting things, and his kids who won’t let him forget that, and sometimes the Robot, and also progress, like the peoples who want to re-purpose the library into something new and hip and without books!  The face of this progress is a jerky bespectacled young man (Jeremy Strong), and Frank likes him less than he likes having the Robot make him a healthy meal

While Frank starts to get used to the Robot and the help he provides, the Robot turns out to be even more helpful in an entirely different way.  Ya see, Frank is a seasoned cat burglar, but obviously not in mid-season form anymore, but the Robot aint got no rust or dust, so maybe the Robot can help Frank pull off some heists that will stick it to the man!!!!  Yep, this is a movie about some old thief dude who gets a robot to help him rob houses, but it’s also one that’s so sweet (but not too sweet), and so savory (Langella is ammmmmazings)

I love the Robot.  I love Frank.  Pair the obedient bucket of bolts with the crodgity ole man and you have a movie that I juss love love love.  It’s nothing super complex, but it’s simply juss a wonderful film to watch, from start to finish.  You did it Jake Schreier & Christopher D Ford!  Is this the greatest robot movie ever?  No (A.I.?).  Is it the greatest Frank movie ever?  No (Frankenstein?).  Is it the greatest Robot AND Frank movie ever?  YES!!!!!!!!

Robot & Robot: check out Behind the Robots in Robot & Frank, which drops such hot info like how the robot was designed by the same folks who made Daft Punk’s LED helmets, and that there’s actually a person inside the robot – Rachael Ma!!!!!!!!!  we want one, NOW!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Frank does the Robot in NY only today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Beloved
(Les bien-aimés)
How Long Must We Sing This Song?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 135 min

Beloved‘s a love story (times two), for the ages, and by ages, we mean it takes 9ever to go from Paris’ swinging 60s, to the morose post-9/11 world, but at least there’s singing all along the way!  in French!!!

Yes, we’ve been down this Christophe Honoré path before, with 2007’s Love Songs (Les Chansons d’amour), and we haven’t stop singing that film’s praises.  More like singing that film’s soundtrack (we actually do, and the songs are all in French!!!), and less so about the film itself.   And that’s OK, cause them songs were AMAZING!!!  And the movie itself was pretty darn good too

So what about try #2, with some returning regulars (Catherine Deneuve, Ludivine Sagnier, Chiara Mastroianni, Louis Garrel) + some newbies (Paul Schneider, Radivoje Bukvic & Milos Forman!!!)?  The song remains the same?  Kinda, but with more emotional weight (AIDS!), which also weighs down the affair a lil too much, cause 135 minutes is a long time to hear French people sing about anything (even if it was about naked women eating Popeyes), when we’ve basically already seen this movie before

BUT!  It’s a French modern musical and you can’t really hate on French modern musicals, unless you hate hot & sexy French people singing songs about love and love’s lost and love found, again and again!!!  And do you not want to see mother Deneuve play screen-mother to her real life daughter Mastroianni, again?  Heck, we wish every movie employed Deneuve/Mastroianni to play mother-daughter!  Heck, we wish that they were our mother and our sister (no offense to our mother and our sister)!  Heck!!!  And they sing, a lot!!!! IN FRENCH!!!  And so does Paul Schneider (in English)!!!!  PAUL SCHNEIDER SINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: it’s no Love Songs (Les Chansons d’amour), but we’ll take it over not having a quasi-sequel, so low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Beloved sings its song this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…